Chapter One: 9:00 P.M.
Biting into my skin was the easiest thing I ever did, and the most painless. As I dug my thumb to where the blade narrowed, I watched the blood bloom through my skin like a rare flower. With it dripping through the edges of the cut, I brought my blade to my unpierced flesh, and just like paper, my fragile skin tore open - as fragile as paper. I pressed my head against the board of my bed, feeling the stinging through my arm. Silence was my only other company as I tried to mask my emotions with every cut - I waited until every painful recollection my mind bore was replaced with the throbbing gashes… and soon enough, I didn't feel a thing.
I depended on that feeling more than I depended on the air I breathed. It was the only thing I knew how to do, and it was the only thing that worked. The endless scars running down my arms and legs healed me, and I wouldn't be alive without them. My eyes followed the blood trickling down my arms, sliding across my wrists. The veins seeped through my skin as I traced my fingers through them, admiring the unmarked surface of my skin. I was careful not to go near that area, but as the days and nights slowly ticked on, I wondered if the scars across the rest of my body would be enough.
My peaceful anguish was interrupted by the buzzing of my phone, which was sitting idle next to me. Not caring about the blood continuously dripping down my arm, I reached for it and opened my texts… only to be greeted by the empty messages of my friends, who I agreed to go out with.
I hated them; they were the kind of people that wouldn't care about anyone else unless it benefited them in some way. They were the kind of people that looked for party-goers, not friends. They were the kind of people who found companionship in empty people like themselves.
And they were the only friends I had.
"I can't wait! I'm bringing my bottle of Smirnoff for good measure!" Fake enthusiasm burst through my screen as equally obnoxious replies followed suit. Tequila, vodka, soju - we were planning on getting hammered before we left for the clubs. I didn't mind though; free liquor was my only other true friend.
It was almost fifteen minutes past nine, and we were supposed to meet at my apartment to drink before we started hitting the bars. Naturally enough, no one wanted to spend seven dollars on a tiny drink. I was supposed to save my own bottle of vodka for tonight, but my impatience got the better of me. One shot soon became six in a matter of minutes, and after two days, the entire bottle was gone.
Might as well get ready.
Grabbing a roll of bandages from my table, I tried to sneak into the bathroom without Juvia noticing. The last thing I needed was to be asked questions about anything. She was supposed to be at the Delta Kappa Epsilon house with her boyfriend, but as easily fragile plans are, they fell apart, and now she's also in the apartment. Thankfully, she wasn't wandering around the kitchen or the living room, so I was free to head to the bathroom. The blood wasn't running as freely as it was before, but my entire arm is a blistering mess.
As I closed the bathroom door behind me, I was greeted by the mirror with a harrowing reflection, with lifeless eyes staring back at me. I didn't have much time; after cleaning my wounds, and wrapping bandages around them, I tried making myself look as presentable as possible. My hair was all over the place, but I tried to neatly tie it into a high ponytail. My face reflected my sleep-deprived nights, but I tried concealing as much of it as I could with all the makeup I had. The dark circles, the undereye bags, and the lifelessness of my own skin was now erased, and it was as if there was nothing to see, or tell, or show. Just how I liked it.
Heading back to my room, I tried looking for the nicest clothes I had with long sleeves. As I ran through shirt after shirt after shirt, the growing notion of panic entered my head as I worried about justifying wearing heavy sweater-like shirts in the middle of spring. It wasn't as if they cared anyway, but if they knew, I would have to experience their apathy first hand. It was one thing for people to not care, but it is completely another thing for people to not care right to your face. No one cared about others anyways - what they loved was the idea of fixing someone… as if they were a broken toy.
But I wasn't going to give them the chance - not tonight.
I didn't have time to worry about what they would say - they were gonna be here any goddamn second. I threw on my clothes as quick as I could - trying as hard as I could to not irritate my arms further. My phone started buzzing as soon as I finished dressing, and when I went to reach for it, I was greeted with a stream of messages, asking me to allow them entry into the building.
Just in time. After I rushed to press the buzzer near the door, I took the few minutes I still had left to myself to glance in the mirror adjacent to my room. Black-on-black for the one-millionth time in a row, paired with bright, red, ruby lipstick. With my eyes coated in heavy, black eyeliner, and my face plastered with layers upon layers of face makeup… it was almost as if the pale, pasty, and tired being didn't exist. I didn't care if it screamed 'desperate', nor did I care if I came across as a slut. Even though I didn't want to be either, I ended up being both anyway.
My moments of peace were soon interrupted with the unpleasant shrieking entering the door.
"Girl, we are about to get smashed!"
I offered Yukino a fake smile as she planted a kiss on my cheek and placed the large bottle of Smirnoff No. 21 on the cheap wooden dorm table. I pulled on my sleeves, making sure they crossed my bandaged-covered wrists as I made my way towards the cupboards looking for the red cups. Yukino plopped onto the sofa, legs crossed. She smirked in my direction as I handed her a cup filled with her Smirnoff. Straight, no mixers, no ice. She was no bullshit, but also the biggest drama queen wrapped in one. Her platinum hair embodied that about her; shine, but no shimmer. She took a sip, complaining she didn't have enough money to bring over Grey Goose. I expected that much from her, but I didn't bother saying anything in return. "When are the twins getting here?"
I didn't bother glancing at her as I went over to the table to pour myself a cup. I wanted to stop myself after filling the cup to the amount of a shot, but I allowed my hand to tip slightly more so more vodka would spill from the bottle. "I got a text after getting out of the shower. They're gonna be a bit late because they forgot to go to the liquor store last night. They're supposed to pick up the tequila and soju."
"Sweet! I need more than this shit to get wasted." Yukino screeched as she downed the rest of her vodka, and immediately picked herself up from the sofa to pour herself another glass of vodka. "We still need to decide where to go. It's still early, but Nova Street's gonna be packed to fuck sooner or later."
She wasn't wrong; if you were a student living on campus, Nova Street was where you went for everything. It didn't matter whether you wanted to torture yourself on the mechanical bull, get freaky on the dance floor, play pool while downing shots, stuff comfort food down your throat to absorb all the alcohol you ingested hours prior, or just wanted a beer and some peace and quiet… Nova Street had it all. It was a place welcoming to everyone, and on Friday nights… anyone near the street with a pulse was going to raid it. If we didn't figure out where to go now, we'd be blocked from everywhere.
"We'll figure it out once Sherry and Sherria get here." I offered the most straight forward answer before I poured myself another glass of vodka - this time, allowing my wrist to loosen even more compared to the first time. I still didn't feel the buzz, and my brain and body craved more. As I took the first sip of my second helping, I noticed the usual burn down my throat wasn't feeling the same anymore. It was more subdued. I kept taking more and more sips, trying not to think about it.
"I kinda wanted to go to Prive. It's still early, and I'm pretty sure we can still get in for free, and avoid the crowd at the same time."
I almost choked hearing Yukino's words, but before I was able to say anything, the main door swung open, and the aggressive chatters of the two pink-haired twins interrupted whatever thoughts I had tried to articulate. "Hope we weren't too late!" Sherria squealed as she placed the bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial on the table next to the Smirnoff. "The soju had been sold out, but at least we got something!"
I smiled at the twins as they came in and engulfed Yukino in a group hug. However, my smile immediately faded as my mind started buzzing within me. I tried to shake the feeling off and reached for another shot of vodka, trying to use the liquor to rid the whirlwind of thoughts. But before I could even reach for the bottle, the buzz grew stronger and stronger.
Do you wanna dance with me?
Well come on, let's go!
My eyes began to blink furiously, but I tried to regain my composure. "Plastic cups are in the cupboard. We better drink up before we leave for the night." I managed to grip the bottle of tequila and open it so that I could pour myself a cup. Sherry made her way to the table to reach for the bottle of vodka, but before she did, she gave me a side hug. "How's it going, babe?"
I had to lie. "I'm doing great." I tried my best to smile as sincerely as I could, but I knew I was failing. I reached for my sleeves again, trying to pull them past my wrists. In just a few minutes, everyone had a drink in their hands.
"So I was just telling Lucy about heading over to Prive instead of taking our chances in Nova Street."
There it was again. The statement I was dreading to hear again. I looked over at Yukino - who was working on her fourth cup of liquor. "Everyone's going to be at Beercade and Billiards tonight. So why don't we just head downtown and take our chances at Prive? Denny's is right there if we need to crash somewhere before heading home." She really was making her case, and the twins were going to go for it. I felt the buzz surge back to my head, and my eyes shut down without me deciding for them.
Here, grab my hand.
I'm not gonna let you go.
"You know what, I really think we should just stick to Nova."
My interruption was met with annoyance on Yukino's part, and I didn't blame her. But I needed to find a way out of it. "We're gonna be drunk and disoriented most of the night, and I think sticking closer to home is going to be the safer option." I knew pandering to playing safe was going to piss Yukino off, but at that moment, I didn't care. I wasn't about to tell her of all people why I didn't want to drag myself to Prive of all places. I'd rather stick my hand down a toaster than do either.
Sherria sighed, finishing her second cup. "Maybe Lucy is right. I mean, I don't wanna crash into a car on the way home." She giggled while walking towards the table where I was, pouring her first shot of tequila. I gave her eyes of gratitude as I poured my now seventh drink. The buzz still hadn't been strong enough for me. In the short months of heavy drinking, I had completely allowed myself to be numb to the effects of alcohol. "What do you think, Sherry?"
Although Sherry's eyes weren't on Yukino, I knew she had been shooting daggers at Sherry's direction. It didn't work, though. "Yea, I'm cool with that. I need to be able to get home in one piece, too."
Scoffing in defeat, Yukino turned her head towards me, visibly angry. I looked away, pouring my eighth and last drink, and reluctantly stepped away from the table afterward. I still had no concern over whether or not Yukino was angry at me because all I knew and cared about was dodging a major bullet tonight.
You're so beautiful.
I immediately swallowed my last gulp of liquor and wiped my lips on the back of my sleeve. I felt the roughness of the bandages grazing my upper lip. After several deep breaths, I placed the cup back on the table, grabbed my purse, my phone, and my keys.
I just wanted tonight to be over with.