Chapter 2: Job Success, My Winning Streak Just Won't End
Part 1
All of us stare awkwardly at each other from Aqua's tantrum, oh no. Has Aqua ruined my only chance of becoming more than a Homeless-Neet, is my future really having this cretin suck away at my life force? No, I, Satou Kazuma won't allow it.
I grab Aqua's empty air-filled head after her stupid fit; which rivalled the most fierce of toddlers. And force the prideful goddess to kneel. It's surprisingly easy, ya know, considering she's a god and all. I guess she's only a deity of sinks and party tricks, how pitiful.
"Stop Kazuma; I will smite you, Filthy-Neet! I'm a godde-mhmhhm." I place my entire hand over her mouth; silencing her, from getting us killed. Not only has she screwed up our job chances. But now she wants to reveal her divinity to some hell-spawn? Is she retarded? I'm still paranoid about that angel chick, and she wants more problems, Does she hate me that much?
"excuse me, this is very unprofessional." our; could be future employer looks at us with a serious expression.
"Please accept our heartfelt apologies. It's just that this woman is prone to her demented delusions, and the only way to keep her from going too far is restraining her until she becomes sedated." While kneeling alongside the blue-degenerate, I apologise to the disguised demon.
Aqua screams through my hand, "thasht's notsh trush, I'msh notsh shorry ish dont'sh conshent!" What is there to consent about?
"Don't say 'consent' in this scenario! people will get the wrong idea. I'm not that kind of guy, I'm a moral and upright citizen who has helped many old ladies cross the street expecting nothing in return. I also visit homeless shelters most days to help out. REAL PRIME EMPLOYEE MATERIAL STUFF! And I would never stoop so low as to do anything thing to you, you fat, ugly, unattractive, useless girl!"
Of course, the homeless shelter bit is because I'm homeless myself and need to eat, and by 'helping out' I stop Aqua from harassing our fellow bums, she even tried to steal food from a baby, not just any baby, a homeless baby, what a terrifying woman.
and the old lady part is stretched, just a tiny amount. That old bitch didn't deserve her grocery shopping. She insulted Aqua; said she looked like a prostitute, not that I don't agree, but I didn't want to been seen as her pimp! That would wreck any job chances permanently, and my reputation. So I ran away with her stuff in justified retaliation; the hag chasing me down the street, so I technically helped her cross the road, aren't I just a great guy.
While I'm mentally complimenting myself, Aqua responds, she spits on my poor fingers, snot and tears soon join, no amount of sanitiser can fix this.
Ew, I hastily bring my hand away from the rabid creature, disgusting. Various spit like fluids; coat my palm from her bawling.
The woman clears her throat; hand coming over her mouth, oh shit, this is a job interview, I forgot due to the useless goddess.
Aqua in acknowledgement, stops with her deranged crying, completely switching around from sad to oblivious, she lets out a dramatic gasp, something tells me she misread the room.
"Eh, do you have a cold? well, I could help. But as if I, the holy Aqua, would offer any to you or your deranged spec-."
"LALALALAALALALALA!" I start to scream over the idiot. Is she still mad about the box scenario or is there an error in her brain?
The girl's expression turns sharp and strict from our rancid display to my grief.
"I don't think you two are taking this very seriously. Kuoh-Academy is highly prestigious, and it expects the best from its students and staff. I suggest you both get your acts together."
"I'm really sorry, please give us another chance! w-we need this, please." I'm practically begging at this point, the joke of a goddess just looks dazed; her head completely empty. Did going 'LALALALA!' fry her brain, is this goddess now clinically braindead, am I really that lucky?
Our interviewer's eyes roam over me then snap at Aqua; She almost squeaks in fright. Where is that assertiveness the worthless goddess was showing earlier?
"You are both forgiven. The two of you seem very young for this position; not that it matters, but how about your own school, would they allow it?"
"Huh? Kazuma is a Dirty-Neet, he ditched school to jerk off and pla-." Nows, not the time.
I elbow the deranged-lying-slut in the ribs, her folding after my strength, isn't she supposed to have 'maxed' endurance or whatever, how did she give so easily?
"Oops, my arm slipped~. If I may miss, we're currently not in any educational system, due to... personal reasons." I put on a fake smile and bow, really giving off the gentleman vibe.
She looks at both of us in sympathy. I think she's got the wrong idea.
"Sorry if I intruded on anything personal. hm, how about this? I'm willing to put you two in for a trial run, if things go well, we'll see about the position."
"Yes! thank you. We're both very grateful." I suck up to a literal demon, I can't let Aqua ruin this, I can already see the damage she may cause; "Hm? sorry Kazuma, I accidentally set the school on fire. Oh well, I can just put it out, I am the goddess of water, after all, let's see here. AHHH! KAZUMA, I'M DROWNING AND BURNING! SAVE ME!"
"You haven't got the position yet, save your gratefulness until then. You can start tomorrow."
Just when I think the anxiety-ridden conversation is over, our new employer signals for us to listen, what now? has she changed her mind, has she maybe figured out Aqua's true identity.
"By the way, I almost forgot, but I'm Sona... and Aqua, your cosplay is very good"
Even though it wasn't anything serious I can't help but feel disgusted, when Aqua is praised it's like an impulse to bully her is activated, am I a secret sadist? No, this goddess is just so unlikable that seeing her in any amount of pain is a good deed, not just for me, but all humanity.
Something incredibly disturbing happens from Sona's comment. Aqua blushes a bright red while rubbing the back of her head bashfully. Wasn't she trying to 'smite' her only moments ago? this goddess is really easy.
"I see, I see, you have very excellent eyes. I am rather astounding and elegant, so don't feel jealous of me. I was just born this perfect, okay? If only the Blind-Neet could see it too."
"All she did was compliment your shitty outfit, where the hell is she getting 'elegant' and 'astounding' from? Delusional woman." I whisper to myself, I notice Aqua twitch at my remark, but she overall ignores me; you can hide in your ignorance lady, while walling in your own low IQ, but it doesn't, I repeat doesn't make it any less true.
You know what, I've had it! I'm just gonna ignore the blob of ego and leave, otherwise, our routine won't end and it can go on for a long time. Also, I can tell Sona's patience is at its end, so let's leave before we lose our possible jobs.
I give a halfhearted wave, and Aqua and I split the academy; me having to drag her, she kept begging for more compliments it was a pitiful sight, much like a dog; if you give her too much of something she won't stop pestering you for it. She squealed from my grip, is this what having a toddler is like?
Part 2
Honestly, at first, I had no idea what that job was. If it had been a teaching position I would have been screwed, but my luck does shine through on occasions. That must be how we, despite all odds have been given this chance. I just hope Aqua can keep her rabid deranged tendencies to herself.
Okay, it's time.
Both Aqua and I are currently dressed in grey jumpsuits, they look ridiculous, but for some reason, this prideful goddess seems pleased with our new attire. Does she think being a janitor is an honour or something?
"Aqua, that suits you a lot. It really befits a goddess of your calibre," I point to her uniform and give off a sarcastic insult.
"Why thank you Kazuma." She takes it as a compliment.
"Okay, listen, we need this job; more than anything, so please, please ignore all demons or whatever. At least for now, understand?" The only way I could be any more clear would be to beg her, and the last time I did that I died both physically from a light spear and mentally from Aqua's stupidity and the realisation she can revive me at any time. Will this torture ever end?
Her answer is a thumbs up and a smug grin, "Right, Kazuma." I don't feel much confidence, from her reply.
Stare,
"Kazuma what's with that look? yo-you believe me, right? It's not like I would mess up or anything, I am a goddess, ya know."
Stare,
"Yes, let's begin."
"So you're finally; yet again seeing how great I am, well, you have been dropping a lot of hi-... Wai-wait, what was that yes to Kazuma? Kazuma, Kazuma!"
I ignore her and walk towards our first objective, the school's hall. No students are here yet. We start early, which is a good thing. Aqua's retardation would most likely get us fired, with a long lawsuit against us from some mentally scarred student.
Hmmm? how should we start?
"First, we, uh? fix th-, no, no. We, hm? clean the floor, yes, clean the floor, okay; Aqua your up."
her face turns into a smug mess, she proudly puffs out her chest; nodding along.
"Of course, of course. Now, behold my divinity. Purification!"
Soon after those words come out, the entire empty hall is enveloped in intense light; the area soon becomes squeaky clean, I think it's even shining, like one of those horrible commercials.
"Nice job." I give Aqua a thumbs up, for her rare useful display, which she returns. If she keeps this up maybe I will stop with the worthless comments... Nah, If she does this for all rooms we can be over fast, but I know her rotten personality; "Eh? Kazuma your pay, well, I did all the work so it's all mine, get your own, Filthy-Neet." It's better if I do some work too.
So, we split, I with a mop and Aqua with magic.
Part 3
After a few hours of strenuous labour, students soon start to flood in, I avoid all of them. It's bad enough I have to deal with Aqua. Human interaction is horrible, especially 'teenagers', I don't care about what should be considered 'socially acceptable' or not, so let me call a bitch, a bitch to her face. Don't give me some unjustified reason I can't, and then expel me.
Right, now I'm finishing up my venture, I'm cleaning just outside the girls changing rooms, well, I could get a peek but I'm not some braindead retard. I will get fired, and I will not let Aqua be the sensible individual in our toxic 'partnership'.
"Oh man, this is a high-quality view, my guy,"
"Dude, get out the way, I gotta see."
"The early bird gets the worm, you'll just have to wait this one out; Issei."
Ahh, what a youthful sight. A trio of perverts are spying in on the unsuspecting girls, right out the door; amateurs.
Well, I could give them a bit of guidance.
"You know, that's not the way of going about it. You're gonna get caught," I keep my tone neutral, and eyes impassive; really going for the wise, mysterious mentor angle.
"Eh, what do you know you're just the janitor." The bald one, with ginormous ears, provides an uninterested reply.
"Wait, ja-janitor, shit, man, don't turn us in, come on, you gotta help a bro out." The same kid seems to process who I am, going completely back on his remark concerning me, and grovelling at my feet. This power feels way too addicting, no wonder so many teachers become megalomaniacs.
The rest of them turn around; looking at me, much like a puppy begging for food, their expressions filled with guilty hope. I could blackmail them, I COULD OWN THEM! But I'm a good guy, a great guy in fact; thus I'm gonna stick to my goal and help these students out, in the pursuit of porn.
"Mhm~, you got the wrong idea, all I wanna do is give some advice." I'm finally gonna fill that position of mentor I always wanted, I can already hear their gratefulness, I might even get the popular phase I deserve.
"The hell you talking about, you look younger than us, have you ever even seen a real-life boob?" A guy on the very border of pretty-boy insults me. His deep brown eyes match his hair. While his tomato-red shirt makes him stand out, compared to other students, stand out like an idiot! Heh, got him.
"You punk! I took the precious time outta my busy day, to offer some much-needed help to you perverted degenerates. So the least you could offer is some common decency."
"Perverted degenerates? Hell yeah, we are! I've watched all hentai known to man, and you think your advice will be needed?"
"Hey, you two keep it down. As much as I don't mind getting beat by girls my physical health can only take so much. I can not take another hospital trip." The glasses-wearing one of the trio tries to play peacekeeper, while also disclosing to us his disgusting masochistic tendencies.
I think I messed up, these twisted personalities are way too horney. I thought they were doing this for a quick peek, but now I'm starting to think differently. If I stay with these people I can kiss my reputation goodbye.
"KAZUMA, KAZUMA! I NEED YOU!" Yes, a scapegoat.
"Yes, I'm Kazuma," I respond without thinking.
Aqua soon follows up from her voice; turning around the corner at us.
"Ugggggggh!"
"Ahhhu~!"
"EHHHHH!"
Di-did blood just explode out of these guys faces like an ecchi-anime? And of-over Aqua of all people? I thought these students had a normal amount of pervert in them! Stealing panties and the like, this is way too much.
"Aq-Aqua great to see you, yes, L-let's leave."
"Kazuma you look pail, and guilty are you okay? And there's blood all over those students. Huuuu, Kazuma! you can't go beating up kids, we're gonna get fired. Why do I always have to be the responsible one."
Why is she so perceptive on my appearance now! And is she really so delusional she sees herself as the mature one?
"So Kazuma's your name, YOU SNEAKY BASTARD! Trying to get in good with us when you have a babe that hot."
"No way in hell, I would neve..."
Wait, I have an idea, a disgusting impure idea but I'm just petty enough to do it. I'm gonna use the goddess as a final screw-you to these deviants. But can I really suck up my pride to pretend she's my girlfriend, am I really scummy enough to do that?
I put an arm over Aqua's shoulder and hold back an enormous puke.
"Well, see you, morons, later. My g-girlfriend and I here gotta go."
I'm in hell, a watery dank hell.
"Oi, Nee-."
Yet again I find my palm covering the useless goddess's face.
"Yo, dude, I can clearly see you forcing her from speaking." How did he know, is it his elephant-sized ears? or is it because I'm blatantly grabbing Aqua in front of them?
"Blah, blah, blah. Ya know, I was gonna give advice, I was gonna spill my guts out to you. But like I would now. Because of your braindead friend, I'm deeply hurt' emotionally, it's gonna scar. Maybe if you guys offer some cash, things may go a little differently."
"Mhhhmh." Aqua is thrashing about in my grip, but I'm stronger than fl*x-tape. Oi! I'm gonna scam these people, and they have personalities I won't feel bad about manipulating, so become useful and play along.
"I know darling, we're such a happy couple, it brings a tear of joy to my eye for our young love to blossom so much."
"MHHHHMHHH!"
"I've got a couple of yen here, will that be enough?" Naturally, glasses appears to take my humble offer.
"Oi, Motohama you're just getting scammed by this kid."
"N-no you're no-,"
I'm cut off by the girls changing room slamming open.
The female students soon start to pour out, then their eyes lock on me, they look very menacing.
"Huuu, OH MY GOD! what are these perverts doing here? watching those poor girls get changed. It's my duty as a janitor to stop miscreants, I'm gonna go call staff straight away! Come now, Aqua."
"You dic-." The entire group is punted by the enraged estrogen filled crowd, as I make my getaway, Aqua still in my hold.
Part 4
"Trash."
"I said it was for a charitable cause! I was gonna donate their money to an orphanage or something, I promise, on my Neet-Heart. Anyway, what did you need me for? Did you flood the toilets, maybe cause multiple manslaughters, with you it could be literally anything."
The worthless goddess adverts her now shifty eyes; fingertips coming together in a guilty gesture.
"Ab-about that toilet part, Kazuma."
"What? You drop your panties down there or something?"
"We-well, not exactly. I may of... a little bit used divine magic in them."
"So?"
"T-the thing is, divine magic apparently isn't supposed to be used in toilets and it ma-maybe... sorta flooded?"
"Flooded." My stare is blank as I search for the meaning behind these cruel words.
"Flooded." She replies.
"Did anyone see you go in?"
"N-no, why?"
"This never happened." The guilt is real, but the hope of getting off the streets is more.
"Kazuma, w-we should tell them."
"You can tell them it was your fault, I'm gonna get away free since my involvement was zero, nonexistent, did not happen. Do you really wanna rely on a Shitty-Neet like me for income?" I give a statement filled with zero emotion and pride while I leer at the goddess.
She deflates as this and eventually shakes her head along in shameful agreement.
After a few minutes of talking, we decide to leave.
We make our way for a lunch break; heads turned down in disgrace.
"You flooded the toilets, didn't you."
I hear the cold voice of Sona behind me, and my heart has severe palpitations.
"Yuuma, you were the last person seen walking in there. I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me."
"Wait, it wasn't me, you've got the wrong person!"
For a second I feel relieved, while some innocent student is dragged away. But my heart palpitations increase tenfold, the guilt becoming a little too much.
"he-hey neet, let's go. uh? cook the courtyard no-now." Aqua almost has a good idea but it comes out as complete nonsense.
Part 5
"Kazuma, that girl Yuuma, she's a demon."
I take one bite from a shitty sandwich; overlooking the field of grass. It stretches pretty far. She must be so guilty about letting that girl take the fall, that she's making up some narrative about her being 'evil', she must learn her actions have consequences.
"Most the school is. Why would it matter if one more is added?"
"She felt more? menacing, like she had something to hide. I'm gonna keep an eye on her."
"Eh? That sounds like a convenient shitty reason to me. What can you 'sense' the evil in someone now? Next, are you gonna start scamming families out of their money to seance their dead relatives?
Aqua suddenly starts sniffing me, I try and pull away from the deranged dog girl.
"Yep, I smell a lot of evil on you Neet; Not the murder kind, more the; I spy on women in public toilets kind."
"That is completely false! You can continue to make up mean nonsense about me, but perhaps you should take a gander at an x-ray and take a long look at your own heartless shell of a body, evil-goddess."
I begin wrestling Aqua, she's gotta learn who's in charge, me, I'm the captain of this vessel.
"Get off, HELP SEXUAL ASSAULT, A NEET WITH NO REMORSE IS SEXUALLY ASSAULTING ME! HIS DISGUSTING UNWASHED HANDS ARE TAINTING MY PERFECT BODY!"
Thankfully no student's notice her obnoxious deranged untrue screaming, otherwise, I really might serve unjustified jail time.
"wa-wait... Hey, Kazuma, that girl, she's asking out someone, look."
I turn to where Aqua is pointing and I see that annoying Issei guy. N-no way, the useless goddess must be right, no human woman would ask that ratbag out.
"So, I was wonderi-... wondering, i-if maybe yo-you wanted t-to go out with m-me." My bullshit detector is going off fast, do they even know each other? This isn't some anime where the girl instantly falls in love with the guy.
Huh, Issei looks shocked and goes blank. Simp, if a girl asks you out, don't just stand there acting confused, you take the opportunity to begin your popular phase.
Part 6
So that leads to my current circumstance, Aqua and I have started a stakeout, well more like spying but that doesn't sound as cool; more creepy, which I'm labelled enough with my Neet status, sometimes being a gamer is hard. We've been observing the so-called couple for a long while. Now we are currently overlooking them in a park; its large, trees obscure some of the landscape.
It must be the guilt compelling me toward wanting her to be a mass-murdering psycho, normally I wouldn't agree to this but Aqua was very insistent.
The goddess is loudly eating potato chips, besides me. She sounds like a horse, this was her shitty idea and yet she's making so much noise. Is her thought process; well, if I get caught at least I can bring the Filthy-Neet with me?
At this point, I'm so desensitised from these past few horrid days that when at all of once Yuuma, strips down, almost completely naked, in a bullshit magical girl scene, I couldn't bring myself to care. I'm getting the same vibe Kalawarna expelled. The pervert is for sure in danger.
My hunch proves correct when she heaves a similar light spear Kalawarna used, right at Issei.
Now I wish I could say I heroically saved him, or that Aqua sprang into action using her godly powers but that would be false, blood and guts fly everywhere as the poor kid is penetrated in his stomach.
"Eh? I-it's that kid's fa-fault let's just leave him, I-I mean i-it's just the natural circle of life, I-I'm not a bad guy, r-right?" I say, but why do I feel guilt?
"How could you Evil-Neet?! I gue-guess if you don't want to go, I also have to begrudgingly leave him there."
Ahh, she's just as cowardly as I am.
We stay hidden away while the demon circles the now fresh corpse like a vulture... before she makes a sudden exit. Wh-what was the point of killing the kid, shouldn't a demon eat him o-or something?
"Aqua is she still there, hiding?"
"No, maybe she's gone to the local human-demon meat butcher or something?"
Does that exist? Shit, due to my own golden heart I can't just leave him, why do I have to be such a great guy?
I make my heroic venture out of my safe hiding place, annoying goddess behind me; I make my way towards the pile of human flesh, it's been completely eviscerated. I'm on the verge of puking, this is way too real! If this is what killing the demon king guy entails then I quit, I don't want to be some Neet-Meat for a hungry succubus to munch on!
"Aq-Aqua use your 'godly' healing on this pile of corse."
"K," K? This isn't a fucking text message, I interact with this parasite daily and through it all, her small mind can only reply with lazy inadequate text, truly saddening.
"Resurrection! Resurrection! Resurrection! Re-, wh-what, Kazuma so-somethings pulling me in. HELP! I'm being sucked into a perverted corpse! IT"S ENGULFING ME IN, HE-HELP, KAZUMA-SAMA!"
A truly horrific site takes place; it makes my blood run cold, a red almost sinister hue, begins permitting the body and starts sucking in Aqua much like quicksand.
I furiously start pulling at the useless goddess, to try and save her.
"ARE YOU REALLY SO WORTHLESS THAT YOUR ONLY USEFUL TALENT; HEALING, STARTS TURNING YOUR OWN PATIENTS INTO AN ELDERICH ABOMINATION?!"
"THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, NEET!"
My legs are squared while Aqua is arm deep, in the corpse's red whole. I pull with all my Neet-Might.
"Aq-Aqua just keep casting."
"Resurrection! Resurrection! Resurrection! Resurrection! Nature's Beauty! Resurrection."
After the twentieth or so resurrection, I start to feel an indescribable energy crawl up my left arm, it burns with great intensity, but yet I feel no pain. While this occurs the corpse's red hell hole, starts fluctuating and contracting; as the damage is slowly undone from the body.
"Issei should be around here, it's where he was brought. I've been saving this piece for someone like him. I doubt they took his body, stray are not known for their smarts."
My good luck yet again fails me, I hear the noise of someone very close by; THIS IS NOT GOOD! What they're saying is very foreboding!
I can't just leave this guy here. I need something, any kind of getaway, I would steal an old man's car at this point.
"Kazuma, I can confirm that those awful voices belong to the frauds at that wicked school."
Aqua tells me something important but doesn't elaborate up with a plan, how unhelpful.
Well, time to try anything. So I start dragging at the now revived student, my face reddens with the effort.
This is too heavy! Can't I unlock some mystical bullshit power now? Please, if any real gods are listening.
While I'm having a massive panic attack, that same energy I felt early doubles and suddenly the pervert is much easier to carry.
A lot easier, I hold the body in one arm with zero effort, after the initial shock, I start to run in a random direction; the goddess tagging along.
"Huh, Neet, were you always so strong?"
"Yep, my entire life, now be useful and tell me the location of the nearest hospital."
"Eh? Why would I know."
So we searched, asking directions from random passer-Byers, with a body, unconscious dragging along behind me; making me look very suspicious. We eventually find one and I ditch the pervert outside. My paranoia at an all-time high, while I keep an eye out for the school.
"Oh, no, Kazuma something terrible has happened!"
"Wh-what?"
"I left my potato chips, be-BEHIND, WAHHHHH!"
I wanted elves, dwarfs and other fantasy beings, yet I've got a shitty goddess, in a slice of life, school setting, supernatural shitting cluster-fuck!
Part 7
Our first day was a 'success' and so is our second; fourth, then the month; and now we're in a shitty apartment with the saved minimum income.
Furthermore, I finally have my OP anime-power; this dragon gauntlet thingy and all I had to do was steal it from a still-warm corpse.
If only the idiot would stop spending all the money!
"Kazuma, what do you think of these novelty glasses, I picked them up at Wiz's joke shop, pretty great, right?"
The so-called goddess states, her face has the regretful shitty joke glasses on.
"Stop spending our needed income on crap. Do you thrive while making my life terrible? Are you a form of retribution for being greedy and picking a god? huh, answer me, you worthless goddess!"
"Ow, stop with the cheek pinching Kazuma! You're gonna break my well-spent glasses."
"You're right I am!" I attempt to snatch the waste of money from her face.
"NO! I already named them, leave Dave alone, murderer!"
"Just because your only friends are inanimate objects doesn't mean if I break it, it counts as murder, idiot!"