Sakura was starting to feel like she was in a time loop. Travel to a new town, stay a night or two and get drunk, then move on. Now she was in...come to think of it she really didn't know where she was now. Everyplace started to look the same after a while. The same shops, the same people, and the same bars. Speaking of which, she was trying to find the latter. Hopefully she could find a nice one, she was planning on getting fancy wasted tonight.
The evening was just beginning and the centre of town was full of people just getting off work. Adults walked around to different food stalls with baskets in hand, kids ran around with balls to play with, and the market vendors were loud and cheery as they tried to attract people to their stalls. Normally Sakura liked to stand around and watch the organized chaos, people watching was a habit of hers. But right now she didn't particularly to pursue this activity, not when she had something more important to do.
"Excuse me!" A girl, a young teen by the looks of things, came running towards Sakura. Her pale blue eyes were frantic, her long hair bobbed as she ran. She got so close Sakura could see the scars on her lips from biting them too hard. "Help, can you please help me?"
Though Sakura didn't have the will to throw out her headband, she didn't typically wear it anymore. There was nothing to indicate that she was...had been a ninja. So she didn't know why this girl came up to her specifically when there were plenty of others in the market. "I'm sorry," Sakura said. "I can't."
"You don't understand!" The girl wailed. She gripped Sakura's shoulders with her hands. People were starting to stare. "They're really hurt, and they're trapped. I came here as fast as I could to get help. Come, come quick." Her hands changed position and she grabbed Sakura's forearm and started to run, not waiting for a response. The girl jolted and turned back in surprise when Sakura dug her heels into the ground and refused to move. "Wha-why aren't you coming?"
"I said I can't help you," Sakura's cheeks were starting to turn red. Why were so many people watching? Did they have nothing better to do? Couldn't one of them offer to help instead of gawking?
"B-but they need help!" The girl repeated. "They're stuck under a big log, and they were already injured before that."
"I'm sorry," she said. "There's nothing I can do." You really don't want my help, she thought, I'd just make things worse, again. "You're better off trying to find someone else to lend you a hand."
The look of betrayal the girl gave her as she ran off to do as Sakura said and find someone else stung more than Sakura would like to admit. It made her feel shame, as well as anger. The girl didn't know her, just randomly came up to her, and had the nerve to be upset when Sakura said no? Other people continued to stop what they had been doing and give her judging looks. She glared back at them until they turned away. How dare they judge her. If they wanted the girl to be helped, they could do it themselves. She stomped away from the market, abandoning her original purpose.
Her feet eventually brought her to a hill overlooking the countryside beyond the town, a quaint lookout point. Not wanting to go any further, she sat down and watched her surroundings. The sun was setting, animals were scurrying around, it was all very peaceful. Or at least, it should have been. "You can come out now," Sakura said.
Even as he left the tree and jumped to the ground, there was no sound. The ninja master himself Kakashi walked over to her in his famous slouching position. "Yo," he said as he sat beside her.
This was the first time she'd seen a member of her old team since she'd left the village. A part of her had hoped that there were have a been a huge search party looking for her, people who wouldn't rest until they knew where she was and that she was okay. Something like they did for Sasuke. But that never happened, no one went out to find her, no one really seemed to care. She would be lying if she said that it didn't sting. Sakura nodded at him but didn't say anything.
After a pause, Kakashi spoke up. "How have you been?"
She would have liked to have heard an 'we miss you' or something to that effect. Sakura shrugged. "It's nice here."
"Yes," he said. "Hamara is very pleasant this time of year."
"Oh," she said, "So that's where we are."
Kakashi's one visible eyebrow furrowed. "Sakura, are you sure you're okay?"
She shrugged again. "I'm fine."
"I see," he said, obviously not convinced from his tone. "So fine that you declined that girl's request for help?"
He saw that? And she hadn't noticed him? Well, he was one of the best ninja in the world, she really shouldn't be surprised. "She would be better off getting help from someone else, someone who doesn't accidentally kill civilians." That last part was choked out. Before this she thought that she had been done crying about it, but suddenly she was forcing back tears again. She always did get too emotional.
"Ah," he said in understanding. "Sakura, there's no such thing as a perfect ninja, everyone makes mistakes."
"Mistakes that cost innocent people their lives?" Sakura said angrily, though the anger was more directed at herself than at her past mentor.
"Sakura, death is quite common in our profession," he said. "Especially when it comes to causing it, even when it's an innocent person. At least you can say that yours was accidental." He almost sounded haunted at the end. Sometimes Sakura forgot his past, that he was an ANBU member before being their mentor, she wondered how many sins constantly weighed on his conscience.
"But he was there because of me!" Sakura's hands gripped the dirt below her. "I asked him to help me bandage the wounded, said it would be a good way to help the village." At this point her tears were flowing freely. Kakashi was silent, allowing her space to get her feelings out. "And when that enemy ninja ran at us, I actually got excited. I thought that it was my chance to prove that I was strong, that I didn't need to constantly rely on other people's help. When we fought I was winning, I was going to be able to say that I successfully defended the wounded on my own. Then the boy tripped and fell in front of me and I-" Despite it being over a year ago she still couldn't say it. She looked down at her fists, fists that had so much strength in them. Fists that quickly took the life of someone so eager to help others.
For so long she had kept these feelings in, drowning them in alcohol and cheap thrills in an attempt to become numb to them. Now they were all coming out. She sat on the ground and she cried until the sun fell all the way down. To his credit, Kakashi didn't say the stupid typical things when people cried like 'there there' or 'shhh, it's okay.' He just waited patiently until she stopped. Eventually she looked at her sensei and said, "When does it get easier?"
"It doesn't," Kakashi said. "That's why so many ninjas that aren't zealots become alcoholics. They find different coping strategies, some healthier than others. Those that don't often become hardened monsters."
Orochimaru came to mind in her head. "Hardened monster," she whispered. "I think I've become worse than that. At least those people are focused on a goal, that boy just died because of my incompetence."
"Sakura," he said with concern.
"It's true!" She said. "Think about it, even without mentioning the boy, how many times have I had to been saved? My biggest victory was against Sasori, but even then I had help."
"And you've saved others countless times," he responded. "Don't measure your success by how many you've killed, that's a very dangerous path to follow. Count it by how many people you've protected, how many are saved and healed because of your actions."
"I didn't save him," she said, looking at her knees. "I didn't help him at all. He's dead, and it's all because of me. He's not going to see his mom again, his little sister, no one. He told me about how no one in his family believed in him, that he was going to prove to them that he could make a difference. Now he can't, and it's not even because of an enemy nin."
He sighed. "Sakura, I could tell you a million things. I could say that he died in the line of duty, I could say that he could have had a much worse death if he was caught by the enemy nin, I could talk about how you still managed to stop enemy ninja from hurting the wounded. None of it is really going to help. But I can say that he probably wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your days like this."
Before Sakura could respond to that, they heard a yell in the distance. It was the girl who had come up to Sakura earlier in the day. It was followed by the sounds of another person cursing, and sounds of a scuffle. "She sounds like she could still use your help," Kakashi said.
Sakura found herself rising before she could even think about it, then stopped. "That girl is better off being assisted by someone else," she said. "Someone who is not going to accidentally swing in the wrong direction."
"Sakura, her best bet of making it out okay is with your help," Kakashi said. "Now go, I'll be close by in case anything happens."
Before Sakura could respond and try to say that it would be better if he had went by himself, he was gone in a flash. A sound of frustrating went through her throat, then she heard the girl again. From the sound of her scream, things weren't going well. She heard Naruto in her head urging her to go help the girl. Well, if Kakashi was going to be nearby she supposed things could go alright. She raced towards the sound of the girl.
Things were most definitely not going well, not at all. The girl and two people who were trapped under a fallen tree, Sakura assumed they were her teammates, were being attacked by two ninja. The girl looked exhausted, about to fall over as she stood in front of her team holding a single kunai as protection. Sakura had flashbacks to the chunin exams watching the scene. Back then she had help, now it was her time to step in. Once again she felt a sting of hesitancy, a worry that she might make things worse. But then she remembered that Kakashi was nearby, he wouldn't let anything too bad happen, right?
Fortunately she had come in quietly enough to have the advantage of surprise, she didn't have Naruto's near unlimited chakra supply to be able to barge in without any subtlety. One ninja was a man, the other a woman, both not wearing any headbands. Both were currently relying on taijutsu. While both were running towards the girl, though the man was faster. His leg went out in a kick, which the girl was just able to dodge. But that left her wide open for the woman's punch. Just as it was about to land, Sakura leapt forward and blocked the move with her arm. Both ninja stopped for a moment in surprise at the sight of her. The girl smiled in a moment of happy surprise. "You came!"
"Keep your guard up," Sakura said as she positioned herself in front of the girl. "Protect your team." As soon as the words left her mouth, the two ninja started towards their new target.
Both proved themselves to be more than proficient in taijustu. She traded many blows with them as she gauged their abilities. They had to be at least seasoned chunin by the way they moved. Just as she was wondering if they didn't know any ninjustu, one of them summoned a large gust of wind that would have knocked her to the ground had she not moved in time. It did manage to throw her off balance, which the man took advantage of with a sweeping kick. She grabbed him and used the momentum of her fall to send him flying back.
The woman ran at her and Sakura lifted her fist, summoning chakra into it. Just as Sakura was about to release her punch that would send the woman smashing into a nearby tree, she stopped. Flashbacks of the boy she killed came flooding back into her mind, her eyes went wide at the memory. The woman took advantage of her hesitance, summoning another air jutsu to send throw her off balance to the ground. Something snapped on her way down, it felt like her ankle. Pain surged in her leg. She swore as she rolled out of the way of another kick.
You can come out any time now Kakashi, she thought as she summoned healing chakra to her foot. She didn't have time fully heal it, but she did manage to get just enough chakra in the area to stop it from hurting. "Ah, so your a med nin," the man said, speaking for the first time in their encounter. "I guess we'll have to do something about those healing hands of yours."
Since she left Konoha she had rarely worked on her stamina and endurance and it was starting to show as she countered the moves of her opponents. She was breathing heavily as she was forced to go on the defensive from their onslaught. "Girl, get out while you still can," she called behind her.
"No!" She heard in a tone that Naruto often used. "I won't abandon my friends, we can do this!"
Great, the girl seemed to have just as much survival sense as her teammate. That meant that if Sakura went down, the girl probably still wouldn't have enough sense to run. Well, Sakura would just have to win then. If she wasn't able to use her strength without hesitation, what else could she use? She couldn't keep trading blows forever, not with the wind techniques of one of them. Hmmm, she did have another trick she could use. She just had to time it right, she needed an opening.
She got one when the girl threw her kunai at the woman, causing her to stop her wind justu and dodge. Not the best move, since the girl was wide open now, but it bought Sakura a bit of time. She did multiple hand signs that to the untrained eye would appear to lead to a fireball. The ninjas saw what she was doing and once they noticed her mouth open they leapt away, but both of them made eye contact with her. That was their mistake.
Both of them started screaming as they looked down at the ground in horror. In reality both were standing still, but in their minds they were sinking into the ground. Perfect. Now she just had to time the rest of it correctly. She maneuvered up to the man and hit a pressure point on his neck. He sunk down to the ground. One down, one to go.
She could already tell the woman would be more of a challenge with the way she was flailing around. If Sakura wasn't careful all she would do was end the genjustu she placed the woman in. She side stepped around the woman, avoiding her moving arms. Once she was in position, Sakura's hand went for the woman's neck, but the woman shifted too early. She inadvertently blocked Sakura's hand and waved it away. Sakura quickly moved again, but ended up hitting the woman instead of knocking her out. The woman's eyes cleared as she was sent back to reality.
Not waiting for the woman to recover fully, Sakura leapt at the woman. She grabbed the ninja with her whole body and put her in a choke hold, forcing them both to the ground. The woman scratched and flailed to get out of the hold, but Sakura had secured it too fast. The woman continued to fight for a few more seconds until she eventually became unconscious from oxygen shortage. Once Sakura was sure the woman was out, she released her.
"You're...you're amazing!" The girl said, eyes wet with tears of excitement.
"Now let's tie them up and get your friends out," Sakura said. All this time and she never saw Kakashi once. Well, he was a world renowned shinobi for a reason, it shouldn't be a surprise that he was excellent at hiding.
It took quite a bit of maneuvering to get the girl's team members out without using her strength. She and the girl had to use some branches as levers to lift them out. Then Sakura used her healing chakra to patch them up. They were all profusely grateful and promised to sing her praises until Sakura told them not to, she was too used to moving around anonymously. When Sakura asked how they got into this situation they admitted that they had taken a mission that was a little too over their heads. They were to intercept some bandits that were stealing items from traveling merchants. These bandits just happened to be missing nin. The team fought them temporarily before realising they were out of their league and fled, they managed to get away for a while but two got caught under a falling tree. Everything else was history. The trio promised to get the missing nins to their village and to refrain from taking missions they were unqualified in until they got more training. All in all, Sakura decided, things turned out okay.
She didn't see Kakashi again until she was at a bar. This time her drinking felt a little different, more congratulatory rather than drowning her sorrows. "How did it go?" he asked.
Sakura paused. "You didn't see it yourself?"
He shook his head as he sat across from her at the table. "No, I didn't go."
What? Her heart pounded a little as she thought of the many ways the event could have gone sour. The only reason she had went was because she knew, well thought he would be there if she failed. "Uh, I guess it went okay," she said before she explained what happened.
"See, I knew you'd be fine," he said with pride in his voice once she finished.
"Did you send me out alone to test me?" she asked with an eyebrow raised. "Or to read more Icha books?"
"Now Sakura, I would never do that," he said in a tone that was a little too reassuring. "I had full confidence in you."
"Yeah right," she took another swig of her sake. "So why did you come all the way over to Hamera?"
"Hamara," he corrected her.
"That too."
"Would you believe it was because I heard you were heading here?" he asked.
"No," she said shortly.
"Sakura, you wound me," he said, putting a hand on his heart. "My favourite student sure knows how to hurt me."
"I thought you had no favourite students," she said, "And if you did have one, it definitely wasn't me." She had had just enough alcohol to get past being courteous.
Her tone made him frown. "What do you mean?"
"Kakashi, you never disregarded me or anything to that extent, but I was never your focus," Sakura said. "You spent way more time training Sasuke and Naruto than you ever did me."
She saw him open his mouth through his mask like he was about to counter her point, then paused. "You may have a point," he admitted. "But it was mainly due to circumstance. During the chunin exams I needed to focus on Sasuke and his fight with Gaara, for all the good that did. After Naruto came back with Jiraiya he needed my help, you were already a trained medical kunoichi by then."
"And before the chunin exams?" Sakura asked.
"Before then you seemed more focused on getting Sasuke's attention than you did on getting stronger," Kakashi said.
"You mean I acted like a normal teenage girl," Sakura said.
"Perhaps," Kakashi said. "I was never good with normal, I was much better with the odd ones, the ones were more like me. Besides, you have turned into a fully competent medical ninja with a mentor much more scary than me."
Sakura gave a small chuckle, thinking of Tsunade. "That may be true."
"Anyway, if you'd really like to improve, I could try to help," Kakashi said. "Every month or so I'll come find you, until you're ready to come back, and test your skills."
She paused and looked down, not sure what to say to that. Sakura was never sure when she would go back, if she ever would. She was about to say so to Kakashi, but then noticed he had already left his seat. A quick scan told her that he was no longer in the bar. "Che, what a man," she said as she took another swig of her drink.
She'd better start practicing her skills before she saw him again.