HAM

Abraham was sat on his lap-top at the dining-room table, looking around the room, and coming to the realisation that nothing in this home was his. Even though he had moved into Audrey's home a decade ago, the surroundings did not reflect this.

He was pretending to work, just to escape Audrey and the children. The guilt was eating him alive, and just seeing the three of them, reminded him of what a terrible person he was.

Christmas Day had been a nightmare; feigning happiness, swallowing the guilt as he opened gifts from Audrey that included round-trip tickets to Alaska and an Alaskan cruise – something that he had always dreamed of doing. Brand new Bruno Magli loafers; just stunning, he couldn't wait to wear them. VIP tickets to see his favourite band, The Killers. Her generosity knew no bounds, and he had always enjoyed her thoughtful gifts and lavish lifestyle.

In return he had bought her a new pair of black patent Christian Louboutin's, a weekend pampering session at her favourite spa and a tiffany yellow diamond ring that had cost more than he earnt in a year from his web design business. (Audrey had given him the list of things to buy for her, so he couldn't even take credit for the luxurious gifts.)

And as she gushed with fake excitement, his stomach had churned and his mobile flashed incessantly with multiple text messages, which he ignored, preferring to bury his head in the sand.

And now it was Boxing Day and he was out of excuses.

The most recent text had flashed up and he was sat, like a fox cornered by the hounds, not knowing which way to run.

I'm on my way round, and I'm not leaving without you!

AUDREY

The Astro: There are periods of struggle in your life when it feels like you're being put through trials for no clear reason.

Audrey stretched lazily and thought again that she really should at least brush her teeth but the thought of the yummiest salted caramel cheesecake was calling to her from the fridge. She had eaten two slices on Christmas Eve, washed down with Baileys, and had thought of little else since.

'Jade, Derek – tea & cheesecake?' She asked, grunting as she climbed out of the leather couch, wondering if she hired a full-time maid, would it be too much to ring a bell from the couch and ask to be brought tea and cheesecake.

Her teenagers grunted yes, neither of them looking up from their new smart phones and she reluctantly tore herself away from the couch (brand new black leather, same couch as from her campaign, set of two, courtesy of Darcy & Talbot).

She padded down the freshly painted hall, looking at a new life-size framed photo on the wall. It was of her, Ham and the kids on a yacht with the glistening Caribbean sea in bright comparison to the UK dreary winter weather, and patted herself mentally on the back for providing for her family so well. They had returned home the week before Christmas and she had rush ordered the photo to be delivered in time for the holiday although she had been the most excited about it.

Neither Ham nor the kids had seem that bothered but, to be fair, Audrey looked the best, smiling at the camera, hair looking shiny and lush, orange mirrored sunglasses and tanned, her neck stretched out to hide her double chin, her body hidden behind Ham. Ham was yawning and both of her teenagers were looking at their phones in the photo.

Her tudor-style cottage was her pride and joy. It was more of a mansion than a cottage but it had carried the name 'Burton Cottage' since the 18th century. It was the perfect combination of old world charm and brand new mod-cons, with a Moroccan inspired master bedroom with a deluxe en-suite, featuring a spa tub. There were five bedrooms in total, all with en-suite features.

The kitchen was her favourite room – sleek and silver, with a bright red aga. She loved cooking for her family, and adored them to gather socially in this room, with a huge middle island and comfortable stools all around – lately, she found herself in the kitchen alone, but was determined that this year, they would do more as a family.

Even the gardens were lush – beautiful green lawns, majestic oak trees, with happy bird tweeting and nesting throughout the spring. Her lovely neighbours from the village, Diane and Steve, would take care of the gardens for her, saving her hiring anyone. There was no way she was getting her hands dirty, or stung by bees. They refused to take payment, both being the outdoorsy kind, retired and in need of projects, so she had a crate of their favourite merlot delivered a few times a year to say thanks.

Audrey caught a glimpse of herself in the full length ornate mirror at the end of the hall and grimaced. She had put on three stone in the past year, and it had all gone on her arms, calves – who had fat calves? How she hated the odd weight distribution - and a gigantic bottom, out of proportion with the rest of her. She was still attractive for her late forties but long working hours and poor food choices had taken a toll on her body. The job had sucked up all of her energy and most of her gym time. She still thought she looked pretty damn hot though.

*Delusional, Reader

Audrey popped her head into the dining-room where Ham was working away on his lap-top, as usual. He was a self-employed web designer, and seemed to be improving with age, damn it! Men had it so much easier, thought Audrey. Ham hadn't put on three stone in the past year, yet they ate all the same meals. She quickly brushed away the memories of doughnuts and bacon sandwiches in the office, and her never-ending goblet of red wine every night.

'Cheesecake, sweetie?'

Ham looked up from his laptop (brand new, thanks Santa!) looking harassed. He had been so stressed lately, the poor thing, his business was taking a long time to 'take off' as he had assured her it would when he had quit his job two years ago. Whenever she asked how it was going, he would snap that 'websites take time to develop' and 'payments are slow at the beginning'.

'No, ta,' he said, and Audrey could swear that he looked accusatorily at her thighs.

'We're watching the Hangover, if you want to come and join the family?' said Audrey in a tone that made her underlings in the office jump at her command.

'No, ta,' said Ham, pointedly staring at his lap-top. 'Haven't you seen than film twenty times?'

The doorbell rang and Audrey sighed, heading back down the hall, knowing that her lazy children would never dream of getting off the couch to answer the door. She wondered if it was a delivery of more gifts from her grateful employer, for dragging their brand out of the dark ages and smack bam into the 21st century. Maybe a hamper full of Boxing Day treats?

As her naked boobs swayed underneath her silky pyjamas, she thought again that she really should shower and put a bra on. They were expecting her mum, who was going to cook them dinner. Audrey hadn't been able to think of an excuse to stop the annoying old shrew coming around on Boxing Day; after all, she had avoided her mother most of December, thanks to their last minute exotic holiday, and Christmas Day.

Audrey opened the door and looked into the face of a young girl in her early thirties, blonde, skinny with bright blue eyes, thin lips, dressed in skin-tight leggings and Ugg boots. The girls eyes were flashing, full of hate.

Startled, Audrey gaped at the girl, wondering if she was here for Derek. He had been known to upset a lot of the local girls. A lot of 'unwanted attention' from Derek's hands, a disgruntled mother had confronted her in Waitrose recently, which Audrey dismissed as nonsense and jealous gossip.

'Me and Ham are in love!' announced the pretty girl, with a quivering lip. 'We've been seeing each other for months. I'm pregnant with his child and he is leaving you. Today. You fat old troll. He hasn't had the balls to tell you. Oh and we had sex in your bed when you were at work. HAM! COME ON, WE'RE LEAVING!' she screeched into the open door, behind Audrey.

And the devious, cheating, ball-less, Abraham came out of the dining room, walked down the hallway (avoiding looking at their life-size holiday photo) and skulked past a speechless Audrey without a word. He avoided eye contact with the astonished Audrey, stood in her pyjamas, past Jade and Derek who were now stood at the living-room door staring – still with phones glued to their hands - and he followed the girl who was now walking down Audrey's drive-way, impatiently yelling 'come on' to the skulking Ham, with his lap-top under his arm, and a bulging satchel over his shoulder.

You couldn't make this stuff up, Reader.

FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK!