Chapter 2 – The Cast

The Greendale campus was something out of Jane Austen Novel. Sprawling grass fields, a crystal-clear lake, old maroon buildings, white marble pillars, ducks, black stone statues, red, orange, and green trees. Amidst all this, Harry felt like an asshole, in his Gap T-shirt and denim breeches. He felt even more like an asshole when he met his roommate, who was in a full business suit.

Harry knocked on the open door and said, "may I come in?"

No response came from the man in the suit. He was busy typing away into his Blackberry.

Harry took this as confirmation and let himself in. The room was small with two beds, one by the window and the other by the door. It was clear that the man in the suit had already claimed the bed by the window, so he slid his trunk under the bed by the door.

"My name is Harry," Harry said afterwards, extending an arm.

"Jeff Winger," the man replied, without looking away from his phone.

"I guess we are roommates," Harry said.

This to garnered no reactions.

Harry retired his arm and started unpacking his clothes, when suddenly Jeff Winger stood up and smashed his phone against the floor. The Blackberry disintegrated into a dozen smaller pieces. Harry backed away instinctively.

Winger then looked at Harry for the first time and said, "I am going for a beer. You are welcome to join."

"I though we were not supposed to leave campus—"

Winger was already gone.

Harry felt like this was one of those unassuming moments of life that was bound to have far reaching consequences in the future. He could just ignore Winger and finish sorting his clothes, or he could chase after his jerk of a roommate.

For reasons unclear to even himself, Harry chose the latter.

Three rules were outlined to Harry when he joined Greendale.

1. Students are not allowed to leave campus during the weekdays.

2. Students are not allowed to carry drugs, alcohol, or Hallucinogenic plants inside the campus.

3. Students are not allowed to carry any electronic equipment inside the campus.

"What is the rule on sex?" Lilly Potter had asked the groundskeeper, to Harry's immense embarrassment.

"I don't think we have a rule on sex," said the groundskeeper.

"Are you sure?"

The groundskeeper read her little pamphlet back and forth. "Just the three rules. Nothing about sex on here. I am pretty sure it's allowed."

"Well, then, Harry will just have to be content being an illiterate, because I am not sending my son to this godless place."

It had required a lot of hugs from James to convince Lily, but now it would seem all her fears were warranted, because Harry was already on course to breaking all three rules on his very first day.

Jeff introduced Harry to man named Alex 'Starburns' Osbourne, who had been a student at Greendale for more than five years.

"But the course is only four years," Harry had said, naively.

Starburns felt insulted.

"You think you can learn everything there is to know about magic in four years, boy?" He confronted Harry.

Harry was at a loss for words.

"Yeah. Didn't think so, four eyes," belched Starburns.

Jeff came in between the two men.

"I'll let you assert your dominance after you give me two cold beers and a phone," Jeff said to Starburns.

"I just gave you one!"

"He broke it!" Harry tattled. He wanted to get into Starburn's good graces, kill the name 'four eyes' at its inception.

Jeff glared at Harry. "It had to be broken. It brought me nothing but misery."

"It's a cell phone, Winger. What did you expect?" Starburns said. "They invented the damn thing to bring bad news."

"Incorrect," a voice called from behind. All three men turned around.

Standing at the doorway was a thin middle eastern man, by the name, Abed Nadir. Behind him were two gorgeous women, one with wavy blonde hair and the other a bushy brunette hair. The Blonde was Britta Perry; the brunette Hermione Granger.

"They invented the telegram, not the telephone, to deliver bad news," said Abed Nadir.

"Wow!" exclaimed Winger, taking in the two ladies with his eyes.

"I know," said Abed, proud of himself.

"I don't thing he is wowing your fact, Abed," said Britta, who could smell jerk-offs like Jeff from a mile away.

"That's not a fact, Britta," said Hermione. "I think it is an attempt at a joke."

"It's more of a quip than a joke," said Abed.

"A quip? Isn't that what we call wizards who aren't really wizards?" quizzed Starburns.

"That's a Squib, Starburns," said Winger. "A quip is what you did with your life when you decided to draw stars on your face. Oh! I am sorry. That's not quip. That's quit!"

"Fuck you, Winger," said Starburns, taking a moment to work out Jeff's insult.

"Yeah, fuck you, Winger," added Britta. "Winger is the guy in the suite, right?"

Harry was in a corner of the room wishing he was furniture.

When emotions subsided, they realised they were all at Starburns's room for the same reason. They all needed a cell phone.

"It's not easy to smuggle a butt load of electronics into the campus," said Starburns. "I need more time."

"How long?"

"A week at least."

"A week?" howled Winger. "My relationship will not survive a week of separation!"

Britta scoffed at this. "Me and my boyfriend could go months without speaking!"

"It's easy when your partner is imaginary," said Winger

Meanwhile, Hermione had slithered her way to Harry.

"Where did these people come from?" Hermione whispered to Harry.

Harry smiled. "I don't know. The stone ages?"

Hermione smiled too. "They are old, aren't they?"

"That's the magic of community college," said Harry. "It brings together people who might never meet otherwise."

Harry and Hermione shared a brief, fluttering glance.

Abed who was watching the contrast between the two couples said with concern, "this is bad!"

"What is?" asked Starburns.

"Our friend-group. It's doomed from the start," said

"Why?" said Starburns.

"Jeff and Britta are gonna' sleep with each other and quickly realise their attraction is purely physical. Harry and Hermione are gonna' fall in love, but their relationship will be tedious and without passion. Hermione will seek excitement in Jeff's arms, while Harry and Britta will have their own weird thing going on. In the end everyone will have feelings for everyone else, causing the friend group to eventually fall apart!"

"Don't worry, Abed," said Starburns. "I'll save our friend group!"

"You are not in the friend group, Starburns."