A fancy black and white bedroom is such a contrast from my plain, small one. This is the first time I've been in Kamukura's room for anything besides simply checking in on him. Now he actually wants me in here. It's all so weird. Hm... I'm not sure what role I'm supposed to play now. What does he want from me? Taking our shoes and jackets off by the door, it almost feels like love suite. The room is fancy enough besides the unmade bed.
Without saying anything, Izuru sat down on his tall, fluffy bed. Grey sheets bring out how dark his hair is. He motions for me. Sitting on the corner of his bed, being sure to not be too close so he doesn't get annoyed. There's so much I could say, but I have no idea what to do. I've dreamt of an opportunity like this. Now that it's really happening, I'm lost. My mind is going in circles. Does he want to hit me or something? I'm so confused. Maybe he'll confess his feelings only to reveal it's a joke. Uh... It's been too long since I've said anything. "What do you usually think about when you lock yourself up in here?" Probably not the best question I could ask.
"A lot of things. Mainly I think of pointless things or sometimes about what the future could hold. I have a habit of overthinking everything to a ridiculous point." Izuru's answer is similar to what I was expecting. Overthinking? I'm the master of that! I suppose that makes sense for him too. "Tell me, Komaeda. Do you have any dreams for your future?" He asks while making himself more comfortable. The future...? "Honestly, I don't have much of one. It's a miracle I'm even here." I say that, without knowing where to go with it. It's been so long since I've been diagnosed. "Every morning, I have a moment where I come to terms with not dying in my sleep. Hopeful, at first. Then there comes the knowledge I could die any time in the day or in my sleep later at night. It's a cycle." I don't know why I'm being so honest. Maybe I should've lied, saying I want a family or something. No, he'd see through it.
Izuru keeps looking straight at me with those pretty eyes. A strangely comforting feeling. "Knowing you, you do not fear the dangerous situations we face every day. Instead... How about you explain it to me? I would rather not jump to conclusions so fast." His voice being the same as ever, it only reassures my idea that he probably won't respond to the knowledge of my sicknesses. He'll also be the first person I've hold since joining hope's peak. "I have Frontotemporal Dementia and Malignant Lymphoma. I should've died right around the time I came to hope's peak, but my luck is letting me get by!" I use a calm, almost happy voice. I'm used to it, sure, but the fake carefree attitude was mainly so the verbalization of it doesn't make me upset.
A flash of concern went over Izuru's face. It quickly goes away, but there's no way I'd imagine that. I would've missed it if I looked over a second later. Oh no, did I make him upset? Maybe I should say I was kidding. "I'm sorry. That sounds difficult." His tone stays the same, although the flash of concern from a second ago is haunting me. "No, it's not really. I don't have anything to live for anyway. No family or parents. Just a lot of worthless money and luck." Even though, not even a few minutes ago, I originally thought I needed to impress the legend himself, now I can only feel like this opportunity of telling the truth is making us closer. "Is there anything you would want before you pass?" He asks with his eyes looking at me. This time, he's practically looking for something. Maybe he's noticing how sickly I really am.
"Haha. I know it's cheesy and unrealistic, but I want to know what it's like to be loved by someone." I can't look at him while saying this. So, I look at the black floorboards. "For someone to actually love me for myself and genuinely mean it... I want to know what that's like. I want to die knowing my life had some meaning, even if it's just for one person." I mean all of it. I don't know why I was saying all of that to someone who's perfect and kind enough to spend time with a talentless servant. There's no way he actually wants to hear my depressing nonsense. Before I could apologize, he said: "I can understand in a way."
I look at perfection himself. Izuru makes eye contact with me again, something he's good at today. "As selfish as it may seem, I want to know what that would be like as well. My reasoning is different than yours. Being an experiment, I am well aware people like Enoshima will pretend to be interested in me only to use me, my status or my talents. In the end, I know that is all I can truly offer, since I am nothing emotionally. Maybe someday, I can understand emotions better. An atypical family with that person and some pet cats would be peaceful to me. I believe that my boredom will never truly leave, yet that life would at least make it bearable." Izuru says all of that with no expression. I... I can't believe he's opening up to me. Admittedly, it's a lot to take in and I have so much to say... Quick!
Finally moving closer, my chain makes some noise as I move across the bed. "You're not just your talents or status! Kamukura, I know I've been annoying and always complimenting those, but I know that you're nicer than a lot of people would ever guess. I'm sorry I've brushed that aside. I mean, I asked for you to use me and instead you saw me as a human... I don't think that's happened to me since the tragedy. Only a bit of practice and I know you'll be an amazing husband and cat dad one day!" As I speak, I hold his cold hands. I shouldn't be touching him at all. Realizing what I'm doing, I let them go. "Sorry..." Unexpectedly, Izuru cracks a small smile. Something so sweet and pure that it'll forever be ingrained in my memory. I almost point it out, but I don't want him to stop that cutely innocent smile. The first time I ever saw him show any emotion so bluntly. "Thank you, Nagito. I needed that."
My first name? When he Izuru says my name, the more assured I get that he's being meaningful. His smile fades away, but the positive feeling doesn't. "One day, I am sure someone will come to appreciate your interesting ideology." With a smile, I nod to his words. My heart and mind feel at peace for the first time in years. Everything is going to be okay. My mind is going to play his smile and him saying my first name on repeat. "Komaeda, I do not think you will succome to your illnesses anytime soon. My good luck can outshine your bad luck. I promise that you will stay alive even after you find someone worthwhile." I can only stare at him. He knows. Of course he knew that my bad luck cycle is thrown off with him around. That's one of the reasons I feel okay around him.
"Was that strange to say? I apologize."
"No. I'm just... surprised. I knew you'd clue in on my terrible cycle. I didn't think anyone else would try to understand it."
A small yawn came out of Izuru before he can say anything. How long have we been talking? I'm probably keeping him up. Getting off the bed, I get ready to leave. "Oh, sorry. You should sleep. I'll go back now. Thank you for listening to my nonsense. Y-" With a light catching of the chain, Izuru stops me in my tracks. His gaze on his hand that holds it. "Again, I apologize if this is strange, but would you be comfortable cuddling with me? I want to get used to physical touch." I must be dreaming. This night can't possibly get any better! My huge smile is probably too overwhelming for him.
"You're okay with cuddling someone so pathetic?" I ask that to cope with the shock. "What did I say about saying negative things about yourself?" Izuru lets go of the chain. Ugh, I'm so dumb. How could I forget? Without verbally answering him, I hug him. He tenses up for a second, before easing into it. After a moment of adjusting, we end up cuddling like he wants. I lay on him with my head on his chest. Gently, his hands play with my hair. I'm sure he can hear my heart beating so happily. In contrast, his heart is calm and steady like a metronome. I want to look at his face, but I'm afraid that if I move he'll stop playing with my hair. Putting the covers over us, I feel it all build up. Being touch starved for years, the venting eariler, the connection, all of it, it's too much. Finally, after so long, I feel genuinely happy. I'm not scared of the bad luck to come from this. I don't think I've ever cuddled anyone, not even my parents as a kid.
"Why are you crying? Am I doing something wrong?" Izuru asks, making my thoughts stop flooding. Huh? When did I start crying? "No, you're great. I'm just so happy. Thank you, Izuru." I say his first name, knowing I shouldn't. It feels so right to say it. Continuing to pet me awkwardly, I realize he doesn't know how to deal with my crying. Time to change the subject. "Eariler, you said you wanted to have pet cats. Dogs are better." I wipe away my tears. Izuru shook his head. "You can think that, even if it is wrong." He spoke in his monotone way, although I think that was an attempt at humor. 'We could have both pets' is what I think, but I won't push my luck too much. We cuddle in silence. I finally feel safe. I can't help but fall asleep.