Title: A Prettyish Kind of Wilderness
Setting: Modern AU
Rating: K
Chapters: 3
Blurb: "It is a consolidated tradition for the best man, I believe, to completely humiliate the groom during the wedding toast. Or, the tale of how Lizzy and Darcy lent both hands at Jane and Charles' housewarming party. Or, Pride and Prejudice in an afternoon.
I am not mother tongue & I am still looking for a beta reader, so if you find errors in spelling, grammar, incorrect usage of vocabulary or weird turn of phrases, feel free to let me know.
Where were we? D&E are stranded alone at Netherfield while J&C are stuck in the city. A wild Mr Collins appears. Plus the whole wedding toast thing.
["Is everyone done with their chocolate mousse? Perfect. Where were we, Jane? Oh, of course, Bill Collins. Before we go ahead, I would like to thank Bill for agreeing to talk with us about the events of that fateful afternoon. This toast would have never been possible without his testimony, or those of Mr Wickham, Caroline, Mrs Bennet and many others who kindly agreed to speak with us.
"I will also say that nor Wickham nor Bill are present today (one is in jail and the other busy establishing his new bed&breakfast business) which should be a relief to Lizzy, as they both were exhibits to the universally acknowledged law that Elizabeth Bennet was a magnet for rude, oblivious men who kept making inappropriate comments and could not realize when their attentions were unwanted. Shall we proceed?"]
–o–
Bill Collins was a pompous idiot who was succeeding in life through a mixture of servility, self-importance and never-ending speeches who served to wear down the adversary. Elizabeth worked with him at Fitzwilliam&De Bourgh and he had recently started to pay his delicate attentions to Elizabeth, with the expectation that they would sooner than later become an item.
Knowing all of this, Collins had been one of the first Elizabeth had called, wanting to make sure that he would not appear unexpected at Netherfield, as he had indeed done.
Elizabeth and Darcy had no choice but to welcome him into the house.
"Bill, we talked on the phone an hour ago. I thought I had explained to you the change of plans."
"Of course I remember our phone call, my dear Elizabeth. But I could not leave you here all alone in the face of adversity, could I?"
She refrained from scoffing. "This is hardly a moment of distress and I am not alone, Bill. May I introduce you to Mr Darcy? He is a friend of Charles. Darcy, this is my colleague Bill Collins, another…Another lawyer."
Oh, right, Darcy hated lawyers. Had a pleasurable conversation in the garden truly made her forget that?
Bill extended his hand. "Just Mr Collins will do."
Darcy made to shake it, but then he realized that the man was handing him a business card. He took it, wondering if Mr Collins really thought that Darcy would one day find himself in need of his legal assistance.
"Darcy…" Continued thoughtfully Mr Collins. "I have already heard that name. Were you perchance involved in the Birmingham v. Alderton trial? Perhaps as a witness?"
"No. I have never been involved in a trial." Well, that was a stretch. But somehow, it felt important to let Elizabeth know that he had a perfect criminal record.
Elizabeth only heard his pride at having managed to avoid his archenemies, lawyers, for all his life. Until this evening. She repressed a smirk. "So, Bill, as you see I am in excellent hands. ( Excellent hands, she considers me excellent hands, thought Darcy) So thank you for coming, but—"
"Nonsense, Elizabeth! I am here to stay and help you in any way I can. Now, you already have tea. I will go looking for warm blankets. This is such a charming house, truly a shame I won't be able to introduce myself to its delightful proprietors tonight!"
"Bill, wait—!"
But Bill was already wandering down the corridors and before Elizabeth could jump to the pursuit, Darcy stopped her putting a hand on her arm. "He doesn't know Jane or Charles?"
"No. He heard me talking about it with some colleagues that had been invited, and he… Insisted."
Darcy frowned. "Is there any way we can make him…?"
"Disappear? You wish." Right at that moment, Bill started to wonder loudly how much the mantelpiece in the living room had cost. "But he is innocuous. He won't stay long."
Bill had every intention of staying long. He insisted on helping Elizabeth with her phone calls, while in reality he only ate the canapés, praising them loudly or asking Darcy if they had possibly already met during this or that case. In short, he disturbed them both and didn't help at all.
As Collins vacuumed a whole tray of mini lamb kebab skewers, Darcy noticed that the man also relentlessly tried to invade Elizabeth's personal space. She was quick to rebuke him with hissed words that easily put the lawyer back to his place, but he always seemed to forget after a couple of minutes.
Darcy felt indignant on her behalf. Considering both Bill and that client of hers on the phone, what kind of work environment was Elizabeth forced to live in? Either something was seriously going wrong at Fitzwilliam&De Bourgh, or Elizabeth was a magnet for rude, oblivious men who kept making inappropriate comments and could not realize when their attentions were unwanted. Darcy felt himself boil all over.
Just as he was about to offer Elizabeth to exchange seats with him, Bill Collins remembered where he had already heard the name Darcy.
"But of course! You are Mrs de Bourgh's nephew! I must make you my most humble excuses for only realizing it now."
At first, Elizabeth didn't understand, and then she did. She looked at Darcy with eyes round as saucers. "You are Judge Fitzwilliam's son ?!"
Darcy stiffened. "I am."
Elizabeth was incredulous, shell-shocked, dumbfounded! Anne Fitzwilliam was one of her role models. Anne Fitzwilliam, Darcy's mother. How could he hate lawyers when his mother had been one?
After founding a successful law firm with her sister Catherine de Bourgh (the law firm Elizabeth now worked for) she had thrown herself into social activism, leading the city to approve numerous norms against food deserts and gentrification. It was because of her that the firm took on so many pro bono cases every year! Finally, understanding that change needed to come from within the system too, she had left advocacy to become one of the most respected judges in the Superior Court.
And now Elizabeth was sitting at the same table with Anne Fitzwilliam's son, who hated lawyers.
"How wonderfully these sort of things occur! Who would have thought of my meeting with a nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh in this house! I suspect our dear Elizabeth was none the wiser, or she would have informed me immediately. But I am most thankful that the discovery was made in time, Mr Darcy, and I trust you will excuse our not having paid our respects to you before." MrDarcy eyed him with unrestrained wonder, but Collins continued, oblivious. "I am happy to assure you that when we last saw Mrs de Bourgh this morning, she was quite well. Wasn't she, dear Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth was saved from answering by George Wickham's incoming call. She wouldn't have answered to him after his heart-attack-show, but it was a way to leave before she burst out laughing on Bill's face.
She excused herself from the room ignoring Darcy's silent pleas for help as Collins started a speech on the tailleur that Mrs De Bourgh had been wearing that morning.
She slipped into the kitchen, allowed herself to break in a brief laugh and answered the call.
"So, Mr Forster threw me out of my apartment."
Elizabeth remembered that Mr Forster was his landlord. "Why?" And why are you telling me this?
"Well, he found me checking Mrs Forster's breasts for lumps if ye know what I mean."
Oh my God. Has he forced himself on a poor married woman? "Have they already pressed charges? Is the police there?"
"Cool down, woman! She was very glad to enjoy my medical attentions. Why, she spread herself on the observation table and she was so compliant she—"
" Mr Wickham, where are you right now?"
"On the side of the road. She got thrown out too, but she has a sister in town." His tone became soft and sentimental. "I have no one else but you, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth did not want to deal with this. This weekend was supposed to be her first break in months, and look at how it had turned out: Jane involved in a car crash, she stuck at Netherfield with two frustrating men and Wickham haunting her via telephone.
From the other room, she could hear Bill Collin's grating voice, now harassing Darcy with questions about the number of windows in his aunt's country house.
And at that moment, she found epiphany.
"Mr Wickham! What your landlord did is clearly illegal, as being in an extra-conjugal relationship with the landlord's wife does not constitute sufficient cause for immediate eviction." Probably. "Regrettably, I am not an expert in that field, but with your permission, I will refer you to an esteemed colleague of mine that will straighten out the matter in a minute. It will be pro bono all the same, of course."
Mr Wickham gave his blessing to the scheme and Elizabeth returned to the dining room, where Bill Collins's panegyric on Catherine de Bourgh had veered on to what good qualities were required to become an excellent lawyer in general.
"What is your opinion, Mr Darcy?"
Mr Darcy smirked condescendingly, but Collins was too self-absorbed to notice. "I know too little about the profession to have an opinion. But I suppose you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an excellent lawyer."
"Oh, certainly!" Cried Bill Collins. "A lawyer must have a thorough knowledge of the art of litigation, the correct use of punctuation, the psychology of the common man and an experience of at least two years as president of his high school club to deserve the word; and besides all this, he must possess an imposing air and manner of walking, a loud tone of voice, and a certain determination to prevail in the field — which I am sorry to say your mother lacked, as she left the profession – or the word will be but half-deserved."
Darcy stared at Collins with the icy expression of an emperor condemning a rebel to death by mauling. Collins did not seem to realized and was about to say something else when Elizabeth decided to intervene.
"All this a lawyer must master, perhaps" she blabbered trying to end the discourse quickly, "but to all this one must yet add something more substantial, through the study of humility."
Elizabeth immediately regretted the words, as she had not meant to be this harsh towards Collins, but the man did not seem to notice.
Darcy, on the contrary, did. His irate expression melted away, his shoulders relaxed and he smirked at Elizabeth as if they were sharing a private joke. "I am no longer surprised at your knowing only two excellent lawyers as you say, Mr Collins." He said while looking at her. "I rather wonder now at your knowing any. I never saw such capacity and application as you describe united in one person."
Bill Collins cried out against the injustice of his implied doubt towards Catherine de Bourgh and himself, but Elizabeth was quick to distract him, asking if they could talk in private for a minute.
She explained the situation that her client had entangled himself in, hinted that Mrs de Bourgh would be very impressed if he could solve the matter as soon as possible and had him out of the door in two minutes, with two trays of leek and blue cheese pizza canapés to boot.
Closing the door, Elizabeth silently exulted at her defeating both Wickham and Collins in one move. Now she only had to fix Darcy and—
"How did you persuade him to leave?"
Elizabeth turned around. There he was, leaning nonchalantly against a doorframe.
"A work matter. But I can't say more, attorney-client privilege. So." She crossed her arms. "You didn't tell me that you are my boss' nephew."
He straightened and looked fixedly above her shoulder. "I thought it would make us both uncomfortable if you had known."
Well, instead now she was pissed. Elizabeth took a step forward and they came face to face. He was taller and she had to tip her head to look at him in the eyes. "So you weren't trying to get me to badmouth her or something?"
Darcy knotted his brow. "Why should I do that?"
"What about your mother? Did you think I would pester you around asking for autographs?"
"No. But I don't like to be associated with her." Elizabeth looked at him like he was crazy. "No, I don't mean— I love my mother, but, sometimes people have very strong opinions about her sentences and want to discuss them with me or attack me about them, and I don't have the slightest idea of what they are talking about or how to respond, so I simply don't tell them of who I am. The same with aunt Catherine."
Was he serious? Elizabeth wondered again if he was just acutely awkward or a pretentious ass. She kept going back and forth between the two. In any case, he would be Charles' best man. It was better not to start an argument with him.
She smiled appeasingly. "I won't ask you any questions about Kevin v. Kevin&Co, then."
"That would be better…"
Wait, was she going soft on him because Anne Fitzwilliam was her hero? Did her admiration for his mother cloud her judgement? She could not allow that. He was still the man that had found her wanting after a conversation of not even ten words. His mother had nothing to do with that, just as Elizabeth had nothing to do with her own mother's histrionics. She had better remember that.
She looked deep into his eyes, analyzing his expression until she realized just how close they were standing. She quickly took a step back. "I think we should go finish with those phone calls."
Elizabeth went back to the dining room without waiting for an answer and Darcy found himself alone.
He finally let out the breath he was very aware he had been holding. He was also very aware that, had she not stepped back at that moment, he would have kissed her.
His heart was still beating so wildly, that Darcy felt it would soon burst out of his chest and follow Elizabeth out of the room.
Strange how some things happen. He had been dreading this party: to be stuck at Netherfield for hours surrounded by strangers, struggling to escape Caroline's clutches or, even worst, of whatever other woman Charles' had selected for him, and instead… Instead, here comes Elizabeth.
There was no denying he was attracted to her. He had never felt this way before for someone, much less after not even an afternoon in her company. It was her eyes that had done him in, he thought. Her beautiful, soulful eyes that he could keep staring at for hours and hours and—
Charles was damn right. And he will never let this go. We will hear him talking about it for years. God, what am I supposed to do now?
He had forsaken dating and relationships after what had happened with Georgiana and she was a lawyer, that had to be considered, but, but could he not forget about everything and simply embrace these feelings? Could it be that simple?
Taking a decision, Darcy joined Elizabeth in the dining room.
["So, what do you think Darcy did when he found himself completely alone in a romantic country house with the most beautiful, fascinating woman he had ever met? But of course, he went back to finish those phone calls! Because what else would you expect from someone who has led an irreproachable life since age three? No, no, no, he decided to wait and panic in his head first about what he was going to say to her. That was actually a good call, Darce, since Lizzy hated your guts at that point. But, unfortunately for you, that was also your only good call in the whole afternoon."]
They managed to contact all the remaining guests fairly quickly. It was now almost seven in the evening and it had been a while since they had heard from Charles and Jane so they called them. Charles asked to be put on speakerphone.
"Well, we have talked with the insurance guy, but we are still at the police station. We have no idea how long it will be yet."
"Have you had something to eat yet?"
"Don't worry, Lizzy." Answered Jane. "There is a vending machine here, we will buy some sandwiches. What about you, how are you enjoying the canapés?"
Lizzy was on the point of answering that in fact, she wanted the name of the caterer when Darcy interjected with: "I can't understand why you are still there. It shouldn't take them more than a few minutes to take your statement."
"The police forces have more urgent matters to worry about than a car crash with no victims." Objected Elizabeth.
"Certainly, but Jane and Charles have been there for hours. Can't spare a moment for them?"
"Good God, Darcy. What has gotten into you?" Exclaimed Bingley. "If I didn't know any better, I would think you were at your own house on a Sunday evening and with nothing to do. Tell me, Lizzy, has he been such an ogre the whole afternoon?"
"Not at all, Charles. He's been worse."
Charles laughed. "Pray, tell me what you have to accuse him of, I would like to know how he behaves among strangers."
"I am not in a bad mood, Charles, I would simply like for you and Jane to be free to come home." Elizabeth could see that he was mightily offended.
"Thank you for worrying, Darcy," interjected Jane, "but there is no need, I'm sure it will be over in a half an hour max. But what are you going to do now? Lizzy, you are still staying the night, right?"
"If you don't mind."
"Of course we don't mind. What about you, Darcy?"
"Oh, uhm. I think I will stay here until you return. To make sure you are alright."
Darcy snuck a side-eyed glance at Elizabeth, who was smiling incredulously and misunderstood that reaction for happiness at his staying.
"Wonderful!" Exclaimed Charles. "Why don't you watch something while you wait? Get yourself comfortable. We've got Netflix on the TV in the living room.
"Yes, try to relax and don't forget the canapés!" Added Jane.
Goodness, Jane, are they trying to turn this into an improvised blind date? Wondered Lizzy. They would be quite disappointed if they knew how it's going.
After they had closed the conversation, Elizabeth smiled pleasantly at Darcy and said: "If you are staying on my account, there is no need."
He arched his eyebrows. "Not at all. I just want to see Charles at the end of this misadventure. And I would never forgive myself if Collins was to come back to importune you after I had left."
Elizabeth stiffened but her smile didn't waver. "I am perfectly capable of fending for myself, thank you. I am going to take those canapés."
As she made her way to the kitchen, Elizabeth considered if there was any way she could persuade him to forget his chivalrous rubbish and leave. But, she reflected as she opened the fridge, perhaps he truly wanted to wait for Charles. Yes, he certainly wasn't staying at Netherfield because of her, someone who he considered "Charles' worst idea of the year".
Alright, perhaps he wasn't completely terrible and the evening would not be a disaster. There had been that pleasing conversation about his house, and also that awkward moment in the hall when they had stood uncomfortably close. He had almost seemed a real human being then.
A charming human being. A very good-looking human being… What am I thinking? I am not that shallow. With that thought, Elizabeth took a tray of chocolate mousse pots out of the fridge and turned around.
Darcy was observing her from the door and she could not help but feel startled. "Darcy, I just lost ten years of life! Why are you sneaking up on people like that?"
He seemed confused. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Here, let me help you." He took the tray from her hands. "I uhm, just wanted to ask you where the living room is…?"
As she led the way through the house, Elizabeth hoped that Darcy would at least reveal an impeccable taste in Netflix movies.
["If there is something you have to know about our Darcy, is that he is biologically incapable of flirting. He does try to strike up conversations, I have seen him trying, but the poor girl never realizes what is happening and he himself doesn't realize that the girl doesn't realize— Well, you get the idea. So it shouldn't surprise anyone how the evening went downhill with an attempt at flirtation. Or more precisely, when Elizabeth asked: 'Darcy, do you talk as a rule while watching a movie?']
To Elizabeth's question: "Well, what should we watch?" Darcy had answered: "Anything but legal dramas."
An answer which had unnerved her ( As if her whole life revolved around court! As if lawyers could only like one genre and nothing else! ), leading her to relinquish the remote control without uttering another word.
Darcy's choice had not been that bad, actually: an obscure indie movie about a serial killer who killed hikers in a Polish wood. After the first half an hour Elizabeth had found herself gripped by the story, but then Darcy had started talking.
When the first victim had been discovered: "You are sleeping here, then?"
"Yes, for the weekend."
"And, do you do it often?"
"Netherfield was declared livable three weeks ago so, no."
Then, when one of the police officers was killed by a bear: "We have bears in Pemberley too."
"Aha."
Then, when the forensic guy analyzed a leaf found under a victim's boot: "That is actually imprecise, that particular kind of oak was originally from—"
And he has accused me of being a chatterbox! "Darcy, do you talk by rule while watching a movie?"
Darcy stopped the movie and turned towards her. "Sometimes. Especially when watching something not as mentally engaging as one would wish."
"This was your pick. You said you had been wanting to watch it for some time."
"Well…"
"And I do like it, so I would be glad if you stopped interrupting it every two seconds."
He looked annoyed. "You seriously prefer watching that to talking with me?"
He is so egocentric, I can't even— But Lizzy stayed calm. "I do."
Darcy winced.
"Now, if you please." Elizabeth gestured towards the TV asking to play the video again, Darcy didn't react, still shocked, and she muttered "For goodness' sake!", before leaning towards him.
She leaned her body past him to grab the remote control, but in doing so she inadvertently found herself very close to Darcy. Specifically her face close to his face and he was staring at her with a weird gaze. Elizabeth froze in that position for the surprise and that was when Darcy dived in to kiss her.
Elizabeth flinched but managed to pull back just in time, too shocked to react in any other way. While she tried to process what had just happened, Darcy furrowed his brow in a puzzled expression and dived in again.
This time Lizzy jumped to her feet and hurried from the couch, stopping in front of the television. "Whoa, whoa. What were you trying to do?"
Darcy's brow furrowed even deeper. "Kissing you, of course." He rose from the couch and took a step towards her.
"Don't move! And, what do you mean, 'kissing me'?"
Darcy chuckled. "Come on, Lizzy, we have been dancing around this the whole afternoon."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Darcy moved again towards her and Elizabeth ran in another direction but he followed her, until the two of them started to circle the couch.
"Of our mutual attraction!" Exclaimed Darcy.
Elizabeth stopped dead on her tracks for the surprise, allowing him to finally reach her.
"I realize that I should have asked you out before trying to kiss you, it was rather ungentlemanly of me, but I got… Caught up in the moment." He had taken her hand and was now playing with her fingers. "This may seem rushed since we have only met hours ago, but I like you, very much. I would like to take you out to dinner when I come back from Germany next week. Ah, I'm working on five abroad projects at the moment and I'm constantly travelling all around the world, so I suppose we will be able to see each other two times a month or so for the next half a year — preferably at Pemberley, it's beautiful there and we could have our privacy — and then, if all goes well between us, I could rearrange my schedule. Or you could come with me on my business trips. But we can talk about this later. Ah, and you are not in civil litigation, are you? You being a lawyer is already a problem, but if you were a civil litigator then it would truly be—"
Elizabeth forced her hand out of his grasp. "I am very sorry to destroy your castle in the air, but I will not rearrange my life on the basis of a relationship I have no intention of pursuing."
He did not react at first. He stood in front of her, motionless, with his eyes fixed on her face. He was struggling for the appearance of composure, and would not speak until then. The pause was to Elizabeth's feelings dreadful.
At length, with a voice of forced calmness, he said: "Are you rejecting me?"
"Indeed!"
This brought him out of his trance and he jumped back. "Are you in earnest?!"
"I may ask you the same thing since I had no idea there was a mutual attraction between us until you declared so two minutes ago!" As she pronounced these words, Darcy winced, but he listened without attempting to interrupt her while she continued: "Or, I may ask you why ever you would want to go out with me when I am so unsuitable? Being a lawyer is a great fault indeed! Can you please detail why you hate the profession when your whole family is in the law business?"
So much for deciding to swallow my anger. She thought while catching her breath.
He glared. "I hold no ill feelings toward lawyers."
"That's not what you told Charles. And, now that I think about it, I wonder how you would like my money-grubbing ways if we were to date."
He became red with anger. "You eavesdropped on my conversation with Charles. You had no right. You cannot refuse me on the basis of one eavesdropped conversation!"
"Well, I did so sue me. And wasn't that what you did too? You called me a chatterbox after I had said not ten words! You kept snickering at Collins the whole time he was here."
"He made you uncomfortable!"
"Yes, uncomfortable, that is how I felt the whole afternoon with you sulking in the corner and staring at me with your big dark eyes for God knows what reason!"
"So this, this is your opinion of me! Thank you for explaining it so clearly. But perhaps, if your pride had not been hurt by that eavesdropped private conversation, you would have the clear-sightedness to realize that you are making a great mistake."
"A mistake! You are mistaken if you suppose that. Even if I had been blessedly unaware of all these charming feelings of yours, what woman with a minimum of self-respect would date someone who says he will allow her to see him two times a month in his isolated country house and then disappear to Japan? What am I supposed to be, your booty call when you are in town?"
"That is not what I meant."
"That is what you said. Oh, and don't forget when he demands she leaves her job, and her whole life, to follow him in his very important business trips around the world — but she is a gold digger anyway, that's what she wanted after all!"
"That is not what I meant and you know it!" Darcy was very, very angry. If more at her or himself he did not know. " This is why I don't like lawyers. It's impossible to have a civil discussion with you, you extrapolate, manipulate, misconstrue everything one says, you churn out your damned rhetoric artifices without giving the opponent time to defend himself— hell, you don't even give them time to think!"
"Very well, then, have all the time in the world to think, because this conversation is over !"
Elizabeth grabbed her cellphone and marched out of the room, out of the house and into the garden.
–o–
["Now if you will allow me to take a brief pause to get some water, I'm suddenly feeling very thirsty. Excuse me, maitre d'?"]
Final notes
Well, the other shoe just dropped. How angry is Elizabeth on a scale from "a lot" to "the whole universe" in your opinion?
The third and final chapter will be posted next Monday, so I'll... see you then? Read you then? Write to you then? I don't know. But the next chap is definitely coming next Monday.
PS The Polish Netflix movie mentioned does not exist, unfortunately. I just made something up quickly. But, if you are interested in super gruesome stuff, try The Valhalla Murders?