Authors note: So, I started this as a way to get my mind off of exams and wow, y'all actually read the first chapter? That's freaking crazy. I'm trying really hard not to think about the fact that I can actually, like, disappoint people now? My palms are sweaty.
Let me know what you guys think. Or not, I don't control you.
TW panic attacks, abuse.
If you find that there are any missing TW's or that I should add more specific ones, please let me know in the comments. I'd be more than happy to do so :) Enjoy!
Todoroki laid crumpled on the floor. He and his father had been training for hours. The young hero had hit his limit long ago, having already thrown up twice from pain and exhaustion, not that his father cared in the slightest.
The new number one hero loomed over him: his foul mood apparent. Shouto had given up any hope for mercy within the first hour and resigned to his fate once his body finally succumbed to quirk exhaustion ways later.
"To become the number one hero" Endeavor's booming voice called above him "You must go beyond your limits. Now stand, Shouto"
The younger of the two made a pitiful attempt to get up. His body might as well have been made from cement with the way it refused to follow his demands.
"I ordered you to stand!"
Shouto forced himself not to whimper as heavy footsteps made their way toward him. He braced himself, knowing what was next.
Pain exploded in his abdomen as an unforgiving boot connected, the impact knocking him on his back. He writhed in pain.
"You're weak" the voice taunted. "You're weak and pathetic" another blow made him see stars.
A hand pulled him by his collar, "It's no wonder you're a failure.", the phrase echoed in his mind.
The last thing he saw was a flaming fist descending towards his face.
-.-.-.-
Todoroki woke up all at once, practically roaring to life as panic flooded him like water freed from a broken dam.
He shot up, his fight or flight response alive and well, and screaming at him to just get out.
His body barely registered the pain his movements caused, no, he had much more pressing concerns, like figuring out how to force air back into his lungs and how to keep his heart from exploding.
He shut his eyes tight, effectively isolating himself from the world as it dissolved in the rush of heaving breaths and frantic heartbeats. Tight fists pulled at his hair as he pleaded with his body to just listen to him while he desperately tried to reign himself in. It was just a dream. He's okay. It was just a dream.
His efforts might have been fruitful had a hand not placed itself on his shoulder. The touch caused him to lurch backward, his back practically slamming against the wall and his feet kicking weakly at the floor, or was he on a bed?
He raised his arms instinctively, cursing himself when he felt them shake because suddenly he was five years old and so so so afraid.
He kept his eyes shut and waited, waited for fire, waited for pain, waited to be dragged towards another God-awful training session.
His stomach turned over and over; waiting was always the worst part.
Time stilled, making him frown. Sadistic as he is, it wasn't like Endeavor to delay training. He wasn't one for theatrics either.
It was curiosity that pried his eyes open, his gaze glued downward lest he bring forth more rage.
Slowly, he made sense of his surroundings. He wasn't in his father's house. That's right, he had come to UA looking for Midoriya. Which means…
Todoroki lifted his head and felt the blood drain from his face. His breathing stuttered once again, this time for an entirely different reason.
He wasn't in his family's home, he was in the dorms. Izuku was in front of him, his eyes filled to the brim with concern.
Despite the thoughts racing in his mind, Todoroki had enough clarity to realize that the concern strewn on Midoriya's features shouldn't be there. Not for him at least, there were far more deserving people in the world.
His mind scrambled for what to say – how to explain his pathetic display of weakness. He needed time, just a little bit of time to collect himself so he could be normal again.
"W-water" his mouth moved before his brain had a chance to catch up.
There was a moment of hesitation before a green mess of hair bounced a quick nod, towing its owner into a retreat.
Todoroki exhaled a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, it slightly catches on the way out.
He just needed a second to breathe.
-.-.-.-
Izuku was no stranger to panic attacks, having woken up more than his fair share of times in a blind frenzy, gasping, crying, and begging to be released from whatever hell his subconscious mind decided to rehash for him. So, he recognized, with gut-wrenching clarity, when his friend woke up in the same, all-too-familiar panic.
He had tried to calm him down; he had tried to repeat the soothing words he heard his mother whisper in the dead of night, hoping to persuade traitor lungs back to their normal function. It was wishful thinking, really, since he knew better than most that certain levels of panic cannot be coaxed away by something as intangible and plain as a promise of everything being okay.
Still, he hoped without reason and continued his steady stream of cooing, trying to get his best friend to at least uncurl from himself. The hero in him worried Shouto was aggravating his wounds with all his flailing. Those worries, to his horror, becoming justified as white bandages slowly began to stain red.
It wasn't until he reached out and practically burned Todoroki (based on his reaction) that his resolve wavered. Seeing the unadulterated fear in his classmate's usual aloof eyes, the way his body shook with terror, backing away like a wounded animal set for slaughter - Izuku had never seen Todoroki back down from anything, really. That and the quickfire succession of emotions he witnessed, from terror, to dread, to a defeated hopelessness, caused the vice around his heart to grip him so tightly, he choked back a sob.
At that moment it became frighteningly clear to Midoriya that the Todoroki he knew was a façade made to protect the Todoroki that lived and breathed in front of him. How could he not know? Todoroki had shared his upbringings with him, he told him how bad it was – what his mother had done to him, what his father still did. He knew how relentlessly the world had knocked him down. He kicked himself, how had he missed the signs? How many times would history repeat itself because of his inadequacy? How could he, a hero in training, let another friend suffer in silence while he stood by doing absolutely nothing?
Izuku left his hand outstretched, uselessly, stupidly, too afraid to make the wrong move.
Time stood still and he waited with bated breath, praying Todoroki's torment would end sooner rather than later.
His whole body relaxed when closed eyes began to peer at the world around them. His breath expelled and the constriction in his heart loosened ever so slightly. Todoroki was alert, at the very least.
Midoriya has an intimate knowledge of panic attacks. He knew the flood of shame and self-loathing that follows them like he knows his favourite song. So, when Todoroki strangled out a choked plea for "water", Izuku wasn't naïve enough to believe his friend was referring to the literal case of water glaring at them from the corner of his room. No, he took the message for what it was and reluctantly left, giving Todoroki the privacy to collect himself.
He wanted to be there for him, he really did. But he knew he just witnessed Shouto at his weakest, and if it were him, he would need some time too. So, he walked to the common room, analyzing what his next move should be and sprouting another mental checklist. The first two items were clear, he needed bandages and cold soba.
-.-.-.-
After his heart settled and the residual emotions lessened, Todoroki registered an intense throbbing. Gingerly, he began focusing on parts of his body, attempting to assess the damage without aggravating his injuries. He ached all over, aches no doubt worsened by the last ten minutes. Honestly speaking, It had been a while since he felt this bad.
Sighing deeply, he swung his legs off the bed and forced himself to his feet. He shut his eyes tight as the pain intensified, each stab, ache, and throb a cruel reminder of last night's events. With a steadying breath, he limped towards Midoriya's bathroom, forcing his mind to clear.
He gripped the sides of the sink as he tried to gather the courage to face his reflection, strands of red and white blocking his vision. With his head facing downward Todoroki noticed the carefully wrapped bandages on his hands and forearms. He was grateful for Midoriya's help, he really was. But he had no clue how he would face the boy next, let alone explain what happened. Dread seeped through the cracks of his hastily put-together mask.
He took another deep breath and dared to look up. His gaze met blank heterochromia eyes. The reflection staring back at him looked just as bad as he felt. Bandages and gauze littered most of his skin, some of them stained with fresh blood. Cuts and bruises adorned the sparse uncovered areas. Todoroki didn't recognize who stood before him, but then again, he never really did.
He looked away quickly, flexing his jaw. Whoever it was, he couldn't stand looking at them. They were weak and inexperienced. They always did the wrong thing, completely unable to just keep it together. And now, Midoriya, he –
He cut the thought short as he felt his heart spike. Midoriya would be back any minute and Shouto simply refused to gasp for air in front of him for a second time that morning. He ground his teeth, focusing on bandaged arms while trying to count his breaths. A teaching from his older sister. Inhale for four counts, hold for seven, exhale for eight. He repeated the process until the fog lifted.
Once he regained his composure, Todoroki pushed off the sink without sparing a second glance towards the mirror.
He figured he should just get it over with and assess his injuries. There's no sense in delaying the inevitable, and they were getting pretty hard to ignore. He took off his sweater. It took him a few beats to lower his gaze, his confidence still rocky from the lingering panic. Eventually, he surveyed the damage and of course, his treacherous heart faltered yet again.
It was bad, to say the least. Dark purple peeked through white bandages, angry and demanding attention. The dual user fingered his ribs, each probe shooting bursts of pain. There were breaks, more than one.
His chest and stomach were a preferred target for his father. It was the least likely place someone would see bruising, though as of late Endeavors' short fuse towards him had caused the pro hero to throw away such strategies.
He continued to poke at the bone, absentmindedly. Until –
"Todoroki! Y-you're up! Please, lay back down. You need to rest as much as you can!"
Shouto cursed internally, both at the voice and at the knowledge that Midoriya had seen his injuries. Not that it mattered, he was the one who bandaged him.
He donned his sweater and watched as a red-faced Izuku entered the room, still rambling on about the importance of rest.
"Midoriya," he said after a brief pause "about last night- thank you. I apologize for the trouble I caused you" he bowed forward despite his body begging him not to "A-and this morning. I'm sorry for worrying you," he said the last bit to the ground.
"Oh no, no!" Midoriya squeaked "It's no problem at all! I'm just glad you're safe and I'm honored you trusted me enough to help you. I'm sorry that I couldn't do more. I know I don't compare anywhere near to Recovery Girl when it comes to first aid, so uh... I'm sorry" there was another pause before he continued "And about this morning. I-I get panic attacks too, pretty often, actually. So you really don't have anything to apologize for."
Todoroki straightened and looked at his classmate. He had heard his friends refer to him as the 'sunshine boy' and a 'cinnamon roll', he should have guessed his reaction. Sunlight and treats typically don't harbor judgment towards others.
"Wh-what I mean to say is that panic attacks - or PTSD even - are common in the line of work we're getting into. N-not that you have PTSD! I'm not saying that you do, I m-mean not that it would be bad if you did. It's just that it's nothing to be ashamed of so you don't have to apologize, especially not to me"
The dual user watched the green-haired boy flounder, he couldn't help but find his ramblings the slightest bit endearing.
He let him continue for a bit while he wrestled internally with what to do next. He was injured, there was no getting around it. If he went to his dorm his father would surely find him and force him home for the remainder of the weekend, and he was not looking forward to it. But it's not like he had anywhere to go. He chewed it over, what were his options?
"There's no reason to worry, Midoriya" he reassured him. Todoroki was at a loss for what to say or do. After a moment of contemplation, he continued "I should be going now. I really do apologize for the trouble I've put you through. Thank you" he made his way to the door, his body objecting to his sudden movements.
"No!" The protest stopped Todoroki mid-step, his hand just inches away from the doorknob "I-I mean please wait" Midoriya amended "I…I'm not sure what happened to you last night, and I won't ask about it if you don't want me to, but I know you're hurt and need to heal. It's just… it's just that I'm worried about you, Todoroki. And if you stay here, I know you'll be safe. Please, stay."
Todoroki's eyes widened at the proposal. He turned towards his friend, searching for the correct response. He swallowed thickly, "Midoriya… I-I don't thi-"
"PLEASE!" Todoroki winced, his eyes shooting to the floor. He felt more than saw Midoriya making his way towards him and willed himself to stand still. "Just for a bit" the boy continued, softer now. "Just until I know you're safe. Please." A white plastic bag lifted into his field of vision "I-I brought cold soba"
Todoroki slowly let his arm fall to his side. He was exhausted, too exhausted to put up a fight. Wordlessly, he gave a sharp nod, his throat and mouth much too dry for a verbal confirmation.