You know how, sometimes in the author's notes, they say something like, "sorry for this! it's awful!" and then you read it and it's amazing?
Yeah, no, not the case here. I would like to apologize wholeheartedly for this piece of garbage. Seriously, what is this terrible angst monster?! Read at your own risk...
Ever since Akira was little, he's had a great respect for Go. He would always finish a game once he started it, he would devote every bit of his attention to what was before him, he would educate the other player or allow himself to be educated. It had been ingrained in him the same way a child is taught to look both ways before crossing the street.
And yet all it took was a blond fool to scrap it all.
Akira was supposed to be playing a game of Go. That is, he was supposed to be, because he couldn't focus and his entire body was burning and he was trying to regulate his breathing and his hands were in fists and every single part of him was taut and all he could think was relax, relax, for the love of god, relax.
No, he didn't have a fever. He was simply sitting across from Shindo Hikaru.
Shindo had been away on a small 'trip' (that was what Shindo had called it, at least) for a good long three days. Three days had been more than enough time for Akira to think about, seriously, what the fuck he was doing. Re-examining everything he'd done over the past year was like looking through very old childhood photos, grimacing and wincing at the worst ones while thinking, really? I did that? What did I hope to achieve? He noticed also that he had gotten worse and worse. He felt burned out, ragged around the edges; he was just so tired of this charade, of seeing Shindo every day and acting like things were normal when in reality it wasn't. Not only was he occasionally depressed and angry at himself and the boy of his affections, but he had been suppressing his thoughts and feelings, sinking into brooding periods that would sometimes last days, all while telling himself, this is fine, this is fine.
This was not fine, and he had to admit to himself that the best way to handle this would be to confess. Of course, he hadn't arrived to this conclusion on his own. It actually took an accidental conversation with his mother. She had walked in on him when he was staring blankly at the wall, just feeling numb and tired. She had cleared her throat. He had slowly turned his head and looked at her.
"Akira...are you okay?"
He had opened his mouth to reply that yes, he was fine, it was fine, but what came out was a choked sob. He hadn't even realized he was holding back tears until they were spilling out of him, like all his pent up frustrations were leaking out via his eyes. Maybe he'd been holding back tears for a while and he had just never noticed.
"Oh, Akira..." His mother had gone to him and wrapped him up in her arms, and Akira held on to her. It had been so long since he'd hugged his mother, and it made him feel almost childish, but just now, he needed this.
And so he told her. Not everything; Akira wasn't ready for that yet. He only said there was somebody very important to him that he had fallen in love with, and he didn't know how to approach them. His mother hadn't asked who it was, only given him advice.
And so now he was here, in the go salon, with Shindo, ready to confess. They were playing a game. There were virtually no customers. So why wasn't he saying anything?
"Toya."
Akira looked up to see Shindo looking at the clock on the wall. "It's time for me to leave."
Akira swallowed down his disappointment, inwardly cursing himself. Why didn't he say anything sooner?!
"Alright." He said evenly, clearing the stones off the Goban. "I'll see you soon."
Hikaru was looking at him strangely. "You okay?"
Akira nodded stiffly.
Shindo didn't look completely convinced, but grinned and got up from his chair. "You know," He said conversationally, "I think this is the first time we've said goodbye without screaming at each other."
Akira knew for a fact that wasn't true; it had happened maybe only three times before, but pointing this out would lead to an argument, and he just didn't have the energy for that right now. So, he pushed his chair away from the table, and got up, pretending that there was something on his sleeve he needed urgently to look at instead of the beautiful person currently walking away from him. He was tired of just looking. Tired of doing nothing.
He sighed and followed Shindo out the door. It was hot and sunny, yet all Akira felt was cold
Shindo was texting him and Akira was trying very, very hard to ignore him.
Hey, idiot, was it something I said?
I'm still waiting for an answer.
What did I do this time? just text me back.
Akira was holding the phone, reading the texts on the train with a mix of guilt and satisfaction. He knew that what he was feeling was not Shindo's fault. In fact, it was only Akira's, If he had just sucked it up and told Shindo about his infatuation his heart wouldn't still be straining against what felt like steel ropes, and he wouldn't be constantly clenching his fist in his pocket. But than again, it felt good to ignore that boy, as though giving the silent treatment would punish him for being so damn lovable.
Akira didn't really mind thinking about these things now; he would confess to Shindo, undoubtedly be rejected, and then he would work on getting over him. He had a plan. It would work.
He sighed and stuck his phone back into his pocket, staring blankly out the subway window. He always took this train to work. 'Work'. It sounded so funny calling it work, when really it was his greatest passion. But...did he WANT to play Go today? He chewed the inside of his cheek, mulling over the answer. No. He didn't really want to go to work today.
But he couldn't exactly just skip something when he didn't want to do it. That wasn't how the world worked.
But why not? Said the darker, dirtier part of his brain. Everything else has gone to shit, hasn't it? What's one more mistake?
The Go Institute would have to rearrange a lot of things...he would probably make their jobs hell if he skipped out on it today.
Who cares? You need a break.
He shifted uncomfortably, now biting his lip. He didn't like this part of him. Normally, he made it a rule never to indulge in it.
Come on...you know you want to.
Akira sighed resignedly. Fuck all. He was skipping.
It was only two o' clock in the afternoon. He had plenty of time to explore evening Tokyo.
When the train stopped at the next station, Akira stepped off the train and up the subway stairs, not sure where he was going or what he was doing, but knowing that it would feel great.
He walked aimlessly through the streets of Tokyo, wondering where he should go, if he wanted to go anywhere at all. He knew there was a Pachinko parlor near here, but he didn't feel like doing that. There was also an arcade, but he most definitely did not want to go there. The only reason he would ever go there was if Shindo made him-
He shook his head sharply. No, he was not thinking about him. This was his day off. He would not ruin it by thinking about that idiot.
He kept wandering, idly looking around at the crowd, weaving through back-alleys and the like. He knew it was a bad idea to just casually walk through dark alleys alone, but he found that he really didn't care. It wasn't like anything was going to happen anyway. What would be the chances?
His phone was starting to ring nonstop, first Ashiwara, then the Go Association, then his father, and that was when Akira silenced his cell phone and stuck it in his pocket. There was probably an uproar going on right now. But he didn't find it in him to care right now.
He sighed. Maybe he would just go back to the train station and people-watch. He retraced his steps to the station. It was now four and getting dark, the overhead white lights blinding when he first got underground. He sat down on a bench next to an old lady and some punk with bleached hair. He looked a lot like Shindo, scowling and fingering a piercing in his ear. Akira tore his eyes away from the boy and checked his text messages, seeing as he had nothing else to do. His eyes widened in surprise as he saw how many were from Shindo.
Hey, text me back.
Toyyyyyyyaa.
Text. Me. Back.
Hey, you okay?
Dude, are you okay? They're saying you didn't show up for work.
This isn't fucking funny, pick up the goddamn phone.
Are you ignoring me?
Pick up the phone.
Toya. Peace.
I mean, please. Damn auto correct. Please pick up the phone.
It went on and on. When he checked his phone, he counted six missed calls from Shindo. Akira's brows furrowed. Well, he didn't mean to worry anybody. Judging from what Shindo had said, they must all have thought he was mugged or kidnapped. Akira hesitated for a moment, then began to type Shindo's phone number. This was more important than sticking it to your love interest.
Shindo picked up immediately. "Are you okay?" He sounded so urgent Akira couldn't help but grin a little. Maybe his little 'silent treatment' plan had worked after all.
"I'm fine, Shindo." He said, trying to keep the smile out of his voice.
"You asshole! What're you doing?!"
The smile faded. "I...ah..." Saying it loud would sound so petty and stupid, and Akira felt guilt twisting in his stomach. Which wasn't fair. It was Shindo that drove him to doing this, anyway.
"Why do you care?" He said instead.
"Because the Go association if freaking out!" He snapped, and Akira got off the bench so as not to bother the old lady sitting next to him. "Where the hell are you?!"
"I'm at a train station." Akira said as calmly as he could while fighting down anger.
Shindo sounded flabbergasted. "Why? Did you get held up?" He sounded skeptical; trains almost never stalled in Tokyo.
"No." Akira said, tucking his arm around his middle and taking a deep breath. "I'm...skipping today."
There was silence. Then… "WHAT?!" Akira winced.
"You can't just fucking SKIP, it's your job! What were you thinking?!"
Oh, like Shindo was so squeaky clean! He had missed two months worth of games in May, who the hell did he think he was? "You're one to talk!"
There was silence for a few seconds, as though Shindo was working out what he'd said. "That was different."
"Different? How? How was it different, Shindo?!" He was shouting now. "Tell me in fact, why that was such a special time for you!?"
Shindo sighed heavily and angrily from the other end of the phone. "Come on, don't do this now, Toya..."
"Do what?! All I want is the truth!" Akira had no idea how this argument had turned into what it was, but felt no need to change its direction. "I have been waiting and waiting, and you just keep taking me for granted, thinking I'll wait! When will you ever let me stop waiting?"
"Look, I never ASKED you to follow me around like some puppy dog," Shindo was shouting now as well. "You never give this a rest, do you? Right now, we're talking about YOU, Toya. You, and the fact that you skipped a day of your JOB because you just felt like it!"
"Oh, since when was anything about me?" It came out more bitter and venom-filled than what he had intended, and he inwardly cursed himself for falling apart now.
"Stop acting like an asshole and tell me why in the name of God and anime you did it?" Shindo snapped.
"I just..." How to answer this question? "I just needed a break." He rubbed his eyes tiredly, wishing he could just tell him the truth somehow.
"Um, I'm sorry?" The sarcasm was practically dripping from every syllable. "Toya Akira does not take BREAKS. A Go player does not take BREAKS. The son of fucking Toya Meijin does not-"
"I don't care, okay?!" Akira didn't realize he had screamed it until he heard his own words echoing throughout the train station. It felt good to scream. It felt good to say what was on his mind. "I just...sometimes I need a break. From everything. From you."
"Uh..." Shindo sounded definitely confused. "What does this have to do with me?"
Oh, that did it. Akira started genuinely laughing, giggling nonsensically, because this was surely it. This was the stupidest thing he, God, and anybody on this station would ever hear come out of the mouth of Shindo Hikaru. Of course this was about him. He was the one that started this, he was the one person it all came down to. He had made Akira like this. And he didn't even know it. God, this was so ridiculous.
"Toya, are you okay?" Shindo didn't sound mad anymore, or even confused. Just concerned. Which made Akira laugh even more. Just now Shindo was getting a hint that something was wrong?
"No, Shindo, I'm not okay." He hadn't intended to say it, hadn't intended to say anything, but it was out of his mouth now. "That's why I came to the station."
There was a ringing ten seconds silence, which Akira was confused by. All he had said was that he was not okay, and he had come to the station to let of some steam. Why was Shindo responding like Akira had announced his had contracted cancer?
"Where are you?" Shindo's voice sounded expressionless, but Akira caught a fain tremor in it. His voice was shaking? "I mean, which train station?"
Akira briefly entertained the notion of just hanging up. "The station I always use." He said, mouth dry. Dammit. That boy must have some kind of hypnotic hold on him, or something.
"Okay, don't move, don't get on the train, just stay there. I'm coming over."
Akira blinked in surprise. "What? Why-"
"Just stay there!" Shindo almost sounded panicked now. Akira opened his mouth to say something, confused, but Shindo had already hung up.
He placed his phone back in his pocket, reeling from the conversation he had just experienced. Shindo was coming here. And then what? He sighed and turned around to see bot the old woman and the bleached-haired punk staring at him with twin expressions of curiosity and amusement. His face burned as he sat back down on the bench, looking at the ground.
"You know," The punk said with a wolfish grin. "It's a good thing most people are still at work and it's just us here. You should work on keeping your volume to a minimum."
Akira glanced up to glare at him, and the punk smirked and looked the other way.
Eventually, Akira heard loud footsteps on the stairs to the underground station, and got up to face his rival. Shindo emerged from the stairwell out of breath, hands on his knees. His bangs were sticking to his forehead with sweat, but he straightened up almost immediately, and upon catching sight of Akira squared his shoulders. Akira saw there was a definite note of panic in his eyes, and wondered what could have affected him so much. Shindo marched forward, grabbed Akira by the shoulders, and stared directly into his eyes.
"Don't do it." His voice was serious.
Akira took a moment to answer (Shindo's brilliantly green eyes were very distracting up close), but shook his shoulders to get Shindo's hands off of them. "Don't do what?"
"What I know you were going to do." Shindo took a step forward and gripped him by the elbows instead, as though he needed to touch Akira.
Akira didn't even try to get away this time as he said, "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."
Shindo shook him a little, the panicked look becoming more pronounced, his hands gripping him tightly. "You know exactly what I'm talking about!"
Akira was getting seriously annoyed. "No, I do not!"
Shindo shook him again, his jaw clenched. "Please, Toya, I don't know what I would do if I lost you, too."
Lost me? Akira took in Shindo's shaky breathing, his tight grip, his tensed up body, and concluded that Shindo was barely holding himself back from a breakdown.
"What do you think I'm going to do?" Akira asked slowly, searching Shindo's wide eyes with his own narrowed ones.
"Jump in front of the train and kill yourself!" Shindo shouted in his face, and Akira winced before processing what Shindo was saying. He froze.
"I don't know what's been going on with you lately," Shindo was babbling. "And I should have said something sooner, but you obviously seemed okay, and I'm so, so sorry I didn't do anything to help you, but I can't lose you, I can't, I would die!"
Suddenly, Shindo grabbed Akira's wrist and forcefully rolled up his sleeve, Akira jerking a little in surprise. "Have you been cutting yourself?!" Shindo demanded while inspecting Akira's unblemished arms.
Akira jerked his wrist out of Shindo's grip, for now more focused on calming his friend down than reprimanding him for jumping to conclusions. "Shindo, relax!" He placed his arms on Shindo's shoulders, hoping stabilize him. "I'm not going to commit suicide." He said in an even and measured tone. "It was a misunderstanding. I was only coming here to relax a little, not throw myself in front of a train."
Shindo's eyes widened even more, and he stared, dumbfounded, at Akira, before heaving an enormous sigh of relief. "Oh, Jesus Christ," He sighed, tipping his head back and running his fingers through his bangs. "You freaked me out."
Akira sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in complete disappointment. "Shindo...do you think I would be the kind of person to throw myself in front of a train? To kill myself?"
"No!" Shindo blurted. "But you never really know, do you?!"
"Well, I'm not, so get that notion out of your head." Akira said, a little gentler this time.
They spent a moment just staring at each other, Shindo apparently trying to see whether he was really okay or not, and Akira checking that his rival had calmed down.
Finally, Shindo broke the silence. "So...why are you at the train station?"
Akira bit the inside of his cheek, wondering how much to tell him. "I've...I've been dealing if some things. I just needed some time to myself."
Shindo folded his arms and scoffed, a small smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. "You could have called in sick instead of being a dick about it."
Akira rolled his eyes, smiling a little himself. "Yes, that's me, Toya Akira, supreme di-"
There was a yellow blur; a feeling of something hot and soft pressing against his lips; and the rest of his sentence was drowned out. It took him half a second to realize that Shindo had just kissed him. Shindo. His brain told him to look again. To check, because surely this wasn't happening. He was sure his brain had fizzled out just trying to comprehend what was going on.
Their lips were barely pressed together, as though Shindo was afraid of going any farther. Akira was fine with that; any farther and he fight have had a heart attack.
Shindo retreated a couple of inches. "Sorry." He was barely breathing it. "I just...I really thought you were..."
Akira stopped him from saying anything more as his brain caught up to what was happening and immediately sent out panic signals of what he should do. He acted on instinct. He firmly gripped the sides of Shindo's head and stared into his eyes. Shindo's eyes were wide, almost confused. Akira ignored the confusion; if Shindo didn't want him to do this, he shouldn't have kissed him like an idiot. Suddenly unable to hold himself back, he kissed him, waiting to see what Shindo would do next. Akira felt the other boy's hand cup the back of his head, and that was all the invitation he needed. He opened his mouth, hoping to god he wouldn't be a bad kisser. Enthusiastically, Shindo tangled his hand in Akira's hair and licked the inside of his mouth. Akira gripped him by the shoulders, and-
"Yo, we're still here, gaywads!"
They pulled apart, Akira hurriedly wiping the back of his mouth on his sleeve, and cast a glance over to the old woman and the punk, who were indeed, still sitting on the bench. The woman's jaw was hanging open, her expression scandalized. The punk was smirking broader than ever, and Akira flushed crimson with horrible heat. He ducked his head and looked at the ground.
"Here all week, folks!" Shindo said loudly and cheerily, his cheeks brushed with a tinge of pink. "Thanks for watching! Good night!"
And with that, Shindo grabbed Akira by the arm and dragged him up the stairs and out of the station.
...Okay, my brain decided to make this into a three parter. Damn, I just wanted to write a short, slightly angsty HikaAki fic, but noooo, my brain can't put up with under achievers.