Chapter Two: Wild Water Woes
Chris: [narrating] Last time on Total Drama Destiny; eighteen contestants came on board for a journey around the world, some hit it off pretty well, others not so much. Old adversaries reunited with the tension just as present as ever, wouldn't mind seeing a few more burns myself. [chuckles] Meanwhile, some came with the goal to make themselves out to be more than meets the eye, namely Thomas O'Malley and Scat Cat kicking off the musical in style, but we'll see if they can live up to what they preach. Same goes for Dodger pushing his luck with a pair of gangsters, someone's feelin' ballsy. Meanwhile, we made our first stop in the Swiss Alps, a land of snow, ice, and pneumonia! Our contestants had LOADS of fun in the frigid temperatures, from skiing to tobogganing, you'd think we were giving them a vacation! [chuckles] In pure Swiss-style, Team Daredevil managed to pull off a win, with Team Siamese ending up as the first losers to go to elimination. With all her laziness and general disdain to be around, it's no surprise that Suri Polomare was the one to take the Drop of Shame, but not before I had me a lil fun setting her up. Look at her face, it's priceless! [laughs heartily before the scene cuts to Chris sitting in the cockpit with Chef] Oooooooh, comedy gold! Today; find out who's gonna sing, who's gonna dance, and who's gonna sell out their friends for a chance at one million dollars! Right here, right now on Total...Drama...Destiny!
[cue theme song, the episode continues]
[scene shows Teams Siamese and Cajun sitting on opposite sides to one another in economy class]
Cajun: [as a rat slips past his legs] Hey! Come 'ere, vermin! [pulls a rolling pin out of nowhere] I need ya' for ma' spicy rat casserole! [begins to pound the floor as he tries to catch the rat]
Daria: If he's cooking, I'll be off to the restroom with a spare bag of peanuts.
Jane: I wonder which poison I'd take first; something made by a former prison cook or something made by a bug-eyed psychopath.
Daria: Look at it this way; which one will use you as an ingredient?
Jane: Point taken.
El Jefe: [looks at Cajun still knocking at the floor with a twitching eye as the rolling pin only just misses his foot. He extends out his arm sharply around the fox's neck and looks him dead in the eye] Keep it up and I'll squeeze you like an orange…
Cajun: [gasping for breath] I...I...okay, big guy, just...lemme breathe…
El Jefe: [growls] Fine…[drops Cajun on the ground and the fox pants heavily with everyone watching with wide eyes as the tiger gruffly stands up and walks off]
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: [with his paw buried in his face] I swear to God, if that crazy fox continues his little "thing" to make anything into a meal, I will not hesitate to show him the door...without a parachute. [groans] Losing on the first day was bad enough, worse still, I have to share it with a certain someone whose name I shall not mention.
Sly: [appears upside down from the hatch on the ceiling] Gee, I wonder who that could be.
El Jefe: You…[tightens his fists]...in the next three seconds, you had better crawl your little tail back into the shafts from which you came before I physically harm you.
Sly: Awww, you don't mean-
El Jefe: [extends out his claws, causing Sly to cut himself off and zip off with the hatch shutting, leaving the feline scowling] I hate him...
[static buzzing]
Leshawna: [as a bit of turbulence rattles through the room] I swear, if this ends up bein' like Team Victory all ova' again, I'll neva' get to experience first class.
Starlight: Well, considering we're already off to a rough start, we'll need a miracle not to end up back here for a second time.
Si: For one thing, it's absolutely disgusting back here.
Am: Unfit for service. [raises her legs above the ground]
Sly: I mean, it's not all bad, you got a front-row seat for entertainment.
Cajun: [coughs as he rubs his neck] Damn...that's a strong grip…
Doggie: [shifts away slightly from El Jefe] Uhhhh, nothin' personal, big fella, I just need me room ta' breathe…
Spitfire: See, this is exactly the kind of thing that's gonna get us nowhere in the long run! We're a team and we need to act like it!
Jane: And how would you suggest that, oh grand leader of ours?
Spitfire: For one thing, cut it with the attitude and get your gears grinding, you can't expect to last long in a competition like this with only your wits.
Daria: You'd be surprised with how not trying to outdo everyone has its advantages.
Spitfire: [facepalms] Ugh…
[static buzzing]
Spitfire: It's like these people have never heard of something called "physical activity." Daria and Jane are the kinds to sit on the bleachers for the entirety of gym class, Cajun's too caught up in whatever weird recipes he tries to make, and I've got my eye on that El Jefe...Doggie's at least got some athletic credibility to his name...[sighs]...looks like I'll be carrying this team on my back if I have to.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to the first-class section where Team Daredevil is taking in the luxuries of their current situation]
Thomas: [as he pops a piece of gourmet chocolate in his mouth from the platter to him and the others by the stewardess] Mmmmm...now this is livin'...a cat could get used to this…
Scat: [stretches out on his reclined chair] Aaaaaaaaaaaah, these seats pull back like a Godsend...hooooooooo, I could stretch like taffy…
Dodger: [sitting on the opposite side to the two felines] How about you show us more? I'd love to see dat bod a' yours stretchin'~
Thomas: Heeeeeey, hittin' on my beau, are ya'?
Dodger: But of course not, whatever gave you that idea, sweetcheeks? I wouldn't wanna rustle feathers so soon, especially since I wanna keep the peace between the three of us.
Scat: Whateva' do ya' mean by that, slick?
Dodger: Oh, you know, given...events...namely the day before…
Thomas: Oh, yeah...that…
Dodger: Yeah...never knew the two of you to hold so much...baggage.
Thomas: Well, I admit, maybe it was a little too straightforward…
Dodger: Ah, no, not at all. I'd say you got the message across pretty clear.
Scat: You...goin' somewhere with this?
Dodger: Well, in a sense, yes, I was hoping the three of us could get to understand each other better, should you consider…
Thomas: Are you suggesting...an alliance by any chance?
Dodger: Call it what you will, I just want us to head into the game knowing we can trust one another, let me earn that trust by hearing you out and whatnot.
Scat: Well...I suppose you've got somethin'...we'll think about it.
Dodger: Good to know, cool cats. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna…[groans as he stretches himself]...catch back a break on these seats…
[static buzzing]
Dodger: Looks like I got myself a good deal, get the jazz cats on my side, we've got half the vote on our side. Though I'm not lying when I said I wanted to hear them out, I can see that it's not been easy for the two of them, so I won't push the boundaries and whatnot, I'd rather keep myself in their good graces.
[static buzzing]
[from the bar, Roscoe, Desoto, and Lightning Dust are sitting with a variety of drinks on the counter, the two Dobermans looking intently at their teammates several feet away, particularly Dodger]
Roscoe: I spy with my little eye something that could be used to our advantage.
Desoto: Is he snarky, ugly, and makes you wanna beat the shit out of him?
Roscoe: Hmmm, two out of three, not bad…
Desoto: Whatta ya' mean by that?
Roscoe: Oh, nothing. But still, I can see the look in his eyes, he's trying to butter up those cats.
Desoto: Which means...that son of a bitch is tryin' ta' pull the rug from underneath us.
Roscoe: Not if we can match his little game pound for pound. After all, he's only got three votes out of six on his side. We force out the tiebreaker, we'll be locked solid for success.
Desoto: Ahhhh, I like the sound of this.
Lighting Dust: Sooooooooooo, I hear me a plan's in action about the vote? Well, if you count me in, you'll have half and half, three against three. What do you say?
Roscoe and Desoto: [look at one another...before silently nodding]
[static buzzing]
Roscoe: Dodger might think he's stealthy and all that jazz, but little does he know that things are about to change. This ain't New York anymore, this time, it's cold, hard competition, and unless he wants to end up falling from 30,000 feet, he'll be wise to watch his step.
[static buzzing]
Desoto: I didn't forget that nose jab from yesterday, I wonder how smug that little prick will be if I "return the favor", so to speak. This is our turf now, so he'd better watch himself.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to the cockpit]
Chris: [pulls up the intercom] Attention, passengers, for our next destination, we'll be traveling to the city of Acapulco, Mexico; one of the country's oldest beach resorts and what used to be a popular tourist resort, but now it's the sight for gang wars, local police stealing money by extortion, AND they might threaten to put you in jail. Doesn't that sound fun?
Daria: Oh, yeah, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my tropical vacation.
Jane: And here I was thinking my sentence was over from when you and Quinn pulled out of the slammer. Guess I spoke too soon.
Doggie: Shame, really, I've been ta' Acapulco myself all dos years ago and things weren't as bad as they are now. I wonda' whatever coulda happened.
El Jefe: Hmph, I don't see what the issue is, police have always been corrupt bastards, kudos to them for proving my point.
Spitfire: Except some of us don't want to be detained for no reason, or robbed of our possessions.
Sly: Well, that shouldn't be an issue for me, no police have ever been able to catch Sly Cooper.
Starlight: You sure about that? If I recall, you let yourself be taken in by a certain inspector, you know, after the two of you formed a relationship off of lying to one another, which didn't last, unsurprisingly.
Sly: Um...yeah...that…
[static buzzing]
Sly: Okay, I'll admit, what happened between me and Carmelita was...messy to say the least, and I'll concede getting into a relationship with her in the way that it happened wasn't the basis for lasting long-term. Also, you could say I came to my senses realizing that being on the side of the law just doesn't fit my style. I mean, you ever put on a pair of pants after years of being bottomless? [shudders]
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to the plane flying overhead the city of Acapulco. It then cuts to the contestants standing atop a cliff overlooking the sea]
Chris: If there's one thing Acapulco is known for, it's La Quebrada, famous for its divers having to calculate the right moment to jump to catch an incoming wave. Because if you don't, you'll either be seriously injured or even die.
Daria: You'll make sure to edit that out in the final cut, won't you? Wouldn't wanna get sued again.
Jane: I dunno, I think milking someone's death is more his style.
Chris: There are two levels on La Quebrada; one that's forty feet, and the top that's eighty feet. For demonstration, we're going to show the works with a couple of volunteers from the peanut gallery; Falco and Sierra!
[both avian and human girl are pushed into view by Chef]
Falco: Okay, let me just start off by saying I did not volunteer for this! You made it a mandatory requirement for us to show up whenever you wanted.
Sierra: Awwwww, don't be sore, it's not all bad, [looks toward Thomas and Scat] at least I get to be up close with the latest news to post to the Total Drama fansite, hehehe!
Falco: Uhhhh...you're mental, ya' know that?
Sierra: Can't help it if I see yaoi being undocumented, nothing gets past me.
Chris: Anyway, we're not here to discuss your...thing, you're both gonna dive off the cliff to show the rest of these people how it works.
Falco: [looks down to the bottom, the look of apprehension on his face apparent] Ya' kiddin', right? Don't you know people have died doin' this?
Lightning Dust: You sure you're a falcon, cuz you're acting more like a chicken than anything.
Falco: How about you shut your mouth, you wouldn't be so ballsy if you had to do this.
Lightning Dust: Pfft, you don't know me.
Si: [whispering] You know what I just realized?
Am: [whispering] What would that be?
Si: [whispering] She's an idiot.
Am: Oh! [tries to muffle a snicker while keeping her voice down]
Sierra: Well, if no one's gonna do it, I'll do the honors. Stand back, everyone, this is gonna be big!
Falco: Uh, yeah, ya' mind wanna wait till the wave comes in before-
Sierra: Ialreadymappedthatout! [whooshes back Falco and jumps off the ledge and into the sea, her splash being so big that it reaches the top of the ledge, soaking everyone up there] Haha! I did it!
Si: Ugh! I'm wet!
Am: My fur!
Leshawna: [spits out some water] That girl ain't right…
Chris: [pushes away his bangs] Ahem, okay, after that...experience, now it's your turn, Falco, that is, of course, unless you're too chicken, buck, buck, buck!
Falco: [scowls at the host] You're a real piece a' s**t, ya' know that? [looks down at the water...and then jumps at the right time, landing beside Sierra]
Sierra: Hiya!
Falco: Hey...
Spitfire: Alright, this sounds simple enough, ready to-
Chris: Uh-bup-bup, who said we were diving on this ledge?
Doggie: Uh...ya' not suggestin' what I think you are…
Chris: Oh, I am, you're all gonna be jumping from the eighty-foot ledge, once you've all managed to complete that, you'll swim to your team's boat at the bottom of the ravine and race to the Caleta Beach. Your boats all contain a GPS on how to get there, the first boat to make it to the beach wins invincibility and a ticket to first class, the last boat to arrive will be heading to the elimination ceremony. That understood? Now, move out, we're going up in the world! [chuckles]
[scene cuts to the top of La Quebrada where the contestants are standing before the ledge. Daria, Starlight, and Thomas each take a look down to the bottom]
[static buzzing]
Thomas: Okay...never really done something like this before…and I already don't like it.
[static buzzing]
Daria: Wow, another cliff jumping challenge that could possibly end our lives, that's never been done before.
[static buzzing]
Starlight: This isn't how I was thinking of spending a world tour…
[static buzzing]
Chris: Which team will find the courage to make the daredevil jump into La Quebrada and make it to the end, and who's gonna be known as a team of chickens? Find out when we return on Total...Drama...Destiny!
Jane: Seriously…?
[scene cuts to black, the episode continues]
[scene shows the seventeen contestants still on the top of the ledge; Dodger, Jane, and Leshawna each looking down towards the bottom of the ravine]
Leshawna: Okay, which one a' us is gon' take the first jump?
Dodger: Ladies first.
Jane: Don't kid yourself.
Dodger: No need to worry about that, I wasn't being chivalrous.
Jane: Yeah, I figured your tastes lie somewhere else.
El Jefe: [feels a jolt with someone clutching onto him and looks back to see Cajun on his back] What the hell are you doing?
Cajun: I was thinkin' the two of us could jump togetha', saves the time of havin' ta' wait fo' singles. And might I say, you got yo'self a fine display back here.
El Jefe: You're...really f**king strange, you know that?
[Ding! Ding!]
El Jefe: Oh, por supuesto…
Spitfire: Do we seriously have to sing while jumping off a cliff?
Chris: [innocently] Really? I dunno whatever gave you that idea.
Spitfire: Hmph.
[music starts up]
Starlight: Why did I agree to come on this show?
To experience blistering heat and freezing snow
Daria: To think I came here from college
Why didn't I use common knowledge?
Jane: It's gonna be a long journey
Stuck with a host that's so damn corny
Leshawna: Leaving all my folks behind
By the end, I might lose my mind
Daria, Jane, Leshawna, and Starlight: And I'm still, still goin'
Yeah I'm still, still goin'
Roscoe: All the mobsters rule the streets
Trust me when I say it ain't sweet
Desoto: Hiding in the shadows, stalkin' our prey
We don't care what the hell you say
Roscoe and Desoto: And I'm still, still goin'
Yeah I'm still, still goin'
Daria, Desoto, Jane, Leshawna, Roscoe, and Starlight: Still goin', I'm still goin'
Yeah, I'm still
Still goin', I'm still goin'
Thomas: I'm gonna jazz out broadway-style
Scat: I'm gonna watch them large crowds smile
Sly: I'm making the end to get my prize
El Jefe: Except little does he realize
All: That I'm still (still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
Still goin' (still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
Yeah I'm still (still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
Still goin' (still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
(Now I'm)
Yeah, I'm still, still goin'
Oh! Still goin'
Now I'm still goin'
Still goin'
(Still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
And I'm still
(Still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
Oh, still goin'
(Still goin', yeah I'm still goin')
Spitfire: [arrives first to her team's boat] C'mon, you all! Pick up the pace!
Lightning Dust: [arrives shortly after to her own team's boat] Haha! First to the finish!
Sly: [off-screen] I wouldn't be too sure, toots. [on-screen at his own team's boat] You've still gotta get to the beach for it to be official.
[as the rest of the contestants pile into their respective boats, the first team to set off is Team Daredevil with a WHOOSH]
Lightning Dust: Try and catch up now, suckers!
Spitfire: Ooooooooh, no you don't! [shifts the gear and rushes after LD's vessel]
Starlight: I'm driving this thing, no questions asked! [quickly starts up the boat and rushes off after the two other teams]
Si: Ugh, how could we be the ones to start last?!
Am: This better not cost us another win!
[scene cuts to Team Daredevil's vessel cruising along]
Lightning Dust: Ahhhhh, this should get us back in first-class in no time!
Dodger: Huston, you might wanna double-check on that.
Lightning Dust: [looks back] Whatever do you…[pauses when she sees Team Cajun's boat fast approaching, with Team Siamese right on their tail]
Spitfire: Fancy meeting you here!
Lightning Dust: Grrrrrrrrr! [bumps her vessel against Spitfire's]
Scat: [as he and Thomas are shoved to the left] OOF! Watch it up there!
Spitfire: Okay, if that's how you wanna play it, allow me to return the favor! [bumps her vessel against Lightning Dust's, resulting in the rest of her team being bounced about]
Jane: Hey! Mind not using this as a bumper boat?!
[unfortunately, her plea is unheard as both Spitfire and Lightning Dust begin to continuously ram their vessels against one another, causing everyone else on board both boats to feel the fatigue]
Doggie: [groans] I'm gettin' myself a mighty headache…
Thomas: I'm gonna be seasick from this…[holds in a retch]
[while this goes on, Team Siamese notices this from several feet away]
Leshawna: What are they all playin' at?
Sly: Seems like they mixed the terms "boat" and "bumper cars".
Si: It's slowing them down...which gives us the perfect opportunity!
Am: Indeed, time to snatch victory from their paws!
Si and Am: Go on! Faster!
Starlight: Didn't need to shout, but alright.
[with added power, Team Siamese's vessel cruises past the unsuspecting Teams Daredevil and Cajun...well, the captains themselves being unsuspecting]
Roscoe: Hey, Earth to Captain Dumbass, you're letting us lose our lead!
El Jefe: Tu estupida perra!
Lightning Dust and Spitfire: Huh?! [look ahead] Oh s**t!
[scene cuts to Chris and Chef waiting at the beach on a boat next to the finishing buoy, the former looking through a pair of binoculars]
Chris: This just in; Team Siamese is well in the lead and nearing the finish! Meanwhile, Teams Daredevil and Cajun are battling it out for second after getting a little "tied up"!
Leshawna: Yes! Momma's ready for first-class!
Si: Hah, those nitwits held themselves up for a little game!
Am: And now they've handed victory to us on a silver platter!
Chris: And the winner is…[as Team Siamese's vessel makes it past the buoy]...Team Siamese!
Si and Am: Yes! [hug one another]
Leshawna: Finally, it's ma' time to live the good life!
Sly and Starlight: [high-five one another]
Chris: Aaaaaaand in second we have-[both vessels zip past the buoy at seemingly the same time]-a tie…?
Daria: [leaning over the side of the boat] Okay...that's the last time…[holds in a retch]...I ever go on a boat trip…
Cajun: [groans as he dizzily lays on El Jefe's lap] Who won…?
Chris: [voice over] Roll back the tape! [the footage is reversed to the point of where the boats passed the buoy] Stop! Now zoom in, and slooooow it down. [the footage zooms in on the bows of both vessels as the slow-mo plays, revealing…] Oooooooh, by a mere inch...Team Daredevil comes in second!
Desoto: Well, isn't that just f**kin'...[holds in a retch]
Chris: Team Cajun, you're today's big losers! I'll be seeing you all at the elimination ceremony!
[the members of Team Cajun give a collective groan]
[static buzzing]
Jane: [rubbing her forehead] Can't...think...straight...need to...get rid of...idiot…
[static buzzing]
Spitfire: Ooooookay, so that probably wasn't one of my smarter decisions…
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: Esa perra completa y completamente estúpida, that stunt she pulled has given me a massive headache…[growls darkly as he rubs his temples]...if I had it my way, I would toss her stupid ass out of the plane!
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to black, at the elimination ceremony]
Chris: Team Cajun, it's time to see who you all blame for your collective failure. To vote off a teammate, stamp their passport in the loser class bathroom.
[static buzzing]
Daria: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Cajun: [pushes down his sunglasses to look at the passport he's holding...and then turns it to the camera to reveal it being of himself] Ya' know, this is a really good pictua' of me.
[static buzzing]
Jane: [stamps a passport...and then stamps it again with a scowl]
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: [holds up Spitfire's passport with a deep scowl, sets it down and roughly stamps it]
[static buzzing]
Doggie: [looks between El Jefe and Spitfire's passports]
[static buzzing]
Spitfire: [holds up a passport of El Jefe and then stamps it]
[static buzzing]
Chris: Okay, I've tabulated the votes and the following players are safe; Daria [catches the bag]...Jane [catches the bag]...Cajun [catches the bag]...and Doggie [catches the bag]. Only one bag left. I'm sure you're all curious to see who it goes to...
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El Jefe!
El Jefe: Hmph. [catches the bag]
Spitfire: Aw…[sighs]...I guess I shoulda seen that coming.
Chris: [tosses her a parachute] Yeah, you shoulda, I'm sure everyone was expecting it.
Spitfire: Jeez, rub it in, why don't you? But, really, I'm sorry I let you all down...but promise me this, you'll continue to strive for victory in my absence. [walks toward the exit and jumps] FOR VICTORYYYYYYYYYYY!
Chris: We'll see if Team Cajun will be able to pull themselves out of the rut after losing the chance for first-class twice. Who knows, maybe they'll be the next Team Amazon or even the next Team Victory. It's always a surprise when we return on Total...Drama...Destiny!
[scene cuts to black as the episode ends]