1990
Travis was playing with his action figure when his parents approached him, holding a small bundle. He lowered his toy, a Batman complete with the Batmobile, and looked at them hopefully. They looked happy but tired, his mother's blonde hair tucked behind her ears and stringy looking while his father's brown hair was sticking up in places.
"Do I have a brother?" he asked. At age six and a half, he didn't really fully understand where babies came from. His father was vague about it whenever he asked.
"Yes, sweetheart," his mother said, smiling at him. "You have a little brother."
Travis puffed out his chest, proud. He went closer as she sat down and leaned in. His brother's eyes were closed; he was sleeping. Travis dared to rest a finger on his brother's little hand. He marveled at how small it was. Had he been this small once? He must have been. His brain had started to think about things that he'd never thought of before. Sometimes it gave him a headache.
"This is William," she said to him. "Billy for short."
"Hi, Billy," Travis said, smiling at his brother. His father rested a hand on his shoulder fondly while his mother met his eyes.
"You're his older brother, Travis," she said. "You gotta look out for him, okay? Promise?"
"I promise," Travis said solemnly. He took this kind of thing very seriously. He looked at Billy and knew that he'd do anything for him.
...
The first few nights after Billy was brought home from the hospital (Travis knew that's where babies came from for sure since he'd heard people say it before...also something about a mummy's tummy, whatever that meant), Travis crept into his brother's room and watched him sleep. He was worried that something would happen to Billy if he wasn't on guard. The family dog obviously thought the same thing since he was always sleeping next to the crib too. The dog, Buster, thumped his tail in a friendly way when Travis sat on the floor beside him. He rested one hand on Buster's head and his other on the crib, fingers wrapped around the wooden bar. Billy never stirred.
"Who are you gonna look like when you grow up?" he asked quietly. "I hope you look like me. I hope we're best friends. I hope you like baseball." Travis loved baseball. He had posters on his walls of his favorite players.
Billy gave a slight sigh, and Travis tensed. Was he all right? He peered through the slats of the crib bars and stared at his baby brother's stomach. For a moment, it didn't move. Travis waited. It still didn't move, and he was about to scream for his mother when Billy inhaled sharply, his chest rising again. Travis felt a bit scared. Why had his brother stopped breathing?
The bedroom door flew open, and his mother was there, coming towards the crib. The baby monitor was in her hand. She stopped and leaned over Billy, breathing a sigh of relief.
"You scared me, buddy," she murmured, touching Billy's face gently. Then she noticed Travis and jumped in fright.
"Hi, Mummy," Travis said cheerily.
"Travis!" she whisper-yelled. "What are you doing?!"
"I was watching him..."
"You need to be in bed, mister."
"But he stopped breathing," Travis said, redirecting the conversation to Billy.
"I know, sweetheart. Sometimes babies have sleep apnea. He's okay. I have the monitor. I'm listening to him."
"What is ap-knee-ah?" Travis asked, confused. His mother bent down to pick him up, and he didn't protest. She started walking him back to his room.
"Apnea is where someone stops breathing for a moment. You did it sometimes too, but you stopped."
"Oh." Travis felt worried. What if he stopped breathing and didn't know it?
"You're fine, trust me," his mother said, kissing his head softly. She was setting him down onto his bed now, tucking him in.
"You promise he'll be okay?" Travis asked her, still worried about Billy.
"I promise," she answered, kissing him again. "Sleep well, my little elephant."
"Night, Mummy."
She left him, and he turned onto his side and clutched his stuffy tightly in his hand. He liked being her little elephant. It had all started when his father made an elephant noise with his lips, and Travis tried to imitate it. He knew it wasn't sounding right, but it made his parents laugh, and he loved making them laugh.
He thought of Billy again for a moment, but then he was asleep.
...
The best part of having a new brother was everyone coming to see him. Travis saw a lot of his family members in the few weeks after Billy was born (some he'd only met twice before and came from far away), but his favorite was his Aunt Julia ("Jules"), his mother's sister. She did not come very often, but when she did, she always brought him his favorite candy and would tickle him or have drawing races with him. Travis had felt a little left out when his other aunts and uncles and grandparents fawned over Billy, but Julia made sure she had him on the couch with her when she held Billy.
"We can't forget about you," she teased Travis, ruffling his hair.
"Nobody forgets about him," his mother huffed, sounding annoyed.
"I'm just saying." Julia shrugged. Travis knew his mother and Julia didn't always get along, but he knew that sometimes happened with family. His father and uncle had "spats" too at times, although Travis never saw either of them spit at each other (he didn't know why his mother said it that way). Travis heard about them when his parents thought he was asleep. He hoped he and his brother would always get along, but he knew that were probably going to be times where Billy upset him and vice versa.
"Did you hurt yourself?" Travis asked his aunt now, noticing the marks on her wrists. He felt concern. They looked fresh and mean.
"Just an accident, love," Julia said reassuringly. Travis saw his mother glare at Julia. He stood in the hallway later, listening to his mother chastising his aunt for not covering up her arms, and did she not know that this would make Travis have questions she couldn't answer?
"I know your boyfriend left you, but do you have to be so damn dramatic?" his mother said sharply, making Travis's ears hurt.
"It must be so nice to be with someone who wants you," Julia said angrily. "You have no idea what it feels like to be rejected. 'Oh, hello, my name is Grace, and Nathan and I are just soooo in looooove all the time! Look at us with our two beautiful boys!'"
"Grow up," his mother snapped.
"You grow up," Julia shot back.
"Hey, sport," his father said, finding him and picking him up. "Let's leave the sisters to it, shall we?"
"Are they going to spit at each other?" Travis asked. His father started to laugh as he walked away with him.
"Maybe," his father said, still chuckling. "But let's not find out, eh?" Travis didn't argue. He didn't want to hear anymore of it anyway. He wanted to sit with Billy again. He soon forgot about his aunt's cuts on her wrists.
...
About a month after Billy was born, Travis heard his mother crying in the bathroom, hard. He'd heard whispers about "baby blues," and he had no idea what that meant. What did a baby being blue have to do with his mother crying?
He sat outside the bathroom door, wishing he could give her a hug and help her feel better. Buster sat with him. Billy was sleeping again. Travis marveled at how much his brother slept...and ate. He was slightly envious that his brother did not have to eat yucky brussels sprouts. When he heard his mother turn the taps on and move around, he quickly got to his feet and hurried back to his room, where he was supposed to be playing. He was sitting cross-legged when she poked her head into the room.
"You okay, my little elephant?" she asked.
"Yea," he answered, giving her his best smile. He didn't want to make her upset anymore than she already was. She left him alone, and he didn't dare leave his room again in case she wanted to be alone. It was hard, though. Eventually, he heard his father come home from work, and their voices were low coming through the house to his ears. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but it sounded comforting to him. His father always knew what to do or say to make his mother smile again.
"I would really appreciate it, Nate," his mother's voice said.
"You know I'd do anything for you, Grace," his father's voice said back. Then Travis couldn't hear anymore until the footsteps came towards his room.
"Hey, sport," his father said, coming into his room. "How about you and me go get some pizza and check out who's playing ball tonight, huh? Your mom's not feeling the greatest and just wants some rest."
"Okay!" Travis exclaimed, leaping to his feet. He loved watching the baseball games at the local baseball diamond. They weren't professionals like the ones on his posters, but they were really good in his mind. He hoped they would one day end up on a poster too.
"What about Billy?" he asked, remembering.
"Grandma is coming to keep an eye on Billy while your mom rests."
"Okay," Travis said again.
He took his father's hand, and they went out together. Travis loved one on one time with his father. He got to do things he wouldn't normally be allowed to do like eat two ice cream cones instead of one or spit (his mother hated spitting despite getting into spats herself, but Travis loved to see how far he could get it to fly...he figured he was practising for whenever he got into a spat with someone) or burp and fart as loudly as he wanted. His father would sometimes have a contest with him too.
His mother gave him a hug and a smile before he left, and Travis hoped that she would feel better soon.
...
It was his birthday. Travis was seven now, and he liked how the number rolled off his tongue. Seven. It sounded more elegant than six. He couldn't wait until he was eleven. It sounded even better.
His grandparents came for dinner. Then his uncle and aunt came after for cake and presents. They brought Travis's two cousins, who were older than him at ten and twelve. He had hoped his aunt Julia would come, but she didn't.
He beamed as the cake was put down in front of him, and he blew out the candles. His mother was holding Billy, who was alert and looking around at everyone. He got passed around between the adults a lot during the evening. Travis couldn't wait for his brother to get older so they could play together. It got boring just laying beside him and staring at him sometimes.
When he saw the brand new catcher's mitt, Travis grew very excited. His father winked and told him to try it on, which he did. He was glad he'd saved it for last because now all he wanted to do was go throw a ball around, which he went to do with his cousins. Nothing could ruin this day. Travis felt like everything was in place for him in his life. His legs burned as he ran for the ball, and he laughed as his cousin fell on his face trying to beat him to it.
He never wanted it to end.
...
When school started, Travis didn't want to go. He had gotten too comfortable in his routine with his mother and Billy, who was now eight months old. His brother smiled a lot and laughed now. He also was trying to crawl, which Travis had been encouraging whenever he could. His mother had gotten a few photographs of the two of them on the floor, Travis awkwardly on his hands and knees trying to demonstrate how it all works.
"You have to go, sweetheart," his mother said, packing his lunchbox. It was a new one. He'd picked the Thor one because he liked the idea of being a god. It seemed like it would be fun. He also liked hammers. He couldn't pronounce the actual name of Thor's hammer, though. Sometimes he'd pretend with his father's hammer and try to summon it. It never worked.
"But you'll be alone here," he said. Her being alone made him afraid. She'd had more spells of crying, and Travis worried what she would do alone in the house. Billy was still little. He couldn't help her.
"I'll be fine. I promise," his mother said. "I've got my little billy goat here with me."
Travis tried to feel reassured. He knew she was trying to make him laugh with her new nickname for Billy. She bent to hug him tightly, and he knew that was the end of the discussion. He was going to school.
He thought about her all day. His teacher sat him at a round table with two other boys and a girl. Since it was the first day, they mostly had fun introducing themselves and talking about their favorite thing that happened over the summer. Then they wrote a story and did a drawing. Then there was a bit of math, which Travis liked. Then it was lunch. Then it was recess. Then it was reading time. Then it was learning about the different weather systems. Then it was time to go home.
Travis ran up the driveway once he got off the bus and found his mother sitting with Billy at the kitchen table.
"Hey, you," she said, smiling. "How was your day?" He went over to her and hugged her tightly, squishing Billy in between them. He breathed her in and buried his face against her.
"Good," he answered, muffled by her shirt. She ran her fingers over his head gently, lightly pressing them on his scalp and rubbing. It felt so nice. No wonder cats purred.
"See? I told you it'd be fine," she said. "Now, can you put your stuff away and wash up for dinner?"
"Yea."
Travis did as he was told. He felt calm, at ease. He felt confident that things were actually going to be okay after all.