I woke up, screaming, ten minutes before my alarm was about to go off. I was breathing hard, trying to shake off the nightmare. Trying to shake off the image of James on top of me, and his rough hands on my shoulders with my inability to fight him off. Maybe I should take a self-defense class. I realized a sheen of sweat had formed on my forehead, and I was shaking. It felt so real, like it was happening again. I looked around my room, recognized the familiar things in front of me, and took three deep breaths. My head was clearer, so I got up to get some water from the bathroom, where my Dixie cups awaited, ready to use by the sink. My mom was already heading up the stairs to see what had caused my incessant sounds of fear.
"I just had a nightmare, mom. I'm fine." I willed the words to be true, but her gaze on my face didn't make me think I was successful. She gestured toward my room, and she followed me back in there. We sat down on my bed, and her expression was warily cautious.
"What's going on, Bella? How did yesterday go?"
"Not as bad as I thought it would be. But seriously, everything is going to be okay. I just have vivid dreams sometimes." I shrugged, and she seemed to let it go. No need to mention that they were caused by something that would absolutely horrify her and my father. It really wasn't something that came up in everyday conversation. She had to get to work, and I had to get ready for school. I truly didn't want her to worry. I really would work through this, even if I didn't know how. Even if I was the monster everyone seemed to think I was. Everything just sucked right then, and for the indefinite future. It had to end sometime, right? Just two years. Then I could leave all of this behind me. I squashed down the tears that tried to make their way out.
"We're here for you, okay?" She kissed my forehead and left the room. If only I knew what that meant. If only I knew how to let someone be there for me in this. I didn't even know how to face it all myself. How could I bring someone else, especially someone I cared about, into this mess of mine? I filled my lungs with air, and felt some of the tension release as I let it out.
I got ready for school, hoping that today wouldn't be worse than the day before. My dream still lingered in my mind, but I worked to push it back. I wouldn't fall apart at school. I couldn't. Not when I was already on the outs like I was. I had to believe that this had to end at some point. That someone had to remember who I really was, even if that person wasn't even me. I didn't even know who I really was anymore. It seemed like I had gotten lost in the folds of navigating my losses and the lies surrounding me, along with the pain of what happened. And the fact that I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it. I was doing my best, but I had to figure out how to make my life more than just avoiding panic from flashbacks or fearing future occurrences. I tried to shake off the nightmare by remembering Alice's perky smile, and how Edward seemed okay with talking to me yesterday. How Mike had also been cordial toward me. Maybe they still would be today.
As I drove up to school, I already felt the queasiness of facing another day settle in my stomach. Especially when my first hour had gone so incredibly well the day before. Ha. Guess I had to laugh so I didn't panic.
James, Jessica, and Rosalie were standing together drinking coffee near James' car. I was instantly reminded of a day last school year when Jessica, Mike, Rose, James, and I all met up in the parking lot way before school started with coffee and bagels because it was such a beautiful morning. It was a last minute plan, but it was also a fun idea. Jessica picked up the orders and brought them for our group. The memories, when they came, helped me to see how I had missed the signs all along the way. Like when I was laughing at a joke Jessica made, and James had put one arm around me while he was standing next to Rosalie, with his other arm around her, smiles on our faces. Was any of that real friendship? Was I the real culprit because I mistook that glance and that touch as friendship? Should I have sensed that he was testing me, wondering if he could accuse me of the things he had planned to do all along? I didn't really know. I pushed down the pang emptiness of the loss, and thought about the day ahead.
I told myself it was going to be a better day. I knew my schedule now, and the people in my classes. I might have an ally in Mike...and Alice. Maybe. I didn't want the new girl to get ostracized for fraternizing with me though. Ugh. I didn't know what to do. I mean, her and her brothers would catch on eventually anyways, and then it wouldn't be an issue. They'd leave me be, and I'd be back to square one. I would just enjoy the potential friendship while I could. I sighed and opened the door to step out into the world again.
This morning wasn't much different from the day before, except that I didn't have to tussle with James and his band of loyal followers this morning. I was full of gratitude over that. To my surprise and chagrin, Alice sat next to me again. We chatted about the class book list that had been handed out that morning, and the first one on the list was Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, one of my favorite books, so it was easy to talk about.
"I have never read it."
"I like it. I have read it numerous times."
"What do you like most about it?"
"Well, the love story, of course, but I won't spoil it for you."
"I've heard that this book is terrible."
"Some people think so. The characters are not your typical protagonists, but their love is real."
"That sounds terrible. Maybe I'll just have you explain it to me instead." My favorite part was when Heathcliff declared that he can't live without his life or soul, namely, Catherine.
"No dice. I don't cheat." I grinned at her.
Rosalie and Jessica glared at us, and James smirked. I didn't want to know what that meant.
I chose to ignore it and knew I had to deal with what would come whenever it did. And I knew it would. Eventually. It was inevitable.
Lunch was much the same today. Scrutinized stares shot across the room at me, and I flushed, looking at my tray most of the time.
"Why does everyone kind of avoid you?" Edward was looking right at me, and his green eyes pierced mine in a way that trapped my gaze.
"They don't kind of do it. They fervently do so. And avoiding is a nice way of putting it, really. You'll find out soon enough, and then we will see if you're still asking that question." I pushed my tray towards the middle of the table and sighed. I was going to keel over from lack of nutrients at some point, but I just felt too nauseous to eat. His eyes turned sympathetic, and I hated that. He'd stop talking to me soon enough. He'd loathe the fact that I was his lab partner.
"Bella, I don't see how you, or anyone for that matter, could deserve the treatment you get here. You've been nothing but nice to us." Alice was contemplating.
"It's not about who I am or about being nice. It's just-it's not. These things never are. It's about what people believe, and that's that. Can't change it." I kept my eyes forward staring past her, and she grimaced. Maybe I really was the person that deserved this, in the end.
I jumped when I felt someone beside me. It seemed I was always jumpy these days, especially the days after I had nightmares. I had some during the summer, but last night had proven to be the worst of them all so far.
"Geez, Mike. What are you doing?"
"Uh sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. I was just coming to say hi."
I flushed and said, "Paving the way for your girlfriend to come over here?"
"No. I told you, we broke up."
"Then why is she walking over here?" I glared at him, and he turned around. He put his hands over his eyes, and walked away. I instantly felt bad for getting upset with Mike, but how was I supposed to trust him after everything? And then Jessica was standing directly across the table from me. I knew she stood there because the whole table would be able to hear her. Rosalie was sitting at their usual table with James already. It seemed odd that they didn't come over with her, but I wouldn't complain about that. James was staring intently at Jessica while Rose slapped his hand away from her face. She started walking over to our table after that. I wondered if James had hurt her...the thought made my stomach clench.
"Bella, Mike is too good for someone like you. These newbies are only here because they are just that. Newbies."
"So then why did you and Mike break up? Is he too good for you, too?," I countered.
"How dare you."
"So you can dish it out but you can't take it? Get a life, Jessica."
"Thankfully I have one, now that you're out of it!" That was all I needed to know. She never truly valued or cared about the bonds of friendship I thought we had formed. I pushed back the tears, and tried to feign indifference, like usual. She said this just as Rosalie made her way over, standing beside Jessica.
"Well, then maybe you should stay out of mine."
"And leave these poor newbies to fend for themselves? You are such a faker, Bella." She looked towards Edward and said,"We can help you with making the right friends around here. Won't you allow us to help you guys out?" She smiled serenely, as if she were the greatest problem solver in the entire universe. And as though I was the greatest problem. I guess that wasn't so far from the truth, but I was tearing apart inside at this confirmation from her. I hadn't really talked to her since that night. I pushed that thought from my mind, replacing it with a song I knew called Fight Song. I let the lyrics play out over the hurtful words she had said.
"Uhm...maybe we want to be around Bella. Why is this an issue? Or any of your business?" Jessica glared at us as Alice spoke. Well that was a nice thing for her to say.
"Because, Bella is lying to you about who she is! We used to be friends, but clearly, we are now in much better company. You should join us sooner rather than later." Jessica sneered at Edward, and I tried very hard to hide my horrified anger. I tried to suppress the tears. Tonight. You can cry it out tonight.
"Ugh. Go away! Rosalie? Can I get your digits?" He was yelling across the entire cafeteria as she stalked off with Jessica. It was a little endearing, seeing him trying so hard to get her attention. I wished I knew how to help him. Then again, I didn't really know who Rosalie was anymore, either.
"Emmett!" Alice hissed at him.
"It was worth a shot. She's a beauty."
I smiled as I looked at him. What was he thinking?
"You were friends with her, right?"
"Well yes. 'Were being the key word'. I'm sorry, Emmett, but she won't talk to me now." I shrugged.
He looked at me curiously. "Does anyone here do anything besides blast you? I mean, sheesh. What did you do? Run over all their cats?"
I laughed at that. "If only. Then I could have just rebought everybody kittens, and I'd still be…" I couldn't finish the sentence. James was coming toward the table, and I was glad I only had eaten a couple of bites of food. Edward looked at me, but my eyes were locked on James'. When would enough be enough for them?
"Still can't keep your eyes off me, huh, Swan?" He smirked as he continued. That was his version of events, for sure. The way he had planned it to look. My body was trembling now. "I see you've found some new friends. It's a pity, isn't it? I mean, it's a very short lived thing for you. I'll make sure of that." I felt the heat come to my face as Edward and Alice both started in on James.
"You leave her alone."
"I like Bella! She's way nicer than you!"
"That's what you think now." He smiled at me, the way he had in my dreams last night, and it all came rushing back. The feel of his hands around me, his face inches from mine, me knowing I was powerless to stop him. Edward's expression became suspicious as he glanced between James and me. Two days. I had friends for two days.
Chagrin colored my face, and I was on the verge of a meltdown. No, I was going to puke. It was coming and I couldn't stop it. I ran toward the trash can, hating that I wouldn't make it to the toilet. I heaved, and my body emptied its contents, so there really wasn't much. Vaguely, I registered that someone was holding my hair back for me, but I couldn't worry about that until the heaving subsided. I turned around to see Mike, and I knew the waterworks would flow. I ran to the bathroom, intending to never come out. I heard the laughter as I rounded the corner, then ducked into a stall. I sat there and let the tears pour down my face. I was listening to "Anymore", by Madeline Paige on my iPod, but I didn't know how to put this behind me. This was going to be the longest year ever. This was day 2? Of 180? The thought just made more tears come. I needed to pull myself together!
Suddenly, I heard the door open.
"Bella?" Oh great. Just what I needed. I didn't answer for fear that my voice would give me away. I did step out of the stall to see her. She looked as though she wanted to help, or like she wanted to say something. I couldn't tell, but she seemed torn. I just went back to sit on the toilet with my headphones pressed into my ears.
"Bella, I-I'll just go." Rosalie must have left, but then the door opened again.
"Oh Bella! Are you alright?" Alice's bubbly and kind voice chimed around the bathroom.
"Not at the moment, but-." That's all I'd get out.
"Come out here. Please."
I stepped out of the stall, trying to dry my tears.
Alice simply stepped forward and wrapped me in a hug. Of course I cried harder, but I hadn't been hugged by anyone other than my parents in so long. It seemed to be that I really had a friend in Alice after all of that. I knew it couldn't last, but for now, it was true.
"Thanks Alice." She smiled, then looked sadly at me. "What are you doing Friday night?"
Probably crying myself to sleep and waking up screaming to a nightmare.
"Reading. Why?"
"Reading? What?"
"It's what I do every Friday night. I read because I can stay up later." It was true. When I wanted to avoid the tears for a while, I read a favorite book to escape into.
She looked bewildered.
"Why?"
"You really don't have any friends, do you?"
"Not anymore." Here it was. I braced myself.
"I don't know what happened, Bella, but I know you need some fun in your life. So you are going to come over Friday night and we can bake cookies and watch movies!"
"What? Reading is fun." I was not prepared for this. I wouldn't get my hopes up. It was still three days away. Plus, I needed my nights to cry out my days.
"I think we could be good friends." She shrugged, and we walked back to the table. James was gone, as was most of the crowd. The bell was about to ring.
"We'd better get to class." I picked up my things, and started walking. A hand touched my arm, and I flinched, dropping my books. I did that now. Anytime someone touched me like that...and I couldn't see them...I jumped or flinched or what not. This was the first thing that had come to my parents' attention after the incident occurred. Jumping and spilling the marinara sauce I'd been pouring into the pot on the stove because he placed his hand on my shoulder had not been an ordinary moment for me. It was worse at school, knowing James had free reign to sneak up on me. My heart stuttered as I bent down to pick them up. Suddenly, Edward was there, helping me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Just wanted to check on you." Really. Ugh. He was going to be the popular bachelor soon enough, and this was getting to be too much. I focused on slowing my heart rate, telling myself the threat did not exist. Again.
"I'll be fine." I tried to smile so I could help to ease whatever it was that had compelled him to walk through the hallway with me. Pity probably. I hated that. He should just leave me alone. Although, he would be a good lab partner. And he was nice to me. For now.
He looked at me, perplexed.
"Well, yeah. But you're not fine. We want to help, though, even if you don't want it."
"It's not necessarily that I don't want that...I just know you're all going to change your minds. I mean when you see me the way everyone else does." I shrugged and looked at him.
He shook his head, but didn't respond. His lips were taught, like he was angry about something.
We took our seats at our lab table, and I suddenly wanted him to understand. I didn't want to hurt him. I truly didn't. But he deserved better than to have a friend like me. Unwanted and broken. Exhausted from the nightmares that haunted me during the daytime. Terrified of them happening in real life again. His eyes were warm as he looked at me, and we sat down.
"Edward, look. You and Alice don't need to deal with the scrutiny I receive on a daily basis. It's not that I don't want to be friends with you. I just can't afford to believe we can be friends. And it won't be good for either of you to be friends with me." I smirked and looked forward.
"Bella...you're wrong. We want to help you. We don't want you to be alone. Even Emmett is perplexed by the school wide hatred of you." He looked at me sadly, and I had to look away before it broke me. I shook my head and focused on the class. It was a lab day, so Edward and I had to work together to make sodium chloride. It was an easy lab day, just to get us used to working alongside our partners. James walked into the room and came straight to our lab table after setting a paper on Mr. Banner's desk.
"Well, look at this." Why oh why was this happening? "I came to deliver something for my teacher, but this is quite the discovery." James leered at me, and Mr. Banner noticed the confrontation just as it began to escalate.
"Your teacher is going to expect you back," I pointed out. He laughed.
"Like I care. It's not like they'll kick me out. You know that, better than most. Don't you, Bella?" He said my name in a way that took me back to that very real night while he stroked my arm with his fingertips. I flinched away from his touch, and took calming breaths in order to right myself. I was on the verge of panic, but I told myself I was okay until my heart beat stilled. In my head, I counted the lab tables, labeled the colors of the posters on the wall. Edward stood up, comprehension dawning on his face. I looked at him, horrified. I willed him to leave it be, but I stared down at the black lab table.
"Stop please. Don't fight." The energy had drained out of me, seeing that both of them were tensed, ready for a tussle. Edward shouldn't get hurt, or get detention. Why couldn't James just give it a rest? Hadn't he done enough? I was trying not to shake again.
Edward sat back down as Mr. Banner walked over. James had his fist up in the air, and Mr. Banner grabbed it and placed it on James' side. "That's a trip to the principal's office. Now." Both of their faces were livid. James stalked off with his pass to the office, and Mr. Banner called to inform them that James was on his way.
He came back over to us and said, Bella. I'm extremely sorry for what you have to endure. If I can help, please let me know." He looked like he wanted to say more, but he walked away.
I looked at Edward, and his expression almost made me wilt, so I looked forward, taking a breath to hold in the tears. Not now. Please not now! I was mortified. Absolutely mortified. I looked forward as Mr. Banner started up his lesson again. My hands were balled into fists on the table and my teeth were clenched tight. I didn't want to have to go into the hallway right now, to find the bathroom, partially because of the attention, partially because I didn't know if James would be lurking around. I couldn't bring myself to look at Edward. I opened my notebook in front of me, my whole body tensed up with the effort of keeping myself together. I started writing the notes from the board, not actually understanding what I was writing. I felt a traitor tear glisten down my cheek, and I held my body tighter, rigid, even.
I heard Edward take a sharp intake of breath, but I couldn't turn my head. I knew I'd lose a hold on myself entirely if I did.
I didn't even know what the lecture was on, or what my notes said, but by the end of the hour, I was fairly composed. I wiped my wet cheek, and finally turned in my seat as everyone started packing up.
Edward looked at me, and I knew what I didn't want to know. I got up and started to walk out, when he stopped me by putting his hand on my arm. I didn't turn around, so he moved in front of me, staring into my eyes. They looked regretful for some odd reason.
"Bella...are you...please let someone help you."
I didn't know what to do. I had to hold myself together, but there was this nice boy standing in front of me, just wanting me to let him in. The kindness would do me in where James didn't.
"I...don't. I don't know how. I just. I don't," I answered honestly. I didn't know what else to say, so I quickly retreated towards the gym. Mike was in the hallway, staring at me.
"I thought I'd walk with you, just to be sure you're all right."
I nodded, and we walked in silence to the gym.
After school was finally over, I felt the tears coming before I even reached my car. However, I was bombarded by the tiny pixie named Alice.
"You're coming Friday, right?" She smiled, and I grimaced. Partially because I was barely holding back my tears, partially because I wasn't sure if they'd still want me around by Friday night.
"We'll see." I shrugged as I turned toward my truck and the silent tears started to run down my face.
I began to peel out as the tears poured down my cheeks. To my chagrin, Emmett and Edward were goofing off on the sidewalk on the way out, but they stopped at the sound of my truck, and I was pretty sure they saw the tears running down my face as I left the lot.
I didn't want to go home, but I had nowhere else to go. I sighed, thinking about how different my life used to be a year ago. I got steaks and potatoes with green beans ready to make for dinner for when Charlie and Renee came home, and started on some homework in my room. I cried through the whole process, and I eventually gave up on the homework. I plugged my iPod into my little iHome dock, and put on some music to concentrate on while I cried myself out. I was listening to the Comatose album by Skillet when I heard someone knocking on the door. "The Last Night" had been on repeat for the past thirty minutes. I was glad my tears had stopped a little bit ago. I was just exhausted and content on the floor. I immediately turned down the music, and my heart started going crazy. I stayed quiet, but the knocking continued. My truck was here, so whoever it was knew I was home. I may as well go check.
I looked through the peephole, and saw that it wasn't James or his cronies, so that was a relief.
I opened the door, and there they were. Edward and Alice.
"Uhm...hey." I shuffled my feet as I looked down at them.
"Hi…" Edward looked as uncomfortable as me.
"Bella...are you alone?" Alice seemed wary.
"Yeah. I'm always alone after school. Mom and dad get home later than I do." They looked at each other. "What?"
"Nothing," Edward said. I rolled my eyes.
"Your eyes are all red and puffy." Alice really looked at me, and I shrugged. She pouted, and Edward's eyes shone with sympathy.
"Do you guys want to come in?"
"Okay. Yeah, sure." Edward and Alice stepped over the threshold, and I led them up to my room.
"Here it is. My place of solace." I shrugged and sat on the blanket on the floor I was already lying on when they knocked. I was a little mortified to see that there was still a wet spot from the tears that had spilled out earlier.
"Why is there a blanket on the floor?" Alice looked at me curiously.
"I was listening to music and lying down on it."
"On the floor?" She was incredulous.
"Yes. I like the floor sometimes."
"Hmmm...interesting book collection. You like the classics?" Edward was eyeing my bookshelf curiously.
I nodded, not sure how I should be handling this right now.
"So...why are you guys here?" I looked down.
"Well, we were in the area. Figured we'd stop by." Edward was smiling, and I somehow smiled in return. Like really smiled.
"There. You do smile!" I laughed, which sounded off, but I hoped he didn't notice.
Alice laughed and looked rueful at Edward and me. I flushed, and asked what we should do.
"This is fine. Really, we just wanted to...see you."
"You saw me leaving, didn't you?" I spoke quietly, trying to keep the horror out of my voice. "What will it take to not tell everyone?" I felt hopeless.
"What? No, Bella, that's not why we came. I mean, we were worried about you, but that's really it! We don't want to hurt you, Bella." Edward's eyes were full of sincerity.
I sighed in relief and lay down on the blanket. Alice joined me, and said, "Nope. Don't get it. I'm taking the bed." She plopped on top of my covers with her feet dangling off the edge.
Edward slid down next to me where Alice had been a minute before.
I tried to steady my stupid heart, but it was no use. I ignored it and glanced upwards. "I like to pretend I'm far away in my truck bed, looking at a beautiful night sky, when I'm on this carpet."
"That's deep," Alice said. I laughed again. Edward seemed to ponder that for a moment.
Charlie and Renee came home for dinner, and we went downstairs. "Hey mom, hey dad," I greeted them. "This is Edward and Alice. They are new to Forks." They smiled, shook hands, and invited my guests to stay. My parents were surprised, but I think also relieved, to see me around actual people instead of just immersing myself into my book characters.
I walked them to the door after dinner and thanked them for coming over.
"Now it's your turn to come to our place on Friday!" I nodded, not letting myself believe this could last even that long.