Right, so I'm an idiot and should have included a MAJOR DISCLAIMER for this one to everyone sensitive on the topic of suicide. Obviously, the premise of this story is that Pigeon Man isn't really dead but there's going to be mentions (and hopefully not jokes!) of suicide, and I'm trying to be careful about that going forward. I've gone back and added that to the start of the last chapter.

I myself have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past, and have lost people I know to it, and dark humor is just how I deal with things like this, but I realize it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Anyway, for anyone who doesn't know this story is a meta take on the rumor that went around for years that the episode 'Pigeon Man' was originally supposed to end with the titular character committing suicide, and Nickelodeon forced Craig Barlett to change the ending, thus Pigeon Man flying away was apparently supposed to just be a visual metaphor for his death instead.

Craig Bartlett has been very vocal about hating this fan theory, and put Pigeon Man in TJM intentionally to put that story to rest. But people on the internet have persisted with the idea even after Craig put the kibosh on it. He recounted even having told people that the entire story is untrue, and had people continue to argue that he was wrong... and that gave me the idea for this story.

Well, this one is already a million times darker in practice than it was in my head… well, continue on if you're okay with the subject, and if not I understand.

Chapter 2: Alternative Reality

The most uncomfortable hush yet fell over the classroom as Arnold stood up in defiance of Curly. Arnold quickly realized he had let his anger get the better of him, and decided to assume ignorance over malice on Curly's part, even if the latter option was always more likely with him. Everyone in the room stared at Arnold as if waiting for some big speech. Arnold could hardly blame them for that.

"Arnold?" Harold broke the silence, "We just saw it on the TV, it has to be true."

"What?" Arnold asked, "He's not dead. I just… think you made a mistake in your video is all, Curly…"

"Documentary, please, or 'doc' as we say in the film biz." Curly said, "And I'll have you know it already has rave reviews from the following critics." Curly looked down at a sheet of paper and read, "Mr. Gammelthorpe praised the film for it's stunning visual beauty and historical accuracy, stating 'Well, that was sure something' in his review. Mrs. Gammelthorpe hails it as a masterpiece, saying, "Oh that's nice honey. Good job.' Can you argue against critical praise like that?"

"I could…" Arnold said. "Look I know it sounds weird but I saw what happened. I was there two years ago."

"Ah! So it was murder!" Curly stated accusingly.

"What? No!" Arnold groaned, "He hooked himself up to a flick of pigeons and they flew him away. He flew off to help pigeons around the world."

Another awkward pause didn't even have a chance to come into behind before the entire class erupted with laughter, save for Gerald, Phoebe and even Helga.

"Hey!" Helga stood up and positioned herself in front of Arnold, "That's nothing to laugh at folks! Trust me, I've been to therapy, so I know how this stuff happens!"

How… what happens?" Arnold asked.

"Look, you probably saw something really traumatic so your mind just… came up with a happier ending, shall we say." Helga said.

"Not helping, Helga…" Arnold muttered.

"I heard he just turned into a pigeon and flew away." Stinky laughed.

"I heard he just jumped onto a low flying plane and highjacked it." Sid said.

"I heard he flew too close to the sun and then fell into the ocean." Harold said.

"No don't be stupid, Harold. You're just thinking of that story from Greek Mythology class." Rhonda said, all the while staring at her phone screen, "He jumped off the roof of his old building. Everyone on the internet knows that."

"And my magnum opus proves it!" Curly declared.

"Class, this is a potentially very heavy subject matter and not one to speculate about or make light of, so let's move along to the next project while we still have time. Up next, Arnold and Gerald-" Mr. Simmons stopped in mid sentence as the bell interrupted him, "Oh fudge… well, have a good weekend glass. We can resume presentations on Monday."

As the classroom filed out of the room, some faster than others, Arnold stomped over to confront Curly who was grandstanding in the hallway as other students were gathering around him. Arnold stood back and watched from a distance as Gerald started to leave.

"C'mon man, class is over." Gerald insisted, "Let's not have classroom drama following us into the weekend."

"This one's different." Arnold said, "I'm not just moral policing, this one is personal. And this could get really bad..."

"And I have a feeling you're about to make it worse, buddy…" Gerald sighed.

"Thank you, thank you." he spoke haughtily, "When I'm a renowned international filmmaker, I will think back to my humble roots here, and how sad it is that the rest of you are stuck here. Thank you. Eugene, if you would?"

Eugene stepped forward and handed Curly a small clearly homemade statue meant to resemble some kind of film award.

"That's the best you've got? A GI Joe spray painted gold?" Curly barked back at Eugene.

"Sorry Curly, I did the best I could with what I had to work with." Eugene explained.

"Fine, it'll do for now." Curly grabbed the award out of Eugene's hands, "It shouldn't be long before I win a real one…"

"For what? The big lie you're pushing?" Arnold interjected.

"Ah yes, the freelance buttinsky is here right on cue." Curly sighed, "I suppose it was inevitable you weren't gonna let this one go."

"Curly, Pigeon Man is alive. Why can't you just admit you made a mistake?" Arnold asked.

"Look, I've already submitted this thing to the Hillwood Film Festival," Curly said, "I can't have a little something like 'objective reality' get in the way. Whatever that is. Face the music, Arnold. Pigeon Man has ceased to be. He's joined the choir invisible. He is a late Pigeon Man."

"No, he's alive! He was in Helga's video essay about me last summer." Arnold insisted.

"It's always gotta be about you doesn't it?" Curly shook his head disapprovingly. "Anyway, that's old news. My movie's the current hit now, and everyone likes it better anyway. Which reminds me…" Curly reached into his backpack and withdrew several more jewel cases containing DVDs of his project.

"I've got copies for everyone! Show them to your family and friends!" Curly announced as he began handing copies to every nearby kid.

"Oo! Oo! Will you sign my copy, Curly?" Harold asked eagerly.

"Please, as if that would make it any more valuable." Rhonda rolled her eyes, but then as Curly handed her a copy she grinned as if struck with inspiration.

"Ooo… my let's plays, makeup tutorials, and workout videos didn't get any views, but imagine the following I'd get if I did a review of something this juicy…"

"No need to imagine, baby." Curly grinned back at her, "Make your dreams come true. I won't copyright strike it. Wink, wink."

Uncharacteristically undisturbed by Curly's attempt at flirting, Rhonda just eagerly rushed off to begin her latest endeavor to gain an online following.

"Hope she makes that video ASMR style…" Curly said in a hushed voice.

"Guys, come on!" Arnold interjected, "You all know the ending of his movie is a lie, why are you buying into this?"

"Arnold?" Curly sighed, and then placed a hand on Arnold's shoulder, "I know Pigeon Man had a special place in your heart, but that's not going to change the fact that he's dead."

"Curly, he's alive. That's the only fact." Arnold corrected, with rising bitterness in his tone.

"So? I've got alternative facts!" Curly declared, as he continually handed out more copies of his movie.

"How can you have 'alternative' facts? That doesn't make any sense." Arnold groaned.

"Simple, same way that Galileo proved that the earth is flat." Curly said, "He was a pioneer in the face of accepted dogma that people once accepted as 'facts,' and now so am I!"

"Curly, I don't even know what part of that to correct first…" Arnold sighed.

"Well split hairs if you want, but I've got my proof right here," Curly smiled as he held up a DVD, "Whereas all you've got is your word for us to believe. And when have we ever been able to take you at your word?"

"Pretty much all the time," Phoebe countered.

"Yeah, all except that one time." Helga noted, earning her a dirty look from Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe.

"What? You're the one going on about facts and truth, Football Head. Don't start skimping on the details, I'm just trying to be thorough."

"There you, see?" Curly pointed at Arnold, "The kid just isn't as reliable or trustworthy as he puts out! Whereas I'm taking up the noble cause of bringing attention to serious mental health issues!"

"Curly? You've been bringing attention to mental health issues for years." Helga snickered, "You're pretty much the poster child."

"See? I'm the good guy here!" Curly declared, "It's all a big joke to you! I'm noble, you're not! And soon the whole world will know!"

And with chilling manic laughter echoing down the halls, Curly dashed away towards the door, followed by his entourage, leaving the four remaining kids in a quiet stupor.

"Man, I can't tell if that boy is 'chaotic evil' or just 'chaotic chaotic'" Gerald mused, but when he heard no response from the others he looked at Arnold and Phoebe who both looked to be lost in deep thought.

Arnold finally broke the silence.

"Gerald? We've got work to do."

"Oh no…" Gerald protested, "I know that look in your eye… c'mon man, you were the one who wanted to get our project done early this week so we'd have the whole weekend to have fun. We got our work done. I think we at least deserve two days off for that."

"Oh yeah, what was your topic? 'Fuzzy Slippers'?'" Helga snickered.

"As if I'd ever blow my man's cover." Gerald shook his head, "But come on man, we were supposed to have a chill weekend."

"Think of it as an adventure." Arnold suggested, "Those are usually fun."

"Yeah, we hardly ever almost die when we go on those…" Gerald sighed, "I'm not talking you out of this one am I?"

"Nope." Arnold said calmly but stubbornly.

"So I should just quit now and accept my fate?" Gerald asked dryly.

"Grim." Arnold said, "But yeah."

"Goodbye weekend." Gerald sighed. "All right fine, let's get this over with and maybe we'll at least have Saturday night and Sunday."

"Serious investigations take time, Gerald." Phoebe said, "If we're going to combat this misinformation campaign, we'll have to be meticulous."

"We?" Gerald and Arnold asked.

"That's right. You're going to need my help." Phoebe said.

"Phoebe? We did our project. We're off the hook." Helga reminded her.

Phoebe chose her next words carefully, "Yes… but I was eager to take part in a slightly less… commercial venture, one more focused on cultural relevance and-"

"Beepers will be culturally relevant again if we make em relevant." Helga shot back.

"Thanks Phoebe." Arnold nodded, feeling validated that at least someone both believed him and seemed willing to do something about it.

"Helga?" Arnold asked, "You wanna come to?"

"Can I just sit this episode out…" Helga groaned.

"Episode?" Arnold Gerald and Phoebe asked in unison.

"Caper, misadventure, thing, whatever." Helga clarified.

"Helga, doesn't it bother you that people are out spreading misinformation and other people are just willingly swallowing it?" Arnold asked.

"Not really." Helga shrugged, "But if you're gonna make a thing out of it, I guess I could go along."

"That's all I ask…"

"With the right persuasion of course…" Helga rubbed her finger against her thumb.

"You want… what? A bribe?" Arnold asked.

"A bribe!?" Helga shouted, sounding offended, "Please, I'm a professional! My investigatorial services are in pretty high demand, bucko! And they don't come cheap! Supply and demand Arnold, that's how the adult world works, get used to it."

"Helga, what are you talking about-" Phoebe tried to interject.

"Phoebe? Didn't we just say the other day we ought to start charging?" Helga interrupted, "You know for our problem solving services? Semi-professional consulting as it were?"

"I don't think I'm remembering things quite the same way you're-"

"Ah, whatever. So I had that conversation with myself," Helga admitted, "But you were all thinking it. Feebs and I are the brains around here, always solving peoples' problems when Football Head drops the ball, and we figured we should start charging and no that has nothing to do with saving the Beeper Emporium so don't ask!"

The other three kids stood aghast. Helga was really outdoing herself today. Phoebe did at least find it mildly amusing how Helga was unconsciously demonstrating the very thing Arnold wanted to disprove, that being how the stories people told themselves were subject to exaggeration and subsequently changing over time.

"You wouldn't rather just help because you know it's the right thing to do?" Arnold suggested.

"Yeah. Come on Helga, you always do the right thing." Phoebe said confidently, then murmured, "Eventually…"

Helga clenched her fist and the others could see figurative steam blowing out of her ears.

"I'll reign horrible vengeance down on you later for that one, Feebs…" she grumbled, but then threw up her arms and said sarcastically, "Ah joy, let's go partake in more moral outrage completely free of charge. Whatever. I don't know why I even hang around self-righteous little dopes like y-"

A sudden peck on her cheek from Arnold silenced her mid sentence. The kiss sent Helga off into her own private world of bliss, and she practically melted where she stood while swooning uncontrollably. As Phoebe and Gerald looked on dumbfounded, Helga suddenly shook her head furiously and slapped herself hard across the face.

"Ugh…" she groaned, still sounding blissfully content at the same time, "No fair…"

"You'll help, then?" Arnold asked with a raised eyebrow.

"How could I possibly say no…" Helga sighed dreamily.

Phoebe and Gerald looked slightly aghast. Helga G. Pataki was not renowned for being easily swayed by anyone to do anything she didn't want to do. In recent months it had become slowly more and more clear that Arnold had become the one to crack that code.

"Arnold?" Gerald whispered into his friend's ear, "You gotta be careful… you're developing some scary powers over Pataki there… that's too much power for one man to have…"

"Hey." Arnold grinned slightly mischievously, "It's me. Would I abuse that kind of power…?"

"I hope not, buddy…" Gerald smirked back at him, "Or we'd all be in trouble-"

"I don't mean to break up what I'm sure is a fascinating and completely non-sexist moral and ethical debate over the responsibility that comes with such power…" Phoebe cut in, "But come on! We've got truths to expose! Let's go find that Pigeon Man!"

As Phoebe led the charge, Arnold and Gerald nodded and followed on her heel, leaving Helga behind to momentarily muse about her situation.

"Sheesh, am I losing my edge here? Man… Football Head really is making me go soft in my old age. Betsy?" Helga spoke to her fist, or rather her limp hand as she squeezed it with her other hand, "Betsy? You still in there, girl? Come on! Snap out of it!" She smacked her right hand with her left and then looked at the latter approvingly, "All right. At least the Five Avengers are still in there somewhere… hey! Goof wads! Wait up!"

Well.