A/N: Hi everyone! I just wanted to say thank you all so much for all the nice feedback you gave me for the first chapter! I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and that pushed me to continue this story as I'm also loving all the MerHayes content during this half of the season. I started writing this chapter after the events in episodes 17x08 and 17x10. But I had finished most of it before 17x13 aired so the ending of this isn't too accurate to the show, but I hope you all enjoy anyway! As always, there are quotes and other details that have been extracted right from the show, but there are things from my own interpretation as well and how I imagine MerHayes' relationship to be progressing. Enjoy!
"I'm begging you. Fight."
His words rang in her head as she continued to be trapped in her own mind, in her perfect little fantasy world. This time she found herself walking across the shoreline with the waves gently lapping over her feet. The coolness of the water made her shiver, but in a way that made her feel like electricity was pulsing through her veins and making her feel alive. She could feel the warmth of the sun on her face and truly for the first time in her life, she felt at peace. No trauma, no dying patients, no triggers to remind her of everything she spent years trying to forget. Instead, she felt surrounded by everything and everyone she had ever lost and found so much contentment that she knew having to leave it all behind had the potential to damage her, something the outside world had already done enough of. She always believed that she survived each trauma and disaster for a reason; that there was always something left to fight for. But what was left now?
How could she return to a world that was slowly going up in flames? How could she return to a world where her parents- as damaging as they might have been to her- her sister, her best friends, and the love of her life no longer existed? How could she return to a world that had just taken away a good friend and, what was once upon a time, her second chance at love? How could she return to a world where the two individuals she considered her people were now miles away and could not even be physically there with her at the time she needed them most? Just simply how could she return to a world that had already taken so much from her?
"They need you to fight."
Closing her eyes, she tried to picture in her mind perhaps the only greatest thing left she could gather enough strength to fight for. Although it had been so long that she had physically seen them, she could picture them all perfectly, each detail about them memorized. The way her eldest daughter would smile as she passionately spoke of her newest interest she had developed at school and the way her only son had the most endearing laugh that reminder her of his father and the way the little one always seemed to look at her in awe, viewing her as her hero. She remembers all too well the hurt Zola and Bailey experienced when their father passed away, and the confusion that sets in with Ellis still from time to time when she sees all her friends at school with their father and she wonders why she didn't get to have one with her to love her also. She knew how another loss would affect them, no matter how many people they have rooting for them. It takes a village to raise a child, they say, and she knew she was fortunate to have Amelia, Maggie, and the rest of their Grey-Sloan family to pick up the broken pieces that she could be leaving behind. But she also knew the sting of growing up without the love parents are supposed to give. Her own parents had made a choice to walk away. How could she have it in her heart to do the same?
"We all need you to fight."
And then perhaps, there are also the others she would be leaving behind. The strangers that turned into friends and eventually became family. The ones who also have had too much taken away too soon. The corners of her mouth turned upwards as she thought about each one of them: Richard, the man who raised her and who looked out for her like she was his own daughter despite even the times she had been too stubborn to let him into her heart; Bailey, the strong woman who taught her how to be the greatest surgeon, who believed in her, and time and time again, handed her forgiveness and second chances even when she didn't deserve them; Maggie, the estranged sister who never gave up in earning her love and how thankful she was now that she never did as she could no longer imagine life without her; Amelia, the person she could never have once before call family but now has a bond with her unlike any other because of the pain that tied them together. There were so many more of them, from Avery to Hunt to Altman, and she knew what giving up and leaving would do to all of them. With everyone of these people already experiencing equals amount of loss to last a lifetime, how could she add herself to that list? As she continued to walk down the sandy path ahead of her, she couldn't help but also think of the students she had yet to finish teaching, from Schmitt to Helm, and the many others that would walk through those hospital doors. And not to mention the hundreds of patients that would continue to need her as their lifesaver and advocate. Being a surgeon was what gave her pride and joy and a sense of purpose. Was she truly ready to let go of all the people and the job that defined who she was?
"I'm asking you to fight. Fight, Grey."
And then there was him. She now approached a spot on the beach she had grown accustomed to. It was just a log situated right on the rocks, but it gave her the prime spot to be able to observe and admire everything around her. Sitting on it now, she began to dwell her mind on the man who had been so persistent in saying these words to her. It had been a few months now since that first day they met, as he was her long-awaited 'package,' or so as her best friend constantly claims. In what capacity this gift was supposed to be, she still did not understand. However, she couldn't deny the certain pull he had on her. She had to admit to herself that he was quite intriguing, and although she had gotten used to the familiarity of how Alex Karev ran the pediatric ward, she had to admit that Cormac Hayes was an excellent surgeon, no matter how unconventional his procedures or patient care could sometimes be. Although their professional relationship began as surgical enemies, she had eventually come around to his ways and found the time they spent hours doing surgeries together to be quite enjoyable. What she did not expect to happen, however, was the easy camaraderie she had grown to feel around him, and the way she found herself to be vulnerable around him. It surprised her how he became a bright spot and a safe place during the tumultuous times the past few months had brought, from having to deal with both Richard and DeLuca's illnesses, to navigating through a worldwide pandemic. She thought about the many nights they would spend in his office after a shift, sharing a bottle of whiskey and trading insults and jokes and stories. Deep inside, she knew that it was his history the most that bonded them together, having shared the same pain of losing the one you love most and the challenges that come with raising a family on your own. She had found a friend in him, the type of friendship and connection she found so easily that hadn't occurred since her early years of being an intern. She didn't realize just how much of a significant impact he had already made in her life and she knew that what bonded them together was enough for her to consider him as part of the family she's built. And she was also aware of the fact that second chances didn't come around very often. For a long time now, she always felt that he was there for her to give her a second chance at something. Was she really ready to give up before finding out the truth?
With a sigh, she looked up at a distance and a smile instantly appeared on her face when she saw a figure walk urgently towards her. "Derek," she called out. "I want you closer."
With a serious look on his face, he sat beside her now, dangerously close. "Meredith, we need to talk."
Meanwhile, in the pediatric unit of Grey-Sloan Memorial, Cormac Hayes found himself doing rounds with the resident on his service, Schmitt. It had mostly been a quiet day in his department, something Cormac found himself to be grateful for as he silently acknowledged that his thoughts were very much elsewhere.
"Now we have Arthur," Schmitt began to say as the two approached the child's room. "Post-op day ten. Vital signs are stable and heart rate and pulse ox. are all normal. The artificial heart is still holding up."
"Any new word from UNOS?" Cormac inquired his resident.
"I called when I got in this morning. Still no heart available, but they'll call as soon as they have one."
Cormac nodded, satisfied with the response, then looked back at the small child on the bed. He had to admit to himself that it was a bold move of him to even suggest doing the surgical procedure done on the child but was thrilled he and Pierce were able to accomplish it. Not that he gave all the credit to the two of them but had to also credit little Arthur himself for staying strong enough to survive. That's something he always loved about working in pediatrics, seeing the resilience each tiny human possessed. Some have been dealt the worst of cards as soon as they entered the world, yet still somehow manage to survive. It was the surgeons that always received the praise for each victory of life, but Cormac appreciated the fight each one took to live another day.
It was this thought that suddenly took his attention away from baby Arthur and onto another one.
I'm asking you to fight. Fight, Grey.
"Schmitt, I need you to finish the rounds without me," he ordered his resident. "I need to check on Grey."
"But I thought you just checked on Dr. Grey an hour ago?" Levi asked, puzzled.
"And how many COVID patients' status quickly change within an hour? Within minutes?" Cormac quipped.
"Too many to count," Levi answered meekly.
"Exactly. Patients can die in an instant if they're not being monitored properly."
"With all due respect, Dr. Hayes, I've been doing Dr. Grey's hyperbaric chamber therapy sessions the past few days. I don't mind checking on her if you have other patients to see," Levi gingerly offered.
"No, I'll handle her myself," Cormac replied, with a hint of exasperation in his tone. He felt guilty being so short-tempered with his resident in that moment, but Cormac knew he had to make Meredith his priority that day. Between going through the stress of having his sister-in-law recently hospitalized and his constant worry over the fate of Meredith Grey, Cormac Hayes felt as if he was holding on loosely to a thread. Every day for months now he had to witness, along with every doctor in the hospital, more and more people succumbing to the deadly disease that the thought of two of the most important people in his life also surrendering to death was enough to make him feel suffocated, the pain so deep it was as if he couldn't breathe. So when he had received news that Hunt was finally able to remove Meredith from the ventilator, he initially felt as if a weight had been lifted off him. That relief, however, quickly turned into anxiety and fear once again as soon as he heard the little progress she was making. Although her vitals always remained normal and stable, he was aware of how weak she had been, barely awake through the hours of the day and showing no signs of wanting to stay awake. Cormac had always tried his best to have the opportunity to see her or speak with her during those rare times when she did display signs of consciousness. However, each opportunity always seemed to disappear when he would see Pierce, Webber, Bailey, and Wilson always in her room to speak to her, or see her on video calls with Shepherd, Lincoln, her children, and nephew. He understood those were especial moments they were all able to share together and the last thing he wanted was to intrude, knowing he was probably at the very bottom on her priority list of individuals to see and talk with. He respected her well enough to give her space and thus, he watched her progress from afar and received updates regarding her through the grapevine. He had to admit that being one of her main doctors for awhile after DeLuca's death and while Altman was on leave had been both a blessing and a curse to him. He was thankful that he was able to be at her bedside giving her the care she needed and being the help he had promised to be. However, seeing her in such a weak state constantly reminded him of his own loss and he knew that another tragedy was something he wasn't going to be able to survive.
That's why on this particular day, Cormac Hayes was determined to make Meredith Grey his priority patient. He wasn't expecting to be in charge of her care during his working shift this day, not until he got into work and was immediately paged to Bailey's office where she informed him that herself and Webber would be in a meeting with Catherine Fox and the Foundation in the foreseeable hours and that Altman had been pulled into an emergency trauma surgery with Hunt, leaving him as the only main provider left for Grey who was already familiar with her case. Since the moment he was assigned this responsibility, he was diligent in carrying it out, running back and forth between his department and the COVID ward to check in on her at the top of every hour. Part of him recognized that he was just simply carrying out his oath to save a life. But another part humbly recognized that he viewed it as redemption from not being able to save his wife and his determination not to lose another person he loved, in whatever capacity his growing love for Meredith might be.
"Look, Schmitt," Cormac now spoke again, this time with a better attempt to sound more level. "Just take care of the rounds. You're capable enough to do them yourself. Anything goes wrong with Arthur, Pierce is out today so page me. If there's a problem with Luna Ashton, page Wilson first. If anything becomes emergent, page me. Is that clear?"
"I got it," Levi confidently said with a nod.
"Good." At that, Cormac began to walk out of Arthur's room when Levi called out after him.
"Hey, Dr. Hayes?"
"What is it?"
"Dr. Grey," Levi began to say. "She's been doing really well. I think she's been getting stronger every day. I know everyone has been really worried and I can tell you are too. I mean, she's your friend and you are the one who found her so I get that you're scared. But she's been stable, so that's good news at least, right? She'll get better. I really think she'll get better." He paused before adding, "I also don't usually talk to my attendings like this, so I apologize in advance."
Cormac was silent at first, stunned at the resident's words. It was a fact that he was fearful for Meredith Grey's outcome and was obviously concerned about her wellbeing. But then again, so was everyone else in the hospital. He hadn't realize truly just how much of his walls he had taken down; how evident his feelings were for Grey, whatever capacity they were, seemed to the point that even now his resident felt the need to assure him. He had never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, at least not since Abigail had passed away. Feelings, whatever kind they were, were always buried deep within. He had mastered hiding his feelings of grief, anger, and regret that were all present after Abigail's death for the sake of his sons. However, whatever this feeling was for Meredith Grey was something he didn't seem to know how to suppress, nor was he ready to acknowledge any of them. Perhaps this was why he only gave a meek smile to his resident in response before finally walking towards the exit of his pediatric ward, careful in not letting any more pieces of his heart that Meredith Grey had seem to already own be exposed.
As he began to make the familiar walk towards the COVID ward, Cormac began to feel anxiety setting in within him, a feeling he always got when he knew he was about to check on Grey. There were always a million thoughts running through his head of different possible scenarios of what state he might find her in. Of course, there was always the most optimistic one, the one he hoped for the most, that he would walk in her room and find her sitting up and talking. He could hardly believe that the last time he had conversed with her was through a screen while standing outside her window and he would hope and pray that each new day would be the day he could finally say something new to her. Then, there was the most dreaded scenario, the one in which he would walk into her room just to find her crashing and wanting to go, or worse, that she had already gone.
Neither of the two was the situation he found her in once he did finally arrive on the floor and in her room. However, it was still enough to make the anxiety he was already feeling even worse.
"Dr. Hayes, I was just about to page you," the respiratory therapist had said once Cormac walked in.
"What the bloody hell happened?" Cormac spat out, both panic and urgency laced in his tone.
"I just got in myself. Her pulse ox. is down to ninety-two percent."
All Cormac could do for a minute was just stand there, incredulously looking back and forth between the therapist that stood in front of him and Meredith, wondering how it was possible for her to deteriorate that quickly when barely an hour ago he had checked in on her and all was fine. But he knew he couldn't just stand there and wallow in the feelings of fear and anxiety that were wanting to engulf him. He knew he had to do what needed to get done, and that was to provide her the best care possible that he could offer. Everyone in that moment was counting on him and he knew he would never be able to forgive himself if he was the one responsible for losing her.
In an instant, he snapped himself out of his personal concerns, his medical instincts now coming into play as he reached for the tablet by her bedside table to check her chart. "Nothing on her chart indicates any reason for abnormal activity," he began to say with a shake of his head as he focused his attention now on her monitor in which everything else appeared normal. She should've been awake by now and there was no reason for her oxygen to have dropped the way it did once again.
"Okay, let's raise her O2," he now ordered the therapist, who immediately followed and began adjusting her monitors. "If within an hour it doesn't go back up, we'll run new labs and try the chamber again. We need to figure out why she's losing oxygen. We can't let her go back on a damn vent again," he said now with even more frustration, knowing Grey-Sloan was still experiencing a shortage of ventilators.
"Yes, Dr. Hayes. I'll return again in an hour," the therapist said as he finished with Meredith's monitors and began to make his way out of her room.
"Find out whether Altman is still in surgery and how long she still needs," Cormac called out after him, knowing full well that if Meredith somehow turned south, he was going to need all the assistance he could get from the cardiothoracic surgeon.
Finally alone with her, Cormac placed himself on the seat beside her bed and for a moment just stared at her, taking in every feature of her face and willed himself to think back to the last time they were together; when they were in that O.R. exchanging medical jargon and stories and her eyes would look at him with a certain glimmer that was always present whenever she was doing what she was best at, and her smile, wide and bright, that made it seem like despite whatever tragedy was going on in the world around them, everything would turn out fine.
"I know you're still there, Grey," he whispered. "Fight. Please keep fighting." He then grabbed the tablet that he had dropped on her bed earlier and scrolled through her chart once again. Then a second time. Then a third, reading her entire case history, from the night he brought her into the emergency room and to where they were at now, hoping, praying that there was something they had all missed but could fix and could explain her current state. When a patient deteriorates and, God forbid, dies, doctors would tell their families that they did everything they could. It comforts the families and can even comfort the surgeon themselves. But this time it was different. He knew they were doing everything they can. Yet it still wasn't enough. And that perhaps might be the most helpless feeling imaginable.
Cormac's thoughts were then interrupted when the tablet in his hand started to ring, a video call request coming through from Atticus Lincoln. With a sigh, he answered the call. "Hi, mate."
"Oh, Hayes, perfect, you're here," Link greeted from the other side of the screen. Based on the many video calls from her family he had been present for in the past, Cormac had familiarized himself with the many rooms in her house and recognized that Link was in the kitchen. "Listen, Amelia's putting the baby down for an afternoon nap and I only have about ten minutes until the kids are done with their Zoom classes and then they'll be down here begging for a snack, so I just wanted to get a quick update. But I don't wanna tell anyone anything if it's bad."
"I'm sorry I don't have better news for you, Lincoln," Cormac said with a heavy sigh, before adding, "Her oxygen's gone down again."
On the screen, Link's face fell. "No way," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "What's it at?"
"Ninety-two."
"Damn it."
For a minute, the two stayed silent, the news weighing heavily upon them. Cormac was unsure of what to say, believing that any attempts he would make of giving comfort would just fail as he was also feeling discouraged at that very moment.
Then Link began to speak. "You, uh, you should've seen how happy Zola was the night Owen came over and said he took Mer off the vent. It was the happiest I've seen her since we brought Scout home. She ran to the living room where Bailey and Ellis were playing in this pillow fort they made, and she told them that mommy is breathing on her own and of course they didn't fully understand what that meant; they just knew that mommy was getting better. So then the three of them held hands and were dancing in a circle and laughing and then I look over at Amelia and she's crying tears of joy and I couldn't help but also have this warm feeling because finally, finally, my girlfriend's sister and my friend and my son's aunt and the mother of these three wild, yet, beautiful children was finally on the mend." A small smile appeared on his face as he was reminiscing the moment before it went away. He paused, then continued by saying, "But then days went by and she wasn't waking up and when she did, it wasn't for more than two minutes a time. Two minutes. You know how long it takes just to wake Bailey up in the morning? You gotta knock on that kid's door at least three times before he can even get out of bed. And Mer can't even keep her eyes open for a whole two minutes. And Ellis is always asking when she can talk to her mama and we have to say 'Sorry, Ellie Belle, but mama's still sleeping' and Bailey actually asked us why can't we just wake her up like it's the simplest thing in the world and Zola looks at us like we're the best doctors in the whole world and that we should've been able to fix her by now and listen, I have felt so many different things these past few months, from anger to hurt to pain, but all I feel when I look at those three children everyday is disappointment because I can't help but think I'm letting them down when I don't have the answers to their questions, Hell, we're all feeling that way here, from me to Amelia to Maggie, even Winston. We're letting them down and I don't know what to do or say to make it all better."
Cormac nodded, understanding exactly what Link was feeling as they were all feeling the pressure now to save Meredith. He knew how hard Altman, Webber, Bailey, and back then, DeLuca, were all working when it came to her treatments and how hard her family back home was working to stay strong despite the fears they were feeling themselves. All that endurance and all that patience he knew was ultimately for the sake of the three children who were waiting for her to come home. In the times he had been able to be present each time they'd make a call, he had been able to get to know them and observe just how much they love their mother. And he couldn't help but see the happiness they were all able to exude despite already having suffered a loss in the past. He knew their joy and resilience were the result of her influence in their lives. And he knew that there must be nothing worse than for her children to see the one person they needed the most to slowly go away without knowing why. He understood this better than anyone.
"When my wife was dying, towards the end," he started to say as he attempted to ignore the sudden lump forming in his throat, "my youngest kid, only ten years old at the time, came into my room one night when we came back home from the hospital and he was crying. And he came onto the bed with me and I ended up cradling him like he was a toddler again and he laid there in my arms, just crying, because even though he didn't understand everything, he knew that his mama was not getting better. And then he stopped crying and looks up at me and he says, 'Dad, you're the best doctor I know. Why can't you fix mama?' And I swear, that was the moment that, not only did I feel like I was the worse father and husband to ever exist, but also the worse doctor because I felt responsible for everything. I could've fixed up Abi by preventing it from ever happening. And two and a half years have gone by now, and there are days where I still feel responsible for letting my kids down, for feeling like I was the one who took their mother away." He then exhaled deeply, letting out the tension he found himself to be holding in as he reminisced one of the most painful moments in his life before adding, "Listen, Lincoln, there is nothing you can say to make those kids feel better because no matter what, they're just gonna have more questions. The only thing you can do is to just continue being there for them, to make them feel and let them know that no matter what happens, they are loved. Just ask yourself, 'What would Grey want?' When my wife passed, that's all I asked myself and I knew the one thing Abi wanted was for the boys to experience love, that despite her not being there, her love still remained through whoever was left behind. Just love them, Lincoln."
He then looked away from the screen, as he glanced over at Meredith then darted his eyes towards the ceiling as he blinked back tears. He could feel all of it, all the grief and the pain and the loss and the hurt, all threatening to make their way out of his body. For so long now, he felt like he was carrying the world on his shoulders. And now, with this conversation he was having with Link, it felt like it wasn't too long until he just collapsed. He was sick of it all; all the sickness and the death. And if there was no way the world could ever give him Abigail back, the only thing he wanted was for Meredith Grey to live.
"Thanks, man," Link now said from the other side of the screen. "I appreciate that. Truly. And I'm sorry for everything. Your wife. Your kids. Meredith…" His voice trailed off before hesitantly continuing, "I mean, I hear things from people. I know she's been your closest friend here. I also know you have a bond over something that none of us can really begin to understand. I know this probably isn't easy for you but thank you for being there for her when none of us can't be. Amelia, the kids, everyone; we all appreciate this more than you know."
"Pleasure's all mine," Cormac responded with a small smile, just in time as he heard the sudden familiar noise of three kids barging into the room. In the distance, Bailey can be heard demanding a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"Duty calls," Link said with a slight laugh. "Please update us if there's better news or if anything at all changes."
"Will do. I'm hoping that-" His sentence was then interrupted by another one's from the screen.
"Is that Dr. Hayes?"
"Yes, it is."
"Dr. Hayes!" The girl exclaimed, and Cormac then tried to put on the biggest smile he could muster up as Zola's face appeared on the screen. "How's my mom?"
"Oh, your mum's a fighter," he replied with a sincere grin, knowing it was the truth.
"Can I talk to her?"
"You know what, Dr. Hayes was actually just about to make his hourly vital checks on your mom," Link interrupted, for which Cormac was grateful for as he didn't have the heart in him yet to deliver any negative news. "So why don't we let him do his job while I fix you up the greatest snack ever and then maybe tonight before bed, we can give Dr. Hayes and your mom a call."
"Zola, want me to deliver a message for your mum?"
"Can you just tell her I love her? And that I can't wait until she's home. And that I've been nicer to Bailey and Ellis by letting them sleep in my room."
Cormac chuckled. "Of course."
"Bye, Dr. Hayes!" And with that, the screen went black. And just like that, the momentary light air her children delivered vanished, as being alone with her again reminded him of all the things that were at stake.
"Don't know if you were able to hear any of that," Cormac now said to Meredith. "The oldest one said she loves you, and that she's been kinder to her siblings. They're all waiting for you to come home. You have a beautiful family. From your children to your sisters. Lincoln. They all love you, Grey." He then paused, his heartbeat suddenly quickening as he could feel certain words wanting to come out of him in that moment. Words he didn't think he could ever say or feel again. And whether it was the events from the past few months or the sincerity and gravity of the situation now, he wanted to say them because he knew he meant them. Every single word of them. "I love-"
But then something happened. Something that prevented him from his admittance. His worst fear.
Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.
First, it was the initial sound of the monitors. V-FIB.
He felt heavy as he immediately sprung up from the seat and reached over to press the button on the wall by the side of her bed. The code blue rang above his head as one by one, nurses and respiratory therapists came in. All the activity in the room made it feel like it was spinning and he felt like the words coming out of his mouth were only coming out in echoes.
"Get the crash cart! And somebody page Altman right now!"
He could feel every single rush of adrenaline throughout his body, yet somehow the fear and the panic he was holding in still allowed him to get a firm grip on the defibrillators handed to him. "Charge to 150!"
"Clear."
Thump. V-FIB.
"Charge to 200!"
"Clear"
Thump. V-FIB.
Every single passing second and minute that nothing happened caused him an overwhelming sense of newfound grief. A feeling like he was about to lose yet another person. And for a sense of comfort, he found himself then reeling over their past encounters.
"Who are you?"
"Cormac Hayes, Chief of Pediatric Surgery."
Thump. V-FIB.
"Charge to 250!"
"Clear."
Thump. V-FIB.
"Who are you, exactly?"
"Meredith Grey, Chief of General Surgery."
Thump. V-FIB.
"Charge to 300!"
"Clear."
Thump. V-FIB.
"It's been lonely. I've never met anyone like me, widowed so young. It's nice. It helps to have a friend."
"It helps me too."
Thump. Asystole.
And then it came. The noise that had haunted him for so long, since the moment he first heard it during his wife's dying moments, and up until now, when the same was happening to another woman he loved. He could feel it inside of him all escalating, the fear and the urgency, yet he knew he couldn't stop. Not yet. Not while she was still fighting. He believed she could still be fighting.
"Charge to 350!"
"Clear."
Thump. Asystole.
"This virus has got nothing on you."
Thump. Asystole.
"I'm starting compressions!" He announced loudly as minutes went by and all that her monitor was displaying was a flatline. He then found himself throwing the defibrillators to the side, then swinging himself on top of her as he began to pump his hands on her chest. "Where the hell is Altman?"
1-2-3-4. Asystole.
"Come on, Grey. Don't do this," he begged, his voice close to breaking. "Come back, Grey. Keep fighting."
"I'm begging you. Fight."
1-2-3-4. Asystole.
"They need you to fight."
1-2-3-4. Asystole.
"We all need you to fight."
1-2-3-4. Asystole.
Five minutes of compressions had passed.
1-2-3-4. Asystole.
Exhausted, he jumped off her and grabbed the defibrillators again. "Let's charge again! Charge to 400!"
"Clear."
Thump. Asystole.
He could feel his chest, heavy and tired from both the exertion and the fear and anxiety. He could feel himself wanting to give up, wanting to stop fighting. But he knew he was fighting for the both of them. He needed to save her.
"Charge to 450!"
"Clear."
Thump. Asystole.
"I'm asking you to fight. Fight, Grey."
Thump. Asystole.
"Damn it, Grey, bloody fight! Please, fight!" He begged earnestly, no longer caring about the emotions he was letting out in front of his colleagues. It seemed anyway that almost everyone in the hospital knew the truth about his relationship and feelings for Meredith Grey. And there was no way he was going to hide them now. He was done with dismissing them and rather needed to look at them for the way they really were. He knew in his heart she had to fight for her family, for her children, the one who needed her most. But he knew that he needed her too for she was the only reason he was still standing. She made him believe in everything he didn't know he was capable of feeling, not since Abigail died. She brought him back to life, and he needed to do the same for her. "Charge to 500!"
"Clear."
And that's when it all changed.
Thump. Sinus rhythm.
"What the hell happened?" Teddy yelled frantically, as she finally arrived and entered the room.
"Heart rate and oxygen are coming back up," a nearby nurse announced.
In the background, he could hear the echoes of Altman's orders, demanding to be informed of what had just occurred, but all he could focus on were the monitors, staring intently as the numbers climbed back up to normal levels, and the sound of a normal rhythm.
Then a miracle occurred.
His attention was then drawn to the woman on the bed that, seconds ago, had just laid lifeless. But slowly, her eyes blinked. Then a second time. Then a third. Then a fourth. And then they opened completely. He watched as her eyes scanned the room before landing on Altman, and then on him. "What happened?" she asked groggily.
And perhaps it was the last twenty minutes that felt like an entire lifetime or just the mere sound of her voice that he thought he would never hear again that Cormac suddenly felt his body let go of all the adrenaline rush and the high and he could feel at any minute now, all the emotions just crashing on him.
"Altman," he said with a gulp, turning his attention now on his fellow surgeon.
Seeing the look of exhaustion and pain clearly evident on his face, Teddy was quick to say, "Hayes, go. I got this now."
That was all the permission he needed to ditch the defibrillator still in his hands and rush quickly out of the room. At first, his steps were slow and heavy, as if still trying to process what just occurred. And then something clicked in his mind as he picked up his pace until he was suddenly running towards the nearest on-call room.
Once he entered inside one, he placed himself on one of the beds as he felt his breathing starting to quicken. And after realizing all that occurred, with the greatest realization that Meredith Grey was, in fact, still alive, a relief flooded over him.
Then he burst into tears.