A.N: I have been binging all the superhero shows, Marvel's Falcon And the Winter Soldier, the animated Invincible, and even the new Jupiter's Legacy. I love the idea of a superhero team and I have an idea that I'll hopefully be able to get to someday. All of these shows bring up some really intriguing issues that I was thinking about when I wrote this. Hope you enjoy!
Shelter Me
"Name one hero who was happy."
I considered. Heracles went mad and killed his family; Theseus lost his bride and father; Jason's new wife and children were murdered by his old; Bellerophon killed the Chimera but was crippled from the fall from Pegasus' back.
"You can't."
He was sitting up now, leaning forward.
"I can't."
"I know. They never let you be famous and happy." He lifted an eyebrow. "I'll tell you a secret."
"Tell me." I loved it when he was like this.
"I'm going to be the first." He took my palm and held it to his. "Swear it."
"Why me?"
"Because you're the reason. Swear it."
"I swear it." I said, lost in the high color of his cheeks, the flame in his eyes.
"I swear it," he echoed.
We sat like that for a moment, hands touching.
He grinned, "I feel like I could eat the world raw."
—Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles.
I want you to retire.
It knocked him out of a restless sleep, hauling him upward from the bed and disturbing Merida's head from his chest, making her mutter and roll over. He stared at her back, his shaking and clammy palm moving to shift her mane away from her shoulder and eying the smattering of freckles there. She muttered, cold or tickled or downright agitated, burrowing under the heavy coverlet and hiding from his piercing eyes.
He slipped down close to her, pressing his front to her back, swallowing bile and breathing in the minty scent of her shampoo.
Hiccup was smart enough to know never to voice that wish—not if he wanted to live to see the next day.
I want you to retire.
It hit him when he opened up the fridge, Merida leaning against the counter and chuckling at something Rapunzel's Eugene had joked, munching on an apple casually.
The thought staggered him, its insistence, its cruelty, its simplicity. It wormed its way into him, his peace of mind, his quiet days, demanding he acknowledge it.
"…Hiccup?" Merida asked, tipping her head. "Can'nae decide what ye want?"
He blinked, grabbed the carton of eggs on the shelf, then slammed the door and offered her an easy smile.
"Couldn't find 'em," he shook it gently, trying to shrug off the odd glances.
"Make me some," Jack demanded after a beat, effectively moving the conversation forward and he was so grateful.
I want you to retire.
He was inside her, trying like Hel to please her, when it seized him by the chest and shook his heart in his ribs like a bird in a cage.
With a snarl, he yanked himself away and Merida yelped, wanting and shocked, as he threw his legs over the side of the bed and panted over his knees, trying not to heave.
She was silent, surprised to the point of quiet for a full moment before her hand took his shoulder, "Wha' the fuck, Hiccup?! What is goin' on with ye?"
"Sorry, just…" I want you to retire. He swallowed a shout, "I…I keep having…flashbacks."
"Of…the explosion?"
He closed his eyes.
"The one that…took yer leg?"
He stood, grabbing his underwear and slipping them on as he moved away. He wanted to scream at her, shake her by the shoulders, raise the dead like Loki during Ragnarok and send the whole team to pieces in the night.
Merida looked small under the covers, for the first time in their relationship hiding away from him.
"…D'ye want to talk about it?"
I want you to retire.
"No." Yes.
"…D'ye want me to leave ye be?"
No. "Yes."
Not once in the year they'd been dating did he push her away and he could read the hurt in her face as she stooped to pull a shirt (his) over her head, then her panties, then shuffle out of his dark room and down the hall to her own.
He wanted to call her back, to speak to her, to finish what they started, to enjoy each other.
But he couldn't. It was eating at him, constantly, waiting to be voiced.
I want you to retire.
Cursing, he threw his nearest book into the wall and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. He begged the thought to disappear, to stop, to leave him alone.
(It didn't oblige him.)
"—what do you think?"
"…hm?" It took more time than he'd like to realize that Rapunzel was talking to him.
She shot him a strange glance, "What do you think?"
"…Ah, uh…to?"
Sighing, she ran her fingers through her short brown hair, "What do you think about going on a double date? Eugene thought it might be fun."
"Oh, uhm, yeah, sure, Merida and I would love to…" He thought that was the end of it, but he was wrong.
"Excellent! So, I was thinking eight?"
Hiccup blinked, "Eight?"
"Well, if that's too late, we could always go earlier. But the alley is open until, like, two in the morning!"
"Um, sure, I…that'll work. If Jack doesn't mind holding down the fort."
"I think he'll invite Elsa, Anna, and Kristof—just in case there's an emergency."
"Oh…okay," she beamed up at him.
"Great! See you later!"
He turned to the hall and went to ask Merida if she was down for bowling later, feeling hollow the whole way.
I want you to retire.
He jerked, swallowing a little shout when Merida slipped up behind Rapunzel while she was swinging to grab the ball off her fingers, making them shriek with laughter. The owner shouted at them to quiet down and not act so foolishly with such heavy objects lest they get hurt, completely unaware as to who he was speaking to, they power they wielded, the strength they had.
Hiccup shook his head and stared at the flashing lights, trying to will away the persistent thought that ate at him like a bird pecking at his insides.
"So…" Eugene offered, "What's up with you and Red?"
"Uh, nothin'," he crammed a cold curly fry into his mouth to try to stifle the awkwardness. "We're fine."
"…So, the glaring is normal?"
He glanced over to see that Merida was indeed glaring at him, but turned away when he caught her glance. They had spoken very little, but when they did it was clipped and short and stilted.
"…Well, kind'a…"
"Hmm. O-o-kay," he shrugged, "I'm up!"
He went up and threw a perfect strike, then flexed and acted foolish while the girls howled.
"Here," Eugene offered them some cash, "Can you guys grab us another round of beers?"
Merida snatched the bill with a cry of affirmation as they dashed away, giggles trailing behind them.
"Your turn!" Eugene summoned him and he stood, throwing horribly both times and uncaring as his score tanked even further.
"So, you goin' to tell me?" He motioned to the girls at the concession area, that they were alone and could speak without fear of being heard.
He swallowed. "…Do you ever wish that…that Rapunzel wouldn't do what she does? That her job was…something different?"
Eugene whistled lowly, "Oof. Okay. Big questions, huh? Uh, yeah…I mean, I remember googling therapists' suicide rates one time and was just…thrown. It's alarming, but…y'know I keep telling myself 'if she's strong enough to do it, I can be strong enough to support her dream.' What does Merida even do again?"
His brain sought out their lies, "Uh. Bartend."
"Oh, yeah. Well, I mean," he shot him a tired look, crossing his arms, "C'mon…buddy, like…if she was flirting with someone, it was for tips, y'know? No one turns her head like you, don't let jealousy get in the way of something that seems pretty good—!"
"No, no, nothing like that, nothing like that," he shrugged, "There was…an incident."
"Oh…oh!" He blinked, "Raps didn't say anything. What happened? Bar fight?"
"…Yeah," he agreed to the falsehood, uncaring. "Armed guys. Merida…got in the middle of it, nearly got really hurt…"
"Ooh," he winced, "Yeah…uhh…huh."
"Yeah…"
"So…you want her to quit?"
He winced. "Yes."
"Don't say it," Eugene commanded him lowly, "Whatever happens, whatever you do—don't. Don't do it to yourself, don't do it to the relationship. Telling a woman that you want them to stop doing something, especially involving their career, because of your fears is not a good idea. Just…get her some mace or make a list of other things she can do and have it ready for if and when she decides she might want to do something else."
"…Yeah…"
"Good man," he clapped on the shoulder. "Trust me—there's nothing worth the backlash you'd get."
Hiccup closed his eyes and tried to smile when the girls arrived with crisp cold glasses of beer, but all he tasted was ash and blood.
He was honestly surprised she lasted as long as she did.
"All right—out with it! I've had just about enough of ye, lad!"
They were training, dancing between blows and shifting between limbs.
"I'm fine," he panted, speeding their movements up, hoping to use his previous training to his advantage, keep her on her toes, ignore the issue at hand.
"Ye're not!" She half-cried, spinning to kick at his jaw.
He blocked, "Keep your guard up!" Diving for her exposed middle, she got hold of his arm and knocked him to his knee with one hand pinned behind his back.
"Tell me what's goin' on!" She pressed harder and he grit his teeth at the strain of his joint. "Now!"
"I'm your boyfriend, not a criminal! You don't get to interrogate me!"
"Ye will'nae stay my boyfriend if ye do'nae talk to me!"
Surprised by her own admission, he thinks, she loosened her hold and he was able to twist free and throw her onto her shoulder. She was up in a heartbeat, flashing teeth that seemed a little too big, a little too sharp.
"Don't let your emotions get the better of you," he advised, restarting their quick-step of fierce attacks.
"Do'nae be such a prick!" Her accent was thicker, proof that she was transforming a little.
"If you can't fight me calm and rational, we're stopping." He ceased all movement, both of them panting into the silence.
"…Is that what ye want, then?" She snapped, "To stop?"
"…It might be for the best."
(They weren't talking about fighting anymore.)
Her chest heaved, "D'ye want to tell me why?"
I want you to retire.
Biting his tongue, Hiccup looked away from her water eyes, her clenched jaw, her wild and frizzed hair.
She looked like an animal, she looked dangerous.
She looked terrified.
It brought another memory to mind and he let out a ragged huff of air, trying like Hel to push the image away.
"…Is this…because of before? At the bunker?"
Hiccup snarled at the mere mention of the event.
"…I…I can't stop…seeing you, hearing you, feeling you…" he heaved, "The blood. The horror. I can't…I can't…move forward."
'Don't say it,' he remembered Eugene's advice and bit down hard on his ragged cheek, drawing blood.
"So…because I almost died, ye want to put it upon yerself and us and break up? Do I have all this right then?"
"…I don't…want…us to be over. But I don't…I don't know how to let this go…"
"I did," she cried, aghast. "I was the one that was hurt. I was the one that nearly met my end! But you want to sit there and act as if ye are the one that suffered?!"
"Our minds were linked, Merida! I felt it, we all did! And-and-and I felt your fear! And everyone else's! Rapunzel's, Jack's, my own! I lost my leg, but I was lucky enough to pass out at the pain. But your arm?" He blinked at it, whole and hale and perfect again thanks to Rapunzel's healing powers, "I could feel it all. Every cell, nerve, bit of bone…I haven't known anything like it and I hope I never have to know it again."
She blinked away tears, one slipping down her cheek.
"I-I ken that…that ye're scared, to hurt again. To lose me, should…should somethin' like that happen. But-but…Hiccup, I…I do'nae…I do'nae want ye…to leave me…"
"…I don't want to leave either," he whispered, "I…I love you, I think I have since I met you, all those years ago. Even when we were enemies, even when we fought. I knew you, somehow, in my heart and soul."
She cried harder, starting to hiccup a little. "Then…why?"
"Because I…"
I want you to retire.
He swallowed it, "Because I'm a coward."
Hiccup turned and ran to prove his point.
It came at him with the call of the emergency bell, the rooms filled with the hazy red glow as they raced to change into their uniforms and catch up on what happened.
I want you to retire.
She hesitated at the sight of his bike, his back to her. Rapunzel stepped through space and light, Jack taken along the whipping of the wind, but Merida had always rode with him on the back of his motorcycle, his SKRILL.
"Get on, Artemis," he snapped over his shoulder, "We have no time to waste!"
She threw her leg over with a furious mutter, forgoing wrapping her arm around his waist as per usual.
If Hiccup hit the gas harder than usual just to slam her into him, demand her touch, take it whether she wanted to give it or not, he prayed she wouldn't ask.
Merida righted herself, whatever curses she had to give him swallowed by his helmet and the rushing of the wind.
Still, it couldn't drown out the little curse in his mind as they raced, as fast as possible, towards danger, towards another threat, one that could hurt her, maim her, take her away from them.
He nearly voiced it, let it be swept away, let it free.
But he swallowed it again.
By Thor, how it burned.
Merida, or Artemis in her costume, was always a sight to behold when she fought. There was always such grace to the other women, heroines, ever aware of a gaze that condemned them to a kind of control. They would dance and flourish and flounce, ever so careful of their limbs even when they might lose one.
Merida never had that.
Whether she was aware and didn't care about it, or simply defied the expectation of her gender, of everyone, he wasn't sure.
Merida was pure savagery. She always was, but more so once she put on her suit. She stomped, effortless and purposeful, between that fine line of animal and human.
Her powers shone through, her monstrous strength, her sharpened teeth just a little too large for her mouth, swiping with her sharpened metal claws.
Hiccup loved to see her shoot her bow, her terrible accuracy, able to take down a swooping Jack at even his topmost speeds.
But when she unsheathed her nails, tiny blades of pounded steel, miniature samurai swords, and went about kicking and ripping through man and machine like she was a Valkyrie on the warpath, not guiding souls but stealing them away with force, he felt as if he was a soul already abandoned on the battlefield and had followed her for centuries.
Never did he wish to die, but if he had to go he wouldn't mind falling under her.
After a slew of robots had been taken out, their bodies thrown in broken chunks of chittering fuses and snapping wires at their feet, bleeding oily ichor and suffering like Talos on the beaches of Crete.
"We'll need to split up and move towards the control room up on the higher floor while another team goes below to handle whatever laser Dagur has managed to make," Hiccup intoned calmly, his heart racing in his chest. "I'll head up to engage above with Frost as my second. Artemis, Lantern, you go below and shut that thing down."
There was a brief, confused pause as everyone tried to right themselves.
"Uh…Fury," Jack, as Frost, staggered a little, his staff swinging around his bare toes, "Uh…uh, don't you mean—?"
"I mean what I said." He snapped, avoiding a snarl.
It wasn't how they did things, not for a year or more. Sure, they could all fight together and in any teams, they'd be a pretty poor group if they couldn't, but they had their general pairs. Merida and Rapunzel weren't a bad duo when it came to open spaces, wide areas, where her arrows or claws wouldn't come too close to Rapunzel's sentient strands of golden hair. Jack and Hiccup were good when it came to fighting together on the ground, but once he was up in the air it stranded Hiccup that could leave him open to attack in a way that Rapunzel wouldn't face.
"Go!"
Artemis sneered from beneath her cowl but diligently moved forward.
'Mental link established,' Rapunzel's voice rang in their heads, 'Keep safe, we're headed below!'
'Artemis, use the arrow I made that will—!'
'Short-circuit the mainframe of the weapon, yeah, I got it.'
How there was awkward mental silence, Hiccup wasn't sure.
He just kept himself focused on the task at hand, praying that whatever happened, that thought would just stay away.
Dagur appeared just in the nick of time, demanding blood and revenge for whatever he was upset about now.
If Hiccup was more savage than usual, no one dared say a word.
I want you to retire.
I want you to retire.
I want you to retire.
I
(I want you to be safe.)
Want
(I want to keep you safe.)
You
(I never want you to hurt again.)
To
(I want you to hide from darkness, from pain.)
Retire.
(I want you to put away your weapons, your suit, your claws and bow.)
I want you to retire.
He must of swallowed it a thousand times.
In the shower, washing blood out of his eyes after getting a blow to the forehead that dug his mask into his brow.
Eating dinner, hearing her laughter from down the hall.
At his desk, redesigning weapons, their armor, her blades.
Watering the flowers on the rooftop garden.
Brushing his teeth before bed.
Walking Toothless.
Ordering coffee at the local place down the road.
Sitting in his office, rifling through files, looking for clues and evidence.
While programming updates for ASTRID.
Putting away the dishes, Jack chewing his ear off about Elsa or this new painting he was working on, Rapunzel shuffling off to work with a bright wish of a good day.
On missions, suiting up, heading out, fighting, coming home, cleaning up.
He ate it in their awkward silences, in between stilted and still-angry shared looks, when she turned her back and he hid in the shadows.
He devoured it when they were alone, for brief moments, both trying to find something to say to fill the space he had built between them.
Sometimes he wanted to scream it, shout at her and shake her and demand she listen because she she should.
Then, other times, he wanted to whisper it like a dirty secret that only the silence should ever dare hear.
Hiccup pushed it away, down, hoping it would disappear eventually. But it just kept building up, piling against each other, filling him to the brim.
He shouldn't have been surprised when it finally came to light.
"…The fuck did ye say to me?"
They were in a team meeting, he was handing out orders as he was expected to do, as he had done a hundred times before.
He opened his mouth to say something else, but he was too full of his secrets. There was nothing else in his mouth.
"I want you to retire."
Jack and Rapunzel gawped, blinking at him. He stared at Merida's face, memorizing it.
Her eyes weren't true blue, but more of a robin's egg color, the color of the Mediterranean Sea, of the furthest northern ice. It made the fiery red of her hair more striking, like Ragnarok brought to flesh and bone, burning skies and frozen earth.
He was lucky that Rapunzel had transformed, her sentient mane snapping a blade from the air, about half a foot from his face.
Hiccup thinks he could have dodged.
Probably.
"Ye absolute worthless, son of a troll, I will skin ye—!"
A thicker band of hair wrapped around Merida's torso, pinning her arms down so she didn't toss anything else or reach out and choke the idiocy from him.
"Calm!" Rapunzel begged, voice rising above the slew of threats and insults, "Merida, stay calm!"
"—how dare ye—!"
"Uh, uh, uh…" Jack floundered, hoping to find a way to smooth things over, making them all laugh but couldn't figure out how.
"I want you to retire," he said again, unable to stop now that it was out.
It jarred them all, everyone stilling that he kept repeating it.
"Hiccup, Hic, my man, my dude," Jack fluttered, as nervous and light as a snowflake on the wind, "You-you-you can't really…say…that…?"
He didn't want to say it, he never wanted to say it, it never should have come out. But he didn't have any more room in him, it filled every inch, crevice, spare nook and cranny.
"I…do. I do, I want you to retire."
Rapunzel's jaw dropped while Merida's snapped shut and ground together so loud he worried about their dental plan from the city, if it would cover a cracked molar.
"Merida…deep, deep breaths—!"
"Ye want me gone? Ye want me done? Fine, here I am. Done!" She glared at Rapunzel. "Let me loose."
"I—?" The blonde swallowed as she tried to look around at the others but then her hair loosened and they all watched, transfixed, as Merida strode from the room.
"…Hiccup, what have you done?" Rapunzel was ashen white, her lower lip trembling. "What have you done?"
"Why did you say that?" Jack asked, just as quiet, not accusing, concerned. "Hiccup, what is going through that big brain of yours?"
"I…I…I don't know," he whispered, aghast. "I don't know…"
"I've…I've got to stop her," Rapunzel ran from the room, calling for Merida as she bolted, shouts that sounded miles away ringing in Hiccup's head.
"Hic?" Jack grabbed his shoulder.
"I…I don't know. I had to. I had to," his voice rose a little with panic. "After—after the bunker, when she—when we—I—it's been sitting on me, in my brain, eating at me, and I-I-I don't know how…how to live with it, Jack, I see it and I feel it and I remember and she—and you—and Rapunzel—just keep going on and moving on—and-and-and—!"
"Okay, okay, c'mon," Jack grabbed him, steadied him, "Breathe, man, breathe!"
"No one wants to talk about it," Hiccup snarled. "She nearly died. In my arms. Jack…why—did I dream it? Am I the one that's losing my mind?"
"No, no," Jack tried to pull him closer, to contain him, but Hiccup was feeling a little wild, "No, Hic, no, I'm sorry—Merida—Merida just moved on and-and-and she—! She just didn't want to talk about it, not to us. And how could we mention it when she went through it?"
"But—we all went through it—!"
"We did. We did, yeah," Jack shuddered, remembering the screams, the mental anguish, the feeling of his own arm being nearly ripped off. It was only for a few moments before Rapunzel was able to get her mental faculties under tight enough control to block out Merida and remain linked only with the other three of them. "But we can't force things. If Merida wants to speak on it, she can. But she wanted—she told us, she said she wanted to keep moving forward, to keep going. So…we…kind of neglected you."
"I…" he swallowed tears, leaning over the table then popping back up. "She…she can't leave!"
"Okay, wait, wait, everyone wait!" He got him by the arm, "Let Rapunzel handle Merida, I'm working on you!"
"No, no, no, I can't—she can't leave because of this, because of me," he nearly hollered, pulling at Jack's grip. "Please, just—let me talk to her, let me try—!"
"Just take a beat! We all need to stay calm!"
"But—what if she goes?" He whispered, shuddering, "What if I do lose her? Just—not in the way that scared me before?"
"Where will Merida go? Her brothers are here, in the city, with their foster family. She cannot just pick up and leave and head off to God knows where," Jack rolled his eyes, blue now, despite his still brown hair, obvious of his own distress. "She's right here, the furthest she can go is Metro City!"
"But-but-but she's packing right now—!"
"And Punz is working on that," he held up his hands, "Stop. Breathe. This has…obviously been something that's been on your mind for awhile. So…talk to me for a second, tell me why…beyond what happened, tell me why you feel that…Merida should stop being Artemis?"
"I don't have any good reason beyond what happened. She's…she's got a place here among us, she's a wonderful hero, I have no right to even…even have said it," he rubbed his eyes. "I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to think it. But…but after what happened, her nearly…it-it-it just appeared. It's like an ear worm, like a shitty song on the radio that keeps popping into my head, it won't leave me, it hits me at all points of the day, everyday…"
"An intrusive thought," Jack named, quiet and sad. "And you never…told anyone?"
"I kind'a said something to Eugene, just that I was scared for her, that I wanted to say something. He told me to never say it and I knew, I knew that if I did, this would happen!" He put his head in his hands, "Gods, I'm such a—fucking worthless—!"
"Oi, self-hate won't get us anywhere, all right? The-the," he sighed and ran his hands through his now snow-white hair, cold flakes and frost falling from the strands, "Look, I'm not Rapunzel, I'm not studying this, but my understanding is that an intrusive thought is uncontrollable. It's like seeing a kitten and wanting to punt it halfway down the block for a split second and then going, 'oh, shit, I'm a monster!' But really, no, you're brain is just wigging out because you can't even process how cute it is. Maybe? I don't know, you just can't—blame—yourself for how your brain tries to process trauma! Right?" He asked mostly himself. "Yeah, that sounds about right…"
"But I can't even ask that—!"
"No, you can't," Jack assured, "You can't ask someone to abandon part of their identity. But you can't bottle up how you feel either. You have just as many rights to a therapist or whatever as Merida does, Hic. Why didn't you talk to someone?"
"Be-because, ugh," he tried not to cry. "I'm…I'm the leader. If I show weakness—?"
"Oh, cram it. You know that's not true. If that's what you thought, it's your own twisted perception, don't put that on us."
"Okay, fine! Yeah, I didn't-didn't want to go. Or, I was afraid of what would happen if I did go and felt like I was in some twisted wrong! And—yeah, because I dealt with losing my mom and my leg without anyone but my dad, why should not-even-losing Merida make me go to someone twelve times as educated as I'll ever want to be?"
"Because you're having a hard time," Jack's voice quieted to a kind, easy tone. He shrugged blue-clad shoulders. "Because you're not sleeping right, or eating right and you don't have to struggle alone, if you don't want to. And they're unbiased, trained to give you an outside opinion. And, y'know! Like—a doctor!" He threw his hands up, "They've seen and heard everything. There's literally nothing you could say, beyond going full Hannibal Lector, that would scare them!"
Hiccup let out a sputtering panicked laugh, "What about dressing up like an idiot and dancing around in the middle of the night to fight against weird freaks as a weird freak?"
"Hey, pfft," he waved, "Typical Tuesday!"
"I just—!"
Movement down the hall caught their attention, Merida appearing with a bag over her left shoulder and a still-transformed Rapunzel hovering on her right, teary eyed and miserable as her hair flared and flailed around her.
"…Merida, please," Hiccup whispered, quiet, "Please, I didn't mean it, don't go, don't leave."
"Ye did mean it, though. Ye meant it more than ye have much of anythin' else lately. So, aye, I have no choice but to go."
"Merida—?"
"Hiccup, just…let's just leave this all be. I think it's for the best," Rapunzel cleared her throat and put on her most professional appearance, her hands clasped. "Merida has expressed her desire to go for some kind of sabbatical and I am in agreement that we all need a break from one another. Lest we all dissolve into…hysterics," she brushed away tears and Merida shook her head.
"I think we should—!"
"Hic, we should listen to Rapunzel. She is the one most qualified to offer council and she has all of our best interests in mind. So…Merida, please just keep us informed about your safety. I'll call in Elsa as backup in regards to missions."
"Sounds good," she clipped, "…I will'nae say where I'm headed."
"Just—!" Jack interrupted Hiccup, "Let us know you're safe. That's all that matters to us."
"Yeah," she sent Hiccup a strangely furious look, "Safety is paramount, it seems."
Her hair swung and danced like fire as she moved away and Hiccup reached, unable to help himself, and both Jack and Rapunzel stopped him.
"Let her go," they chorused, in sync.
"She'll probably go to Mulan's," Jack advised from one side.
"She needs some space to breathe and think, Hiccup," Rapunzel sighed.
"I…I didn't mean to," he whispered to them, even if he really wanted to tell her. "I didn't want her to ever know I even thought it."
"It's been sitting on you for some time," Jack patted his shoulder, "C'mon, my man, there we go—let's go put on Batman Begins and try to forget about the mess for a little while, okay?"
"I'll never forget," he choked a little, unable to stop as two hot tears rolled down his face, "I'll never forgive myself for ruining the team. I'm sorry, you guys, I'm so, so sorry…"
"Enough, enough," Rapunzel assured, "Nothing is ruined, nothing that's been done can't be undone. We're all just too emotional to think critically and need some time, that's all."
"Time heals all wounds," Jack countered, trying to look bright, "She'll come back to us. She loves us. She loves you. And it will be all right. C'mon, let's go sit. C'mon, c'mon."
They lead him away and he was torn, pulled back ever again to the figure that had left them.
(I don't want you to leave me.)
"Ah, sorry," Hiccup shuffled out of the line of the midmorning sun, "I, uh…"
"No worries," Elsa sent an easy smile over her shoulder as she washed dishes, "Breakfast is all gone, but there's still some pancake batter if you'd like to—?"
"No, no thank you," he shuffled to the fridge, taking another energy drink. He was amassing quite a collection of empty cans in his room. "I'm good."
She eyed him, his listlessness, his dark circles, his exhaustion. "Are you?"
Hiccup didn't mind Elsa, she was clever and quick. But she was cold and calculated and he always kind of felt he was forced to keep on his toes lest she rip everything out from underneath him. It didn't help when he felt so uneven, so out of place, unsure of himself at the moment.
"Yeah, so good!" He waved his drink, "What problems can't sugar and extreme amounts of caffeine can't help?"
"…Heartbreak, I think, for one," Elsa leaned against their newly polished island, "Not to pry. But…Jack, you know. He likes to talk."
He glowered, "Yeah, the fuck-ing—hmm," he grumped. "Yeah."
"…I'm kind of out of the picture," she tried, shrugging her shoulders, one arm of her pale blue sweater slipping to reveal the pale perfection of her skin. Hiccup wanted to look away from it, almost disgusted at its smoothness, like an egg, where Merida's was speckled and dotted and so obviously not the same. "I'm removed. If you'd like to speak on it, even just a little."
"You wouldn't understand," he snapped, defensive, hurting still. "You-you weren't there. You didn't see it. Experience it, hear it, feel it. The pain, the blood, the smell of burnt skin, charred bone. It was like—! Like losing my leg all over again, but worse."
"…No, I wasn't there," she looked away, "But I nearly killed my sister. Struck her in the chest with ice, froze her solid. I was able to save her, yes, but for a long time after I couldn't go anywhere near anyone…because my touch was negative forty-two and caused immediate necrosis. My touch was as damaging as fire, white hot. I hid away in the mountains until Jack found me, helped me, reminded me that humanity was as much a choice as being a monster."
"I feel like a monster," he admitted, "Because I hurt…someone I love very much."
She blinked away tears of her own, "I know that feeling quite well."
"And I can't take away that hurt. Not only because I caused it," he approached the island, leaning against it on his hands, "But because, in a way, I did mean it."
"You want her to quit?"
"No. But I don't want her to get hurt again."
She nodded, "I see."
"But then I hurt her—just in a different way."
"It happens sometimes. I hurt Anna physically once, then emotionally a thousand little times. Over and over, I pushed her away—hoping to keep her safe. Because, in the end, I felt incapable of doing so."
"…That might be so," he nodded, "I think…I know…that…if that blast hit me, it would have killed me. Almost immediately. Merida's curse, her magic, it sustains her, keeps her a lot stronger than most. Strength of ten men, she said. I know that, but I almost wish it was me."
"I know," she responded, her hand reaching out, hesitating, then grasping his wrist firmly. Proving her point, that she was in control, that she no longer hurt everything in her path. "But it wasn't. And maybe that's something Merida has considered too."
"…That it wasn't me?"
"That it could have been. And, as you well recognize, what it might have done to you."
"Merida's…never seemed scared. She's so…so strong."
"And I was always cold, distant," she insisted, "But some things aren't the whole truth. Merida is so strong, but that doesn't mean she's not scared. Maybe she felt that same fear, maybe she even feels somewhat the same. Maybe she thinks you ought to leave this all behind."
"Heh…go up north? Start a farm?"
"Maybe. But she didn't say it, you did. So…" she pulled away, "It's an ugly place to be, Hiccup. But the only thing that will help you is being open, honest, and, overall, calm. The both of you."
"I don't think we have anything between us anymore, just…empty promises, y'know?" He picked at the little tab on top of the can, popping it gently against the tin.
"You won't know until you finally come back together. Merida won't run forever. She's too, erm," her mouth screwed up in search of a word that wasn't offensive. Merida and Elsa had cracked horns plenty of times over nothing, but there was love there. "She's too confrontational to leave it all be."
"So I…wait?"
"Wait and think, decide, turn things over in your mind. Know what to say, so when she comes and asks why or when it started or if you meant it…you can answer her truthfully…"
"And if she doesn't like the truth?"
"Better than living with a lie, Hiccup," she moved away, "Trust me on that, at least."
She disappeared down the hall, most likely going to reconvene with Jack in his freezing cold room, and left Hiccup to his sorrows.
Putting his head in his hands, he begged for clarity.
(It didn't come.)
"C'mon," Hiccup ran with Merida side by side, "We need to get out of here before—!"
He didn't know how he didn't clock it. That was what he was good for—what his machines and scanners were meant to do, what he designed them for, what his computers and machines were programmed to accomplish. He didn't have magical powers like the others, he manufactured his power and abilities in his lab with pure determination and numbers, metal and kevlar and manmade materials.
Hiccup wished he had something else, though, in that moment.
He didn't remember the actual explosion—first he was on his feet and running and then suddenly he was half buried in rubble and his head was ringing in tune with his ears.
"Merida," there was blood in his mouth, but it was just a ragged cheek. He couldn't hear himself speak, only feel the reverberations in his skull of the thrumming of his vocal chords.
He had thought that the piercing noise was an alarm, but it was Merida screaming that was in his ears and his mind.
"Merida," he got a chunk of limestone from his leg, glad it wasn't broken, but there were three fingers on his right hand that were definitely snapped.
She was bent and twisted, screaming out in panic. In his mind, it was the same, but interspersed with words—cursing in a slew of languages and so much fear it choked him.
'Hiccup!' Rapunzel struggled to gain control, her own power overwhelmed with Merida's hurt. 'What's happened?!'
'Explosion,' he was able to blink some blood from his face, 'Merida caught the blast. Her…'
He crawled, gasping, finding her seared suit and half-mutilated body. Half her face and skull were burned to the bone, her lips and eyelid peeled back to reveal the bloody pink of the flesh beneath. It was her arm, however, that made him choke, the smell of burnt muscle and bone making him gag. Her panic faded as Rapunzel drowned her out, pushing her terrified mind from all of theirs and disconnecting her from their mental link. It almost made him twice as scared, not knowing what she was thinking.
"Shh, shh," he swore, "Rapunzel is coming, she'll—she'll heal you."
The limb was hanging on by just threads of burnt flesh, barely connected.
"ASTRID," he panted as he unsheathed the compact gel in his suit that would keep any more damage from occurring. "What happened?"
"I—I don't know, you're too far underground? It didn't register to our sensors—!"
"Deploy the League, get…get them here," he panted, pressing the highest dose of morphine that wouldn't kill her into her neck. 'Rapunzel! We need you! Hurry!'
'We're going as quick as we can! But we can't risk another one of us getting caught in something like that!' Jack reasoned.
'We're ten minutes out!'
'She won't make it that long…'
'Merida is stronger than us,' Rapunzel assured, 'Strength of ten men, remember?!'
Speaking of, the pale blue hum of her power began to slowly encompass her entire body. Little flames erupted around them both, dancing and twisting around them.
It didn't seem like they were helping, or healing her in any capacity. It appeared like a salute, a farewell, gratitude for her service under such hardship. They flickered, like a life force dwindling away, and Hiccup could feel his heart rate tripling in his chest.
"Hold on, Merida, hold on for me, okay? Sváss, sweetheart, keep your eyes open for me, I'm here, Rapunzel is coming, she'll be here, hold on, hold on…"
She gurgled, tears smearing at the smoke and gore on her face. "Hi…Hic…"
"Shh, shh," he choked on the smell of charred bone marrow, the same smell he remembered from the accident where he lost his leg, dredging up horrible memories. Bile filled his mouth and he swallowed it out of sheer terror.
With trembling hands, he reached across his suit for the electrodes he that were magnetically adhered to the fabric and built in for just such terrible occasions.
"ASTRID, monitor vitals."
"…It's not looking too good, Hiccup…"
The flames flickered, waving goodbye.
"Shit," he snarled, using a blade in his armor to cut open the chest of her kevlar. He attached the electrodes to the skin around her heart, just in case. "Hang on, śvass, hang on for me. You'll be all right, you will."
The muscles in her neck bulged with pain and he gasped, swallowing tears himself.
"Hic…Hiccu—?"
"Shh, shh, honey, just…just relax, I'm here, I am," he took her other hand with his unbroken one, refusing to look at her mostly-detached arm.
He'd make her a new one, he swore. Even better than flesh and blood.
Her fingers twitched against his. "Hiccup…I love…I love…I love ye…"
"Fuck, Merida," he kissed her charred mouth, "I love you, too."
"Be…be strong for me," she begged, quiet, "Be strong…as strong as ten men…"
"You're strong enough for the both of us, just relax. Rapunzel will come and she will heal you. Okay?"
Her eyes fluttered shut and he gasped her name again, ASTRID in his ear, "Heart rate dropping!"
"Defibrillate," he commanded, glad beyond words he didn't need to do the math and the computer could handle the voltage. "Keep her alive."
The shock was gentle, making her twitch, her ruined eyes rolling.
"Merida, please," he begged, "Stay with me, śvass, stay. Stay with me, forever and always."
"Hiccup, she's—!"
A portal opened from North's Snowglobes and out dropped Jack and Rapunzel, Bunnymund behind them. Rapunzel immediately began to wrap Merida up in her hair while Jack pulled him away to get a hold of the situation and calm him down.
"Flower gleam and glow, let your power shine—!"
He sagged in Jack's arms and passed out, letting the shadows take him.
The nightmares would come, but he could take them in his sleep.
"Hiccup! Get up!" ASTRID's sharp animated voice commanded and he groaned, rolling over to see the clock, barely recognizing the numbers beyond the flashing emergency lights. "Armed robbery in progress. Move!"
He was up and slipping into his suit, strapping armor down and his glaring helmet across his face.
"What do we have?!" He called as he sped into the main hall, Jack already tapping across the keyboard.
"Chemical lab," Jack hollered over his shoulder, his blue striking against the white of Elsa's costume. "Big operation, got a bunch of hostages. Looks like it's going to be ugly if we don't get it all under control quick."
"Who's behind it?"
Sighing, Jack tapped furiously at the keyboard to show a closeup of the uniforms, revealing the flashing bright azure of three claw marks across their breasts.
"Mor'Du."
Rapunzel sucked her teeth, "Do we—?"
"We are not to concern ourselves with members of the team that are not…active," Hiccup swallowed, "Personal vendettas aside. Frost, Glacier—bring the storm, freezing the place will hopefully stall chemical reactions if things go sideways. Lantern, you're on hostage duty, get in and them out but stay safe. Any wounds, you heal them but don't tire out the stone.
"If…others appear, do not let it affect the mission, which is to make sure that whatever Mor'Du wants, he will not get," he said mainly for himself, glad his face was mainly covered. "At the end of the day, we protect the innocent and ourselves. As soon as we reach the site, Lantern, establish a link. Let's move."
They nodded, leaping into action. Lantern was able to use her light abilities, shifting between space, Jack flying with the aid of the wind, Elsa on the back of a summoned ice horse of myth. Hiccup felt somewhat silly on his SKRILL, but as he danced between cars and through streets, he at least had a moment to think as his comrades shone from above the rooftops.
He refused to admit if he was looking for another figure, too quick to be human, too silent to be right.
The police had formed tightly around the area, having already been attacked. There were gun holes across their cars, one on fire that immediately Frost handled with a sharp blast of ice.
Nighfury immediately went to the Lieutenant, "Officer, we're here to help."
"Finally, took you all long enough," he snapped, bristled, "I've got two with holes in them, if Lantern could help—?"
"On it," he motioned, 'Lantern, we've got injured.'
'Leave it to me.'
"Get everyone back. These are dangerous men with surely a way to escape and a lot of dangerous materials inside. We're going to freeze this place as cold as we can get it, so I suggest you all get some distance away. We'll need you to escort them to jail, but otherwise I would ask you to stay out of the line of fire."
"It's our job to be in the line of fire, son," the man gruffed, "We won't hide but we will retreat some distance away."
"Thank you," he pressed a button and his mask lit up to reveal the bodies moving within, 'Frost, Glacier—I'm going in. Once I'm inside, freeze this place."
'On your own? No way!' He could hear Jack's aggravation.
'It's easier for one of us, I can get in and have ASTRID hack the—?'
'I must get in, too, to help any of the hostages,' Rapunzel assured, 'No one is going alone anywhere.'
Hiccup didn't like it, but she was right. The temperature immediately began to plummet and his suit adjusted to the freezing cold automatically.
"ASTRID, map the compound."
"Done. Sending digitized plans to the team."
"How many inside?" His helm lit up and buzzed as he crawled the through specs, "I'm counting about thirty."
"Thirty-two," ASTRID quipped in his ear, "Two entrances above that are fairly clean, I'd say head that way."
'Hear that?'
'I'm in,' Elsa assured, and Hiccup could see her form, incredibly cold, already begin to start moving.
'Right behind you,' Hiccup unleashed his flight suit, zipping up to the same window and slipping within, making Elsa pause and frown.
'I don't need a babysitter,' she was aggravated.
'No,' he approached the other side of the doorframe, peeking around to see it empty, 'But the point of a team is numbers. Plus, my suit can give us insight into where everyone is and needs to go.'
She frowned, but nodded.
'Hostages?' Rapunzel reminded him.
'Ground floor.' His screen blinked, shifting again to reveal the floor plan. 'You'll have to wait a bit, just until we take out a few of these guys out of the fight. The ground floor seems to be where most are collecting.'
'And the rest?' Jack asked.
'Below. I'm betting there's a secret route out of here, or else they'd be bringing things above to have them airlifted.'
"ASTRID," Hiccup whispered, "Bring up the specs again. Find me a way out of here that's underground."
She moved him, showing the tunnels that were most likely for sewage and drainage.
"They're collecting by the door," ASTRID commented, "They have explosives."
"Find what they're taking," he commanded lowly, keeping an eye on the hallway. Elsa twitched in want to move.
"They're collecting a corrosive chemical, hydrofluoric acid."
'Hydrofluoric acid is hydrogen fluoride mixed with water and is extremely dangerous. It has fumes that can damage the lungs and is so toxic it was used in chemical warfare—I'm pretty sure it's only used in mining industries, used to process metals, rocks, and oil. It'll react with pretty much anything it touches, save certain types of plastics—!'
'Holy shit, that's the stuff from Breaking Bad, right?!' Jack all but shouted in his mind, Elsa also wincing.
'…If we're relying on popular media, yes, Jack, it's the acid used in the show to dissolve peoples' corpses.'
Awkward silence gave Hiccup a moment to breathe, 'This stuff is highly caustic, it will eat through skin and through all of our uniforms…or at least the ones I made. Magical outfits—you got me.'
"Anything else, ASTRID?"
"Mainly gallons of acidic components, but also it appears they are carrying general haz-mat suits, and processing equipment."
'Here's the plan—!'
Elsa yelped when an explosion racked the whole place and sent them to cursing, running from their places to peer below to the main hall.
"Merida," he whispered, seeing her brilliant flash of turquoise magic.
"Mor'Du!" Her voice screamed, sending her claws through a man's throat, "Show yer face, ye cowardly monster!"
On her back was a new katana, the red tassel a marker of Mulan's craftsmanship, and at her hip he saw her magnetic bow. She was strapped the nines with weapons and ammo and came to fight and even die.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he hissed, 'Okay, new plan!'
It was a step away from disastrous, but he couldn't stop the shaking of his limbs as he stood at her back once again. Thanks to Jack and Elsa's ice, his own deployable Terrors, and some luck, none of them were shot with any bullets. Merida's control always slipped a little in regards to her arch enemy, but she had obviously killed several of the men that had attempted to attack them.
"The council will have to be involved," Jack whispered, detaining others with his ice, "Killing is usually…"
"She's not part of the team actively," Hiccup sighed, "I don't know if that makes it worse or better."
"…That could return her to villain status."
As quick as she had appeared, she had disappeared.
"…I…"
"We'll follow your lead, Hic. Do what you think is right."
When asked, he would lie—she had come in alone, unaided, and was prepared to harm others to save herself. She had come without orders, because of leave and thought that they would not have heard in time. He would lie and he would protect her, because there are still some things he could do to help her, even if she did not want him to.
He would always help her, no matter what it cost him.
The hours of cleanup were always the worst, dealing with paperwork, the council, the city. All that was and the many pieces of the world they lived in.
Afterwards, when the night had retreated and the sun rose, rosy and promising on the horizon, peeking through the many buildings, Nightfury stood on an opposite high rise and stared at the smoking carnage of the plant below.
"You're losing your touch…" he commented to the figure behind him, "Or I know you too well."
"I like to think we're bonded, ye and myself," she responded easily. "It's how I ken so much and how ye always sort of know where I am."
"…I didn't know where you were, where you went."
"Ye never asked?"
"I told Rapunzel and Jack not to tell me."
"…Can I ask ye why?"
"I…I didn't want to impose myself on you. I wanted to go to you a thousand times, a thousand apologies, explanations, promises. But…I know that you needed time away. Time away from me."
"I did," she came and stood next to him. "I needed to think. About what I wanted, what I was. What I could give up and what I couldn't."
"I would never ask you to give yourself up, the parts of you that matter. I love you. I love you as Artemis. You—you see every inch of me, as Hiccup and Henryk and Nightfury too. You…you know everything about me and I know everything about you. You're…the closest thing to me."
His fingers reached out, gracing hers and she clasped him tightly, fearlessly, bravely.
Breathing shakily, he squeezed just for the pleasure of her squeezing back.
"I love you," he whispered. "And I'm sorry."
"But ye meant it."
"Only in…in the moment…?"
"Oh, aye?" She tipped a brow.
"I…I know it sounds stupid, Mer, but…the first time it came to me, after what happened…I was so disgusted with myself. I hated myself. I hate it now, still, even in this moment. So I refused to think it again, but it kept coming back. It kept eating at me, devouring me, piece by piece. I kept hoping it would leave, it would go. But it didn't."
She was silent, consuming him alive with her too-bright eyes.
"It kept coming back. I wanted to let it go. I did. I'm sorry."
"I do'nae blame ye, after what happened…It was a hard night."
He closed his eyes, her screams in his ears, in his throat, in all their minds. "It was one of the worst nights of my life."
"Really?" She tried to sound light, "Does'nae even make my top ten."
He scoffed, "It was worse than losing my leg…"
Merida winced, "I…I hope that's just hyperbole."
"I don't think it is."
"But I'm fine!" She tried, pulling on him, "I'm well! Ye can'nae let what could have happened ruin what could happen still!"
"I know that."
"I could die, but so could ye. And we know that and we have to acknowledge it, but that doesn't have to destroy what we are."
"I know that, too. I don't want us to end. I don't want our…relationship to end."
"Neither do I."
"But…"
"But?"
"There will come a day," he whispered, "When the option is there. To retire, to have it end. And…and I want us to take it, the both of us. I want us to have a life one day, without masks. I want to live by the ocean, somewhere warm, with-with a thousand tourists every season! And a little picket fence. I want to grow—bell peppers and cucumbers in a garden!"
She laughed and he felt himself blush a little at his outburst.
"I could pick up a new hobby, beyond archery and sword play. Maybe teach horse back riding to kids, take them out on trails, along the strand."
"We wouldn't have to fight anymore."
"My curse would be gone."
"Our lives would be normal."
"I always thought normal denotes a lack of courage," she teased, "But…maybe, for us, this is normal. And…that quiet, that peace…that's abnormal."
"I like that. I want that with you."
"But…we can't have it right now."
"No, not right now."
"But…maybe, in the future?"
"Yeah? You'd commit to a boring cottage by the sea for me?"
"With ye…everyday is a gift."
The sun rose, a new day dawning bright and gold and promising.
"Come home with me?" He asked, into the piercing silence.
"I thought ye'd never ask."
She grinned like the dawn, all at once bringing light and warmth to him.
(He basked.)