Those characters still don't belong to me.
And English is still not my first language.
Enjoy.
Amanda Rollins woke up to something warm and wet all over her face.
"Ugh, Frannie. Not the face."
She sat on the bed, absentmindedly scratching her pet just under the chin, before kissing her head .
"I think you were in my dream…"
The dog tilted her head, curious.
"Yep. You were definitely there. That's all I remember though. And a horse, I think? Never mind. Time to get ready for work, girl!"
The whole morning, at the precinct, Rollins had this lingering feeling that she was going to remember her dream, but nothing. It was just there, in the back of her mind, close enough that she could smell it, taste it even, but every time she tried to catch it, it just disappeared. And the detective was getting increasingly frustrated, with that non memory being all around her, dripping everywhere, on each one of her thoughts, each one of her perceptions, all the while eluding her completely. Like the same two bars of a forgotten song playing in a loop in her head, taunting her, the rest of the song lost forever. Obviously, combing through testimonies and pieces of evidence wasn't helping her mood in the slightest.
She needed to get the fuck out of there, even for a few minutes. So when Fin mumbled something about their favorite take out place not being able to deliver their food before they would all starve to death, something about one of the delivery guys being sick? she jumped out of her chair, startling everyone, and ran off with barely a word.
" 'm on it!"
"What is wrong with her today?", asked a bemused Carisi. "She barely talked all morning and now she's running away like there's a fire."
No one answered him. Amaro just shrugged, but Benson and Tutuola exchanged a worried glance. She had been doing so well lately, even after what happened with Patton had finally exploded a few months ago... They would have to keep a closer eye on her. And on Nick, to avoid a repeat of some stalkerish and intrusive behavior.
When she came back with their food, Fin was glad to notice her partner seemed a bit better. Maybe she was just having a bad day.
Before sitting back at her desk to enjoy her food and, hopefully, get definitely rid of that weird feeling clinging to her since she woke up, she went to give Olivia her order. Upon reaching the doorstep, she realized her boss wasn't alone anymore: Alex Cabot was there, perched on the desk, while her wife to be was finishing some paperwork.
The two blondes greeted each other, and as Amanda was about to deliver her cargo, it happened. Alex's perfume hit her nose, blended with Olivia's own scent, and she froze. It lasted a fraction of a second, but that smell burst open the gates in her brain all the way to the back, and her dream got out, washing over her. The song was complete again. The whole fuckin' album was now playing in her mind: her father nearly killing her mother, how scared she was, hiding under the bed with Frannie. And then, of course "Sheriff" Benson to the rescue, with her mustang. Really Rollins? A horse? She scoffed at herself. The rest of the dream followed suit. Patton. The sheer terror she felt. And then the safety, the warmth, with Liv and Alex.
Her cheeks were burning with shame and she felt ridiculous all of a sudden. And inexplicably, lonely. So very lonely. So empty. So scared, all over again. The dream version of her was lucky. She wished that she, too, could crawl on Benson's lap and just hide there for a while. Protected and cared for.
Brought back to the present by those childish desires, and mortified, she dropped the containers on the desk and tried to beat a hasty retreat, blushing even more furiously.
"Rollins...?"
"I… enjoy your meal. I...you know. Work. Paperwork."
She pointed her thumb at her own desk, but her attempt at a casual smile failed miserably, and she scampered away before embarrassing herself even more.
Alex arched an eyebrow at Olivia, who just shrugged in response.
"No idea, love. She's been weird all morning."
A few hours later, when they were all done for the day, Amanda couldn't run away fast enough. She needed a drink. Or more like SEVERAL drinks. And to see absolutely no one for the next couple of days. The time for her to regain some kind of control over her feelings and emotions.
"So, did you like it? What are your impressions?"
Benson and Cabot had spent their evening in a little theatre, enjoying a play performed by a novice troupe.
"Well... I must admit that when the maid entered the stage rolling over marine-style, while they all suddenly began to sing Dancing Queen, I… really wondered what was happening."
Alex chuckled at the answer.
"Yeah. They really amped up the absurd in a play that already embodies the absurd..."
"I actually like this choice though. It balances the emptiness and gloom. A way of saying existence is pointless but it can be pointless and light and even fun at times and you're not listening to me..."
Olivia playfully pulled at Alex's hand to get her attention.
"Sorry love, but I think I just saw Rollins?"
And, sure enough, on the other side of the street was a wobbling blonde walking a dog looking suspiciously like Frannie. Or, more accurately, a dog looking suspiciously like Frannie was trying to keep a wobbling blonde on the sidewalk.
They made their way through the people enjoying their Friday night like they had been a few moments earlier.
"Rollins ?"
The young woman turned around and her face brightened when she recognized the couple.
"Liiiiiiiiv! Leeeex! 'Tsoo nice to see youuu!"
"Liv" and "Lex" exchanged a knowing look. Their little friend was definitely drunk.
"Amanda. Why are you drunk at barely 9pm?" asked Liv, evidently worried.
" 'cause I drank alcohol, Liv!", Amanda shrugged, as if her boss was really slow to catch up, "'t's how you get drunk."
Alex couldn't help but chuckle at Olivia's eye roll, and felt the urge to justify herself when her fiancée glared at her.
"Well, she does have a point here."
This was going to be an interesting end to their evening.
"Oookay. So why did you drink? With Frannie?"
Given Rollins' mood all day long, Benson was more than a bit concerned, and wasn't ready to let go.
"Frannie didn't drink, Sarge! I would never do that to her!"
Rollins seemed extremely offended at the idea, raising a hand to her chest and pulling Frannie against her legs with the other. Legs that were growing more and more unsteady by the minute.
"She came with me cause I didn't want to be alone. And also, you can't play blackjack with big dogs around here."
Ah. So gambling had been on the table tonight.
"But why did you drink so much?" Alex insisted.
"Becausssse I had a dreeeeam... and it made me think of... things. And it's my birthday tomorrow. And also... "
Rollins stopped suddenly, unsure whether she should tell everything or not.
"Because..."
She got closer to the older women.
"Because you're not my momssss". The admission was made in a shy whisper, Rollins immediately turning red, despite the very comfortable level of inhibition the alcohol gave her.
Whatever Benson and Cabot were expecting, this... wasn't it. They exchanged some perplexed looks. Amanda Rollins was clearly going through something, and they needed to have a conversation about that, whatever "that" was.
"Ookay? How about", Alex began, taking the leash from her friend, "we take you home with us for the night and make sure you're ok?"
The "and then tomorrow we'll talk about it" was left unsaid, but there was no doubt in her mind that Olivia would want to talk. Extensively. The Olivia Benson's way.
Benson moved in turn and put an arm around her detective's shoulders to steady her.
"Yeah. And a little walk might do you some good."
With her friends flanking her, Amanda felt warm and fuzzy. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Or a little bit of both. Whatever the reason, drunk and emotional, she let Liv shepherd her on the sidewalk, only vaguely nodding.
On their way back home, Alex and Olivia resumed their earlier discussion about the play, earning some snorts and giggles and "nerds" from Amanda along the way. Frannie, by contrast, was exceptionally well behaved, following Alex and never venturing away.
When Lucy opened the door to greet them, she was slightly surprised: two women went away and three women and a dog were back. Said dog was presently rolling around on the floor, while her owner was trying to give her some belly rubs. Trying being the operative word, as Amanda suddenly lost balance and ended sprawled over Frannie, cackling. Olivia shot a "don't ask" look at the nanny, while Alex coaxed detective and dog into the living room and on the couch, laughing and shaking her head.
Once Lucy was gone, Olivia went to check on Noah, who was peacefully asleep in his bed, and then went to join Alex and Amanda in the living room, grabbing a bottle of ibuprofen on the way. In the meantime, Alex had made tea, and was now trying to convince Amanda to have some. But the young detective didn't seem very happy at the prospect, judging by the faces she was making, using Frannie as a shield. Olivia didn't know Rollins could be so childish, but then she had never seen her so drunk either. It was almost endearing.
Alex ultimately gave up, throwing her arms in the air in mock surrender. Spotting Liv, she poured some more tea and handed the brunette her ridiculous "I'm the boss" mug. While the older women were settling down, Alex on the couch next to her and Liv on the armchair just in front, Rollins changed her mind and carefully sipped some of her hot beverage. Apparently, it went well, because she then emptied her cup in two large gulps, before handing it out with pleading eyes. Alex scoffed, but Liv obliged with a smile.
Once they were all comfortable, and rehydrated, Benson turned her whole attention to Amanda, now playing with Frannie's ears, flapping them left and right with a huge grin on her face. She seemed so relaxed, Liv felt a bit guilty for what she was about to ask, but she needed to know what had triggered this drinking binge. And it was most certainly not pleasant.
"So, Amanda… It's your birthday tomorrow, right?"
Amanda just nodded, still playing with Frannie, not really paying attention to her friends.
"And why do you feel bad about it?"
The blonde just shrugged, letting go of Frannie's head to point her index fingers at Liv.
"Because… Like…"
She paused for a second, booping her pointer fingers together.
"Like it takes me further and fuuuuurther away from people. Like… yeah. Further. Hmmm."
"Okay. So, why don't you talk to us right now? We're here."
Amanda rolled her eyes at her sergeant.
"I didn't say farther, Liv. I said: fUrther."
She stopped again, to gather her thoughts once more.
"It's different. It's different, right?... Hmmm fUrther, fArther… Whatever. The point izzzzzz, it's metaphorical, Liv. METAPHORICAL."
The young detective emphasized her point with some over dramatic gestures of her hands, poking her colleague repeatedly in the process, until Olivia had no other choice but to grab those very excited hands and put them back on their owner's lap. Alex's shoulders were shaking and her mouth tightly shut: she was barely containing her laughter, and Liv wasn't really doing any better, biting the inside of her cheeks very hard. Taking advantage of the fact that she was out of Rollins sight, Alex mouthed a very exaggerated "metaphorical, Liv", raising her hands behind Amanda's head. It was enough to push Liv over the edge, and she burst out laughing.
Immediately, Amanda's lower lip began to tremble.
"Are you mockin' me, Sarge?"
Her detective looked so hurt and vulnerable all of a sudden that Olivia sobered almost instantly.
"Oh no, no honey, we're not. Your wording was a bit funny, that's all. We're listening, I promise. You were saying you feel you're too far away from people. So what do you mean by that? Do you feel alone?"
Olivia was aware she was talking to her detective as if she was six-year-old, but clearly the alcohol was taking its toll on Rollins.
Amanda nodded, chewing on her lips.
"Yeah. No. I don't know. It's not really that I'm too far? More like, a part of me is driftin' away? Further and further away? And she's never gonna get what she needs.. I… hmmm."
She zoned out for a moment, probably fighting off the alcohol as much as she was trying to make sense of her thoughts.
"I think usually I don't pay attention to it, but my birthday always reminds me of mini-me? And then in my dream I was a child and my father was beatin' my mom and usually no one ever came, right? And then for once someone came. You came, Liv, and you saved me? And I was so happy? And it was like mini-me at long last had what she wanted? But she didn't, because you never came. No one saved me. No one came to take me away and protect me and I…"
Her voice died in her throat, and half a sob tore out instead. The conversation had taken an unexpected turn, and neither Liv nor Alex felt the urge to laugh anymore. For a few seconds, the older women thought their friend had stopped talking, but it seemed that a lot had to get out, because she resumed her tirade.
"But you know and I know that I'm not a little girl anymore, right? And no one is comin' because it's too late. But what if… what if someone had done somethin' at the time? Maybe Kim wouldn't be like she is? Maybe… Maybe Patton… Maybe nothin' would have happened? Maybe I wouldn't be so empty and fucked up?"
Amanda wasn't really in the Cabot-Benson's living-room anymore, she was deep in her own head, all those what-ifs swirling around in her brain. Patton, the gambling, being used by her mother and Kim, nothing would have happened if someone had stepped in at the time, right? She was so tired.
"I.. I just wanted my parents to care. Anyone to care. To protect me. And you were so nice, and you even saved me from Patton and you took me and Frannie to live with you and I was so safe and so happy and then I woke up and… and… and you weren't there anymore and I was old again and I just wanted to curl up on your lap and I couldn't anymore and I just… I just…"
Words had gained momentum as she spoke, and flew out freely, soon joined by some tears. Alex and Liv waited for a minute, but Amanda never finished that last sentence. She was now silently weeping, her head down and her hands busy in Frannie's fur.
Without a word, the couple decided that making sense of all those bouts and pieces of information could wait, and Olivia put her hands on the knees in front of her, squeezing gently. Amanda put her hands on top of hers and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. But the day, and the alcohol, hit her hard, and helped her in an unexpected way: she fell asleep half sagged against the backrest of the couch, half on Alex.
"Did she... just fall asleep on me in the middle of a crying session?"
"Well, she's obviously very drunk, judging by the amount of information she just gave us. Can you picture Amanda Rollins showing any kind of vulnerability otherwise?"
"Or admitting she dreamed of us basically adopting her?"
Both women looked at each other and Liv blew out a short laugh.
"God, tomorrow is going to be the very definition of awkward..."
The two women half dragged, half carried a very passed out Rollins into the guest room, Frannie in tow. Once she was tucked into bed, the bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water within reach, Benson and Cabot were about to head out, when Frannie stopped them. The dog was whining and pawing at the bed, looking at them with the same pleading eyes her human used a few moments earlier to get some more tea. With the exact same result: Liv gave in immediately, patting the mattress near Amanda.
"Yes, girl, you can sleep with her. Yes, you're a good girl, who's a good girl? You're a good girl!"
Liv scratched Frannie under the chin and behind the ears, fussing over her with her doggy voice. Which was just her baby voice, but aimed at a dog. The good girl returned the affection, giving some friendly licks to her hands, before snuggling against her human and closing her eyes.
Alex was rolling her eyes from the doorstep.
"God, love, you're useless."
"But isn't it why you love me?"
"Oh, good. Useless and cheesy."
Liv pecked her fiancée on the nose and they both laughed softly on their way to their own bedroom.
After a quick shower, Olivia took a book and made herself comfortable under the duvet, while Alex put on a robe and readied herself for some work.
"I've got some papers to grade tonight if I want to enjoy our weekend", Alex informed Liv while leaning over for a kiss.
"It shouldn't take too long though, but I've been sidetracked."
"Oh please, professor Cabot, go grade your papers…"
Liv bit her lip before reaching up to kiss Alex again.
"Did I ever tell you how sexy professor Cabot is?"
The blonde chuckled, before throwing her hair to the side.
"Not enough, Sergeant Benson". And with that, Cabot blew her a kiss and climbed down the bed, swapping off Liv's hand.
"I need to go before I get sidetracked again."
After an hour, Alex was ready to call it a night, and was looking forward to some late cuddles before a good night rest. Untying the robe on the short way between the study and the bedroom, she stopped on the doorstep, surprised and worried at the sight that greeted her.
Olivia was crying, quietly, calmly even: the tears were just running out of her eyes. In an instant Alex was next to her, gathering the brunette in her arms.
"Liv… Love, what's wrong?" She punctuated her question with some light kisses on soft hair.
Benson laid her head on Alex's shoulder and closed her eyes.
"I'm fine, Al. I'm okay."
"Liv. You're crying. That's not my definition of being okay."
The brunette sighed deeply, snuggling closer and nuzzling a soft neck. She hummed, sliding an arm around her partner's waist. She loved being there, in that warm hug, surrounded by Alex's smell. She felt safe. She felt seen. She felt cared for.
"No, I promise I'm fine. I just got a bit overwhelmed earlier, because I know what Amanda means. I remember what it's like when the only thing you want is for your parents to take care of you. The emptiness it leaves... And I've played the "what if?" game more than I care to admit. I had that void with me for a long time. Before the police, before Elliot..."
"Tssss", Alex half scoffed, half snorted, her body unable to choose the best way to show her disdain for the man.
Liv ignored her, safe for a slight poke in the ribs, before going on.
"... before you, before therapy. She's not there yet, and… I guess I just relate. I know how it feels to wish for someone to whisk you away from a toxic place, long after you've grown out of it."
Alex's hug tightened, and the blonde laid down tiny kisses all over the head safely nestled on her shoulder. When she stopped, Liv opened an eye to see why, and then stretched her neck to offer her cheek.
Alex shook her head and obliged with a fond smile, peppering the soft cheek, and then the beautiful face, with more kisses.
The silence stretched out a while longer, the two women relaxing in each other's arms. Alex knew Liv told her the truth earlier. She was just a bit emotional, her own past and her empathy magnifying her feelings. The lawyer scoffed at herself: she should have seen it coming the moment Amanda mentioned her parents.
"I'm sorry you felt so sad, love."
"I'm okay now. I guess I just needed to cry it out a bit. The kisses did help though…"
Benson straightened herself a bit in order to kiss a chin and a perfect jawline, before pillowing her head on her wife's chest.
"And, for the record, I know how you feel about Elliot, and I know you're right. But after the way my mother treated me, even you have to admit it was an improvement. He had my back. The whole squad. I mean, Cragen could be a misogynistic ass..."
Alex snickered.
"Olivia... !"
"... but he genuinely cared."
Alex hummed in response, her hand buried in dark locks.
"And then, of course, there was you."
Liv paused at that, taking the hand in her hair to kiss it, earning another hum from Alex.
"Especially you. But Amanda... She escaped her family to fall right into Reynolds and Patton's hands. She didn't have an Alex. Fuck, she didn't even have an Elliot."
They stayed silent for a few more minutes, just savoring the moment, tracing random patterns on each other's skin, their bodies intertwined.
"But tomorrow, I'll have to talk to her. She can't go on like this, or it's not going to end well."
"That, that I want to see. You know the girl is going to deny anything even happened, right? She's probably going to apologize profusely, pretend she doesn't remember a thing, grab her dog and run for the hills..."
"Yeah... I agree it's probably going to be an uphill battle..."
"Olivia, there's no need to pause for effect when you make bad puns, please...", Alex groaned, then yelped when a finger poked her.
"... but I need to try…"
" Well, in preparation for this, I suggest we get some sleep."
The two women kissed, their little good night ritual, and fell fast asleep.
The sleep was short though, as something woke them up not even an hour later.
"Ugh. What now?", Olivia groaned, her voice muffled by the pillow.
"I think it comes from the guest room."
Indeed, they could hear some crying and whining coming from the hallway. Amanda and Frannie.
Alex got out of bed and shook her head at her fiancée.
"No, go back to sleep, I've got this. I take care of cute drunk Amanda tonight and tomorrow you'll deal with her hangover."
In the guest room, Amanda was panicking, still drunk. Where was she? Where was the light? How did she got into a bed that wasn't hers? Suddenly, there was light, and she recoiled against the headboard, squeezing Frannie tightly against her.
"Amanda? What happened?"
"I... huh. Alex?"
"Are you okay?"
"I... huh. I think I had a nightmare?"
Alex sat on the bed.
"Do you remember what it was?"
Still hugging Frannie, Amanda shook her head no.
"No. I woke up and I didn't know where I was and I couldn't find the light switch and... and I panicked. I'm sorry. Huh... Alex, I... huh... think I'm drunk."
"You think you're drunk. Hmm". Alex tried very hard, but ultimately, she lost the battle, and ended up laughing uncontrollably, confusing Amanda even more.
"Yes, yes sweetheart, you're very drunk. So how about you try to sleep some more, hmm?"
Her voice still full of laughter, she handed over the glass of water and some ibuprofen to her friend.
"And how about we try to soften the impact tomorrow morning? Drink this."
Once she was settled once more, Frannie by her side, Amanda looked sheepishly at Alex.
"I'm sorry I woke you."
"It's ok. I'm going to let this on", Alex answered, switching on the bedside lamp, "so you'll know where you are if you wake up again. And tomorrow, we'll bake you a cake. For your birthday."
"Hmmm. I love cakes", Amanda yawned, "chocolate cakes are my favorite. But my parents would not... my parents would nevah..."
"Did you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence again? You did. Unbelievable."