It had been about a week since Richards surgery and the revelation that he knew about Meredith and Derek's relationship. Derek had taken a few days off without informing Meredith and they hadn't spoken since that night he cancelled their diner plans. Derek knew he owed her an explanation at some point, but he just needed some time to clear his head first. He was back at work now but continued to avoid Meredith.

Richard chastising him made him feel guilty and ashamed. If he were on the outside looking in, he'd think he was a sleaze bag. A married man sleeping with an intern, and the intern doesn't even know he was married! It was embarrassing but the situation wasn't exactly straightforward. Richard only knew half the story! When he'd walked out on Addison, he figured her sleeping with his best friend was reason enough to consider their marriage well and truly over! So, it was only fair he got to move on with his life, right?! At least that's what Derek kept telling himself. He wasn't the bad guy here! He was the one who'd been hurt! Except, he was hurting Meredith by not telling her the truth. He was going to tell her; it was the right thing to do and he would give her the opportunity to walk away it was only fair.

Except he couldn't concentrate long enough to figure out exactly how he was going to tell her. He was distracted. He could admit that, but what was harder to admit was the reason he was distracted. Addison… try as he might he could not get her off his mind. He'd spent the majority of his days off trying desperately to distract himself from Richards revelation and its possible implications. He had been hiding out and hoping his past wouldn't catch up with him, but he had known it would eventually but not the way it had.

He had expected Addison to rush after him as soon as she knew where he was. Which is exactly why he had kept it a secret. Even from his family, they knew that he had taken off and that he was working at hospital somewhere out west but that was all the information he had given them in case they felt compelled to inform Addison. But now that she knew exactly where he was working Derek was shocked that she wasn't coming to confront him. He wondered if Richard had mentioned Meredith to her and that's why she had decided not to come? But as he recalled his conversation with Richard it didn't seem that he had brought it up.

So why exactly was she not coming? Had something happened to her? Derek refused to explore that thought further he couldn't imagine her getting hurt and him not hearing about it someone would have called him! Wouldn't they? Well, he had ignored a ton of phone calls when he'd first arrived. But than again Richard had spoken to her so she must be ok Derek tried to reassure himself. Perhaps, Derek thought disgustedly she was simply too busy screwing his best friend to bother flying out to Seattle! Derek knew that was unfair of him, it's not like he was exactly keeping his vows at the moment.

Still there was a part of Derek deep within him that thought maybe Addison was with Mark that he had been who she had wanted all along and she had merely settled for Derek. He had always known that Addison was far too good for him. There was a part of him that had always feared that she would wake up one day and realize it. When he had walked in on them that night, he felt like it had finally happened. Addison had realized she was much better off without Derek Shepherd. He had just never expected that it would be with Mark of all people. Derek didn't want to believe that Mark had always been the man she wanted, that his whole marriage was a lie. He wanted to give Addison the benefit of the doubt. But deep down inside Derek was still that dork with the unruly hair who couldn't believe the most beautiful girl in the world had been interested in him!

Clearly the days off had not helped and he was still a mess. Everything reminded him of her! Even on the opposite side of the country, in a hospital she had never been to, Derek could practically feel her there with him. He had grown tired of trying to distract himself form thinking about her. So instead, he decided that perhaps he should just allow himself to feel his feelings in the hopes that that would help him to move past them. So today between surgeries he decided to head to the one place in the hospital he knew he wouldn't be able to avoid his thoughts about Addison.

The NICU. Over the years Derek had spent countless hours in NICU'S through med school rotations, residency and fellowships all of which had been with Addison. Whatever hospital you were in, there was something about them that made you feel the same. The quite hush that fell over the place only to be broken by alarms and a swirling team of doctors the tense and often tragic atmosphere, It was a weirdly calming environment. there something about a room full of sleeping babies, even terribly sick babies, that soothes the soul. That is unless it's your baby that's in the NICU. Derek can't even begin to imagine the amount of fear and terror that would evoke as a parent. Addison was missing from this NICU so it felt off, but he could easily picture her there leaning over any given isolette cooing encouraging words to a baby or soothing one who was in pain. Addison was a miracle worker but even she couldn't sav every baby. She took every loss hard; people say that doctors harden to loss and maybe that's true of some doctors but not Addison she remembered every loss she's ever had whether that was a baby or a mother, or in the worst cases both. Derek had sat with her through many of those loses he had been there for her very first lose and he had held her while she fell apart. He knew that although she was strong, she felt ever loss just as intensely as she had the very first one. But she had grown as a surgeon and she had tried to turn every loss into a lesson so that she could improve. Although there were some loses that there was no way to make sense of and no way to learn from. Those were even harder. Derek wondered what kind of lesson she was trying to make of their marriage.

Was their marriage a loss? The though terrified him.

"Derek! "

His thoughts were interrupted by someone calling out to him. It sounded as if this was not the first time they had said his name.

He turned around to see who it was "Oh Meredith hi."

"Hi, do you have a second to talk?" she smiled weakly.

He sighs and rubs his hand across his face

"Yeah fine…" he looks around "but uh let's go somewhere else to talk."

"Ok?" She's confused. But willingly to oblige since he's finally speaking to her.

He walks by her quickly making no move to see if she is following him. He heads toward an empty hallway and checks to see if there is anyone around and when it seems like nobody else is around, he indicates a supply room, and they step inside.

"Is everything ok? You seem kind of like shifty… what happened on your days off? We haven't talked since you came back did I like do something wrong?" She starts to ramble suddenly nervous.

Derek finally turns to face her; the exhaustion and stress of the last few days have caught up with him. "The chief Knows about us!"

Meredith is confused "I didn't tell him!"

"He SAW us!" Derek huffs "it's not like you were being discreet!" and while he knows it's not her fault and he's not entirely sure why he's taking his anger out on her for something they're both fault for, he is still nonetheless grateful for someone else to blame for his problems even just for a moment.

Meredith is flabbergasted what exactly is he accusing her of? "Oh, and you're the king of discretion! Kissing me in hallways and cornering me in elevators?" She retorts.

"It's completely unprofessional." Derek yells

"You're the one who perused me!" Meredith shouts back

This makes Derek feel guilty for a multitude of reasons not just the ones Meredith is already aware of, but she's not done. "And in case you have forgotten I've got a lot more to lose in this than you do. Who do you think Richard cares more about keeping at this hospital his new star attending and department head or the slutty intern who seduced that attending?" She asks him pointedly.

Derek is back to feeling like crap. The anger he felt moments ago is fading quickly with the shame of realizing that once again he has failed at an opportunity to come clean to Meredith "Look I'm sorry I shouldn't have reacted like that I know this is a complicated situation for you too." He said knowing that it was his fault that it was his fault it had gotten so complicated in the first place.

"I just have a ton on my mind and it's not fair that I'm is taking it out on." He attempted to explain

"So than tell me what's going on! Is the Chief why you've been avoiding me?" Meredith demands still seeming somewhat upset but willing to put the argument on hold for now.

Derek sighs "Actually there's more that I need to tell you."

"Ok?" Meredith says apprehensively

"Just not here ..." it's a long story and he doesn't think it a good idea to have this conversation in the hospital.

Meredith just continues to stare at him with her arms crossed

"So you should come by the trailer tonight?" he says it as more of a question hoping he hasn't pissed her off too much before they can even have the conversation.

"Ok." She agrees.

When Meredith arrives at the trailer it's not raining yet, but the air feels heavy like it's about to start pouring at any moment.

Derek is sitting on the wooden deck of the trailer nursing a beer he offers one to Meredith, but she only shakes her head in response.

She's standing once again with her arms crossed an expect look on her face.

So Derek takes this as his cue to begin speaking "So there's something I need to tell you and honestly it's something I should have already told you... and I want to apologize for the fact that I haven't told – "

"Derek seriously just tell me what's going on!" she is clearly tired of his stalling tactics.

"Look it's taking a lot for me to do this so I just need you to let me all get it out at once and then once I'm finished you can freak out and be angry but right now I just need to talk." He's just trying to find the right words.

"Ok." she puts up her hands in a gesture of surrender

"Ok so as I was saying I need no I want to apologize for the fact that I never told you any of this because it's put you in an awkward situation."

Meredith still seems exasperated by him, but it doesn't look like she's going to interrupt again

"I want you to know that I have no expectations that our relationship will continue once I tell you what I need to tell you. This is me giving you a complete out because you more than deserve it." Meredith looks frustrated again. Reminding him he needs to get to the point a little quicker.

"Right ok so I left New York for a reason... something happened to me and I just I had to leave I just couldn't be there anymore I needed to just NOT be …in new York …I guess I just needed out."

This is the first time his reliving what he was feeling when he walked away it's an incredibly uncomfortable feeling and he doesn't want to dwell on it very long so instead he prepares himself for what he has to say next. He's not sure that it will be much easier but knowing that he owes Meredith an explanation is helping to push him through. He looks at Meredith who is starting to look somewhat sympathetic he doesn't think that will last after what he has to say next

"One night I parked my car, I unlock my front door, go inside my house, and something 's different. Nothing's different, everything's the same, but yet, still, something's different. And I stand there for a while. And then I know. See, there are moments for me, you know, usually when I'm in the OR, when I just know what's gonna happen next. So I go upstairs. As I'm walking down the hall, I trying to prepare myself for what I'm gonna see when I go into my bedroom. I step on a man's jacket that doesn't belong to me. And everything I think I know just shifts."

Derek knows he's speaking to Meredith but right now in this moment he is back in front of his bedroom door about to walk in on his best friend and his wife. Having to relive the worst moment of his life all over again. He's doubting whether she had ever loved him doubting whether he had ever been the one she wanted. Needing to know why Mark? Had he always wanted her? He knows he needs to get through this, so he starts again. "Because the jacket that doesn't belong to me is a jacket that I recognize. And what I know now is that when I go into my bedroom, I'm not just gonna see that my wife is cheating on me. I'm gonna see that my wife is cheating on me with Mark, who happened to be my best friend." He finishes his voice gruff almost chocked sounding He feels moisture on his face had it started raining? He looks up now at Meredith who is now eerily silent for a moment she just stares but then she asks something he never would have expected.

"What's her name?" there's no need to enquire as to which her she means.

Derek isn't sure if he can look her in the eyes when he says it he's not sure who its more of a betrayal to but it definitely feels like some kind of betrayal to the both of them. Still he feels he owes it to her to look Meredith in the eyes "Addison. Her name is Addison."

Meredith nods

"Look," Derek starts

"I'm going to go… I need to go. "Now she's not making eye contact with him

Derek watches her drive away it's only once she's driven off that he realizes that it hadn't been raining at all.

This chapter took a bit longer to work through because it ended up being a lot longer than I thought and I considered breaking it up into two parts but the natural breaking point would have left the second half too short. So instead you get this hopefully its not to much of a jumbled mess I apologize for the lack of Addison in this update more will be revealed on her shortly as long as people are still into seeing where this goes? Also please let me knw what you think of my characterization of Meredith I spent a lot more time in Derek's head and wasn't sure about how I handled Mer's response to his revelation although obviously this isn't the only part of it she will have more to say for sure. Please review and feel free to ask any questions you have because it's helpful in directing my writing for future chapters.