Harry Potter & the Caer Azkaban Parody

Chapter Two

"So what is happening next?" Eppy asked.

Harry took another gulp of his tea and began, "Well…"

x-x-x-x-x

"Well, you see Narcissa Malfoy was in the house when Ron, Hermione and I apparated into the sitting room. It seems that she was rummaging around the library looking for a certain locket that once belonged to ole Salazar Slytherin himself. You see it had actually been one of the Horcruxes and somehow Voldemort and his Death Eaters found out that it was in my possession, even though I didn't know it at the time."

"Oooo, this is being sounding exciting Master Harry," squeaked the elf excitedly.

"Actually, it wasn't too exciting until Ron discovered her when he went down to have a snack from the kitchen. Hermione and I had stayed in the sitting room abusing Rufus repeatedly for his stupidity when we heard the two cursing each other."

"Eppy is thinking that you's is jumping into the middle of battle and torturing that bad witch and you's is then punishing her good you's did!"

Harry smiled and admitted, "Well, no, that's not quite what happened."

Sighing, the elf replied, "Of course it isn't."

"Well Ron wasn't doing too badly in his duel with Narcissa Malfoy, until she realized that Hermione and I were coming down to help Ron fight her. That was when she either panicked or decided to show us that she was indeed a child of the Black family and began using more dark and lethal curses to defend herself. The three of us were fine with no lasting damage but she did make her escape without the item that she was looking for."

"Did you's find the Hor… Horcru … that thinga-ma-jig?" asked Eppy as she continued to take notes in her Hello Kitty diary.

"Eventually," Harry said, "After I had called Kreacher in to explain what was going on, I found out about the locket and Kreacher's mission to destroy it. It was found in a cabinet where it had been hidden by him many years before. Ron, Hermione and I took the locket back with us to Hogwarts at the beginning of our seventh year and destroyed it with the venom from a Basilisk fang. Kreacher was there is watch it happen and I think it made a big difference to his attitudes after that."

"They's couldn't be getting any worse," muttered the little elf.

"Things were oddly enough getting back into a semi-normal routine for the school once our seventh had started. I mean Dumbledore was dead and Snape had become the new Headmaster over Professor McGonagall and that was pretty much shit," the lord of Caer Azkabn reflected. "Voldemort and his Death Eaters for some reason left the school running like normal and didn't interfere with it at all. They mainly concentrated on the Ministry of Magic itself. However, it wasn't until one morning around Halloween, when I was sitting at the Gryffindor table with Ron, Hermione and Neville having our breakfast that Hedwig flew in with the other post owls and quickly found me."

x-x-x-x-x

"Good morning," Harry said happily as she landed on the table with a letter tied to her leg, which she extended for him to remove. "Who's my pretty girl? You know that you're the cleverest owl in the whole castle don't you?"

"Mate," Ron said with a mouth full of food, "you seriously need to get a girlfriend, you know that right?"

"Leave him alone Ron," Hermione said to him.

"Who sent you the letter Harry?" asked Neville in an attempt to stop the two from bickering again.

Sighing and putting the missive down in disgust, he replied, "It seems our lovely new Headmaster wishes to see me in his office this morning." Shoving the plate away, Harry lets his head fall on the table with a thump completely missing the cringing expression from his three friends.

x-x-x-x-x

"What did Professor Greasy-pants wanting with you's Master Harry?"

With a soft chuck, the Lord of Azkaban repeats, "Professor Greasy-pants?"

"Yes, Eppy thinks that is a good name for him."

"Well Professor Greasy-pants, as you call him, inviting me to his office for a meeting with another student named Draco Malfoy. Do you know who he is by chance?"

"Oh yes, he is that bitchy blonde Slytherin boy whose daddy likes to dresses up like a Victorian French pornographer."

"I bet that the Harry from the other story just loves you, doesn't he?"

"Eppy thinks so, yes, especially when I dresses up in my tight black leather cat suit and is whipping his enemies."

"Anyway, Professor Greasy-pants and that bitchy blonde Slytherin boy were both already in the office when I arrived."

x-x-x-x-x

"Took you long enough Potter," spat Severus Snape while Malfoy smirked.

Biting his tongue, "I only just received your note a little while ago and it did say to be here at this time."

"Enough of your insolence, you glory seeking brat, you should have arrived early for this important meeting today. You are just like your father, arrogant and self-important attention seeker roaming the halls expecting everyone to thank you just for being there."

"And yet he managed to get my mother to fall in love with him and they were happily married."

The headmaster was about to explode when Malfoy interjected, "Perhaps we can get on with this meeting sir."

Without moving his teeth, lips or any facial muscle, he replied, "Yes."

Moving to the front of the headmaster's desk, Malfoy leans against it and begins, "Potter, I know that we have not gotten along very well over the past few years." Malfoy then continued as he ignored Harry's snort of derision, "However, certain events have occurred to me recently that have made me reconsider our relationship with one another."

"Okay," Harry said cautiously, "what events occurred to you?"

"Over the summer months I had a chance meeting with an agent from the Veela Council. It seems they lost track of the Malfoy family and were checking in on us to make sure we were still thriving. I'm not sure how they managed to lose track of us, as we are prominent members of the British Magical society. While she was there," Malfoy began but didn't want to continue as if willing Harry to know the rest of the story already. However, he received a withered glare as if to say get on with it. "While she was there she managed to activate my dormant magical genes and transformed me into a male Veela."

"And"

"And what Potter, haven't you guessed yet at what an honor is being presented to you?" sneered the Headmaster. "Are you so idiotic not to know what is being told to you?"

"Severus," said the portrait of Albus Dumbledore, "let the boys get on with it on their own terms please."

Snape huffed but sat back down in his chair and waited.

"And," Harry repeated, dreading the oncoming storm that he knew now was coming.

"And because I am now a Veela, I am magically bound to connect with my mate and bond with that person. We will make love and during that beautiful act our souls will connect and we would be bond mates for life."

"Uh-huh, and why are you telling me this?"

"Of all the idiotic things …" Snape began as he sprang from his chair again.

"SEVERUS!"

"Yes, Albus," Snape said again without moving any part of his face and lips as he once again returned to his chair.

"I'm telling you this Potter, because it seems you are my bond mate," Malfoy admitted grudgingly. As if saying these words made him sick to his stomach to admit to.

"Oh hell no!"

"What?" supplied the two other wizards and the painting of one.

"I said, 'Oh hell no!' and to honest I meant it. What makes you think that I would ever accept you in my life and be connected to you in such a way that would prevent me from forming a relationship with someone I actually liked let alone loved? I really don't care what transformations you have gone through, I don't want you and I will not have you in my personal life."

"You have no choice in this Potter."

"Like hell I don't," spat Harry as he turned on his heels and marched out of the Headmaster's office.

x-x-x-x-x

"Why would Mistress Fangalla write another Bitchy Malfoy Boy as a Veela story? We's already being having two of them?"

Harry stared at the little elf and asked, "I don't understand what you mean."

"It is not mattering Master Harry," Eppy said. "What is happening next?"

"Well Malfoy, with the Headmaster's help I might add, began to pester me nonstop over the next couple of weeks. His schedule was changed to coincide with my own, which meant we were taking almost the exact same classes. He also began attempting to harass my friends into staying away from me, trying to isolate me as much as possible. A few of his Slytherin cronies actually helped him on that one. Poor Neville ended up in the hospital wing for a few days after one such altercation." Then taking a drink from his cup as if to fortify himself, Harry continues, "I guess it started to become too much for him, you know that Veela cannot be without their mates once they have been identified, he started to become more and more desperate or perhaps as an excuse to be more selfish, I'm not sure which."

Harry paused again and Eppy looked at him with some concern in her eyes.

"Anyway, one evening after dinner, Ron, Hermione and I were returning to Gryffindor Tower to drop off our things and then go see Neville before curfew when we were all ambushed by a group of Slytherins. Ron got cursed pretty bad while Hermione was stunned and tied up. Malfoy hit me with the bombarda, uh who know, the blasting curse, which broke a couple of my ribs in the process before he stunned me as well."

"Master Harry, I don't …"

"Wait for it, I'm getting there," he said sadly. "When I was woken up, Malfoy had already stripped me naked and tied me to stakes that were driven into the stone floor face down. You see a Veela cannot have sex with an unconscious person because the bond won't take, so he woke me up just in time to plunge himself right into me against my will. I was raped on the boy's room floor and poor Hermione was tied up in the corner helpless and watched the whole thing happen."

"Oh, Master Harry."

"Don't you dare pity me," the Lord of Azkaban said as he walked over the side cabinet and poured himself a glass of Firewhiskey. "I've had enough pity over this as it is and it took me a very long time to be able to look Hermione in the eye again after that. However, Malfoy was satisfied, the mating ritual had come to a conclusion and I was now his whether I liked it or not and somewhere in the bowels of the Ministry of Magic and in the archives of the Veela Council a marriage was listed between Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter."

"Okay, Master Harry, let's us be thinking about this calmly as Eppy goes and gets 'Tallulah' and chops him into bits and pieces."

"Oh, but you can't do that," admitted Harry. "Thanks for offering though."

"Why is that Master Harry?"

"Because that bitchy blonde Slytherin is already dead."

To Be Continued … Please Read and Review

I know it's been a little while since I last updated this story, which was on 31 August 2005. Which means it's been fifteen years, six months and 28 days since I last worked on this story. Oddly enough the entire outline was extensively written and all I now need to do is go back in and add dialogue for actual conversations.