This is Jay POV in Jay and Hailey story.
That night, after meeting Mouse, Jay was caught up in his memories. The day Hailey came into his life he was too lost in Erin's drama to really noticed her. Well, he noticed her. Everybody noticed her, the small blond reclaimed their scene, told Voight to back off and left half of the Intelligence team moth-opened by her boldness. The few moments that Jay was actually paying attention to her, the only thing that really crossed his mind was that she was crazy facing Sargent Voight like that. But that was it, after that he just got back to his life.
A while later, he realized that she was really like that, strong, determined, focused and fierce. Voight must have seen that too because in just a few days she was leaving behind the Robbery-Homicide unit and joining them at Intelligence. And Jay couldn't say that he was thrilled about it. Voight paired her with Erin and he didn't like the move, but the truth was he and Erin, were on a rough path with no happy ending in sight, so it was probably for the best.
Now that he thought about it, they meet on his birthday, that must mean something, right? She saved his life in so many ways that he knew it meant something.
The days between Hailey arriving and Erin leaving were a blur to him. He spent most of his time trying to fix Erin's messed up situation. He thought that maybe by proposing to her they could finally try to find a way to get her back on track, but he was wrong and now that he made peace with it, he knew that he was not doing the right thing for either of them. After her departure, he was a bit out. He went to what was their apartment and found a photo of the two of them on the floor of the closet, picking it up he felt his heart tighten. That piece of them that she left behind was the answer that he didn't know he was looking for. She had left them behind and he needed to leave them behind too. But he knew that he had a long way ahead of him until he could feel like he could trust anyone again. Although he would not admit that to anyone he felt lost and angry for a long time, he felt unwanted and that really hurt him. Once again looking back, Hailey was the one that brought him back from that dark and ugly place where he was living.
Voight ended up partnering him with Hailey and in the beginning, he didn't know if he liked it or not. But he had to admit that, as soon as they become partners they connect. They start working in sync pretty quickly and he felt safe with her. She gave him something that he didn't have in a long time. She gave him peace. She was calm on her moves, always checked with him first and quick in her response to his calls, the confidence that she had in herself and in him made them really good together after a few weeks of work.
Hailey was collected like him, and stubborn like him. She always had a smile ready to him, but she had her walls up high, so it took him quite a while to really get to know her, but the little crumbs that she leaned on the way gave him theidea about who Hailey really wasand after a while, he found out that she also had her demons, that she also struggled to keep her head up and to keep herself on the bright side of life and that made him feel more connected to her. Their relationship evolved from awkward silent car rides to smiles in the morning, to teasing banter while on stakeouts, to coffee orders as good morning gifts, to a wordless eye talk that the rest of the unit envy. Their connection was palpable and the way they could understand each other with just an eye exchange was something else.
Looking back, he had to admit that she had been his rock since day one. She silently looked out for him from the beginning, she pushed him forward without questioning why he was so lost, she stopped him from losing himself in his dark hole, she put up with his stupidity and prevent him from almost losing himself, she called him out when he was messing up too much and forced him to therapy when she noticed he was spiralling too much. She tried to be by his side offering support and comfort since the beginning and he was such an ass to her sometimes. He was sure that he didn't deserve her.
When she demanded him to do therapy if he wanted to keep her as a partner he fought the urge to blow it off. If she didn't want him, he could have another partner. But at the end of that day, while he was in his truck trying to put his shit together, he just realized that he really needed to talk to someone, he needed to fix his mess and he needed to calm the storm inside his head. And he was not a fan of ultimatums but, if he was being honest, she had already tried on several occasions on a lighter tone and he just shrugged her away.
And as he ended up admitting to her, therapy actually helped. The first two sessions were like a nightmare. He was supposed to talk but he fought it for the entire time to get the words out and then he came home and fought with himself for not being able to let go, to talk, to say what was hunting him.
When he finally started to talk, he hit all the topics. The war, his PTSD, his mother's death, his relationship with his father, his doubts on forgiving his brother, Erin and her silenced departure, Voight, Hailey, yes he ended up talking about Hailey too. About how she pushed him and how she supported him and how she showed him that he could overcome this rough path that he insisted on going through.
When the therapist and he decided that, from that point on, he could reach every time he felt like he needed, but it was not necessary to keep a schedule, he stop going to regular sessions and informed Voight and Trudy that he didn't need the Saturday mornings anymore. Voight never expressed verbally but Jay could see how proud he was that he had done that and Trudy told him in her own way that she was happy that he committed to something like that. Both Sargent's knew that Hailey was responsible for his efforts and this upgrade on him but no one mentioned it.
He also told Hailey and she couldn't show a prouder smile to him. She knew she was somehow the one to blame and she noticed the improvement in his behaviour since he started and let him know that from time to time.
In the end, he was happy that she pushed him and happy with the result. She did what no one ever did. She told him he needed to work his things out and therapy was the solution. His PTSD was almost under control, except for some triggers and his nightmares were almost gone. Not that she actually knew about this but apparently she had an understanding of what he was going through. Probably because she had her nightmares too as he ended up finding out later.
They started to hang out more and he started to feel the need to be around her more. They relayed on each other more and started to reach for one another every time a case was too rough or too close to home. The team complained at the beginning when they just disappeared after a thought case but then they understood that they had their own thing going on and that was working. Everyone noticed the improvement in Jay behaviour and Kim like to remember him that he looked happier.
Jay knew that Hailey was not just his partner anymore, she was his best friend, or at least he thought she was.
One day, out of the blue, Jay faced the reality of his feelings for her. Hailey was dating Adam. After the surprise and the recognition to her that they were still good as always, he went home to digest the news and he realised that maybe she was even more than his best friend. That night, alone in his apartment, with his favourite whiskey as a company, he realised that he was probably in love with her and of course, his timing couldn't be worse because now she was dating Adam and he would not interfere.
The fact that this relationship started under his nose without him even get a clue about it left him a bit disappointed with himself but they never enter that territory and she was free to date whoever she wanted. The problem was, now he knew, he had to live with it and he was struggling. He couldn't see Adam without feeling some pit in his stomach. He tried to ignore when he texted her in the morning and she didn't answer back right away, that they probably were together and most of the times since he found out, they were together, he was bitter and moody like his brother liked to remember him. But their relationship didn't change, they keep doing their thing and move with their lives without major problems. Adam was not a subject on their conversations and they succeed in not changing what they got. But he was jealous, he knew he was. And he eventually ended up admitting to himself that if he was jealous, that could only mean something, if he was jealous of her, of them being together, that meant he was in love with her. Because friends don't get jealous about each other especially when almost nothing changed in their relationship. But he was, nothing changed between them but he couldn't stop thinking that, another man was kissing her before she fell asleep, another man was cuddling with her in bed... He couldn't stop thinking about it and it was driving him crazy. One night he even went to a bar alone with the idea of picking up some random girl for a one night stand. But as soon as he was inside and some blond smiley girl approached him he realised that he wasn't that kind of man anymore. He even let it play for a moment but he just couldn't. All he saw was Hailey, her ocean blue eyes and her teasing smile and he excused himself and left the bar twenty minutes after he arrived. He got home in record time and went to bed, end up dreaming Hailey telling him that she didn't love him and that he had ruin what they got. The morning after he woke up with a weight in his stomach and decided that yes he was in love with Hailey Upton but he will be his best friend like he always were and he would bury his love for her because he was just not ready. That morning when they meet at work he knew she could see in his eyes that he was sad but he couldn't do anything about it. He was in love with a girl he could not have.
When he was younger, around fifteen maybe, his mother once told him that falling in love with his best friend was the perfect match. She accepts your faults and she knows all your defects and she supports you when you need it and kicks you in the but when you are being dumb. It's the perfect match, honey. Don't seek it like your life depends on it, Jay. But if you find it don't let her go. He could almost still feel her forehead kiss before she leaves him alone with his thoughts. He had found it but his best friend was not in love with him. And he was learning to leave with it.
In the same way, Hailey and Adam started dating without his notice, they also ended without him noticing. Well, he noticed that she was more available at the end of the night but he didn't know how were their arrangements so he didn't ask. But his mother's words crossed his mind so many times after he found out they were not together anymore.
Now he knew why Hailey and Adam got together, and what it meant to her and why it ended, he tried to forget that actually happened, for his sake, even if Adam liked to remember him sometimes.
That relationship was an eye open for him, but he knew that after she ended things with Adam she would not start dating right away. And he was not ready to let her know how he felt anyway. Because as much of his mother told him to not let her go, he could not lose her anyway. So he would be there, by her side as long as she allowed him to. He just admitted that she was gorgeous and amazingly attractive on top of everything that he already knew about her, and yes it took her dating someone for him to admit but he was too afraid of losing her. He was too afraid of not having her in his life. He kept having nightmares where she walked away from him, telling him that he ruined everything they had. He was so afraid of ruin what they had that he was committed to fighting his feelings as long as he could.
As long as she was by his side he was happy and that was enough for him.
But they start to get closer, unconsciously, or not, they seek for each other presence, for each other light touch or squeeze on the shoulder. They stayed on each other's couch more often and had dinner together probably more times than two partners would. And they were ok with that. At least Jay was ok with that and Hailey didn't seem to feel uncomfortable about it either.
But when her CI was shot she rise her walls again, she closed him out and he saw it happened in front of him, and he fought for her but she just shrugged him away. For a while, he felted they had retroceded on their connection, that somehow they lost themselves on the way, but work kept them moving on and without notice, he did the same, he shut her off and, on the way trough they separated journeys, he got shot.
When he woke up that day alone in that hospital bed he felt scared. His first thought was her, she was the last face he saw, she hold his hand when he was drifting off but after that mess, he was sure he had lost her. But she stayed by his side, reassuring him they were good and, for a moment, on the day she went pick him up, he almost could tell that she felt the same way he did, that she was maybe falling for him, that what they had was more than a partnership or even a friendship. But the moment passed and she brought back "boss Hailey" mode and told him that he should talk to his therapist because the guilt he was carrying was not ok and he did and it made him feel good. After the shot, she got closer to him again and spend the first few days hovering around him. He liked having her around to help him and he told her that, making her blush more than once. By that point, they had reached a level of intimacy that he knew for sure he never had to anyone. Not even with his past girlfriends. She slept several nights at his place, they brush their teeth together, she saw him almost naked because he needed help to undress, she changed his bandage twice a day, helped him while he threw up because of the pain because he didn't want to take anything strong to deal with it. She changed to sweats and a T-shirt, not in front of him but near him several times, she drove him to work when he returned to desk duty. They lived like a couple during that time and they had never been so close, but Hailey's demons were not completely hidden and she ended up doing something that would jeopardize her career and Voight took action. The night she knocked on his door around midnight with red-rimmed eyes and an apologetic smile on her face he knew that something was going down. That was the first time they hug and he felt actual physical pain when he let her go.
The morning after, she was on a flight to New York, while he was sitting alone in the bullpen staring at her empty desk trying very hard to push away the feeling of deja vu.
The time that she spent in New York was a mix of grumpy days and smiley facetime calls. They were in a good place when she left. Yes, she went behind his back when she planted the drugs but he knew that she only did it because she didn't solve her recent issues with how things were going and was too unhappy with the fact that the wrong people kept suffering the consequences of a failed system. And she knew he would stop her from doing it, that was why she didn't told him. He wished she had, but she didn't and that was something that they still need to figure out but in terms of their friendship as Jay liked to call it, they were good and while she was in New York, they talked almost every day. Texts, calls and at the end of the day, if their schedule aloud, they facetime and that was so new to Jay that he was amazed at himself by the fact that he wanted to do it. He wanted to see her face, her smile and hear her laugh and her stories. He missed her so much, her presence right beside him, the sense of peace that she always gave him, her scent in this truck, her giggle while he talked nonsense to pass the time, her teasing laugh when she wanted to make fun of him. He missed her so much that in the first week he bought two coffees four days in a row. Kim and Vanessa thanked him, giving him a knowing smile. He was too lost without her, the storm inside him, that her presence calmed was getting stronger. But the facetime calls improved his mood and he was always excited to get home to call her. Sometimes they talk a lot and other times they just silently be around until eventually fall asleep. She always waked him with a text with some goofy statement and that gave him the boost he needed to face the day without her by his side.
He thought that they were close when she left but when she returned he was sure they were closer and, once again, his mother's words come to his mind but he fast reminded himself that they were just friends. The day he went pick her up from the airport his heart was betting so strong that he could hear it in his ears. As soon as he spotted her he felt a smile open on his face. That was the second time they hug. He thought he would never let her go. She was right beside him again and his world was good again, that sense of peace was back, even though they were just friends.
But friends don't do the things they did as his brother liked to tease him about it. Friends don't get grumpy all day because the other is not around, friends don't facetime every day when the other is far away, friends don't have dinner every night or don't have each other apartment and car keys. Will liked to tease him about their "friendship" but Jay knew he was right, but once again he would not throw all that they had away so he kept to himself and enjoyed having her back in his life, right beside him and not through a phone screen.
But the universe liked to mook him so the FBI decided to offer her something that would make her consider her every option and he was not ready to hear what she had to say to him.
He was not ready to hear her saying that she had chosen him. He had prepared himself to heard her saying she was going away. He was not use to be chosen, he didn't think about this in a pitty way, he knew his family loved him, in his own way and his friends loved him too. But being chosen by someone like this, like he was the reason for her to stay, for not take the job, for not leave. He was not ready to hear her saying that, and he was so overwhelmed that he was not capable of uttering a word and he just kissed her because, before their conversation, he prepared himself to watch her leave, to hear her telling him that it was a too much good offer to let go and to get over the fact that she was also moving to New York. But she didn't, and he kissed her because he was not capable of anything more. He kissed her like she was the only woman for him like she was his last first kiss like she was all that he wanted for him, the perfect match, like his mother told him once and when they finally separated he rested his forehead on hers and smiled and told her with his eyes, in their own language, how much he didn't see her as just his partner too for so long and how amazingly happy he was by her boldness.
They left that bar holding hands and he felt a warmth inside his chest that he was not use to feel and that gave him a sense of belonging like he never had. That night was one of the best nights of his life and in the morning he was afraid to wake up and realized that all of it had been just a dream. Actually the first two weeks he was always trying to reassure himself that he was not dreaming. But he was not dreaming, she was actually his, this brave, strong and gorgeous woman was his, and he was so in love with her.
Today, after all this time, with the moonlight brightening her amazing feature while she sleeps against his chest, he still feels that warmth, that sense of belonging and Hailey is the one to blame, his perfect match.
Really hope you like it!
Enjoy and let me know what you think!