.

.

The barrier between master and shinki disappeared when Kazuma learned his real name.

"You want me to call you 'Kiyotsugu'?" Veena asked. This was before they were in a relationship. She looked surprised, as if despite everything that happened, she hadn't been expecting that. Kiyotsugu smiled apologetically.

"Forgive me, Veena. The name you gave me is precious to me, but for some reason, it doesn't feel like my name. I don't feel like someone named 'Kazuma.'"

Veena leaned back, thoughtfully. "That makes sense, I suppose," Veena said. She held her chin, thinking. "Now that you have your memories, you're less like a shinki and more like a human. Very well. In private I shall refer to your human name. Would you rather be called Hirano or Kiyotsugu?"

"Kiyotsugu," he said. His voice was hushed. Veena beamed up at him brilliantly.

xXx

.

Kiyotsugu was walking along the park. It was still early morning and there was still dew from the night before carpeting the grass. Yukine was sitting on the swings, his hands on the chains and moving listlessly.

"Haru," Kiyotsugu said, and Yukine lifted his eyes.

"Kiyotsugu-san."

Kiyotsugu gave him a small smile, then sat on the swing beside him. The metal from the chains squeaked a bit with their weight.

"How are you?" Kiyotsugu asked, finally. Haru shook his head.

"I'm okay," Haru said. "You?"

Kiyotsugu hesitated. "I'm also okay," he said. Haru nodded toward his chest.

"Your name is on the same place mine is."

"Heh. I hadn't noticed." Kiyotsugu smiled and Haru turned his head.

"Kiyotsugu-san-"

"Haru-"

They both stopped. "You first," Kiyotsugu said. Haru hunched his shoulders.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you," Haru said. Kiyotsugu shook his head.

"I should be the one to apologize for how I treated you," Kiyotsugu said. Haru nodded. They swung slowly on the swing, silently.

"It's weird though, right? Having all your memories?" Haru said. "I just keep thinking about everything that happened and my shitty-ass dad."

"I too keep thinking about my 'shitty-ass' brother," Kiyotsugu said. Their eyes met and they both laughed suddenly.

"Rekki is really cool," Haru said. He looked out into the playground. "Yato told me he never had a divine garment before. And it was really cool how you could change into an arrow or sword."

"Hm. I wonder what you would be, if Veena were to name you? Something just as powerful, I'd wager."

"I'm sick of people namin' me," Haru said, and Kiyotsugu nodded. They both rocked on the swings silently. "I'm glad someone else remembers their name."

"As am I," Kiyotsugu said. Haru dropped his hands on his lap again. And then,

"Hiyori thinks I should get a therapist," he said, and Kiyotsugu laughed.

"Iki-san said the same thing to me, as well," Kiyotsugu said. He lifted his head up toward the gray morning sky, feeling the cool breeze as it passed through the playground. "She's probably right. We both were hurt by our family."

"What was your brother like?" Haru said. Kiyotsugu sighed, quietly.

"Irresponsible," Kiyotsugu said. "Prone to gambling and drinking away his debts. Father was always angry with him."

"So that's why he gave you the family business?"

Kiyotsugu nodded. "I always had worked harder than him," Kiyotsugu said. He folded his hands quietly in his lap, sitting heavily on the swing. "I wish I could say he was drunk when he killed me. That he flew into a rage and didn't know what he was doing. But to be honest, it was calculated." Kiyotsugu's eyes flicked upward. "He asked me to come to the courtyard because he wanted to tell me something."

Haru didn't say anything. Kiyotsugu lowered his eyes, remembering. He remembered the argument; the righteous anger. "You're my little brother, how could you betray me?!" He remembered how he lurched forward and put his hands on him.

"I keep thinking about my dad," Haru said. Kiyotsugu turned. Haru gave him a little shrug. "He was a fucking piece of shit," Haru said.

"I can imagine," Kiyotsugu said.

"Can you imagine talkin' to a therapist, though? 'Actually, I'm not a human, I'm a shinki and I'm dead.'"

"They'd probably think we were psychotic," Kiyotsugu said.

They both imagined the color draining from the therapist's face and laughed again.

xXx

.

"Yato, can I ask you something?" Kazuma asked.

"What is it?" Yato said. Kazuma gestured helplessly.

"I'm thinking of confessing my feelings to Veena."

"Well it's about damn time!" Yato said. He jumped up, pointing at him. "You've been mooning over that stupid skank for centuries! I've been tellin' ya you should say something!" Kazuma blushed mutely while Yato sat back down on the tatami mat, clapping his hands on his knees.

"So," Yato said. His eyes flicked upward. "What made ya change your mind?"

Kazuma looked at his hands, which were folded on his lap. "I suppose it's because I no longer think of myself as a shinki."

"What? 'Cuz now you're a stray?"

"Because I have my memories." Kazuma lifted his eyes, meeting his. "It's hard to explain, and quite possibly hard to even understand fully, but ever since that line between my life and afterlife got diminished, I can't help but look at Veena as just another person. 'Kazuma' as a being was born the moment Veena named me. But I know now that isn't the case. I existed before then. I lived, I breathed. I think of myself as a man now, and when I look at Veena I can't help but hope she looks at me the same."

"Whoa, Kazuma! Look at you bein' all independent!" Yato said. Kazuma blanched. "No, no, Kazuma! That's good! It's good ya got a separate identity now. Maybe you'll actually get somewhere with the skank!"

"You think?"

"Yeah! Not unlike that servant girl who ditched ya when she got married-"

"Wha- you know about that?" Kazuma said. Yato clapped him on the back.

"I know everything!" Yato said. "And in case you're wonderin', the stupid skank knows all about it, too!"

"She does?" Kazuma blanched. Yato laughed.

"'Course she does! What, ya think a God's Greatest Secret is just knowin' your name and age? She totally saw your memories! Betcha she saw that part when you were cryin' in your sleep and felt sorry for you."

"That was a long time ago, I'm no longer in love with her."

"Ha!"

"And in any case, Yato, Veena is more important to me than that servant girl. I never even really spoke to her."

"Yeah you didn't," Yato said. "Ya just stared at her like a creepy stalker."

Kazuma bristled. "Yato-"

"Kidding! Geez, Kazuma, lighten up, that was like two hundred years ago."

xXx

.

The servant girl, the girl whom Kiyotsugu had fallen into a silent and hopelessly unrequited love, had joined his family's estate to apprentice with his father. The day she announced her wedding, Kiyotsugu had been eavesdropping behind a pillar, his heart shattering into a thousand pieces while the girl bowed deeply and thanked them for their generosity.

"The fuck is wrong with you?" his brother said, as Kiyotsugu moved mutely from room to room, eyes bright and glassy and fighting valiantly to keep them from watering. Kiyotsugu looked up at him miserably and his brother started laughing. "What? You really thought that girl would really want to marry you?"

His brother started laughing. Kiyotsugu lowered his eyes and shuffled away from him, his heart bruised and aching.

Two hundred years later, in a compound at the Far Shore in Takamagahara, Kiyotsugu looked at himself in the mirror. Taking off his glasses, he searched his face and saw for all the centuries that had passed, his countenance had not changed. He recognized the same eyes, the same brown hair, even the same furrowed brow he knew he got when he was worried. Centuries had passed but he was still the same.

"Kazuma?" Veena knocked on the bathroom door. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh, Veena." Kazuma straightened, putting on his glasses. "I'm sorry. I was just remembering."

Veena smiled. She stepped beside him, taking his arm.

"You are taking things very well," Veena said. She rubbed his back fondly. "I would have thought shinki who survived this would have trouble reconciling their identities."

"I suppose that's because fundamentally, I haven't changed," Kazuma said. He saw the question in her eyes and smiled. "There's no need to be worried," Kazuma said. "The name you gave me is still precious to me. I would never forget that."

Veena smiled and fondly shook his arm.

She was smaller than him. It's something that he was always aware of intellectually, but now seemed more pronounced to him. Her shoulders were narrow and her arms were lithe and slender, and he could smell the faintly floral scent of her shampoo.

He had the sudden urge to kiss her. To burrow his nose into her hair and hold her. He swallowed and got a hold of himself, looking away from her.

"How is young Yukine faring?" Veena asked. She was still holding his elbow. Kazuma shook his head.

"Haru-kun is adapting," Kazuma said. "Although to be honest, he's had it worse than I did. Yato told me he spent the last few weeks crying."

"Oh dear," Veena said. Kazuma shook his head.

"I can't even imagine it," Kazuma said. "Being locked in that refrigerator. It only took a few minutes for me, but it must have felt like hours for him."

"Humans do not live that long when they are being suffocated, Kazuma, you yourself should know this."

"But still." Kazuma looked at his hands. "It wasn't quick," Kiyotsugu said.

He thought of his brother strangling him again. Evidently Veena sensed his disquiet, stepping beside him and taking his hand.

Kazuma smiled. Veena smiled up at him, then wrapped her arms around him.

"Veena?"

"Yes, Kazuma?"

Kazuma gently pulled away from her. Veena frowned. "What is it?"

He took her hand in his, letting his thumb stroke the soft crease of her palm. "There is something I want to talk about," he said. She gave him a worried look.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong, it's just-" Kazuma hesitated. "Is it okay if we sit?"

"Oh, yes. Of course." Veena dropped his hand and took a seat on his bed. Kazuma hesitated. He looked at the chair in the corner and at the empty space beside her. Veena patted the mattress and smiled at him. "What is it that you want to talk to me about?"

"Yato told me you have all my memories," Kazuma said, sitting next to her. Veena nodded.

"I do," Veena said. Kazuma took a breath.

"Do you remember..." he tried to find the words. "Do you remember that servant girl who came to apprentice with my family? The girl who left to get married?"

"The girl you were in love with," Veena said. She nodded. "Yes, Kazuma. What about her?"

He focused on his hands. "What if...what if I told you I feel the same way for you as I felt for that servant girl?" He held his breath, steeling himself for her rejection.

Veena furrowed her brow. "Well I would be confused," Veena said. "I am a god. I am not a servant girl."

Kazuma blushed. "Yes I know, but-"

"Oh!" she said, brightening. "You mean in how you're always teaching me?"

Kazuma started to protest but she continued. "You spent your evenings teaching that servant girl to read. Yes I remember, of course. You've always taught me a lot of things," Veena said, smiling. She squeezed his hand fondly.

"Veena, no, that isn't- this isn't what I want to talk about."

Veena tilted her head. Kazuma took a breath, then took her hand.

"Veena, I loved her," Kazuma said. "I wanted to marry her."

Veena looked at him quizzically. "...Did you want me to help you find her?"

"What? No, that isn't-"

"-Because we don't know where in the cycle she's been reincarnated. She could be an old woman or even a very young girl. And I needn't remind you the risks if she were someone else's shinki," Veena added, as if it were patently obvious. "You may have weathered a God's Greatest Secret, but most shinki are unable to."

Kazuma shook his head. "I'm not expressing myself very well, so I'd like to try again."

Veena waited, confused. Kazuma took a breath.

"I love you," Kazuma said. "If you were human, I'd want to marry you. I'd want to have a family with you and spend the rest of my life with you."

"What?" Veena started to laugh. "Kazuma, what on earth are you talking about? Is this because you've regained your memories?" She was making fun of him and it hurt his feelings. "You speak as if we haven't crossed the centuries together, you already spend your life with me. And need I remind you, we already have a family of shinki. My word, Kazuma, you make it sound as if our connection is somehow lacking," Veena said. Kazuma shook his head.

"Veena, I don't think you understand-"

"You are telling me if I were human, you would marry me. But human marriage is only a pale imitation of what we already have."

"But humans marry each other when they love each other, but you don't feel that way about me."

"Of course I do," she said. "Kazuma I've always felt that way about you."

Her eyes met his. She smiled at him reassuringly.

Gods were incapable of loving humans. It was what he told himself, because the flipside would be even more wretched: that gods were capable of love, but Veena did not love him.

Somehow, the days spent with Yato came flooding into focus: all the hurt and misery and pain of his suffering, his utter despair after becoming a stray. He spent the centuries in her shadow just to be close to her; he thought of his guilt, and how he could never be someone worthy of her.

But now she was sitting close to him, taking his hand in hers and slowly rubbing the pad of her thumb over his knuckles. Her hand was warm and soft and her fingers pressed firmly around his. She smiled at him, and Kazuma ducked his head, squeezing his eyes as he started to cry.

"Kazuma?" Veena looked up at him, alarmed. "Kazuma, what is wrong? Why are you crying?!"

He tried to speak, but only started sobbing harder.

She wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek against his head. "I don't understand," Veena said, as Kazuma hugged her against his chest and sobbed against his shoulder. "Kazuma, why are you crying? Shouldn't you be happy?"

"Veena, I just...I never..." he sobbed and hugged her tighter.

"Oh dear." Veena stroked his head. "You work so hard. And I never gave you the proper amount of affection. It is my fault we've crossed the centuries together and you've somehow never known."

He lifted his eyes, which were red and swollen. His glasses were smudged; he pulled them off to swipe his eyes with his wrist, sniffling. "I'm sorry," he said. He smiled ruefully. "This is unbecoming of me. I didn't think I'd react like this."

"Neither did I. You are crying the way you did with that servant girl, Kazuma, but no one here is leaving." She dusted off his shirt, fondly. "This is my fault," Veena said. "All this time, I thought you knew my feelings for you. Didn't I tell you to never to leave my side? I'm only at peace when I'm with you."

Kazuma let out a rueful laugh. "Yato always did say we had a problem with communication."

"Mm. Well that idiot magatsukami is one to talk. Considering he absconded with my blessing."

"Veena I'm so sorry about that," Kazuma said. Veena took his hands.

"It doesn't matter," she said. She stroked his palm.

He took a shaky breath. "What do we do now?" he asked. Veena shook her head at him.

"I don't know," Veena said. "I'd never before embarked on a human relationship. I'm afraid you'd have to teach me," Veena said.

"I don't want to do anything that'd be uncomfortable for you," Kazuma said.

She smiled and drew him close. Shyly, she nuzzled the side of his cheek, then tilted her head so that their lips could almost touch. She leaned forward, then stopped.

"Is this what you'd want me to do?"

"I-" Kazuma's mouth was dry. "Only if you wanted to."

"I do," she said, and it was Kazuma's turn to shyly move forward. Their lips brushed briefly, before he looked away from her.

"Well?" Veena said. Kazuma smiled bashfully. She laughed. "Kazuma!"

"Sorry." Kazuma beamed at her. "I'd never kissed anyone in my human life."

Veena laughed. "I have all your memories, Kazuma. I know."