Jason Baize (17) D8M
My knee bounced while I waited for my family to come into the room, up and down and up and down. My foot was sore from the bumping and I knew my muscles would later ache from just how much my anxiety was letting loose, but I didn't have it in me to care. Tears were still streaming down my face, despite my best efforts to wipe them off, and I knew my terror would only make my family feel worse. They'd want to stay calm, pretend that everything was alright, give me advice as if I stood a chance. They wouldn't want me to give up. But I wasn't sure I was willing to have hope if that hope could so easily be shattered.
I jumped up when my parents walked in, hugging my dad first. He was the first to walk in, of course, his speedwalk unmatched even by my mom's nursing jog. His hold was firm. He squeezed me back while I pulled him in as close as I could, burying my face in his shoulders while I stood on tiptoes to reach him. He pet my hair and just whispered, "It's gonna be ok. It's gonna be ok, babycakes. It's gonna be ok."
After a few seconds I pulled away from him, turning to my mother for a second hug. She didn't say anything, just holding me close while I sobbed into her. "I love you," I whispered into her ear, my hands clinging to her shirt. "I love you. I love you."
Again, I considered the time limit and pulled away from the hug. I sat down and brought my knees up to my chest, trying to control my breathing. "What now?" I asked, cursing at the way my voice faltered. "What now?"
Dad sat on one side of me and Mom on the other. Fidelia, Esperanza, and Annette sat on the couch next to us. Esperanza clearly wanted to be close to me, to hug me and let me know I was safe, but she also respected that Dad wanted to be near me. I saw the pain in her eyes and nodded to her, letting her know that I knew where she wanted to be. She wasn't avoiding me; she was just letting Dad do what he needed to do. He needed to be close to me more than she did.
"All right. You're gonna get sponsors. We'll do what we can, but make sure to be really nice in the Capitol. Smile and wave and find a way to stick out. You're funny, you're smart, you know how to be friendly. Stick out if it's the last thing you do. Try and look weaker than you are. You don't want the Careers coming after you. Learn survival skills. You'd be surprised how far you can get without killing anyone. Make some allies. There's safety in numbers." I listened politely while my dad rambled. Lots of the things he said made sense. Some of the things he said didn't. I knew he was talking to feel useful, hoping that one of the straws he grasped at would be the key to my Victory, so I didn't interrupt. I let him talk and talk and talk.
Finally, once he was thoroughly winded, Dad pulled me in for another hug. Then he got up and stood to the side, letting Esperanza sit by me. I held her hand and leaned on her shoulder, not needing to say anything. Nothing we said in the one hour we had could really boost my chances of survival. Dad was trying the best he could, but even he must have known it was futile. I just closed my eyes and sat in my sister's presence, holding Mom's hand in my left hand and Esperanza's in my right.
We sat in silence for painfully short minutes, each second the clock ticked another second less I had to live. A part of me shuddered at the thought of death, but a part of me remembered when I would have reached for it. A part of me wanted to embrace it so at least I wouldn't be so afraid. I tried to push that part down, to shut it up so I wouldn't have to think of it anymore. That part was foolish. It needed to be silenced like it had in the past or it would overwhelm me again.
"I love you all and I know you love me. Don't worry about that anymore, okay? It's tough but I know you love me," I said. My voice started as a whisper but rose in volume as I gained my confidence. "I know how hard everything's been and I know our family has been growing apart but we still all love each other, even if we don't have time to talk to Annette much and even if Fidelia is a jerk sometimes, okay? And I know you always said that if I died it would tear the family apart but if I die you're not allowed to give up. I get a dying wish and if I die- shut up, I know you want to tell me not to say that but it's my life. If I die you have to go on like it never happened. Mourn for like a week but don't spend a ton of time thinking about what you could have changed or what you did wrong. You're a great family and you're not allowed to give up just because I died."
My family stared for a few seconds after I finished speaking, processing my words and making sure I was done before they said anything. I could see the words they wanted to say jumping around in their heads, and I saw them reject those words when they noticed how little time we had left. I had timed my speech perfectly to make sure they couldn't just negate everything I said, telling me false platitudes to try and keep me calm. They had enough time for a few words if they were lucky.
Everyone but Dad settled for "I love you." Dad said the worst thing he could have said.
"Don't worry about that. You're coming home, Joyce."