bad things happen bingo : trying not to cry

burning maze spoilers

Sacrifice. It's something Apollo hasn't ever quite understood. There was something so…human about it. He's spent enough of his time to know what certain experiences are like - hunger, pure bitterness, fear - but giving up your life to save the people you love is something he wouldn't ever get.

He understood the appeal of it - being a hero, knowing your loved ones would live, doing what's right - but he had never had to live through it before. He had never had to face it head on like in nightmares that leave you in a cold sweat and in breaking bad news. Like in remorseful, teary gazes and guilt crawling around in your gut like something alive. Like in deep red blood that stained what it touched and in heart stopping screams and in a thousand heartbreaks.

Remember what it's like to be human. That's what Jason Grace had said, before he had died. Before he had sacrificed himself. Apollo had promised that he would, but he's finding that being human is less about remembering and more about feeling.

"I liked you better before you were punished this last time," Ares had said one time, snarky, probably trying to get a rise out of him, but it hadn't worked.

Apollo had just smiled thinly and remorsefully, "I did too,"

Apollo hadn't wanted to be the one to tell Percy Jackson about Jason. He hadn't wanted to tell anybody - especially after watching Hazel Levesque and Piper McClean and Leo Valdez and Reyna Ramirez and Frank Zhang and -

Everybody. Especially after seeing everybody have to deal with it. But he knew he didn't have a choice. If he didn't, then somebody else would have to and that… that didn't seem right.

So, Apollo stood, now, in front of the Jackson-Blofis apartment, procrastinating. The clouds overhead had darkened and the wind had begun blowing harder - Apollo wanted to say it was some tragically planned something to fit the mood of it all, but he had a feeling it was just Zeus. That didn't reassure him, exactly, but he hit the buzzer next to the apartment door, anyways, and closed his eyes as a familiar voice came over the intercom a moment later.

"…Yes? Who is this?"

"Percy. It's…It's Apollo,"

"…."

"I'm not here to, assign you another quest, or anything, I just - I have some news."

"Uh - okay. I'll be there in a moment,"

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Apollo wonders if this is what it's like to suffocate. There's something about the situation that makes him wanna sit down and close his eyes. Not sleep, not die, just… sit.

There's a thump behind the door, and Apollo clenches his shaking hands. He's not allowed to be the one with a racing heart and trembling fingers. He's not allowed to be the one in mourning. He hadn't cared about Jason Grace. He hadn't even known he existed until after the First Titan War. He was the last person to be the one grieving.

The door opens after some fumbling with the door knob, and Percy Jackson walks out, looking exactly like before. Apollo immediately feels terrible - why should he be allowed to disrupt anything? why should he be allowed to be the one to tell Percy - one of Jason's best friends - that he was dead? that he was never coming back? no goodbyes, no final moments. just… gone - but he forces it down, as Percy awkwardly rubs the back of his neck.

"Hey,"

"Hi,"

"…What's up?"

Apollo nearly flinches. He doesn't know where to go from here. There's no way he can just…up and tell him? Can he? How was he supposed to do this?

"Do you wanna, maybe, uhm, sit down?"

Apollo sees Percy stiffen as he frowns, and he has a feeling Percy knows that Apollo doesn't have good news.

"No. I'm fine. Why are you here?"

Because I got your best friend killed. Apollo couldn't just say that, though, so he starts from the beginning. He doesn't sing this time - it seems like it'd be wrong and out of place, and he owed Percy more than that - he just tells him. He tells him about Caligula and the Triumvirate; tells him about how Meg and Jason was trapped in the venti; tells him about how Jason was killed and about how his last words.

Percy doesn't say anything through the entire thing, which scares Apollo more than anything. His jaw is clenched by the time he's finished, shoulders tense.

"Why?" He whispers, after a moment, and Apollo looks away.

"I don't know,"

"Why, Apollo? Why did you choose Jason? Why did he say yes? Why…why did he have to be so stupid?"

Apollo decides not to answer. The clouds have darkened more so than before, and the wind is getting stronger against them.

"I don't understand. Why me? Why Jason? Why us?"

"Because you're a hero," Apollo says, and it sounds fake even to his own ears.

Percy lets out a self-deprecating laugh, "Oh, yeah. Right," There's a moment of silence, and Apollo watches him cautiously before he looks back up at him, "What does that mean, Apollo?"

Apollo blinks at him, "What?"

"What does being a hero mean? What makes somebody a hero?" He repeats, his voice catching on the word hero.

A few months ago, Apollo may have answered. Something stereotypical that you would see on one of those hallmark cards a hero is somebody who cares! somebody who saves others! But Apollo's starting to doubt that. He doesn't know. He doesn't think anybody knows.

It's started to rain, now, the wind picking up as droplets of water fall from the clouds. It hit the concrete, and the people, and the buildings at an angle, leaving everything cold and wet. It reminded Apollo sickeningly, inexplicably, of blood. Apollo stares at Percy, as he realizes he doesn't answer. Percy stares back for a moment, before clenching his jaw. He nods slightly, eyes red-rimmed, as water tracks it's way down his face, and Apollo can't tell if he's crying or if it's the water falling from the sky. Before he can say anything else, Percy walks back into his apartment, without so much as a goodbye, and Apollo's left standing in the rain.