Part Two: The Long Silence

"Did you get the box?" I asked Kelly. "It was supposed to have arrived already. I'm sorry it's so late. It was supposed to have arrived on your birthday. I'm sorry I messed it up. Sixteen is an important birthday."

I was annoyed with myself again. I felt like I was letting her down for the billionth time.

"It's okay, it's coming a long distance. I'm sure I'll be here any time now. You didn't mess anything up if anything you've made it even more special. How are your classes going? Is the homework getting any better? I knew university was going to be hard, but your stories scare me," Kelly said.

Her chipper happy voice was the best thing about my day. It was always the best thing about my day.

"Yeah, I've got a study partner helping me make sense of things so it's getting a little easier."

"You sound tired Jennifer. Have you been sleeping at all?"

"Not really. I've had so much on my mind lately; I can't seem to fall asleep."

"Do you want to talk about it? I'm a great listener."

"Thanks Kelly but I've got it," I reply. It's not the first time she's offered to listen and it's not the first time I've declined. As close as I've become to Kelly, there was still one thing I was keeping from her. It was the same thing I was keeping from everyone. I wasn't trying to be shellfish; or elusive. I just wasn't sure what it was exactly yet and until I was, I didn't feel the need to share it with anyone. If and when I did figure it out, I would tell her, (right?)

The confusion followed me everywhere and no matter what I tried to do to push it away, the dilemma found new ways to return. My father set me up with another boy to date, another military brat named Sean. Much to my surprise Sean was handsome, not a jerk and not a douche. He was a fun guy that I found I had a lot in common with, it surprised me. I thought this might solve my dilemma. I thought maybe this time I would feel something, anything and be normal like the rest of them. That would make my father happy. That would make me happy, right?

"Will you go to bed early tonight then? Try to get some extra sleep for me?" Kelly asked, her concern clear in her voice.

"I can't. I have plans," I said without thinking.

"With whom? Are you going to do something fun?"

"With Sean, he's taking me out someplace. I'm not sure where."

"Who's Sean?"

"A guy my dad set me up with. He's actually a nice guy, we have fun together."

"Oh, so you've gone out a lot with him already," Kelly said with a distant flat tone.

I was confused by the sudden change in Kelly's voice, I didn't know what to make of it. I felt compelled to assure her. "Only a couple of times. It's nothing important Kelly, if it was, you'd be the first one to know."

"Oh, good. Is he handsome? Do you like him?"

"Um, yeah I think so. And I don't know."

"When's your date?"

"Later."

"I shouldn't keep you then."

"No, don't go Kelly. You're the only person I look forward to talking to all day. Please don't go."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now, tell me how your maggots are doing. I know you're running them ragged."

Kelly laughed and I smiled. I loved that laugh.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Heading to her parents' house for the weekend Kelly silently walked along side Carla lost in her thoughts about Jennifer. They reached the house and found it bustling with activity as her mom finished the prep on a large meal. Carla immediately went to see if she could assist with anything and Kelly went in search of her missing package. She quickly located it on her desk in her bedroom. She shut the door and carefully opened it as she did every parcel from Jennifer. Inside was a birthday card and two carefully wrapped presents. The card was small and simple, it read: Happy Birthday Kelly, Love Jennifer

The first present was a hand-blown glass mushroom of three different colors swirled together. It was beautiful. The second was a framed picture of Jennifer at a glass blowing class after making the mushroom showing it off proudly with a big smile.

"Her hair is so long. She's so pretty." Kelly sighed touching the glass over the photograph with her fingertip.

Kelly kissed the picture then promptly displayed it in a place of honor next to her bed. She went downstairs and went about the rest of her afternoon.

The evening Kelly waited until she knew Jennifer would be home from her date, Jennifer's Dad was extremely strict and being late for curfew was never permitted.

"Hello Jennifer?"

"Hi Kelly," Jennifer replied softly. It was late, Kelly thought nothing of it.

"I'm so glad you picked up. I was worried I might have woken up your mom or worse you dad."

"It's okay."

"What's wrong? You sound weird. Did something happen?" Kelly asked.

Jennifer burst into tears on the other end. Kelly was terrified.

"What happened? Please Jennifer, talk to me. Please."

"I can't. I can't. I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry. I have to go. I'm sorry Kelly."

"No, wait. Jennifer!"

It was too late; she had hung up. Kelly was crushed and confused. The pain in Jennifer's voice stayed with her. Something was terribly wrong with her friend and whatever it was Jennifer didn't feel safe or comfortable enough with her to share it with her and she felt horrible for it. Kelly began to question everything about herself to figure out why Jennifer couldn't confide in her.

The next day Kelly tried calling Jennifer only to miss her. The same thing happened for the next four days until Kelly was calling Jennifer's house frequently and regularly apologizing to Mrs. Stone for all the phone calls while quietly pleading for the woman to pass along messages to her daughter each one of worry and concern. At least she was assured Jennifer was alive and well. She just didn't know why Jennifer suddenly didn't want to talk to her.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I don't know how I'm going to do this.

I don't think I can. This is too hard.

I'm trying so hard. My father expects so much of me. I'm trying to make it work. I am.

Only…

Only there's Kelly. My best friend, the person I am closest to and yet furthest from. A single word from Kelly's mouth, a single glance at her picture and I am reminded of how deep I can feel. Of how excited I can get and how good it can feel to talk to someone who makes you happy. To attempt to force it with one else is like masturbation with a tree, it's possible but it'll hurt…a lot.

Trying to force it with Sean, hurts a lot.

I don't know how to talk to Kelly about anything anymore when half my life is wrapped up in hiding or lying—all the time.

It doesn't matter now. It's all over.

I slipped up. No, that's not right. I fucked everything up. That's better.

My life was over with a single kiss. I always knew it would be something, but I never thought it be over a kiss. Not something so small, so simple. So innocent. A party, a fun conversation with new people. I let my guard down. I got caught up in the moment and didn't run when she kissed me. It was my first real kiss. It was nice.

Someone took a picture. The picture was sent to my father.

I was yanked out of bed, out of sleep to my father screaming and my mother crying. They grilled me for over an hour, and I denied everything. Then my father disappeared. When he returned my heart sank into my stomach. He found it, a journal I thought I hid so well in a cut in the mattress. To see it in my father's hands, all my innermost private thoughts in his hands. It took all my will power not to puke on my own feet. My father screamed at me about his embarrassment as he forced me to pack. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to my brothers, they were sleeping.

My father silently drove me to the airport, gave me a little cash and didn't say goodbye.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I've never been away from my family before. I've never been on my own before. I don't know what to do.

I'm numb as I walk through the airport. I'm numb and zoned out entire flight. When I can think, it's only panicked, terrified thoughts of confusion. I don't know what I'm going to do now. My entire life plan is over. Even if I still wanted the military path my father wanted for me, now that he knows what he does about me, he'd never allow to join without protest.

What am I going to do now?

My aunt met me at the airport, she took me in. We didn't speak about why I was there.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know what I'm going to do about anything.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The phone rang waking Kelly up from a deep sleep. "Hello?"

"Kelly?"

"Jennifer! Thank god! I've been so worried."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I've had…some things going on lately. Look I can't talk long."

"Hey, where are you? You're not calling from the usual number."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not with my parents, I…I had to move. I've…. I've got some stuff going on. I can't talk about it. I just wanted you to know I was okay and I'm back in the states."

"That's great! That means I can come see you. Where are you at so I can plan a trip to come see you?" Kelly asked with open enthusiasm. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

"Jennifer? Are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. I'm sorry Kelly. Right now, is not a good time. I need some time. How about I call you back later okay?" Jennifer asked. She sounded like she had been crying for hours and it hurt Kelly's heart.

"Where Jennifer? Please."

"Washington."

"Thank you."

"I'll call you later Kelly."

"Okay, Hey Jennifer?"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever is going on, I'm here for you. No matter what. I'm your friend."

"I know, I don't want to lose you. You're all I have left. Bye Kelly."

The call ended and Kelly set the phone down. Her worry for Jennifer was tenfold. She turned to her picture of her friend and picked it up.

"Jennifer, please talk to me. I don't know what it is bothering you, but I know I could help. I know I could, somehow. I wish I could wrap you in my heart so you can feel all the love I feel for you then you wouldn't be so scared. But then you would know how much I love you and that it's more than just a friend. You're already dealing with enough you don't need your friends falling in love with you too." Kelly kissed the picture then set it back down.

A week later Kelly broke down and tried the phone number Jennifer had called her from only to find out it was a pay phone by a liquor store in a bad neighborhood. She had no way of getting ahold of her. Devastated all she could was wait and wait. And wait.