Wow! I am blown away by the response I got to this! I hope I can live up to the hype. I really do have a ton of ideas for it...could even be three parts! We will see! As I said, this particular one will be a slow burn to get our favorite couple where we need them to be. But...I promise it will be worth it. At least I think so! Hahaha!
Keep reading and let me know what you think :)
The next day, Olivia showed up back at the house without being asked. Lizzie and Richie were on the mend but still in need of some extra TLC. Elliot was exhausted, but trying to hold it together. He was also still reeling, thinking about watching Olivia with Lizzie the night before. It had set something off in him...he knew he couldn't deny his feelings much longer. He just wasn't sure what Olivia was feeling.
As well as he knew her...there were still a lot of parts to her that were a mystery to him. Sometimes he thought she only let him see what she wanted him to see. He wanted her to tear down the walls and let him all the way in...but he knew that was going to be easier said than done.
Maureen whipped the door open when she saw Olivia pull up out front, "Hi Liv!"
Olivia reached out, wrapped her in her arms and squeezed tight, "Hey kid. You feeling okay?"
Maureen nodded, "Dad's been keeping us pretty separated. So far so good. Kathleen too."
She nodded and held out a bag, "Good. Eat up."
Elliot sighed as he walked into the foyer, "Liv...dinner. Again?"
She smiled and shrugged, "I noticed you had no food in your fridge. Couldn't let Maureen and Kathleen go hungry."
He shook his head and shoved his hands in his pockets, "I want to see that receipt."
She stuck her tongue out at him playfully, "I threw it out."
Elliot growled and Maureen laughed as she took the bag from her, "Thanks Liv."
Olivia watched Maureen and Kathleen in the kitchen as they started to unpack their dinner. She kicked her shoes off, and dropped her bag on the ground before turning back to Elliot. He was still staring at her, immediately she felt her face flush and she tugged at the arms of her sweater, "What?"
He took a deep breath, "Olivia...I'm serious. How much was that?"
She shook her head, brushed past him and walked further into the room looking for the twins, "El it was no big deal. Let it go."
"It is a big deal." He said softly behind her, "I don't want you wasting your money on-"
"I'm not wasting money." She said, turning to stare at him, "I never go anywhere. Never buy anything. I have no kids of my own. I'm happy to help. It was just dinner. You've had a busy few days. Just...let me do this. Okay?"
He resisted the urge to pull her into his arms and just nodded slowly, "Okay but...don't make this a habit."
She playfully raised a finger and gave him a little salute, "Yes sir."
He rolled his eyes and laughed, "Really?"
She shrugged, "You were getting all authoritarian on me. Practicing to be Captain someday?"
He laughed again and shook his head, "Yeah...like they'd put me in charge."
She frowned at him, "El you're a great cop. You'd deserve it. I could totally see it happening if you wanted it too."
Elliot swallowed hard and looked down, "Well...thanks Liv. That means a lot."
Watching him carefully, she wondered about the smile from last night. Her mind wandered to the rest of their evening and how there was a playful, almost flirty banter between them. He had stayed awake longer than he should have, and she wanted to think it was because he didn't want her to leave.
Taking a deep breath, she glanced at him, "Where are the twins?"
"Upstairs watching TV in my room. Trying to keep them upstairs and the girls down here. Hoping they can be spared from this." He said with a sigh.
Olivia nodded, "Are you feeling okay?"
Elliot nodded, "Yeah. I'm fine."
She smiled and looked at the girls, "Well...why don't you go check in with the girls. Have dinner. I'll take the patients."
She started to walk towards the stairs and he grabbed her arm without thinking, "Liv…"
Looking down at his hand on her arm, she felt that familiar flutter in her chest again, "Yes?"
"I just…" His voice trailed away and he wished again that he was better about sharing his feelings, "I just wanted to-"
"You're welcome." She said, giving him a genuine smile, "But there is nothing to thank me for. Now…" She nudged him gently, "Go."
He watched as she ascended the stairs and felt that tug at his heart. Then, he turned and walked to the kitchen to check in with Kathleen and Maureen. They were already eating their dinner and had put some on a plate for him.
He smiled and sat down, "Good to see you have your appetites."
Kathleen smiled and nodded, "Is Liv going to stay for awhile?"
Elliot reached for a fork and nodded, "She's checking in with your brother and sister. That way I can spend some time with you two."
Maureen beamed at him, "She always shows up exactly when we need her. Don't you think?"
Elliot looked up and recognized that glint in his daughter's eye. Even at 9 years old, she was very perceptive. She had only been 6 when Kathy left, but she remembered the most out of all the kids as the oldest. He also knew that though she didn't say it, she carried the most pain from her Mother's abandonment. He wished he could talk to her about it but he didn't know what to say. But he also knew...that out of all of his kids Maureen understood that Olivia was more than just his work friend…
"She does…" He said, pushing around his dinner, "We're very lucky to have her in our lives."
"Does Liv have a boyfriend?" Kathleen asked with a mouthful of food.
Elliot's heart dropped to his stomach and he saw Maureen looking anxious, "Um...not that I know of Kathleen."
Maureen huffed and frowned, "She better not."
Elliot looked over at his daughter and frowned, "Maureen…"
"Well I'm just saying." She said with a shrug, "If she did have a boyfriend...I don't think he'd be too happy for her to be spending so much time with us. And I like having her here."
Elliot sighed and set his fork down, "Mo...I know you do. We all do. But...she has her own life. You know that."
Maureen watched him carefully, "So you want her to have a boyfriend?"
His face flushed and he stuttered slightly, "I...I didn't say that. I mean I-I just...I want her to be happy. And if she finds someone that makes her happy...then that's great."
Kathleen shrugged and kicked her little legs back and forth, "Olivia's not happy?"
He sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, "I didn't say that."
"Doesn't spending time with us make her happy?" Kathleen asked with a little pout.
"I…" His voice cracked and not for the first time he wondered how to field his kids questions, "I think it does...I mean I'm sure it does. She...she cares about you and your siblings a lot honey."
"Does she care about you too?" Kathleen asked curiously.
He could literally hear the pounding in his heart all the way up to his ears, "We're best friends Kathleen. Yeah...we care about each other."
Maureen smirked at her Dad, "You care about each other…"
Elliot shot her a look and shook his head, "I think we're done with this conversation. Eat your dinner."
Maureen looked over at her sister and smiled, "That's Dad talk for mind your own business…"
Elliot couldn't help but laugh but knew that the conversation was only over for now. IF he knew Maureen...she wasn't going to let this one go.
An hour later, Olivia was sitting between Richie and Lizzie on the bed. Lizzie's head was resting in Olivia's lap and Richie was leaning against her shoulder. The TV was on softly, a rerun of one of their favorite cartoons and she felt like she had seen it before with them.
Richie yawned and leaned into her further, "I'm thirsty."
Olivia reached out and took his water bottle from the bedside table and handed it to him, "Here buddy."
He took a sip and then handed it back to her, "Where's Daddy?"
"He's downstairs with Mo and Kathleen. Do you need him?" She asked, rubbing her hand through his brown hair.
Richie shook his head, "No. You're here."
She smiled and continued to play with his hair, "I'm here…"
Lizzie looked up at her Olivia and smiled, "Livvie...you should sleep over."
Olivia smiled at her, "You know I have my own place kiddo. This is your house."
Lizzie shrugged, "But you're here a lot. I bet you could sleep in Daddy's bed with him. It's big enough."
Olivia's heart jumped and she fidgeted anxiously, "You know um...friends don't share beds."
"Maureen says Daddy used to share a bed with our Mom." Richie said looking over at her.
Olivia knew they didn't remember Kathy, they had only been three months when she left. "Well...when people are married they do."
Both kids got quiet before Richie whispered, "Did you know our Mommy?"
Olivia took a deep breath and gave him a squeeze, "A little…"
Richie frowned and snuggled further into her before whispering in a sad voice, "I don't remember…"
Leaning down, she pressed a kiss to his head and held him close, "I know Richie. I know…"
"Think we can have some more crackers?" Lizzie asked softly, "I'm a little hungry."
Olivia smiled and started to scoot down the bed, "I'll go get some. Stay here."
She detached herself from their embraces and smiled when they cuddled together on the bed. Walking down the hall, she could hear Kathleen and Maureen coloring in the living room. She spotted Elliot cleaning up in the kitchen and walked over to him.
Turning towards her he smiled, "Everything okay?"
Olivia nodded and went to the pantry, "Yeah. They want to try some crackers. Lizzie said she's hungry which is a good sign."
Elliot sighed with relief, "Good."
She pulled the box down and turned towards Elliot. She never liked to bring up Kathy. Elliot usually got upset when she did and it would set him into a mood for days. She wanted to avoid that, she always did. But...she also felt like he deserved to know when the kids asked about her.
"Richie...asked me if I knew Kathy." She said softly, she saw him tense and her heart ached for him, "We didn't really talk about it. He just...said he didn't remember her. He sounded…"
She saw the lines of frustration rise on his face, "Yeah…"
Olivia looked back at Kathleen and Maureen, "How have they been doing?"
Elliot sighed and tossed the towel in his hand over to the counter, "They've stopped asking questions about her...or if she is coming back. Maureen never brings her up at all. Kathleen occasionally slips up. Maureen gets mad when she does…"
Olivia stared at him, "She's getting older...they all are. No matter how much time has passed...you only get one Mom." Shrugging sadly she whispered, "As much as my Mom put me through...she's the only parent I have. Even on the days I wanted to hate her...she was the only person I had in my life."
Elliot swallowed hard, he knew how hard it was for her to talk about her past, "Well I feel bad that they got a shitty Mom…"
"You...you haven't heard from Kathy at all?" Olivia asked softly.
Elliot looked up at her and sucked his lower lip in, "Nope. And I doubt I will."
She shook her head and frowned in disbelief, "How do you just…"
He didn't need her to finish her sentence to know what she was thinking, "I don't know. I know our marriage wasn't…" He flushed, "We weren't…" Another pause and then he looked at his two oldest girls sadly, "But those kids...they're my life Liv. I could never leave them. Not even on the worst days."
Walking over to him, she touched his arm and smiled, "I know. That's what makes you one hell of a Dad." He turned towards him and she shrugged, "They might not understand it fully now. But someday...your kids are going to see how much you sacrificed for them. They love you Elliot. You're doing an incredible job. I hope you know that."
Her words made his heart ache and for the second time that day, he wanted to pull her in for a hug, "I couldn't do it without you…"
She smiled and stepped back holding up the crackers, "You could. And you would. But lucky for you...you don't have too. I should get back upstairs…"
A week later, the kids were all feeling better and thankfully Kathleen and Maureen hadn't gotten sick. Elliot was back at work as usual and he and Olivia had settled back into a comfortable rhythm as partners. Despite the chaos of work, there were still moments of a little more flirtation, a little more closeness and both of them were enjoying it. But, they were still keeping a wall up not knowing for sure what the other person wanted...or they themselves wanted.
One evening, Elliot had gone home to relieve his Mom. Olivia had decided to stay to get a jumpstart on some paperwork that had been piling up. She was hoping if she got it done, she would be able to spend some time with Elliot and the kids this weekend. Deep down she wondered if it sounded crazy. She was a single woman living in the most energetic city in the world. For a weekend off, she should be going out. Should be seeking dates. Saying yes when men asked her out. And yet...all she wanted to do was go to soccer games, make dinner, have movie nights and spend time with the Five Stabler's.
Sighing, she rubbed some sleep out of her eye and noticed that Cragen was walking towards her. Glancing up she tried to smile and push thoughts of Elliot and the kids out of her mind. The last thing she needed was for her boss to pick up that something was happening with two of his employees. For as much as she knew she had feelings for ELliot...she couldn't bear the thought of losing their partnership. "Hi Cap. We catch a case? Fin's upstairs but I can-"
"No." He said softly, "But...I need to talk to you." She gave him a strange look and he whispered, "Why don't we go to my office?"
The tone he was using sent alarm bells off in her mind. Cragen had a soft spot for her. She knew that. He was protective. They all were. But usually, he tried to keep it as professional as possible. But his voice was soft, worried and the look on his face made her think that whatever he had to say wasn't going to be something good. She couldn't imagine what it was...and then her heart plummeted to her stomach. Was something wrong with Elliot? Was there an accident? Did one of the kids get hurt?
"Captain?" She asked softly, glancing over at Elliot's empty desk, "Is-"
"Olivia…" He said softly, then cocked his head towards his office.
Slowly, she pushed herself away from the desk, she stood there awkwardly for a moment as she watched Cragen retreat to his office. After a minute, she began to follow after him, trying to will herself to stay standing. She felt a sense of impending doom approaching her. When she walked into the dimly lit room, she closed the door behind her and she was so lost in thought that the slam of it against the wood startled her. Then she noticed another officer sitting in one of the chairs across from Cragen's desk. It wasn't anyone she recognized.
Cragen cleared his throat, "Olivia...this is Officer Stanley Wudrow."
Olivia looked at him and tried to smile, "Hello."
The Officer stood and stuck out his hand, "Hello Detective Benson."
She shook it then turned to Cragen, "What's going on?"
"Why don't you sit?" She gave him a look that told him she had no intention of sitting and he frowned, "Olivia...your Mother had an accident."
Instantly, she could feel her pulse quicken. She could hear the pounding in her ears. She hadn't spoken to her Mother in a few weeks. It wasn't uncommon for them to go periods of time without speaking. Her Mother often retreated into her drinking, her depression. And now that she was an adult, Olivia made a conscious choice to pull away from all of that. Mostly for her own sanity.
Licking her lips, she glanced back at Officer Wudrow, "What kind of an accident?"
Before he could respond, Cragen stepped in, "She fell. Down a flight of stairs at the subway and-"
Olivia shook her head adamantly, "Cap...my Mother never took the subway. Tell me the truth."
Sighing, he looked down, unable to meet her eyes, "She was found at the bottom of the stairs of the Velvet Room…"
And there it was. Stepping back slightly, Olivia whispered, "She was drunk."
"I'm so sorry." Cragen whispered to her, and she knew he meant it.
He knew the story of her Mother, of her conception. It had come up when she applied for the job. During her time at the police academy it had been revealed and Cragen had been tipped off before giving her the job. She had often wondered if he felt sorry for her. Or if he felt that her past would make her incapable of being partial. He never showed it. As a recovering alcoholic himself, she also knew that he understood Serena's struggles in his own way.
Olivia cleared her throat and nodded, "Um...yeah. Thanks. I-I should-"
"Take all the time you need." Cragen said to her, "Do you want me to call El-"
"No." She said quickly, before she even had time to think it through. "No. I'm fine. I just...I should go deal with somethings and then I'll be back to work-"
"Olivia...you need to take some time off." Cragen said stepping up to her again, "You need to process."
"I'm fine." She said quickly, not wanting to look or sound weak, "Cap it is what it is. I've waited for this day for years. I can handle it."
Cragen sighed and knew he wouldn't get far with her, "Can I drive you home at least?"
She shook her head and started to walk towards the door, "No. I'll take a cab. Night Cap."
Before he could say another word, she had turned and walked out of his office and straight to her desk. He watched her grab her coat and keys before fleeing towards the elevator.
The next morning, Elliot walked into the squad room with a tray of coffee for him, Olivia, Munch and Fin. He saw the two men sitting at their desks, clearly arguing about something which wasn't unusual. What was unusual, was that Olivia's desk was empty. He knew she had stayed last night to finish some paperwork but he hoped she hadn't stayed all night.
Desposting the coffees on his desk, he caught Munch's eye, "No Olivia?"
Munch looked up and frowned and quickly looked away again. "Maybe you should talk to Cap…"
His body instantly tensed and he looked at the closed door to his bosses office, "What? Why? What happened?"
Fin and Munch didn't answer but they both shook their heads sadly. Elliot turned and walked towards the far end of the squad room, willing his heart to calm down in his chest. His knuckles wrapped loudly on the glass and he didn't wait to be let in. Cragen looked up from his desk and quickly stood up.
"What happened?" Elliot said anxiously, "Where's Liv?"
"Close the door." Cragen answered, Elliot glared at him and the older man sighed, "She's okay. Just...close the door."
Elliot slammed the door behind him and stepped further into the room, "Cap-"
"Look she asked me not to say anything. Fin and Munch only figured it out because they heard me on the phone with her this morning to check in." He said with a sigh, "She's going to kill me."
"What happened?" He said again, his eyes wide and anxious.
Cragen eyed him carefully. Lately he had sensed a shift between his two best detectives. He had always known they were close. Closer than partners should be. Ever since Kathy had left, Olivia had been there for Elliot and the kids whenever they needed her. He had fielded more than a few questions from the Brass and IAB about Benson and Stabler and he wondered if he was going to have more coming his way.
"Her Mother passed away." He whispered, he saw Elliot step back slowly, "She fell...down the stairs at the Velvet Room. She was well over the legal limit and she broke her neck."
Elliot gripped the back of the seat in front of him, "When?"
"Yesterday afternoon. Olivia found out after you had gone home. I asked if she wanted me to call you but she...she said no. I was just doing what she asked." He said, knowing Elliot would be upset.
He nodded slowly, his mind was reeling and he wanted to turn and run out the door and straight to her apartment, "Sure. Sure. And you said you talked to her today?"
Cragen nodded, "I did. She's...making arrangements. Wants to make it quick and small. She made it adamantly clear she doesn't want any of us there."
Elliot huffed loudly, "Of course not."
"You know her relationship with Serena was...tumultuous." He whispered, "She's...feeling conflicted about a lot of things."
Elliot glanced up at his boss in surprise, "You're not going to go?"
Cragen shrugged, "I don't want to upset her…"
"She shouldn't be alone." He whispered with a sad shake of his head, "Not for this."
Cragen nodded slowly, "I agree. But I think if we all show up she will feel overwhelmed. She'll pull away." He paused a moment then said, "So...maybe it's best if it's just you."
Elliot stood up a little straighter and took a deep breath, surprised at the suggestion , "Cap-"
"Things are slow here." Cragen said, "Go...check on her. Then call me. She's a good liar...but I'd like eyes on her to know she's as okay as she claims."
Elliot didn't need to be told twice, he turned quickly and exited the room. He looked at Fin and Munch once and they both gave him a nod, clearly understanding where he was going.
Twenty minutes later, he pulled up in front of her apartment building. He wondered if he should call first. But knowing Olivia...she'd either not answer or tell him to leave her alone. He felt frustrated. For all she preached about asking for help when he needed it, she didn't follow her own advice.
Being Olivia's partner, he was a frequent guest at the apartment building. One of Olivia's neighbors recognized him and let him in which was a relief because he knew that if he buzzed up, she wouldn't let him in. He rode the elevator to the tenth floor and walked anxiously down the hallway to her door.
When he got there, he hesitated. What if she slammed the door in his face? What if she started yelling? What if she pushed him farther away? Sighing, he knew it was a risk he was going to have to take. Tentatively, he lifted his hand and rapped on the oak door and waited.
After a minute or two, the door opened and there she stood. Still in the same clothes as the night before when he had left her at work. She looked like she had just woken up, her eyes were glassy and heavy with sleep. Her brown hair curled around her face and she looked confused and a bit surprised to see him. He waited patiently, letting her comprehend what was happening. Then he saw her take a deep breath and let out a little sigh before stepping aside to let him in.
He walked into the dark apartment, the curtains were drawn in the living room. The TV was on but only playing on a soft volume. There was a bottle of wine on the counter but it didn't look like she had opened it. A blanket was rumpled on the couch and he knew she had been sleeping there.
Turning slowly, he saw her close the door before glancing back at him looking clearly frustrated, "Cragen has a big mouth."
"You should have called me." He said without missing a beat, searching her face for clues to her demeanour.
He saw her roll her eyes, a defense tactic and his heart ached for her, "Elliot I'm fine."
"Olivia…" He said sternly, "Your Mother d-"
"I know." She snapped quickly, cringing at the sound of her own raw voice and the fact that she was being difficult, "I don't need a recap but thank you."
He sighed and stepped up to her and she cringed, "I'm...I'm sorry. I just…" Carefully, he reached a hand out to her and whispered, "Liv you don't have to do this alone…"
He saw the tears welling up in her eyes and he wanted to envelop her in his arms and never let go, "How is it possible to love and hate someone so much all at the same time?" She spoke so softly he wasn't sure he had even heard her at first.
The pain in her voice made the decision for him, he slowly pulled her against his chest without giving it a second thought, "I understand." He heard her start to cry even though she was stiff in his arms, "It's okay...it's okay Liv. Talk to me..."
Her hands were at her sides but when she felt him wrap his arms around her tighter, she gave in and reached out to cling to his shirt. She hadn't cried since Cragen had told her. She didn't seem able to. She had hailed a cab, dragged herself upstairs and went straight for the kitchen. When she pulled the bottle of wine out of the cabinet, she wanted to down the whole thing. But as she reached for a glass, her stomach rolled and she thought of all the nights her Mother had reached for alcohol to solve her problems washed over her. Abandoning it on the counter, she had curled up on the couch and lay there wide away reliving every horrible moment of her childhood until she had fallen asleep from pure exhaustion. The next thing she remembered was hearing a knock on the door. And now...here she was being held by the only person she had really wanted to see but was too afraid to reach out to.
"Now I'm really alone." She mumbled into his chest, saying the words that had been slowly swirling in her mind all night, "I have no one."
Elliot squeezed her tighter and dropped a kiss to the top of her head, something he had never done before, "You have me."
His words only made her cry harder and he rocked her gently back and forth. For a moment he wondered if what he said upset her. But she quickly clung to him harder and he felt a shift as if she was finally letting him all the way in. She had been there for him through so much in the last few years. Her support never waivered. She never asked questions, never let him down. She was his rock. And now it was his turn to be hers...only if she would let him.
He felt her trembling and he started to move them further into the apartment, "Come sit."
He was grateful when she didn't push him away or protest, instead she followed him. Together they sat on the couch, he never removed his arm from her. They sat in silence for a few minutes while she calmed down enough to stop crying.
Finally, she pulled away and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands, "God. Sorry. I'm a mess."
He lifted his hand to her back and rubbed gentle circles there, "You are not." She shot him a frustrated look and he smiled, "Liv...we work together. We've seen each other working days straight. It's okay...plus...do we not remember the day you took care of my pathetic drunk ass after Kathy left?"
She smiled softly at him and wiped the tears away from her face, "I thought you never wanted to talk about that again."
He smirked, "I'll let it slide this time…"
Olivia smiled and looked down at her hands remembering that night like it was yesterday.
Kathy had been gone for two weeks. She hadn't called yet and Elliot couldn't find her. He was in and out of work, trying desperately to juggle it all but it wasn't cutting it. Cragen had sent him home one night after he had crossed a line with a perp. Olivia had tried to talk to him before he left but he had all but shoved her out of the way on his way out making it clear he had nothing to say. She was walking out of the precinct to go home, when her phone rang. She didn't recognize the number but she answered anyway, "Benson." Olivia paused, not recognizing the voice, "This is Olivia…" She heard a relieved sigh and then, "This is Bernie Stabler. Elliot's Mother." She could hear the twins crying and Kathleen and Maureen arguing, "I'm so sorry to call you like this. I'm not even sure if...I just didn't know what else to do." Olivia nodded as she slid into the cab, "She still hasn't called?" They ended the phone call and Olivia counted down the minutes until she got to his house in Queens. When the cab finally pulled up out front, she threw some money at the driver and climbed out. Bernie had sent her a text after they hung up saying she left a key under the front mat. Quickly, she walked up the path and climbed the stairs and reached for the key. Quietly, she let herself into the house and noticed how dark it was inside. She had been over a few days ago to check in and it was a mess. Now it looked like a tornado had blown through the place. She looked towards the kitchen but saw no movement, upstairs was completely dark. She was about to call his name when she heard a groan from somewhere to her left. Turning, she walked into the living room and her heart dropped to her stomach and she wished she could find Kathy and give her a piece of her mind. On the floor by the couch, Elliot was half sitting, half slouched over the coffee table. He had a whisky bottle in front of him that was ¾ of the way empty. As long as she had known him, he was always so put together. Even when he was angry at work and fighting with a perp, he was in control. Now he looked so beaten down and broken. He turned his head and squinted at her, "Liv?" Kneeling down beside him, she put a gentle hand on his arm, "Yeah…I'm here." Elliot stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out what was happening, "When...how?" She shook her head and scooted closer to him, "Don't worry about that right now. Do you think you can stand?" He grumbled and tried to lift his large body but he fell forward again and he laughed, "Guess not." Olivia frowned and squeezed his arm, "I'll help you. But you need to work with me a bit. Okay? I won't let you fall." Slowly, he started to sit back, pull his legs out from under the table and tried to push himself up as Olivia pulled his weight. They stumbled slightly, but finally, he fell back against the couch and let out a frustrated sigh. Closing his eyes, he tried to keep the spinning from overtaking his body because he was afraid he was going to be sick. He could hear Olivia moving things in front of him and he quickly reached a hand out. She gave him a look and shook her head, "No Elliot. You don't. It won't solve anything. You've had enough." He pouted and whispered, "You're no fun." She smiled softly and touched his arm, "I'm going to get you some water. Stay here." He lifted a heavy hand and sighed, "Couldn't move if I tried." He closed his eyes again and listened as she moved around his house with ease. He heard the clanking of the bottle, the sound of the cabinets being opened and the rushing water as she filled a glass for him. Then she was beside him again, she placed a gentle hand on his arm and urged him to sit up a little, "Drink this." He cleared his burning throat and grasped the glass with shaky hands, "Whiskey would taste better…" She smiled at him and rubbed his back, "Just drink…" He took a few slow gulps and felt it drop down to his stomach and then he sighed and pushed it away, unable to drink more. Laying back, he rested his head on the back of the couch and was grateful when she didn't push him to talk. He almost felt like he could drift off to sleep, and then he realized how quiet it was. The way he bolted up out of his seat shocked her, and he was so unsteady he almost fell onto and broke the coffee table. Stumbling backwards, he fell onto the couch and was half on top of her. He heard her gasp and knew he was crushing her but he didn't seem able to move, "I…" Pushing him to the side gently, she caught her breath and whispered, "It's okay. Everything is okay." He felt her start to rub soothing circles on his back, "Your Mom has the kids. And I' m here with you. It's okay. Just breathe Elliot...breathe…" The way they were sitting, his back was against her chest and he could feel her heart beating. Leaning his head back, he wished he could just stay like this forever. He hadn't realized how alone he had felt lately, even before Kathy had left. The roughness in his voice sent a shiver down her spine and she wrapped an arm around his front, "I know Elliot. I know...but maybe-" She squeezed him to her and sighed, "El...I don't know. I don't know how or why she did it. But you aren't an asshole...it's okay to not be meant for each other. Divorce happens. But to walk away from her children is something different. I don't have an answer for you. I don't know how to fix it. For you or for them. But they need you to just...be here." Elliot swallowed hard, "Liv…" She felt the sob in his chest before she heard it and her heart broke, "I can't do this alone…" Olivia quickly moved him to the side and he felt the absence of her arms around him immediately. But she knelt in front of him and pulled him into a sitting position, she rested one hand on his leg and put one hand on his cheek, "You are not alone. I'm your partner El. I may not be their Mother but I will be here every step of the way. And so will your Mom. You don't have to do this alone." Elliot leaned forward and started to cry, "I just don't want to fail them…" Elliot sighed and nodded his head as the tears fell harder, "Liv?" Reaching out she rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah?" She wished she could tell him she loved him, that he never had to be without her again. That she would take care of him, and his children always. That she thought Kathy was the biggest idiot in the world from walking away from him. Instead, she stood up knowing that if she crossed that line now, even if it was what she wanted he was in no shape for that. Even if he did reach for her...it would only be because he was lonely and she couldn't handle that. Sitting beside him, she reached for him and he leaned against her, resting his head in her lap. "I'm here El. I'm right here." Elliot sighed and felt himself relax for the first time since Kathy had left, "I don't know what I did to deserve you Olivia...but I'm damn glad you're here." She smiled and rubbed a hand up and down his arm to reassure him and she relaxed when she felt him begin to let go. And in that moment she knew that no matter what happened next...she'd never leave his side. Even if he never loved her the way she loved him...she couldn't abandon him or his children like Kathy had.
Back at the apartment, Olivia thought about what it had felt like to hold Elliot that night. They had never crossed that line since that night. They had maintained those strict boundaries as best they could. The occasional hug here and there, but nothing as intimate as that night. But as the pain of her own emotions coursed through her, she knew she needed him now more than ever. Even if it was just for tonight…
As if he could read her mind, he put a hand on her arm and whispered, "I'm here Olivia. I'm right here…"
Swallowing hard, she glanced at him quickly, "I don't know how to do this." He gave her a strange look, "I don't know how to...lean on people. I learned a long time ago that the only person I could count on was myself."
Elliot frowned, "I hope you know that you can count on me." She was quiet for a moment and he sighed, "Olivia...you can count on me. Please know that. I wish you had felt like you could have called me. How many times have I called you in the last few years? How many times have I relied on you?"
She shook her head and looked down, "It's not a competition Elliot."
"I'm not saying that." He said scooting closer to her, "But...it goes both ways. You've asked me to let you in and I have. I'm asking you to do the same for me now. You can't do this alone...nor should you have too."
She was quiet for a moment, trying to come up with something to say, "I'm just...confused."
"Okay…" He said gently, continuing to rub her back hoping it would soothe her, "Tell me about that."
She felt a new wave of tears coursing through her and she leaned forward, putting a hand to her face, "She's my Mom. She's the only parent I had. I have no idea who my Father is. Nor do I ever want to know...but she was the only family I had. The only connection to something real. I've spent so many years wondering who I am. I don't...I don't really know who I am El. My life...was so messed up. I saw so many things I shouldn't have had to see. There were good moments...but they were rare. And I'm trying to hold onto those but all I can think about is the bad times...the times when she beat the crap out of me. Or she left me to fend for myself when I couldn't. I think about the alcohol...the arguments. And I know...I know what she went through was terrible and I have to cut her some slack for that but God...sometimes I hate her so much."
Beside her, Elliot wanted to scream and lash out at all the people that had caused her pain in her life and he wished more than anything that he could make it go away, "You know that...that it's okay to feel that. It's warranted."
She frowned and looked at him with a confused look, "But what good is that? She's dead El...and I hadn't talked to her in awhile. I was avoiding her. And I just...I feel this guilt. She drank because of me."
Elliot shifted on the couch and tried to turn her towards him, "No Olivia...she didn't drink because of you."
She tugged her arm out of his grasp, "She drank because she was raped. I'm the symbol of that rape Elliot. Me. I represent what he did to her. I wish she had just had an abortion. I'd be better off dead."
"Stop." He said in a louder voice then he had intended and he saw her flinch and begin to pull further away from him, "Olivia…"
"I wish I was dead." She said again, "Maybe she would have had a better chance. Maybe she'd be alive. Maybe-"
"Olivia." He said again, he stood up and sat across from her, "Look at me." She didn't move and he tried to speak in a softer voice, "Please?"
It took her a moment but slowly she lifted her head, "Elliot-"
"This world is a better place because you're in it." He saw her body relax slightly, "My life is infinitely better with you in it. So are my kids. What your Mother went through was awful. We all know that. We see it everyday but she chose to keep you. I'm not saying that your life was easy and God I wish I could fix it for you. But this is the hand you were dealt. You're allowed to feel angry. You're allowed to feel conflicted about all of this. I wouldn't expect you to just...be okay. But what you aren't going to do is doubt your worth. I won't let you."
He saw her lip tremble again and her shoulders began to shake, "Elliot-"
"I'm right here. Okay? You need to lean on me the way I've leaned on you. I'm not going to let you push me away when you need it most. If I had done that...God knows what would have happened to my kids. To me. We needed you. And right now you need me. I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere no matter how hard you try to pretend that you're alone. You will never be alone. Not while I'm alive. I wish I could make you see how much you mean to me." When he stopped talking, he saw her eyes were trained on him and it would have been easy to say those three words…
He wondered if it would have made a difference. But it didn't feel like the right time. She was too vulnerable. If they were ever going to have a chance at something more...it couldn't be like this. But he would be damned if he let her suffer alone.
He watched her take a slow breath and then whispered, "Elliot...can you just. Can you…"
"Anything." Elliot whispered to her, "Anything you need...just ask."
"Can you just...sit here with me. I'm so tired...but I don't want to be alone." Her voice broke again and she leaned forward and the tears fell freely.
Elliot shifted so he was on the couch beside her, "I'm right here…"
Much like the night she had taken care of him after Kathy left, she curled up and rested her head in his lap. Finally, he felt her body relax as she cried and he held her close, rubbing her arm and running a hand through her hair to soothe her. He wanted to do so much more in that moment to try and make her see that she was everything to him. But she wasn't ready to hear it...and he knew it would only push her further away. He had to be patient, and know that at least for today she was letting him in on one of the hardest days. That had to be enough…
Two days later, Elliot stood beside Olivia at the graveyard as the priest said a prayer. She had asked that Elliot not bring his kids, she didn't want them there. But she had relented and knew there was no keeping Fin, Cragen and John away. They were standing behind her and waited patiently.
When it was over, Elliot wrapped an arm around her shoulder and whispered, "You okay?"
Sighing, she turned from the grave to Elliot and nodded, "Yeah…"
"Come on…" He whispered to her, "It's cold…"
Reluctantly, she leaned into him and let him turn her, she tried to smile at her other coworkers, "Thanks for uh...coming."
Cragen nodded, "Are you hungry? We could…"
Shaking her head she smiled, "No...no I'm just…"
Fin walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, "We're here. Whatever you need."
Olivia smiled, stood up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around him, "Thank you.'
Elliot watched as Olivia gave John and Cragen each a hug before they said their goodbyes. He wrapped his arm around her again and they began to walk towards his car. "Do you want me to take you home?"
Olivia looked at him slowly, "Actually...can we go to your house?"
Elliot stopped for a moment, surprised by her words, "My house?"
Immediately, she felt the blush in her cheeks and she looked down, "Your kids...they will distract me. I know Cragen won't let me go back to work and I just...I want to think of something else. Be somewhere else. Just for a little while."
Elliot gave her a little squeeze and a reassuring smile, "They've been wanting to see you too. Come on…"
He felt her relax against him as they walked all the way to the car and started the drive to Queens.
An hour later, Olivia was curled up on the couch reading a book to Lizzie, Richie and Kathleen. Maureen was in the kitchen with her Dad cleaning up from lunch.
Maureen glanced at her Dad and then back at Olivia, "Is she okay?"
Elliot turned to his daughter, she hadn't had much experience with death in her life. His own Father had died when Maureen was very little, before Kathleen had even been born. Other than their pet hamster...no one important to her had passed away. In some ways he was sure losing Kathy was like a death but this was different.
Elliot closed the fridge and walked over to his daughter, "She's...getting there Mo. It will take sometime."
Maureen nodded and then a frowned formed on her face, "I don't want her to be sad."
Elliot walked all the way over to her, leaned down and dropped a kiss to her head, "I know. But we just need to be here for her...she loves spending time with you, your sisters and Richie. She asked to come here to see you. Go on…"
Maureen looked at her Dad, then quickly wrapped her arms around his middle, "I love you Dad."
His heart jumped in his chest and he wrapped his strong arms around her small frame and squeezed gently, "I love you too. More than you know."
After a moment, she pulled away and walked over to sit with her siblings and Olivia. Smiling, Olivia reached a hand out to her and gave her arm a squeeze before returning back to the book. From his spot in the kitchen, Elliot watched in awe at the way Olivia fit in so well with his four kids like she had been there forever. Even today, after burying her own Mother she was at their side like nothing else mattered. He wondered how it was possible to be so selfless despite all she had been through in her life. Turning, he went back to cleaning up the kitchen knowing that for the time being, Olivia was okay with his kids.
Later that night, Elliot put the twins and Kathleen to bed and Olivia was sitting with Maureen in her room. She pulled a book off the shelf and smiled, she enjoyed reading before bed and Elliot always let her stay up after as she was the oldest.
Olivia smiled when she saw the book in her hand, "Little House on the Prairie?"
Maureen looked down and nodded, "I'm on book four."
"I loved these when I was growing up." She said, taking the book from her, "I must have read them half a dozen times."
Maureen smiled, "Do you still like to read?"
"When I can." She said with a smile, "I wish I could read more...but some days I'm too tired to read."
Maureen nodded, "You and Dad work a lot…" Olivia smiled and handed her the book back, "Did your Mom like to read?"
Olivia froze for a moment, not anticipating being asked about her Mom. She knew Elliot had told the kids, at least Maureen what had happened. "Um...she did. She loved it actually. She was an English Professor...she read as much as she could. In fact...I think she read the first one of these books to me."
Maureen was quiet as she studied Olivia. Her Father had told her not to bring anything up that would upset her but...since hearing that Olivia's Mother had died she had a lot of questions of her own. And she felt comfortable with Olivia, more comfortable than she had ever felt with her own Mother.
"Do you miss her?" Maureen asked softly, Olivia could sense the hesitation in her voice.
Clearing her throat, she sighed, "Yeah…"
Frowning, Maureen whispered, "I don't miss my Mom. Not anymore."
Olivia began to understand where this was going, "Mo…"
"She didn't love me. She didn't love Kathleen, Lizzie or Richie. I don't know why she even had us." She said with a shudder, "What was the point if she was just going to leave us anyway?"
"Maureen…" She whispered softly, "Your Mom...she just…" She sighed and then sat up a little straighter, "I can't begin to explain why your Mother did what she did. But I do understand what it's like to have a complicated relationship with a parent. I never knew my Father and my Mom...well we didn't get along well. For many reasons. But at the end of the day...she was still your Mom."
Maurene looked at her and whispered, "And now neither of us have a Mother. Mine's not dead but she might as well be. She'll never come back and I don't want her too…"
"Look Maureen I know...I know that I'm not your Mom. I can't fix what-" She paused and then took a deep breath, "But if you need someone to talk to...I'm here. Whatever you need."
Maureen looked down and felt tears prickling in her eyes, "Olivia...can I tell you a secret?"
Reaching out, she took her hand and squeezed, "You can tell me anything."
"I wish…" Maureen sucked in her lower lip and wiped a tear away, "I wish you were my Mom instead."
"Maureen…" Olivia whispered, shocked by her words, "I-"
"You are always there when we need you and I love having you here. I just wish...I wish it was for real." She said in a soft voice, "I really do."
Olivia sighed and leaned forward to pull her into her arms, "Hey...I'll always be here for you. No matter what. I promise."
Maureen rested her head on her shoulder and cried, "Don't make promises you can't keep…"
Olivia pulled back just enough to look her in the eye, "I never make promises unless I mean them Maureen. No matter what happens in life...you need me? I'm there. No questions asked. Always."
Maureen sighed, leaned in again and hugged her tight, "Then you should know that we're here for you too. We'll be your family now."
Maureen's words sent a rush of affection and emotion through her heart. Nothing more needed to be said…
When she went downstairs, Elliot was sitting at the table nursing a beer and there was another bottle sitting beside him. She sat down and reached for the bottle, popping the cap off she lifted it to her lips.
"I should call a cab…" Olivia whispered softly.
Elliot glanced over at her and rolled his bottle between his hands before nervously saying, "You can...stay if you want."
She didn't respond at first, and he wondered what was going through her head or if he had overstepped a boundary. He just hated to think of her going home all alone and selfishly, he wanted her here. He always wanted her here...
He watched as she took another swing of her beer and then started to talk again, "I know that you said Maureen doesn't like to talk about it...but I think she might need to talk to you." He gave her a strange look and she whispered, "About Kathy."
Elliot let her words sink in before he leaned across the table, "What did she say?"
She shrugged slowly and sighed, "I just think that my Mom's death brought up some questions...some feelings she's been suppressing."
Elliot cringed, "Liv I'm sorry if-"
She shook her head and smiled, "She didn't say anything that upset me." She paused and then sighed, "I just...don't want her to wake up one day my age and be so screwed up because of the things her Mom did or didn't do. I want her to be able to trust people and not push people away. I want her to be happy. To...understand that not everyone is going to walk away...I want her to trust her best friend enough to allow them all the way in. Even though it scares the shit out of her…"
Elliot frowned and tried to reach for her hand but she pulled it away, "Liv-"
"I...need to call a cab." She said standing up slowly, needing some space. "Thanks for...today El. I'll see you at work."
Elliot watched her walk towards the living room where her bag was. He saw her take out her phone and call the number for a cab. He wanted to go to her, he wanted to make her stay. He wanted her to tell her so many things, promise her the world if she would just let him all the way in. Instead, he let her walk out the door. He wondered how long they were going to have to play this game, if she would ever let him close enough or she'd ever even trust him fully.