Soldier jumped out of his bunk with a start. Another day of the peace agreement. What was he supposed to do all day? He pondered this as he put on his helmet and grabbed his Rocket Jumper. He had nothing to do after waking up the team for their morning workout. Agreement or no agreement, those maggots were not allowed to go soft, not on his watch! He shoved open the heavy wooden door, inhaled deeply and, "UP AND AT EM' MAGGOTS! I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SORRY BUNCH OF CUPCAKES SLEEPING IN!" He grabbed the bugle hanging on wall of the porch and blew into it. The doors of the surrounding bunks opened and 6 bleary mercs stumbled over to him, most of them still nightwear clad. "WHERE ARE SNIPER AND SPY?!" Demoman, fully dressed and unusually sober, laughed and said, "Those two lovebirds were screwin' like bloody weasels all night!" Soldier leapt off of the porch and shot a rocket at his feet, launching him high into the air. He landed on the roof of Sniper's bunk. Demo called out "Other bunk, mate!" Soldier gave him a nod and rocket-jumped onto the next roof over. He gave the skylight a kick, shattering it. He jumped into the room. There was an audible sound of two naked men being slapped with a riding crop at welt-making force. And then a synchronized scream of pain from a Frenchman and an Aussie. "GET OUT THERE YOU SORRY SACKS OF SCUM!" Both of them grabbed for clothes. " OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU WANNA SLEEP IN THE BUFF?! YOU GET TO TRAIN IN THE BUFF!" He slapped both of them with the riding crop. They scrambled to get out the door. Soldier chased them outside and whipped them over and over again as they dashed towards the group. The rest of the team was howling with laughter. Sniper and Spy were covering themselves in shame, unable to meet anyone's gaze. "Tennnn hut!" The mercs stood at attention. " Here's what's going to happen, I have created a vigorous exercise schedule for all of us. This damn agreement is not an excuse to slack off! RED is undoubtedly also going to be working out! We are going to outdo them! Follow me, MAGGOTS! " He took off sprinting. The whole team groaned. "Say.. He don't tell us what to do. What say we use this time to relax? Soldier's exercise routine from yesterday still has me beat. How bout it y'all?" , said Engineer. "Hell yeah! Quick question hardhat, you didn't do crap yesterday, how in the hell are you tired?!" Scout said. Demo walked off while they talked. He went to his bunk and got out the box of beer he was saving. He kicked open the door and yelled " Ay lads! Shut yer faces! Let's get wasted! " The whole team cheered and took beer. Soldier looked behind him. "Dammit!" He heard the cheers. This gave him pause. " Eh, what the hell. Those boys deserve some fun. " He rocket-jumped into the air with a sigh. "Let's go see what Demo's up too.."
over at the RED Base...
Demoman was passed out cold, still in his bunk. The rest of his team was out and about doing their own thing. Medic and Heavy were cooking, Soldier was rocket-jumping around with a Cow Mangler 5000, Engineer was in the garage building something, Scout was blabbering on about something to Spy, And Pyro and Sniper were playing Rock Paper Scissors. "HUTTAH!" The BLU Soldier came out of the woods holding a Rocket Jumper. "Hello, RED team! Where's Demoman?" The RED Heavy pushed the door of his cabin open. "Look, babies! Heavy and Doktor have made you breakfast!" Sniper turned around as he was walking over to the common area and shouted to the BLU Soldier "Demo's still asleep! If you're gonna wake him up, bring booze!" "Affirmative, RED maggot!" Soldier jogged over to the common area and got one of Demo's favorites. He went over to his cabin and knocked on the door, well, banged on it really. "DEMO! IT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND! I HAVE ALCOHOL AND PLANS FOR THE DAY! GET UP!" The door was shoved open less than a second later. A fully dressed Demoman gave the Soldier a bear hug and popped open the scrumpy. Gulp gulp gulp... "Ahh.. That's the stuff! What are we gon' to do today mate?" "I found an excellent place to rocket and sticky jump, as well as a bunch of places who will give me free beer if I just walk in holding a rocket launcher! That's right, you maggot! We! Are! Going! To! The! CITYYY!" "Sounds good! but might I make a suggestion? How about instead of going to the city, we go to a rodeo or a caber toss? Ay, lad?" "Will there be beer?" Demo kicked open his door to reveal bottles and bottles of alcoholic beverages. "Holy Mary mother of Joseph.. THAT is a lot of booze. Demo, you maggot, you put the BLU Demoman to shame!" "Ach noo. This is nothin'!" "Grab a couple of cases and a Sticky Jumper, we are going to get very high and drunk!" "Uhh, lad? I don't touch drugs.." "Not THAT kind of high! I mean we are going to fly like the eagle-esque american sons-a-bitches we are!" "Now that, I can get behind! Kill-Em'-Alllll!" Demo shoots four stickies at the ground and detonates them, launching himself. Soldier follows him high into the sky. "So, where to?" They landed on a nearby mountain. "AHA! Demo, you maggot, WE ARE GOING TO THAT PLACE!" He points an excited finger towards sweeping lights in the distance. "The military base?" "YES! AND WE ARE GOING TO TEACH THOSE MAGGOTS THE PROPER WAY TO BLAST JUMP! THE LAST TIME I TRIED TO SHOW THEM, THEY BLEW THEMSELVES UP!" "Sure, why not?"
2 minutes later...
"STATE YOUR BUSINESS!" The officer shouts at the two men carrying what seem to be heavy explosive weapons approaching the base. "WE ARE GOING TO TEACH YOU MAGGOTS TO PROPERLY BLAST JUMP!" Several men, guns at the ready file out of a barracks. "Care to threaten us again, civilian?" "Civilian? Civilian?! CIVILIAN?! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU SCUMSUCKING FRUITBASKET! I AM A VETERAN OF WORLD WAR II AND HAVE KILLED MORE NAZIS THEN YOU CAN DREAM! I AM NO MORE CIVILIAN THEN YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER! DISRESPECT ME AGAIN AND SO HELP ME GOD I WILL BASH YOUR MAGGOT SKULL IN! I HAVE EARNED MORE MEDALS IN MY TIME THEN YOUR WHOLE UNIT HAS COMBINED!" "Oh shit.." the officers mumbles to himself. "Please excuse my disrespect, Sir. What is your official title so that I may be able to address you, Sir?" "I AM YOUR SUPERIOR, THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU CRAPSUCKING MUTANT MAGGOT!" "Aye, you'll have to excuse him, he's a bit crabby from the flight over. His name's Mr. Jane Doe and you can call me Tavish. We're here to teach your platoon to blast jump." "Sirs, with all due respect, what in the hell is a blast jump?" Soldier is practically jumping up and down with excitement as Demo explained it. "I see. And how does one do said rocket or stickybomb jump? Wouldn't that kill us?" "Show em what yae can do Soldier!" Soldier jumped and shot at his feet, repeatedly doing so while moving forward, for a total of 4 times. A perfect pogo. 300 feet in 3 seconds. The soldiers went slack jawed with amazement. Soldier loaded in 2 rockets and jumped back. He thrust the launcher into the hands of the commander. The commander gives him a look but accepted it nonetheless. "Jump and shoot MAGGOT!" The commander jumped at Soldier's sudden screaming and attempted to rocket jump, blowing his legs off. The whole platoon went batshit. The commander screamed in agony, Demo grabbed Soldier's arm and they jumped away as fast as humanly possible.
"That mutant moronic maggot will never be a Soldier! What kind of soldier are you if you cannot even blast jump?! A CIVILIAN IS WHAT YOU ARE!" Demo put a hand on his shoulder. "Aye, calm down mate. We're going over there now." Demo (who was already very drunk as he brought an entire cooler of well over 20 bottles of whiskey and had drank at least 10 of them.) pointed in the general direction of the city of Mannhatten missing by about 10 feet. "AFFIRMATIVE!" They jumped over to the city, Soldier enjoyed several bottles of cheap alcohol and Demo chugged down well over 3,000 dollars worth of aged whiskey like it was water. Soon enough they found a rodeo that was going on. They were let in for free upon Soldier and Demo revealing themselves to be on the "Free Entry List" (list of people who are either special cases or practically terrorists. {showing up with a rocket launcher and/or grenade launcher makes you the latter.}) Demo found some seats while Soldier wandered off to get an ungodly amount of nachos and hot dogs. (All of which he would undoubtedly eat himself, as Demo is essentially powered by alcohol and aspirin.) The rodeo started and Soldier returned to their mid-row seats with possibly the most disgusting thing you have ever seen: Nachos with hotdogs slathered in ketchup, mustard, onions, relish, and extra cheese sauce; it also had a philly cheesesteak, an entire funnel cake, and an ungodly amount of hot sauce. He also had one of those oversized slushy drinks which he also put cheese sauce on. (all of which excluding the drink is stacked on top of itself.) Oh yeah, and he had 2 cases of the cheapest beer you have ever tasted, it doesn't taste much different from urine and is weaker than soda, but if you drink enough of it you can get a nice buzz (you'll also need to pee every 10 minutes.) Demo was running low on goof juice and popped open a cooler the second Soldier brought it over. He chugged down 3 cans in the space of a minute. The rodeo started. A man riding a bull was brought out and he was being flung around like a ragdoll, the scrawny man could barely keep his grip. "BOOOO! WE WANT SOME BLOOD YOU BLOODY WEAKLING!" Another man was brought out, this time on a horse. Both animals attempting to throw their rider but neither let go. "Aye, that's better." Soldier finished his disgusting mound of pre-digested diarrhea and was now pounding back several cans of alcohol. Between the two of them they finished the coolers of 20 cans each. Both men heavily inebriated, took it upon themselves to run down the stairs and clamber into the arena before security could stop them, both holding their respective ordnances. "I WANT TO RIDE THE HORSIE MAGGOT! YOU WILL GIVE ME THE HORSIE!" Soldier angrily screamed at the man on the horse, who in attempting to stop said "horsie" was flung off and landed with a painful thump on the other side of the ring. Demoman was attempting to get on the bull whilst the other man was still on it by throwing a seemingly endless string of empty beer bottles at the head of the bull rider. Soldier got his wish and got on the horse, who promptly threw him over the barrier into the bleachers. "WOOO HOOO! I RODE THE HORSIE! DIDJA SEE THAT PEPPER POT PETE?!" He asked a rather terrified child who was holding a snow cone. The child was crying to his mother. "Oh thank you maggot, I needed a smoke. Soldier took the snowcone and stuck the thing end of the paper cone in his mouth, attempting to light up the icy treat which was somehow still attached to the cone but to no avail. Meanwhile Demo ran out of beer bottles to throw and was attempting to get onto the bull (which retained its rider) with little luck. The animal kicked him right in the stickies and crocket (if you catch my meaning). He staggered around in pain and screamed a series of slurs too filthy to ever repeat and then proceeded to take off his pants and throw them at the rider, being the Scotsman he was he was wearing no underwear and had his junk hanging out for all to see, his pants hit the bull in the face causing it to flail blindly and kick him in the ol' critmaker again. Demomain promptly said something even more filthy (somehow) and passed out drunkenly. Soldier had also stripped naked and was over by the nacho stand smearing his nude body in artificial cheese. Security finally got off their asses and found both of them, after which they were thrown out of the rodeo and put on the "Call Police If Seen" list.
Both incredibly wasted and completely naked (Demo removed the rest of his clothes in the spirit of friendship) the two best friends hailed a cab and drove back to the base. It was only 12pm, the day was still young, and presumably after a long shower (as well as the donning of clothing but that was implied) and some aspirin they would be back on the town. After an hour of shitting himself repeatedly, Soldier came out of the john and reported that it should not be used until it has been blasted with some kind of magic cleaning ray, as everything was stained with diarrhea that smelled so bad and ate into the wooden outhouse so much it was practically radioactive. "Well lad, shall we get back on the town?" Demo gestured towards the cabbie he had under duress to wait to drive them back into Mannhatten. "Demo you beautiful bastard, move out!" They both got into the cab, Demo still very drunk but still coherent and Soldier reeking of toilet melting shit. From there the cabbie took them to a fancy bar with 3 floors and a mini casino. The moment they got into the place several waiters walked up to serve them in any way they could, as they were on the "Refuse Service At Your Own Risk" list. "Would messeur like the Demoman Special?" Soldier shouted at top volume (as per usual) "WE WILL TAKE TWO OF THEM! ALSO BRING ME SOME NACHOS AND A CIGAR!" Demo gave him a look "More bloody nachos? After that bloody shites from hell fiasco? Oh me mother Tilly.. Make that 6 Demoman Specials and 2 cigars." Soldier farted, it smelled so bad the waiter gagged. "If messieur's will follow me to your tables I will have your food and drink shortly." He suppressed a gag reflex as he brought them to their table. As he walked away Soldier shouted "DO NOT FORGET THE CIGARS YOU CROUTON!" Soldier pulled out a worn deck of cards. "We are going to play poker! Also, what is a Demoman Special maggot?" Demo had a giddy look on his face. "The best bloody thing ever, 4 liters of bloody heaven, whiskey, rum, bourbon, scotch, and a shite ton of limes! I love the bloody things." Soldier dealt out cards. "I will bet you 2 of my Demoman Specials I can kick your ass in poker!" Demo laughed drew a card, setting one down as he did. "FOLD!" Soldier shouted. He slapped down his cards. "Lad, that's not even a hand. These aren't even real cards! This is a bloody deck of scribbled pieces of paper!" Soldier gave him an annoyed look. "You are just mad you lost, maggot!" Demo went full on schadenfreude "You can have me bloody drinks if you can finish them!" "I CAN AND WILL, MAGGOT!" The waiter brought them their drinks as well as a giant platter of nachos and a very fancy arrangement of cigars and lighters. "Our finest, messieur." The waiter walked away, trying not to vomit at the memory of Soldier's horrible gas. Soldier scarfed down his nachos, Demo somehow chugged down 12 liters of alcohol without dying, and they played more "cards". Soldier was so drunk he could barely use his hands properly after 1 Demoman Special. "I w..win maggot! I have the most cards! Hahahah!" Soldier leaned outside of the booth and vomited up all the nachos he had eaten. "Waiter! Bring me more-" Demo put a hand over his mouth. "Y've had enough lad. It's 12 in the bloody morning, everyone left hours ago. Let's go back to our bases. And so they did, every 6 months on ceasefire week they would do vomiting shitting benders like these for days on end, every single time.
Ty for reading 3 thought this would be a happier lighter story after the Nazi slaying monsterfest of my last chapter.