Olivia dropped Noah off at school and stopped to get a coffee before heading to Elliots. She has a feeling he wouldn't be there so she was very surprised when he opened the door.
Elliot looked terrible. The black circles under his eyes were noticeably darker and he was clearly tense when he opened the door. Once he realized it was her, she noticed that he visibly relaxed. He shoulders fell a bit and backed up and opened the door fully so she could come in.
She walked past him quickly inside his apartment, she made sure to walk to the living room to give him and her some space. She turned and looked at him as he crossed his arms and leaned against one of the wood slates separating his dining room from living room. She could tell he hadn't showered yet and only wore sweat pants and an undershirt. She found herself staring at his stubble down to his muscular arms. She had always liked his arms, especially when he rolled up how sleeves so that she could see his forearms...
She quickly looked up to his face and shook her head as she cleared her throat.
Get it together Liv!
She felt her cheeks heat up a bit and stood up straighter trying to get control of herself, she quickly took a sip of her coffee.
"What's up Liv? I'm surprised to see you."
She nodded absentminded and threw her bag down on his couch. "Yes well, you did call me a million times last night. I figured we could have a discussion in person, without all of your children present."
With that she say him flinch a little and stand upright, away from the wood slate. She saw his small nod and watched as he clinched and unclenched his fists.
"Elliot relax, I'm not going to jump down your throat. Can we just talk?"
The pleading look in her eyes made him crack. He hated when she looked at him so intently, he could feel her boring into his soul. The truth was that he missed her, everyday while he was gone. He meant what he said but he also knew that feelings were never Livs strong suit. She could give everything to the victims but once you asked her how she was, she clammed up immediately. He was also exhausted and didn't know if he could be anything but blunt. He watched her take another sip of his coffee and took her in. She looked tense but also in a way very relaxed, she had sat all the way back on the couch after she pushed his blankets to the side. She looked beautiful in her causal clothes and her hair down, this was the first time since he has been back that she looked like the old Liv of his dreams. He wanted to go and sit very close to her but knew that was a terrible idea. He needed a shower, bad. "I'm going to hop in the shower, is that ok? Then we can talk our hearts out."
He cringed internally at his words. Why would he say that? He watched her nod slowly and nervously take another sip of her coffee, suddenly very interested in the lamp next to her.
She watched him walk into what she assumed was the bathroom and shut the door. She really didn't know now if this was a good idea. She looked down at the pillow and blankets next to her on the couch. Was he sleeping here? She scrunched her eyebrows together and took another side of coffee as she looked around. She really didn't pay much attention to the apartments decor while she was alone with the Stabler children last night, but with no audience she stood up and looked around. There wasn't much for decorations she noticed. So different than how old house in Queens that house was always filled with pictures and warmth. That must have been Kathys doing, she scoffed at herself, of course it was. There was a single photo on a small side table of the five kids. They were all smiling and appears laughing at something Dickie was saying. The photo didn't look old, she assumed one of the girls brought it in to attempt to give it more of a home feel. She slowly walked over to Elliots "wall of obsession," as she called it. She shook her head as she leaned in to take a closer look.
Elliot quickly got undressed and jumped in the shower. He stood under the warm water and closed his eyes. If he was honest with himself and would admit that he felt a bit better after his conversation with Angela. She made sense of the crazy he felt in his head and he didn't feel judged talking to her. Maybe because she really didn't know him and didn't expect the "old Stabler" back. He shook his head at the thought, that's not fair. He really didn't think Liv expected anything from him. He was sure she still felt anger towards him. Hell, he himself realizes now that stepping back from her was one of the biggest mistakes he has ever made. Instantly he felt the pain of sadness for Kathy. Maybe his grieve was intensified by knowing that even though he did love Kathy and they had a great ten years getting connected again, he was never in love with her. Not the way she deserved. He remembered her face once the invitation came in from Fin. She looked at him and didn't say a word, she simply nodded and went for a walk.
Kathy was the one who insisted we come back to New York for the ceremony, "Enough time has passed, you deserve to forgive yourself and make it right. She deserves your apology and presence." He simply said to her that he was sure Olivia never even thought of him anymore, to which Kathy laughed and said "Whatever you need to tell yourself."
Thinking back on it now, he was sure that Kathy knew. She knew that when he looked off during a conversation or stared into space, that he was thinking of Liv. At first he told himself that it was just because he missed his best friend. Not reaching out to her would save her feelings and she could move on quickly, but he knew. He knew the moment he turned his papers in that he loved Olivia Benson and walking away from her was the hardest thing he ever did.
He turned the water off and got out of the shower drying off. He quickly dressed in a t-shirt and some old sweats then walked out into the living room. Noticing that she had moved from the couch he turned and saw her staring at the wall. He felt himself brace for a fight but still took the time to watch her. She looked just the way he left her in his mind. She was relaxed and twirling slightly from side to side as she read whatever she was looking at. He watched her run her fingers through her chestnut hair absentmindedly. He took his time really looking at her for the first time since he came back.
Olivia had aged, hell so had he, but in a graceful way. She had filled out in the right places and seemed the most comfortable in her own skin than he had ever seen her. Olivia had always been beautiful but coming back and seeing who she is now almost takes his breath away. Motherhood definitely suited her. He leaned against the doorway and for the thousandth time wondered who this "guy" was that was "solid" as Fin called it. He also wondered how anyone could let her go once they were lucky enough to get her. His gaze found its way to her full breast and down to her backside, admiring the way it looked in her jeans. He remembered Fin calling him out for always staring at her backside, he also remembered her small smile. In a lot of ways he knows that Olivia was aware of his feelings, just like she tried and failed to hide hers from him. She looked adorably cute in her converse shoes.
He sighed before he realized it and his eyes quickly went up to hers. He watched that same small grin come to her lips and he knows that she caught him staring. He felt himself smile back and shrug a little. He held his hand out towards the couch for her to sit down and he sat down next to her. "So.."
"About last night"
"Let me start"
She smiled at him as they spoke at the same time and over each other. He sat back against the couch and motioned for her to start.
Suddenly her throat felt like it was closing up, she quickly took another drink of her luke warm coffee to try and help. She also attempted to clear her throat to help. Neither one of them helped. She stared into his blue eyes as he studied her. He could always read her mind, he could always calm her with a look.
"Elliot, last night was an overwhelming situation and I'm sorry for that." She had to look away from him to gather her thoughts. She suddenly had no idea what she was trying to say. "Um, when Kathleen came to me, I knew it wasn't a good idea to come at you all at once, but she was so sad and scared. I couldn't refuse her." She looked down at her hands and shimmied a bit on the couch. She suddenly was right on the edge and started bouncing her legs. She glanced at him again quickly. He still seemed relaxed, no sign of distress, he nodded slightly as if to tell her to continue. "Your family," she sighed heavy, "honestly, has a hold on me. They always have and I think that is why they came to me."
"No it isn't."
He startled her with his sudden declaration and she turned her body to him questioning.
"No it isn't what?"
"No it isn't why they came to you. My children have watched us interact since they were very small. They know that even though ten years have passed, you still can make me stop."
His body language stayed the same and she felt her eyes widen and look towards the small photo of his children. She turned back to him not really sure what to say back to that, so she just stared mutely at him.
He look her silence as permission to speak. He look in her bemused look and smiled slightly. He sat up and leaned closer to her. He placed both of his hands on her knees, which she immediately stopped bouncing. He struggled to swallow, not thinking of anything but making her stop the distracting habit, but now he was frozen. Should he sit back? She didn't pull away, he noticed. He looked up to her eyes which stared back at him, confused.
"I meant what I said last night. I do love you."
His voice was so quiet she almost didn't hear him. Suddenly all she could hear was all the blood rushing to her face and felt the immediate need to create space. After all the years she wished for him to say that to her suddenly she didn't know what to do with the information. She felt the same shock she felt last night.
"Elliot," she whispered to him and placed her hands on top of his hands, "you are grieving. You don't need to say things like that to me for me to stay. I know what we are."
She felt him scoot a hair closer to her "What is it that you know we are?" His expression was daring, intense. The blue in his eyes suddenly darker, she felt his heat radiating off him, his fingers curl into her knees slightly.
"We are two people who are connected. We have experienced terrible things together." Even to her own ears her explanation felt flat. She started to stand, she needed space. She quickly closed her eyes and rang both of her hands through her hair. She focused on controlling her breathing as she heard him shoot out "Bullshit". She opened her eyes and scowled at him. "Excuse me?" She felt the anger start to bubble in her stomach. How dare he tell me what I feel.
"You are scared and vulnerable and believe me I get that." He started to walk towards her as he stood, following her as she backed up. He watched her eyes widen as she backed herself against the wall. He raised his arms and placed one hand by each sides of her face leaning into the wall. His face was inches from hers, he could smell her coffee. He watched her eyes move down to his lips "El," she quickly looked back into his eyes. Both of them painfully aware that she hadn't called him that in ten years. She was very careful to say his full name when she addressed him. "Please," she whispered, "be sensible. We barely know each other anymore." He looked down at her full lips and felt his body inch closer to hers. He voiced sounded deeper to him as he whispered back, "I know you. You know me. We are still us." He lips started to move towards hers. He watched her eyes close in anticipation. She didn't pull away, he felt himself push toward her grazing her lips softly. His mind suddenly went wild. For twenty-two years he has had fantasized about this moment, he needed more. He started to lean his body into hers, waiting for a sign to stop.
Her mind went blank. What was happening right now? How had they gotten here? She felt herself start to respond to him. She felt his body lean further into her, she stifled a small groan. What was she supposed to do with her hands?
"Dad, I came to get a few things." Eli stopped dead in front of them. He watched as they jumped apart like they were on fire. He couldn't help but see his dads reaction with the tent in his sweat pants. He turned to look at Olivia plastered against the wall. It was almost like she was trying to disappear into it. Her free hand that wasn't holding a coffee reached up to her lips. "What the hell?" He honestly didn't know what to feel. He had heard of Olivia from his siblings as long as he could remember. There always seemed to be an undertone while they spoke of her but he never understood it. Now it was clear as day what they meant.
"Seriously dad, what the hell? Who even is this woman?" Eli felt his face start to flush and his fists clench. He looked quickly from her to his dad and back to her. She was staring at his dad, she almost seemed as much in shock as he was.
Elliot slowly raised his arms as if he was dealing with a wild animal. "Eli, calm down. I can explain."
Eli watched as Olivias eyes got big and rolled them to the window. The rest of her body followed as she turned her back towards them.
"Explain? Explain why you are making out with some woman not even two months after mom died? When you said I love you to her last night I thought you meant as friends. Like 'Aw man, I love you' not 'I love you, let's fuck!" He threw his arms in the air for dramatic flare.
Elliot found himself rushing towards his teenage son. Through gritted teeth he said, "Watch your mouth. You have no idea what you are talking about." Elliot turn and looked at Olivia whose back was still to them and cleared his throat. He turned with his back to Olivia. Shit. She was going to bolt. He felt it. "Get whatever you were going to get Eli. We can talk about this later."
Eli tilted his head to the side, "I'm sorry am I ruining your hook up time?" He heard Olivia groan and drop her head down to hand.
Jesus, he was going to kill this kid is she didn't intervene. She rubbed her forehead and started to turn around when she saw that Maureen and Kathleen were standing in the doorway, faces pale and staring at Elliot. Clearly they heard Eli's last statement. Fuck. Great. Just great. Welcome to the show ladies. She decided to just turn back around. Maybe if I stare at this window long enough I will disappear. What the hell was Elliot thinking? Honestly, what the hell was she thinking. Suddenly she heard Garlands voice in her head, keep your distance, well there goes that. We suddenly the closest we have ever been. She feels herself tense waiting for the next fall out from one of the girls.
"Dad, please tell me I heard him wrong." Kathleen sounded weepy. Her eyes pleaded with her fathers.
Maureen cleared her throat. "Eli, get your stuff. I'm sure Dad and Liv need to talk."
Both siblings quickly looked at their sister. "Mo, did you hear Eli? He apparently walked in on them about to hook up."
Maureen shrugged her shoulders. "That is none of our business. Eli. Now." She turned to Kathleen and whispered, "who cares how he heals as long as he heals."
Kathleen, never one to shy away from the dramatics, shouted "because we are talking about Olivia. Our mom has not been gone that long!"
Maureen took in her sisters tears eyes and sighed. Being the oldest she was always a little more involved in her parents past with Olivia. Her dad told her that he never cheated on her mom and she believed him. She knew Elliot and Olivia were closer than her parents let on. She always noticed the slight change in her mother when she was mentioned. Kathy knew that Olivia had a part of their dad that she would never have. She told Maureen just as much before they headed here. Her parents ended up as really good friends but they both had fallen out of love a long time ago. Before Eli was even born if she had to guess. When she was younger she wanted Olivia around all the time. She made her dad more bearable in his bluster. Her siblings always took the other road, convinced they have been having an affair for years. She turned and looked at Olivia, she clearly was as shocked as the rest of them. Just like last night. She turned back to Kathleen, "Mom would have wanted dad to be happy. There are things you don't understand about their relationship that we can discuss later but right now I want us all to leave."
Elliot stared at his oldest daughter with his mouth open. Had Kathy confided in her? Suddenly he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. Maureen was smart and calming, she would talk to her siblings. He watched as she walked up to him and kissed his cheek. "See you later Daddy." She smiled at him and then turned towards Olivia, "Always a pleasure Olivia!" Elliot watched as his son came out of his room with a bag shooting daggers at them. Maureen did a little wave and took both of her siblings by the arms. Kathleen still had a look of shock on her face when the door shut.
Silence followed. Horrible silence. Elliot slowly turned around and walked behind Olivia. He didn't know if he should touch her or not so he didn't. "Well.."
Olivia turned around like a tornado. "What. The. Fuck. Elliot." Her words were like venom. She has never been so embarrassed or confused in her whole life. She felt her hands push him back in his chest. He seemed caught off, so she took advantage of his shock and quickly walked around him to the exit. She was furious, she didn't get asked to be dragged into this mess. Damnit she should have listened to Garland and kept her damn distance! She felt him grab her hand while she passed him.
"Liv, wait."
She turned and look at him. Her resolve softening for a second as she looked down at theirs conjoined hands. She sensed him stepping closer to her and his forehead falls to hers.
"Liv, please wait." Damnit, what was he going to do to get her to stay. He felt her tension, her energy was almost like static electricity. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. She smelled faintly of flowers. He couldn't believe he actually kissed her. Granted it was not anything more than a soft graze but it made him want to kiss her again. Suddenly he realized she might not be single. They hadn't really talked about anything real in her life besides Noah. He opened his eyes, surprised to see hers staring back at him.
She simply asked, "Wait for what?"
He found himself blurting out, "Are you single?"
He silently cursed himself as he felt her tense again.
"You want to ask me that, now? Are you kidding me? No Elliot I have a whole man waiting for me downstairs." Her eyes narrowed at him.
He stood straight up, as if she slapped him. "Who?!" He was seeing red. Suddenly so overtaken by jealousy he wanted to punch a wall.
"Jesus Christ Elliot!" She attempted to snatch her hand away from him but he held tightly to it. She knew it was pointless to continue pulling on it so she looked up at him and glared. The look on his face was oddly comforting. Elliots jealousy was something she was used too and felt strangely familiar. Her shoulders slumped, "No Elliot, I am single, but to be honest that seems like a really weird thing to be focusing on right now." She watched as he relaxed and smirked.
"Old habits die hard."
"Well you didn't answer my question Stabler, wait for what?" Her chin went up a notch in a daring fashion. She feels his other hand touch her hip as he started to slowly turn her to be directly facing him. As he took a step forward, she took a step back, until she understands what he is doing. She tries to stop but by then her back was already against the wall. She makes a little yelp sound as her back made its contact. Her breath hitched in her throat as all the rest of her brain stopped functioning.
His lips touch her gently again at first but as soon as she starts to relax he takes charge and deepens the kiss. He coaxed her mouth open and then tentatively touched her tongue with his own. At first he feels her start to pull away but then she starts to respond and he growls deep in the back of his throat. His hands move up to her cup her face. He hears her little moan and almost loses all his resolve. He can feel his body reacting to her and hopes she isn't over thinking everything.
He was very wrong. Olivias mind was all over the place, she couldn't believe this was happening. Elliot Stabler was kissing her and unbelievably she was actively kissing him back. She felt the warm pooling in her lower abdomen. Wait, was that him? Oh no no no no. She suddenly felt like she was suffocating. She raised her hands and gently placed them on his chest and pulled her mouth back. She opened her eyes realizing her hands were shaking. "I have to go." She knew it was a lame excuse but she needed to get out of this situation and fast.
"Liv, are you ok?" He felt her add some more pressure towards his chest so he took a step back. He watched her eyes drop down to his "situation". He sees that her face is flushed slightly as he lifts her gaze with his thumb so she is looking in his eyes. He can feel the panic radiating off her. She is about to bolt, he can sense it.
"I just have got to go. We can talk later, okay?" She twisted out of his grasp and grabbed her bag from the couch and headed to the door. She turned quickly and started walking backwards, talking with her hands. "This is fine. Right?!" She bumped into the door and struggles out an high pitched laugh. "Alright, bye bye!" She slams the door behind her, falls back against it and covers her face with her hands, strangling a small scream.