Part 2: THE ERRANT ERRAND
"See ya later dad!" Nuffink called out as the door closed, leaving Hiccup alone in the house with their two cats. Their very demanding two cats who were both watching him from the stairs as if to say "Tuna now Human,"
"Oh come on! I just fed you guys!" Hiccup grumbled at the pair which only earned him a meow back.
"No, you are not getting thirds. If Astrid wasn't in Hong Kong you wouldn't have even gotten seconds!" Hiccup muttered. It was usually Astrid that fed the cats and since she was on a business trip that job fell to Hiccup. To the very same Hiccup that was weak against their cats and gave in… a lot. Astrid had called him a floofball pushover… but to the cats, he was probably their favorite slave. "Why am I even talking to you guys? Not like you can answer back." He was responded to with two meows as Toothless and his girlfriend went back upstairs to do whatever cats did.
"Ugh, what to do now?" Hiccup muttered as he quickly did the dishes leftover. He was categorizing what to do for the day. He had a meeting at 2 PM with a client in Italy but that was about it for the day. It was great being his own boss. Over the years Hiccup had amassed quite the clientele and it showed. They were able to pay off the mortgage to their house a few years ago and some investments were made. Since before moving to the suburbs he and Astrid had also poured about twenty percent of their wages into the kids' college funds. Zephyr wanted to go to an Ivy league school though she wasn't opposed to checking out other universities and community colleges nearby. If they had the means for it then of course they would support their daughter financially. Then a scholarship could go to someone else who'd need it more. Nuffink was a bit more unsure. He didn't see the appeal of college and instead wanted to start working after High school, though Nuff was still a bit indecisive.
After Hiccup had finished the dishes he put away the apron he'd been wearing and picked up his phone to see a text from Astrid. There was around an eleven-hour difference between them until she could come home at the end of the week so Hiccup read that she had just finished all of her meetings…. Which happened to be totally boring in Astrid's opinion… and that she was currently imitating a starfish on her hotel bed, debating if she should make a quick run to the convenience store for food or just laze in the jacuzzi.
He was texting her back and when he looked at one of the living room windows he nearly shrieked for Dagur's face was plastered against one. Hiccup quickly sent off his text before rushing to the door and opening it. "What in Thor's name are you doing?!" He asked while frowning. Not only because Dagur was plastered against his window but because he was in one of Astrid's rose bushes that she had carefully cultivated over the years. His wife couldn't cook without alerting the fire department but she had a wicked green thumb.
"Dagur get out of there! You aren't even supposed to be out of bed!" Hiccup ordered as his neighbour pouted but complied. Dagur shimmied out of the bush with some difficulty and that was another reason why it was odd that he was here. Two days ago Dagur had slipped and twisted his ankle badly enough that he was ordered to bed rest and had been given a crutch.
"Brother! I'm so glad to see you!" Dagur greeted which caused Hiccup to tense. Every time Dagur called him brother he needed something. Most of the time it was something ridiculous or trivial like calling Hiccup up, shrieking that a giant spider had invaded his bathroom the weekend Astrid, Mala, and Heather went to a spa retreat. Hiccup had arrived in record time clutching Astrid's axe and he was greeted by the sight of Dagur in a pink bathrobe and fuzzy slippers pointing at his bottle of moisturizer where said 'giant' spider was. The really small spider was easily dispatched and Hiccup trudged back to his house, axe leaning against his shoulder.
"What do you want this time?" Hiccup sighed as he asked.
"You gotta help me out! I'm going crazy in that house!" Dagur grabbed Hiccup by his arms and shook him a bit. "Crazy I tell you! Mala said I have to stay in bed but I can't anymore. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES ONE CAN WATCH RERUNS OF DESIGNING WOMEN AND GOLDEN GIRLS WITHOUT GETTING BORED?!"
"Do you want me to get killed?!" Hiccup hissed as he tried to pry Dagur off of him. "Mala and Astrid talk. If they find out you weren't in bed and I helped you I'll be on the chopping block!"
"PLEAAAAASEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Dagur pleaded. "There is only so much I can take. I have cabin fever and me sitting in front of a TV watching Full House is not helping!"
"Have you tried watching Colombo?" Hiccup asked as Dagur shot him an unimpressed look.
Hiccup then sighed and ran a hand through his auburn hair before muttering "I have to go to the Supermarket. I guess a little outing isn't so bad."
"YES!" Dagur cheered.
"But…" Hiccup added only to have his neighbour respond with an "Awww,"
"But Mala can not find out about this." Hiccup finished saying. "She nearly killed me because I fed you Shepards pie when you were supposed to be on a diet."
"As I said to her, I don't need a diet. Sure I got some…. pudge over the years but it isn't that bad." Dagur uttered. "Some people dig the dad bod,"
"And what did she do after you said this?" Hiccup crossed his arms and raised a brow.
"She put me on a diet," Dagur admitted.
"Right," Hiccup said as he clapped Dagur on his shoulder. Both men already knew that sometimes, most of the times..., an increasingly large amount of the time…., there was no contradicting the missus. "Let me just wash up and write up a grocery list and then we'll be off. Make yourself at home." He said before departing up the stairs.
Dagur was left along with Toothless who was just staring at him from the kitchen. "Why hello T!" Dagur greeted enthusiastically. Toothless meanwhile turned around and walked away with all his feline grace.
When Hiccup returned he was wearing a dark green polo shirt with beige khaki pants. "Dude, you've gone native. I didn't realize it 'till now." Dagur commented.
"What?!" Hiccup frowned.
"I mean look at you. How could I not have noticed it before. Your outfit practically screams suburban dad. You don't even need the neon sign anymore." Dagur made a hand motion.
"You just gestured to all of me," Hiccup commented with a raised brow.
"Yes, yes I did." Dagur nodded. "You've seen Stephord wives right?" Upon Hiccup's nod he added "You totally got suburbanized."
"I don't think that's a word." Hiccup muttered.
"I say it is!" Dagur defended.
"Well what about you?" Hiccup then asked.
"What about me?" Now it was Dagur's turn to frown.
"Dagur, I don't think you noticed but you are wearing sky blue shorts, a white collared shirt and a salmon pink sweater vest. The only thing missing is a sweater to tie around your neck." Hiccup retorted.
"Oh, I left that on the couch in my living roo-OH MY THOR! I'VE BEEN SUBURBANIZED!" Dagur came to the realization with a wail and then added "This vest does not go with my hair!"
"Come on, I haven't got all day," Hiccup rolled his eyes at Dagur's freakout since these were fairly normal over the years. He locked his house, set the alarm, and helped Dagur climb into the passenger side seat of his minivan, while putting the crutch on the back seat.
"So what do you need to get?" Dagur asked as Hiccup pulled out of the driveway. To answer he handed Dagur a list that was written on a 'Hello Kitty' notepad.
"Hmm… Garlic, Potatoes, Onions, Honey, a new set of kitchen knives?!" Dagur gave Hiccup a weird look.
"Don't forget the pineapple juice. I'm making Hawaiian chicken tonight." Hiccup stated.
"You know what, I'm not even going to ask why you need a whole new set of kitchen knives." The other grumbled as he kept reading.
Hiccup was driving along the suburb and Dagur, being Dagur, couldn't take the silence anymore so the man switched on the radio. "Is that yodeling?!" Dagur asked as he noticed a CD still inserted.
Hiccup blushed as Dagur put the CD away and then set the radio on the Golden Oldies channel. "Now this is what I'm talking about!" Dagur said as a familiar beat played causing him to start to sing along in his best Britney Spears impression to 'Baby one more time,'.
'Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know. That something wasn't right here?...'
When Hiccup finally reached the Supermarket Dagur had given him a rendition of the Spice Girls 'Wannabe', Celine Dion's 'My heart will go on, Wham's 'Wake me up before you go', and he had just started singing Aqua's 'Barbie girl'.
'I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere…..' Hiccup interrupted Dagur's song when he shut off the engine after finally finding a parking spot.
The shopping went pretty well though Hiccup did note some odd looks, especially when he commented on Dagur having a nice pair of cantaloupes. The man had been holding them up for Hiccup to inspect in the produce section and the odd looks had come from the pair of ladies Hiccup passed as he was addressing Dagur. They ended up buying both cantaloupes and belatedly Hiccup facepalmed as he realized that the girls thought his comment was directed at them. He now felt like a total dunce for not having realized it sooner.
Hiccup's cart was slowly filling up, especially when he added a sack of potatoes. Dagur was just merrily following along, happy to be out of the house. Hiccup was tapped on the shoulders and when he turned he saw Dagur motioning to something. "Do you see the curves on that pretty thing?" The man asked with a smirk. Hiccup looked and nodded.
"Uhuh…..," Hiccup nodded. "I can probably bounce an egg off of that,"
"I mean she is…. FINE!" Dagur wolf-whistled.
"The new marble kitchen counters are just….. Perfect," Hiccup sighed.
"Dagur… when did we reach the age where we think countertops are sexy?" Hiccup then asked.
Dagur just shrugged and then said "Dunno, but you have got to admit that is some pretty marble."
"True, true," Hiccup agreed. "You think Astrid would agree to a remodel?"
When Hiccup and Dagur finally stood in the line for the Check out nearly an hour later there was some commotion behind them. At first neither paid it any mind as it was probably some angry customer again. Though they did notice it when someone dressed in a dark hoodie tried to push past the line they were in and jump the barricade. Now the shouts of "THIEF" were heard clearly and Hiccup reacted on instinct. He grabbed an onion from his cart and hurled it at the fleeing figure, hitting them right on the head and causing them to fall down as store security pounced on them.
"Uhm… oops…" Hiccup said as he really hadn't meant to throw the onion. It was sort of a reflex he got when living with his wife.
"Hiccup…."
"Dagur…" Hiccup responded.
"They are going to call the cops aren't they,"
"Yes," Hiccup responded again.
"Mala is probably going to be on the scene….."
"Most likely,"
"If not her then a deputy she's close with…."
"She's close with all the deputies," Hiccup muttered.
"Yes," was all Dagur could utter.
"Mala is going to find out I wasn't in bed today isn't she?" Dagur then asked.
"Yes," Hiccup responded.
"I am the sea, calm and wide, my sense of calm comes from the inside," Dagur started chanting as he struck up a yoga pose right then and there. "I am the sea, calm and wide, my sense of calm co-Oh who am I kidding. I'm a dead man walking aren't I?!"
"Highly likely, yes," Hiccup just responded.
"Can I hide out at your place?" Dagur then asked.
"I'm getting killed alongside you! There is no place to hide!" Hiccup nearly shrieked.
"AH, fiddlesticks," Was the only thing Dagur muttered as the faint sound of police sirens could be heard in the distance.
The End
AN: For those that have been wondering, yes, this story is a part of the Domestic Hiccstrid fics I have been uploading. They all occur within the same AU. I write them whenever inspiration hits.
The fics available, and part of this AU, so far before this one, are:
Suburban Shenanigans
Neighbourhood drama
The violent cases of Momma-dragon Astrid (oneshot)
Bumps in the road (oneshot)