Chapter Two: The Mew

A/N: This was a fun chapter to write. My family loves to watch "The View" in the mornings, so I wanted to parody them as different cat species. I didn't do the whole cast as I thought that would take too long and some of them are easier to poke fun of than others.

We also have a small subplot going with Nick and his fear of commitment/mid-life crisis. I kind of thought up this one recently, but it's coming along well.

I have to be VERY careful in my usage of words to keep this T-Rated.

PS. I forgot to mention in the last story, but Dawn's home is in Herdville. A suburb just on the outskirts of the city.

It was early in the morning on the next day. Dawn was pleased to find Duke had not ruined her upstairs bedroom. Mainly because he, without opening the room, mistook it for a closet and Duke's not exactly a neat weasel. That night, she had taken a peek inside his room and it was a disgusting mess. She demanded he clean it up but she knew he probably wouldn't.

It was early enough that Duke was still asleep. She took that opportunity to have a shower. She enjoyed the hot water falling onto her wool. It helped her relax for a moment and forget about this horrible situation she was in. "SIGH! I need to call mother. She'll find me a way out of this."

Minutes had passed. She turned off the water only to find that she could still hear water drizzling down somewhere. Curious, she peeked her head around the shower curtain, only to find Duke standing in front of the toilet and letting nature call. His weasel anatomy in full view.

Duke turned his head to find Dawn staring. He pointed at his head. "Eyes up here, lady!"

Dawn poked her head back behind the curtain and screamed. "EEEEE! What're you doing?!"

"Takin' a whiz. What does it look like?!"

"You can't come in here when I'm taking a shower!"

"Why?! The curtain's closed."

"We are strangers and I'm naked behind this curtain! You didn't even knock!"

"I'm not used to it. What with 'dis bein' my house fer 'da last five years."

"Get out!"

"Can I wash my paws first?!"

"Kitchen sink! Get out! Get out! GET OUT!"

"Okay! Okay! I'm goin'! Sheesh!"

Duke shut the door behind him and Dawn breathed a sigh of relief. "That stupid idiot! I have to call mother about kicking him out! … Dang. He's bigger than Doug. Get your mind out of the gutter, Dawn!"

Dawn stepped out of the shower, dried herself off, and wrapped a towel around her. While she was grooming her wool, she called her mother on her cell phone for a video chat. Dawn's mother, Eve answered.

"Hello, Dear. Long time, no see."

"Hello, Momma!"

"I'm guessing you made it home now?"

"Yes. I'm under house arrest, but I got a big problem."

"What's that, Dear?"

"This house has a squatter. A weasel by the name of Duke Weasel...something and I legally can't get rid of him!"

"That's terrible! Sounds like you have a vermin problem. If you'd like, Sweetie, I can set you up with an 'exterminator'."

"I can't kill him! It's too risky. I just got out of prison."

"Well then, I can't help you."

"Can't you get the same lawyers that got me out of prison?"

"I spent tens of thousands of dollars to get you down to two years house arrest followed by three years probation despite the fact that you have brought great shame upon our family. Shame enough that I had to move out of our old house and to another state! I've done enough for you. You're on your own now. You want to get rid of him? That's on you. Goodbye, Dear. I'll watch you on 'The Mew'."

Eve hung up on her daughter.

"Momma? Momma! Darn it! Well, at least she doesn't realize the bills are on autopay."

With her towel wrapped around her, Dawn peeked out of the bathroom. "Duke? Where are you?"

"In my room!" he shouted.

"Stay there! I have to go to my room to get dressed."

"Knock yerself out, sister."

"And for God's sake! Shower and put on some fresh clothes!"

"... Fresh clothes?! What's 'dat?"

Moments later, they met out in the living room. Duke did take a shower, but his clothes weren't freshly washed. The only thing he had on was a tank top and his boxers.

Dawn sighed. "Don't you have to be at work today?"

"Not until later," he said. "I got 'da mid-day shift when 'da freight comes in."

"Well look. I have a very, VERY important interview this morning. I'm doing a Zoo meeting with the talk show, 'The Mew'. You've heard of that, right?"

"I sometimes catch 'dat in 'da mornin', yeah. It's 'dose felines 'dat talk politics, right?"

"Right. So you know just how important this is to me. I cleaned up a nice spot in the kitchen where it looks presentable and gives me plenty of light. I tried my bedroom, but couldn't get the right balance of natural light. All I need for you to do is to please, PLEASE stay the hell away from me during the entire interview, okay? I can't have you on screen at all."

"Okay, lady. I'll stay outta yer, fur-err...wool. I'll be in my room. Just give me a heads-up when it starts, and I'll watch it all quiet-like."

"THANK YOU! Thank you so much. This interview could save my career!"

Duke got himself a bowl of cereal and went into his room, while Dawn got everything ready. The producer contacted her and got her ready for her spot. Unfortunately, she was so excited, that she forgot to tell Duke when it started. The show began.

Get your bowl of milk to lap, because the Mew is live!

With two whole months in office, why has president Jowel Bite-men not freed all the immigrant children into the wild, fixed the economy, and cured all diseases?

We talk about the latest internet fad, the hairball challenge!

But first, she's back home and out of prison, the ladies will be talking to former Zootopia mayor, Dawn Bellwether!

So welcome to the Mew! With Meowgan Mcpain!

"My daddy was the vice president! It's my only qualification for being here."

Joy Hisshar!

"I almost wish Trunk was back in office so we could talk about how horrible he is!"

Crabby Huntsmice!

"Can Joy and Meowgan stop fighting so I can get some actual screentime?"

And Kitty Oldberg!

"Hello! And welcometothemew, welcometothemew, welcometothemew, welcometothemew. welcometothemew, welcometothemew, welcometothemew, welcometothemew, HELPI'MSTUCK! Welcometothemew, welcometothemew, welcometothemew, welcometothemew…."

Joy came over and slapped Kitty on the back of the head. "OW! Welcome to the Mew! Thank you, Joy! Our first guest has created quite a bit of controversy over the decisions she made five years ago as mayor of Zootopia."

"Controversy?!" Joy said with anger. "She drugged predators to make them go wild, usurped Lionheart as mayor, and then put in a bunch of anti-pred laws in place to help kick them all out of the city! I can't believe we're having an interview with her!"

McPain got upset. "Hey! It's been five years and I'm sure she had time to think about her actions while in prison! Meanwhile, Lionheart was out kidnapping these poor predators and locking them up!"

"You do know that Lionheart is a republican, right?"

"...Oh. Well then, forget everything I just said. Totally justified in keeping them safe."

"I KNEW it! You always put on a spin for your party, no matter what! You voted for Trunk didn't you?!"

"What?! Of course not!"

"Admit it! After all the horrible things he said about your father, you still voted for him, didn't you?!"

McPain put her ears back and hissed."HISSS!"

"HISSSS!"

Oldberg got a water bottle and sprayed them. "That's enough! Crabby, tell us what you think while I run around the studio for no particular reason."

Kitty Oldberg got out of her seat and ran around while Crabby spoke. "Well, umm… I think we really need to hear from her and give her a fair shot. See what she has to say. Did you know that the fox she almost got killed is her parole officer now? Crazy, huh?"

Oldberg leaped back in her chair. "I'm getting too old for those instincts to kick in. While don't we hear from the sheep's mouth. She's promoting a new book she's in the process of writing called 'My Side', here's Dawn Bellwether!"

There was very little applause as Dawn came on the screen. "Hi, Kitty! Hi, everyone! I'm a big fan of the show!"

McPain had the first question. "I need to know how to spin your answers properly. Dawn, are you democrat or republican?"

"Neither. I'm independent."

Everyone groaned and had a look of disgust. "Well, at least I can be honest. What is 'My Side' about?"

"It's about showing my side of what happened. I want everyone to understand that I take almost full responsibility for my actions, but I would never have come to this state if it weren't for the bullies in my life. Bullies like mayor Lionheart, who called me 'Smellwether' and constantly harassed and threatened me."

Joy was next to speak. "But Miss Bellwether, there were reports given by Doug Ramses, who said you had this plot going a year before you ever got the secretary position."

"Dammit, Doug!" she snarled under her breath. "He's confused. I would never…"

Dawn was horrified to see Duke suddenly show up in the background of her shot. He was in his boxers and making coffee.

"Who's that?!" asked Joy as Duke started to scratch his butt in front of millions of viewers.

Dawn wanted to kill him then and there. "DUKE! We are on live TV and you're in your boxers! I told you to stay out of the shot!"

Duke protested. "I didn't mean 'ta! You told me you'd tell me when you started!" He waved at the camera. "Hi, Mom! Wherever you are!"

Crabby was elated. "Oh my gosh! Dawn, is… is this your boyfriend?!"

Dawn couldn't believe she'd even ask her that. "What?! I…" It was then that the wheels in Dawn's head started spinning. She could read the headlines. "Prey hater becomes prey lover! Dawn Bellwether has learned her lesson and loves all mammals! Bellwether for president!"

"Yes!" Bellwether replied. "Yeah. He's my sweetie! Aren't you honey?!"

Duke was confused. "... What?"

Dawn whispered into his ear. "Just go along with it for now! I'll buy dinner!"

Duke smiled and went along with the charade. "'Dat's right,baby!" To Dawn's surprise, Duke grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in for a passionate kiss. The taste coming from Duke's breath was terrible.

Dawn pulled back and got her head off-camera as she almost barfed on the floor. She went back to the ruse. "What a...Blech!... great kisser!"

"This is incredible!" Crabby replied. "How did you two meet?"

"He ummm… sent me love letters while I was in prison. After I got out, he decided to live with me here! Isn't that right, Baby-Cakes!"

Duke leaned back on the counter. "Whatever you say, Sweet-Cheeks!"

Crabby was elated. "Well, this changes everything! I would just love to get a sit-down interview with you two snout-to-muzzle at your home! We're just about out of time. Do you have time tomorrow?"

Dawn looked around at the horrible mess the kitchen and living room were in. Not to mention the tall grass outside. "Maybe in two days?"

"I'll have you talk to my producer after the show. Thank you for joining us today!"

"Oh, s-sure!" Dawn said as the camera went back to the producers. She scheduled an interview and hung up the Zoo call.

Duke got some fear into him as she started walking slowly towards him. He started to slowly walk back. "N-Now wait a minute, Sister! Y-You nevah told me you wuz on! A-And 'da boyfriend thing was your idea!"

"Duke Weaselman!"

"W-Weaselton, actually."

"Do you know what you just did?"

"... Got myself killed?"

"You… just…"

Dawn picked Duke up and spun him around. "... Saved my career! You wonderful weasel, you!"

"You ain't mad at me?"

"Not this time! Your blunder worked in my favor! Now, we just need to clean up the house, mow the lawn and pretend to be a couple while Crabby Humntsmice is here!"

"And what do I get out of it?" Duke asked. "Remember, your actions made my life and other preds lives a miserable hell."

"Fine. I'll let you stay as long as you like. I won't press any charges or try to sue you out of the house. Deal?"

Duke shook her cloven hoof. "Deal! Y'know, it's kinda nice havin' company, even if yer a jerk."

"Grrrrr!"

Earlier…

Nick was watching "The Mew" in his girlfriend, Sky's auto-repair business while she was working on an engine. The arctic fox peered into the office and saw Dawn on the screen. "That's the little lamb that done-near killed y'all and mah buddy, Judy?"

"Yup," Nick replied.

"Dang. She's tiny! Don't look like much of a threat."

"She's proof that you don't have to be large and strong to be powerful and fearsome." He then saw the moment. He growled as he watched Duke forcibly kiss Dawn's lips. "That little…I warned him!"

Skye was concerned as she watched Nick get up off the office couch and put on his badge. "Ah thought you had the day off?!"

"I do, but my parole duties are 24/7 and I have a weasel to kill."

"Will you be back?"

"Of course, hon."

"Maybe…. Maybe we can continue that talk?"

Nick stopped and rolled his eyes. "… Skye."

"Well, Judy's preggers and… Ah want a family, Nick. We both make a decent wage."

"I know, Honey it's just… I'm not ready."

"How are y'all not ready?! You're 38! You have a steady job. Yer momma wants grandkids! Knock me up, dagnabbit!"

"I just… We'll talk later. Okay, Pokey?"

" 'Pokey?!' Yer never gonna forgive me fer pokin' a hole in the tip of that condom, are you?!"

"I was wearing it at the time!"

"Excuses, Excuses. Just go."

"I'm sorry, honey. I'll be back soon and we'll talk. Love you."

"Love you too."

Nick pulled out of the auto repair station and headed towards the Bellwether home.

Meanwhile…

"Why do I gotta cut 'da grass?!" Duke asked.

"Because you're the man of the house, and the man does the hard work. It's going to be hard enough for me to do the kitchen and go through this pile of mail I pulled out of the box!"

"Fine! I guess I can give it a shot, but not today. I gotta get ready fer work soon."

"There's something else I have to work on."

"What's 'dat?"

"You."

"Excuse me?!"

"You're a slob. You don't dress. You tend to smell. I am a cultured lady. If I'm going to be around you and have people think I'm actually attracted to you, I'll need to change your appearance and manners."

"Nuttin' doin'! Duke Weaselton don't change who he is fer no dame!"

There was suddenly a knock on the door. "Who is it? Dawn asked."

"Officer Wilde. May I come in?"

"Oh! Mr. Wilde! Sure." She opened the door for Nick. "Is there anything…" Nick brushed past Dawn and headed towards Duke. "...wrong?"

Nick picked up Duke by the neck and slammed him against the wall. "I told her you would not violate her! You made a liar out of me!"

All Duke could get out was "Her...ACCK!... Idea."

"I don't care if she came up with this 'boyfriend' crap. I know when someone is forcing themselves on someone else when I see it, Duke! I hate Dawn and now you're making me defend her damn honor!"

Dawn pulled on Nick's arm. "Nick wait! This was all my idea!"

"I'm sure it was, but…"

"Even the kiss! I told him to play along and he improvised. I'm not hurt. I'm not pressing charges."

Nick let Duke fall to the floor. "So you two are hustling the world into thinking you're a couple?"

"Well… yes."

"What does he get out of it?"

"He can stay here as long as he likes."

Nick chuckled. "You just said that to an officer. So if you ever decided to kick him out, you legally got nothing."

"SIGH! I know. But I realize now that he's no threat to me. Just annoying."

Nick picked Duke off the floor. "Sorry. I could tell it was unwanted, but she did give you the go-ahead to improvise." He then sat on the couch. "You're little secret is safe with me. Y'know… as much as I respect a good hustle, it's not going to work."

"Why not?" Dawn asked.

Okay, for one thing. Crabby is likely going to be asking you two a ton of questions. Personal stuff. You gotta have your stories straight. That means the best option for you two is to learn about one another. Be honest with each other. Get to know one another. Then there's the other thing."

Duke looked confused. "What other thing?"

Nick stood up. "In order for this to work, you two are going to have to have sex."

Both Duke and Dawn looked horrified. "WHAT?!" they shouted together.

Crabby's a cheetah. She has a strong sense of smell, like me. Dawn, I can't smell much of Duke around you and vice-versa. No one's marked you. In fact, I can smell a faint bit of a ram that's been with you, but barely Duke."

Dawn bowed her head. "That was Doug and that was a conjugal visit last year. You can still smell him?!"

"Yup. Also, no mink smells coming from Duke here."

Duke was upset. "Okay! So I lied! I mean… look at me. No girl wants me."

Nick chuckled. "Dawn does if she wants to save her career." Nick then started heading towards the door. "Looks like you got 48 hours to become an honest-to-goodness couple. Good luck, you two lovebirds!"

"Don't call us that!" Dawn shouted.

"Oh, and Dawn. The other reason why I came is, I checked into the squatter case and between the time we caught you until now has been only four years and eleven months. Technically, Duke has probably been here for less time than that. Meaning he has no squatter's rights. I WAS going to kick him out right now. But, since you promised he could stay, and I'm a witness, you're legally obligated to keep him here now, forever! Bye!"

"...Son of a… HEY! WAIT!"

Dawn chased Nick out the door. Nick turned around as he got to his car. "What is it?"

"Ummm… Thank you...for… for sticking up for me like that. I know you don't like me and you have very good reasons to hate me, but… SIGH! It feels odd to say to a pred, but I feel safer knowing you're protecting me. So, thank you."

Nick smiled. "Don't mention it. I mean that literally. It's not personal. I'm the one who's responsible for you, so I need to make sure you're protected. That's all."

He got in his car, backed out of the driveway, and left.

As he was driving down the street, he got a phone call. "Oh, hey! Wolford! What's up, buddy!"

"Hey, Wilde! Me and Fangs are on a lunch break over at Joe's Grill. Wanna swing by and have lunch?"

"Sure! Skye's working hard on an engine at her shop so I'll keep away for a bit so I don't distract her."

"Great! See ya there!"

Nick parked at the bar and grill and walked to the door. As he came in, he was surprised to see not only Wolford and Fangmeyer, but Clawhauser, Finnick, Jack, and Judy.

"Uhhh, guys? What's this all about?"

"It's an intervention," Judy replied.

Meanwhile…

Duke was dressed up for work. "I gotta go, toots. I mean, Dawn. Honey? Should I call you honey? Y'know, you bein' my fake girlfriend and all."

"No, just Dawn," the sheep replied. "You finally look decent."

"Thanks. It's my work duds. I help unload all 'da freight in 'da back. You want me 'ta pick up anythin'?"

"Nick said I can walk to the store as long as I notify him in advance, so I might see you there."

"Can't get enough of Duke Weaselton, eh? Alright, I might see ya later 'dere."

As Duke was leaving, he turned and kissed Dawn on the cheek. "Bye, Honey!"

"What was that for?"

"Practice!"

"Oh!... Oh, right. Good idea. Bye, ummm… Sweetie!"

Dawn watched Duke leave with a smile on his face. She was surprised to find that she was smiling too. "I guess he's not so bad. Maybe this will all work out."

She went and got a trash can and started sorting all of the old mail that was in the mailbox. "Ads…. ads…. Junk… old bill… She then found something odd. 'The Herdville Equine Regal Patrons Exclusive Society'?... HERPES?!" She dug through and found several letters from them. "I remember now. Mom was in their organization. Why are they sending so many letters to Duke? Maybe they forgot Mom was no longer here."

She started tearing into the letters one by one. "The oldest one is two years ago. 'Mr. Weasel. Once again, we implore you to please leave this neighborhood. You are bringing property values down.' Here's another. 'Mr. Weasel, we insist you leave our neighborhood before we take legal action. This is your final warning.' "

She looked at some more. "We don't want your filth near our houses. Leave before we take drastic measures. This is your final, final, warning. We know people who can get rid of you."

There was another. " 'Get out now before it's too late. You do not want to upset us. Super-final warning.' What the hell?! How many final warnings does one guy get?!"

She dumped it all into the trash. At that moment, there was a knock on the door. "Hello?"

"Ms. Bellwether! We're so happy you've come home!" said the voice from the other side. But it was unfamiliar to Dawn. She opened the door and saw a small crowd of equine women on the other side of the screen door. A camel, a sheep, a cow and a goat. All in fancy clothing.

The camel introduced herself. "Good afternoon, Dawn! I'm a big fan of yours. My name is Harriet Humpston. These nice ladies and I are with the Herdville Equine Regal Patrons Exclusive Society. Might we come in? We need to discuss your… rodent infestation."

Next Chapter: A bad case of HERPES