Chapter 2

Silvia still vividly remembered the look on Pepa's when, on their fourth wedding anniversary, she had broached the previously taboo subject of children; the flash of gleeful delight and longing that had played at the corners of her eyes and mouth, mixed with the more hesitant, underlying, uneasy fear of Silvia's possible reaction.

She also easily recalled her own feeling of shock, which had been superseded by an irresistible sensation of amazement and then the overwhelming love she had felt for her wife.

Although years had passed since their awful break-up, the memories of that time were still very painful for both of them. They had come to an unspoken agreement, that the hurtful arguments and actions that had led to their separation were in the past and, after their reconciliation, the subject had never been discussed between them again. No matter how much they had argued about other things over the years; that particular agreement was sacrosanct.

From her expression and the cautious way she spoke, Silvia could tell Pepa was trying to steel herself to deal with a very upset wife as she ventured into a discussion that would break that pact. Unsure of Silvia's response, Pepa had resolutely forged ahead with what she had known would be a very risky conversation. It had taken several hours of reassurance and cuddling, interspersed with sometimes tearful talks about her idea, but it was clear to Silvia that this time Pepa had taken considerable effort to investigate the matter thoroughly, determined this time that they would 'do it right'.

Put simply, her proposal had been that they could actually have a child together. Although, after her abdominal surgery, Silvia was unable to carry a child, there had been developments that meant there was a fertility treatment she could undergo which would allow her to donate her eggs to her wife. Pepa would then be impregnated with her egg and carry their child to term. In that way, they would both be their child's mother.

In the end, Silvia had been completely overjoyed at her wife's suggestion. It had seemed to be an ideal solution for them; together they would have a baby, their baby.

Once the decision was made, it did not take long for them to put in motion the treatment plan. Fortunately, for the sake of everyone's frazzled emotions, it had worked on the second attempt. Pepa had, given her normal temperament and to most everyone's surprise including herself, generally coped very well with being pregnant. She had let Silvia fuss over her for months, put up with well-intentioned interference from Sara, Paco, Don Lorenzo and the rest of the squad room, and only become irritable with the whole matter when she was removed from active duty. Even then it was not the pregnancy that upset her, but more that paperwork had always been a pet hate of hers and she had protested vociferously when Silvia and Don Lorenzo had eventually worked as a team to force her to stay in the station full-time.

Her mood darkening again, Silvia forcefully thumped her clenched fist on her leg, deliberately derailing that train of thought. She already knew that it led to a route she did not want to explore again tonight.

Wanting to dwell on happier memories, as she leant back onto the bed that they shared, she deliberately recalled to mind their early days together and how, when they had first become lovers, they used to sleep in a mad, unholy tangle of limbs. No matter how intertwined they would be, Pepa's nose would end up buried in her hair and her head would migrate to somewhere on Pepa's chest, so she could revel in the sound of Pepa's heart beating. Every powerful beat declaring to her, 'Pepa loves Silvia Forever'.

After being shot on their wedding day, it had taken time before she had recovered sufficiently to be able to come home from hospital. Even then, her still healing injuries meant she couldn't easily lie for long periods on her stomach, and so they had adapted. One time Pepa had spooned around her from behind, resting her head on Silvia's shoulder where she could whisper in her ear how much she was loved and how much she had missed her, and they had fallen into a dreamless sleep. Every night after that, Pepa had carefully wrapped her lanky body around her, providing her with a living buttress, a wall of flesh to protect her from further harm.

After Pepa had become pregnant the growth of their baby meant they had needed to adapt again. Her belly eventually became too large to allow them to spoon comfortably together as they had, and so their positions had reversed with Silvia somehow finding a way to comfortably wrap herself around her taller partner, 'like ivy clinging onto a tall pillar' Pepa had used to say. How they would quietly laugh together about how miraculous it was that they still somehow fit together so easily, just as two pieces of a puzzle were made to belong together.

Silvia remembered how she had loved the times when she awoke to find her hands instinctively wrapped around, protecting Pepa's belly. She would lie for hours, entranced, feeling the kicks of their baby as they stretched, rolled and explored their space.

Silvia abruptly shuddered, her mind shying like a startled horse, as her memories raced ahead unintentionally reaching her worst memory, that dreadful moment, the source of her dread.

Clenching her jaw and breathing deeply she jerked upright again and tried to divert her thoughts once more, but it was too late and she was sucked into the maelstrom. She heard again Pepa's ghastly cry as it echoed around the apartment, followed by the sound of what she had soon discovered was her wife's body as it slumped to the floor.