I do not own Law & Order: SUV/Organized Crime or Elliot or Olivia.
He says, "I'm drowning…"
So am I. Every time he looks at me with those clear, deep blue eyes of his. Searching for some kind of salvation….
"Then take our hand. Grab onto us," I plead with him. I want him to latch on to me. It may have been a lifetime ago, but I cannot forget all the times he was
the only lifeboat for me, in countless stormy seas. I owe him one, maybe more than just one.
He says, "I know you're trying to help, you're all just trying to help. You're reaching out but all you're doing is pushing me further under. It's like a weight that is dragging me down."
Is that how he has really seen me all this time? After everything we have been through? That has been my one fear that he thought I was some "thing" holding him back, some unwanted anchor.
I see the scar on his face.
I have scars too, ones I have been wearing unseen since he left.
And he turns his back and there he goes walking out again. Leaving me, abandoning me with the pieces he just broke.
I should have known better. He's so selfish. I can't believe him.
I can't believe myself, that I let myself be this vulnerable to him again.
How can I let him hurt me, how can he wound me so easily still? I realize he still has that "power" because I feel the proof of unshed tears beginning to sting my eyes.
I try not to let the kids see. They asked for my help. I didn't want to let them down.
If I thought he would be different, that he had changed, I was disappointingly wrong.
Now, I'm angry. He did the worst thing he possibly could. He loves me, he says? Some nerve.
Some things may be better left unsaid.
I am furious with Elliot Stabler, because with that "begrudging" perhaps accidental admission of his, I know the truth I'd been trying to deny. I know why I'm here.
I love him too. Somehow, I haven't stopped loving him after all this time.
I certainly don't need him to pull me under anymore than he already has either.