My life lately has seemed to be stuck in limbo lately, each and every day I spend my time trying to balance spending time with Sarah but also knowing the appropriate amount of space so she doesn't feel smothered, overwhelmed, and most importantly that she doesn't feel bad about not remembering me. Becoming a spy overnight was the hardest thing I had to adapt to, but this really has been so much harder. I am naturally comfortable around her so for me the hardest part is not getting too comfortable but also not become too standoffish, it truly is a lot to balance. Even right now as we sit next to each other on the couch just relaxing and watching a movie. I can't really find myself able to focus much on the movie as I am too focused on sneaking glances at her and hoping she doesn't notice. Any other movie night we had before was us cuddled up on the couch and now I can sense we are both afraid to even prop our legs up on the couch. In emotional moments or even times we have been caught up in a conversation together we've been having lately, physical touch has never been an issue but I can feel the tension around it hanging over our heads. I hear the doorbell ring and I jump off the couch and walk behind it as to not obstruct Sarah's view of the tv. "Pizza must be here" I tell her as I grab my wallet from the table to grab some cash.
"I'll pause the movie for you if I can figure out how to do it" Sarah says through a laugh, she has a long list of skills that range from hand to hand combat to breaking into places with the highest form of security but basic technology still seems to stump her sometimes.
"No need to pause it, I have seen this before. But that was sweet of you to offer" I run my hand across her arm as I pass her spot on the couch on my way to the front door. I open the door and the smell of the warm gooey cheese fills my nostrils, I greet the pizza guy and pay him, with the pizza now in hand I turn and face Sarah and close the door behind me. "I have on supreme pizza without the olives of course" one of the first things I ever really learned about Sarah was her dislike of olives, and here I am five years later letting her know that I pay attention all over again.
"It is still hard to remember sometimes that you know so many things about me and I have to learn them all over again" She says it in a jokey tone but I know its a real insecurity of hers currently.
"How about after the movie we can talk and I will answer any questions you want to know" We try and do this every once in a while but I also worry going too quickly would make her feel bad she isn't remembering. It is a lot easier to notice things about someone when you are in love with that person, and unfortunately my wife is not currently in love with me. I know I am worried about pushing her too far and that is a real concern, but I know it also has a lot to do with me and what I am not always ready to face. It kills me inside knowing she doesn't love me right now and every time I watch her learn something new about me I am reminded that all that basic Chuck information once had a place in her head. I set the pizza box down on the coffee table in front of the couch and throw open the big lid. The smell of that gooey cheese intensifies and makes my mouth start to water, I turn to hand Sarah a slice and see that the smell is having an opposite effect on her.
"I think I am going to be sick" She jumps out with her hand covering her mouth and runs out of the room. I hear the sound of the bathroom door already slamming before I can get up from my seat. I put the slice that is still in my hand back into the box and wipe the grease off my hands before I rush over to the bathroom. I lean my ear up to the door and hear the sounds of Sarah throwing up.
"Sarah, are you okay? Do you want me to come in there?" Any other time this door wouldn't have been closed, I would have been in there to hold her hair back and mostly just be there a support for her. Our vows included the line about sickness and health.
"No, please don't come in. I don't want you to see me like this" She speaks quietly but enough for me to hear her through the door. I feel helpless waiting out here and not being able to do anything. I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass of water for her, with water in hand I sit down on the floor and lean my head back against the wall. I wait until I hear the toilet flush and she walks back out, her fair skin is even paler and her hair is tousled.
"Are you okay?" I ask her as she sits down on the floor with me and I hand her the glass of water. She talks small sips and then sets the half empty glass on the floor in between us.
"I don't know what has been wrong with me, I can't seem to shake this stomach bug" She has spent every day this week basically feeling sick or tired or having a headache at some point during the day.
"Well if you are still feeling sick I want to take you to the doctor" We have spent so much time worrying about the mental toll losing her memories has put her through but I didn't even think to consider any physical symptoms that could have resulted. I can't comprehend the brain the same way that Ellie does but I remember when my brain went haywire from the intersect I had horrible weakness and blurry vision, I can't even imagine what might be happening to Sarah right now.
"I think I am just going to bed now, sorry I keep ruining our nights together" The way she talks makes me feel bad that she is feeling guilty about being sick, something out of her control and no way anything she could have done on purpose.
"It's okay Sarah, get some rest and I will see you in the morning" I give her a light kiss on the forehead and then stand up, I reach my hands down for her to grab and help her to her feet. I bend down to pick up the glass of water so I don't have to see her walk away and I only stand up again when I can hear her bedroom door close. I hope she doesn't misconstrue my behavior as me being upset with her, I just don't know how to look her in the eyes with everything going through my head. I don't want to scare her that there is a possibility the stomach bug is not some virus going around and instead could be more side effects of the memory loss, or even worse, it could signify something even more serious going wrong in her body. I leave the glass in the sink and walk back out to the living room and sit back down on the couch, I open back up the pizza box and still feel the warmth at the bottom that seeped onto the table. As I stare at all the toppings I don't find myself as hungry as I was once before but I know I can't go another night without food in my system, it won't do me any good to wake up feeling sick as well. As I am eating I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time, it reads 8:30 and that means it is almost 11 in Chicago, Ellie is most likely already asleep. I won't be able to call her tonight and sending a text now will just worry her, I put my phone on the table and close the pizza box as I finish my second slice of pizza. I lay down on the couch and pull the blanket over myself, I flip onto my side and turn away from the dim glow of the tv that I don't even bother to turn off. Sleeping with a bit of light almost makes up for the lack of another person to fall asleep next to.
There is a brush against my shoulder at first that then turns into a gentle shaking that is followed by her sweet voice "Chuck" she whispers over and over again. My eyes open up to her glowing face, she is wearing her white silk pajamas and I could swear she is an angel.
"Hi Sarah" I stretch out my long legs that extend far past the length of the couch and rub my face with both my hands. I feel a wet spot on the corner of my mouth and become painfully aware that I was drooling. I wipe it away and hope that Sarah didn't notice, I always find myself doing something embarrassing around her.
"Did you sleep out here last night?" She takes a step back when she talks as I continue to stretch, someone my size was not meant to sleep on a couch this small and I am already feeling the consequences in my aching back.
"Yeah, I guess I dozed off out here" I sit up and motion for her to sit down on the chair behind her. "I'm sorry if you got up last night and I didn't hear. Are you feeling better his morning?"
"I threw up again but now I am feeling a bit better, I think I might go out and run some errands in case I am not feeling well again later today" I know it is good for her to get out and be able to do things on her own but I wish I could at least do something for her to help out and take care of my sick wife.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I still want you to go to the doctors if you are sick" I don't know how much a doctor would be able to help her if her sickness is intersect related.
"I'll think about it" She tells me with hesitation in her voice, I understand where the hesitation comes from. When you are a spy you don't trust anyone and it could be dangerous to let anyone get so close and personal with you, even the doctors at the CIA couldn't always be trusted and now Sarah doesn't have any of that protection either. The only doctors she can truly trust are over 2,000 miles away. I do know that I need Sarah out of the house before I can talk to Ellie, she may be retired now but Sarah is still a spy after all and will be able to tell when I am hiding something from her. I just need to make sure that we can have a course of action so we don't have to freak Sarah out.
"I think I might run some errands today too, maybe stop over at the Buy More and pick out a new movie for us to watch together and get a chance to see Morgan" My best friend only lives a few doors down but I have barley seen him in the past two weeks, Morgan has the purest heart but he can be an acquired taste for some and we definitely need to warm her up to spending some time with him. I do miss the game nights we used to have and overall I just miss my best friend, but he understands what is happening and he has Alex again. He knows what it means to be in a relationship and he know what getting Sarah back to me means, that's why he is my best friend.
"I will go get dressed now and will hopefully be back around noon" She gets up and walks out of the room but I stay glued to the couch, I'll need to get into the bathroom and shower before I am going anywhere but I know Sarah will as well, the mornings of us showering together and going through our morning routine as far behind us. I turn on the tv and watch the morning news as I hear Sarah going through the motions. I don't even know how much time has passed when she comes back out to the living room, this time wearing a light blue top and black skinny jeans, her hair is still slightly damp and the smell of her shampoo fills the air.
"You look beautiful" I can't help myself, even when she is dressed casually she just radiates the room and I want to let her know that.
"Thank you" She responds as a slight blush fills out her cheeks. "I am going to be back at noon" She gives me a smile and then just like that is gone, she walks out of the door and I already miss her so much. A trip to the Buy More will help distract me and will pass the time when I wait for Sarah to come back home. I unglue myself from the couch and feel the aches traveling down my body, sleeping on the couch to avoid my problems definitely is not a solution to use in the future. I walk into the bathroom and the sweet scent of Sarah fills my nose and my heart, I know as soon as I turn on the shower the steam and water will cleanse it away. I almost force myself to turn the nozzle but as soon as I step in the warm water runs down my back and it soothes some of the aches and pains. I lean my head against the wall facing down and just close my eyes, every day seems to get both harder and easier almost and I don't seem to know what to do with it. I again don't know how much time has passed by time I get around to washing my hair, time is funny like that lately, I can't seem to keep track of it anymore. It feels like these last five years speed up on me and yet here I am losing track of it all the time now. All I can compare it to is that movie Groundhog's Day, where time becomes endless and he wakes up to relive the same day over and over again. Thinking of that reminds me it could possibly be a movie suggestion for tonight, I think of the entirety of the movie as I rinse and repeat and come to the conclusion it might not be the best one to show her, it is a lot darker than I remember but it also could make her laugh, and I love it when she laughs. By time I am stepping out of the shower and drying off I just decide to buy it anyway, I haven't thought of it in a while but after Subway purchased it from us I have come into quite a bit of money and could afford to buy it. As I get dressed and look at myself in the mirror and it seems so weird not being in my signature Nerd Herd uniform as I get ready to go to the Buy More, but I have moved on to bigger and better things finally, Sarah made that possible.
After I am all ready to go I grab my keys and wallet and look down to check my phone. It is already 9:30 and still three hours before Sarah will be back, the time also means that Ellie might be on her lunch break at work and maybe I can talk to her on my drive over to the Buy More. I walk out the front door and lock it behind me and then make my way to the car we bought, Sarah still had hers that she bought with one of her CIA checks and I dipped into some of our money to purchase my car since I no longer have the Nerd Herd provided company car, even with Morgan still being the store manager there wasn't any strings he could pull to let me keep it. As I get into my car I chuckle thinking about that old car and how much it went through, it was like an unofficial member of our team with the amount of missions that it went out with us. I buckle my seatbelt and connect my phone to the bluetooth and dial Ellie's number as I begin to drive. I anxiously await the sound of her voice as the phone rings but all I am greeted with is her automated voicemail. "This is the voicemail of Doctor Eleanor Woodcomb, please leave me a voicemail"
"Hey Ellie, it's me Chuck, I was just calling to see if we could talk about Sarah. Please don't freak out because as I am speaking I realize that sounds a bit ominous but I just have some questions about her memory and everything. I am still unemployed so really any time is good to call me back. I love you" I am sad Ellie was actually on that line but maybe her lunch break will be later and she can call me back then. From the whole drive to the Buy More I do not receive that call back but I can feel the excitement build to be seeing Morgan again. I park the car and look across the way where the Orange Orange once was, I can't tell what it is being turned into but without the CIA using it as an entry point for Castle it really was no longer needed as a frozen yogurt shop. It seems like the whole world is moving on post operation Bartowski and I always assumed that Sarah and I would be moving right along with it. I get out of the car and walk through the parking lot and up to the entrance of the Buy More, I am greeted with the cool breeze of air-conditioning and the smell of what must be the Subway footlong of the week. I look around and it seems like nothing has changed and yet everything has, no Jeff and Lester sitting around just waiting for the next distraction, no Casey stocking merchandise with the efficiency of 10 Buy More employees; but Morgan is the stability that the Buy More can count on.
"Hey buddy!" Morgan's voice bellows through the crowd of customers as he makes his way over to me. I pull him in for a tight embrace and hug him like I never had before.
"Oh Morgan I have missed you so much" I know I am talking loudly from the stares we get but I don't care. When he pulls away he reaches his hands up and grabs me by the shoulders in a gentle but very Morgan about to give me a pep talk kind of way.
"I've missed you too buddy, how is the mrs?" I was not surprised that the first thing he asked me about was Sarah, she was apart of Morgan's family as well and he cares about her, I'm sure he's missed her too.
"She is doing okay, she might have some sort of stomach bug going around and hasn't really felt good the past few days" I move away from his hands locked on my shoulders, I want so badly to tell Morgan what I suspect might be happening but I don't want to say it out loud to anyone but Ellie.
"That's what you need, you have to nurse her back to health and remind her why you fell in love in the first place" I see the excitement in his eyes when he brings up his next grand plan.
"First the true loves kiss plan and now me nursing her back to health, it seems like all your plans are coming from movies or what sounds like the plot line to a porn?" Morgan has always based his greatest ideas on some movie or some pop culture reference and some seem out there but this one is way out there.
"It may be some porn plot line but I wouldn't know, I have Alex now and no need for it, we have been having lots of sex lately" Even if he is bragging about his sex life while mine remains non existent it still feels nice to have a normal conversation with someone that doesn't make me feel like I am walking on egg shells.
"I miss sex" I can't help but let it slip out, the last time Sarah and I had sex was when we were on that bullet train, moving forward at high speeds into what I thought our future was supposed to be. I still can't bring myself to look at that drawing I made for us, our house with the white picket fence and us starting our family. I wouldn't trade having Sarah here for anything but it still isn't what I imagined our life would be like, but having her is a start to get back on track.
"I'm sorry Chuck, I'm here being insensitive and rubbing it all in your face" He pats me on the back and we begin walking side by side through the isles of the place I owed so much to.
"No it's okay Morgan, it is nice to have a conversation with someone who already knows me. Since Ellie and Awesome moved away and Casey left too I have missed just anything that doesn't revolve around Sarah's memory loss" I realize how much of a downer I must sound and I'm sure Morgan picks up on that as he changes the subject.
"Well what brings you to the Buy More?" We pass the home theater room and are getting close to the movie selection.
"Looking for some new movies, I've been doing a lot of movie nights lately with Sarah and just trying to find something new" We both stop and I look out at all the DVD options, this will definitely keep me occupied for a few hours or as long as it takes for Ellie to call me back.
"So watching movies all the time is what I have to look forward to during retirement?" Morgan is still talking to me but I can see his attention being pulled away as he looks in the direction of a new video game set up.
"I don't think I am considered retired when I am only 31. Also the Buy More Nerd Herd is not exactly a career that involves retirement, it is more of a stepping stone onto better careers like my cyber security office that hopefully will still get started up this year" I haven't really been able to talk about that out loud either, going from being a spy to opening my own business that combined those things that I loved was a dream that has also been pushed back for now.
"Well you are still independently wealthy, that's pretty impressive for someone who is 31" His attention is still not fully there as he carries on the conversation.
"Is there somewhere else you need to be buddy?" I don't say it in a mean way, I know how busy running the Buy More can be and any new game launch is going to cause the manager to keep his full attention on it.
"Yeah, I'm sorry man but we have this new game launch and being down Jeff and Lester has made everything a lot more productive but also leaves us without two bodies. I have to make sure these new hires don't screw anything up. You would think I would be more nervous about reporting to the CIA but these guys at Subway mean business. You don't become the best restaurant for delicious sandwiches without cracking some skulls" I laugh at his Breakfast club reference, so many things have changed in my life lately but Morgan will always remain the same.
"Well you get back to work, and I'll have to look out for The Breakfast Club and maybe Sarah will like it" I rack my head already for what isle of the movies it will be in. I used to know all the merchandise like the back of my hand but spy life kept me from actually doing much work while I was at my cover job.
"Everything is going to work out buddy, from Sarah to the new business. Let me know when we can finally get together for some dinner" He gives me a smile, that mixed with his Morgan words of wisdom put me in a better mood already.
"Thank you Morgan, and I'll let you know" He leaves me to browse through movies, I make sure to look at every single one but am still hyper aware of my phone in my pocket awaiting Ellie's call back. When I finally make my way up to the register I have three movies in hand, in addition to The Breakfast Club I also picked up The Goonies, and Ferris Buller's Day Off to round out an 80's movie collection that Sarah will hopefully like one of. I pay and make my way back to my car with bag in hand making sure not to take another glance at the Orange Orange, my talk with Morgan reminded me there are still good things ahead and there is no need for me to stay so focused on the past, I can still have my future with Sarah, in anyway that might look.
I park the car and head inside when I feel my phone buzzing, I see Ellie and baby Clara's face fill up my screen signifying a call. I smile at the picture I took during Clara's first Christmas, when I look at my niece she truly is the spitting image of Ellie. Before answering the call I take a look at the time that hangs above the photos heads and see that is is almost 12. Sarah could be home really soon but who knows when I'll get another chance to catch Ellie today. "Chuck, is everything okay?" There is concern in my sisters voice from the second I answer the phone.
"Yeah Ellie, everything is fine. I just had some questions I wanted to ask you about Sarah" I try and sound calm even though I can already feel the increase of my heart rate thinking about the devastating news that could stem from Ellie looking into the physical symptoms that could span from the intersect malfunction in Sarah's brain.
"Have any of her memories resurfaced? With the move and adjusting to the new sleep schedule that makes Clara get tired at 9 instead of her normal 7 bedtime and it keeps us up later we have both been so exhausted. The hospital is amazing and I know I will have all the tools available to me to find whatever I can on her type of memory loss" I listen intently to her rambling as I have just missed hearing her voice, even over the phone all it takes is the sound of her voice to make it seem like she is right beside me again. "And now I am talking your ear off about things you probably don't care about, I am just so hyped up on caffeine to find a filter"
"It's okay El" I give her a little laugh before I continue. "No specific memories have stuck, I thought something was coming back but she ended up not feeling good and that's what I wanted to bring up. She has been feeling sick a lot lately and I worry it could be physical reaction to the way the intersect messed up her memory" I feel a weigh of what I have been carrying around lift off my shoulders to share this with her finally.
"What are the physical symptoms, anything you experienced before dad made the governor for you?" If she is worried there isn't any that can be detected from her tone of voice.
"She has been throwing up some days, other days its headaches, she gets really tired. I just remember how dizzy from the headaches and I just hope this isn't what is coming next for her" Saying my fears out loud makes me want to burst into tears. Sarah hasn't seemed to be in immediate distress but I know that it could creep up on her just like it creeped up on me.
"I won't know for sure until I take some scans of her brain or look more into the information we have about the negative effects of the intersect, I can let you know when it is a good time to come out to Chicago but for now just keep an eye on her and try and log the symptoms. Without any flashes we won't really know what could cause it" Everything she is saying makes sense but doesn't seem to make me feel any better, I don't think I will feel better until we have concrete answers.
"I can do that" It is almost like talking about Sarah makes her appear, she opens the door with a bag of her own in hand and looks surprised to see me standing so close to the front door. "Speaking of Sarah she just walked in, give me a second" I tell Ellie and then press the hold button so I can properly greet my wife.
"Hi Chuck" She gives me a smile and I hope her spy instincts don't kick in and she notices I am clearly trying to hide something from her.
"Hi Sarah, how did those errands go?" I am trying to make small conversation to keep her distracted.
"Yeah, everything went fine. Who is on the phone that was asking about me?" Her spy instincts already are on a high alert, I have to play it cool.
"Oh yeah, it is Ellie. She is telling me how crazy the time change has been on all of them, especially baby Clara. She also asked about how you were doing and wanted to say hi"
"Well you will have to tell me all about what has been happening with them, I have to run to the bathroom real quick" She brushes past me and as soon as she is out of eyesight I take Ellie off hold and put the phone back up to my ear.
"She looks like she is feeling a bit better from what I saw so far, I am going to keep an eye on her tonight" Seeing how energized she looked really helped me feel a bit better about Sarah's health, maybe it passed.
"That's hopeful then, maybe it was just some random bug because your symptoms only got worse" Hearing Ellie using the world 'hopeful' helps me feel a bit better and restores some hope.
"Yeah, well thank you for helping me out El, I really have missed you" I can feel the emotions bubble up to the surface once again.
"I've missed you too. It was really hard moving away from you guys but I am happy you still have Sarah, how has that been going for you?" Part of why I have almost avoided Ellie is I didn't want to reveal to anyone how lost I feel sometimes. It makes me feel ungrateful to not be appreciative of having Sarah still here with me but I just wish it was the Sarah I remember.
"Things have been okay, it is hard some days but we watch movies and just hang around the place. It feels like we are dating all over again"
"I know it's not what you want right now but I know it will work out, she fell in love with you once and I know it will happen again. You are such a charming guy and you care about her so much" Ellie always knows what is going on without me having to say anything at all.
"I hope so, I just want my future back with her" I finally am saying those words out loud, and of course it happens as Sarah walks out of the bathroom and into the living room.
"Chuck, we need to talk" Shit. Of course she heard what I said and is probably going to tell me how freaked out she is that I'm banking our two week friendship on her jumping back into the place she came to be in five years later.
"Don't worry, you are still living in the future with her, it might not be the one you imagined but it will happen still" Ellie is still talking on the other end of the phone and brings me back to that fact. I am about to put her on hold again when Sarah begins to talk again.
"I'm pregnant" Sarah blurts out. The phone slips from my hands and falls to the floor with a crash. That is the only sound that echoes in the room and through my head for what feels like an hour. "Chuck?" Sarah's voice snaps me back and I grab my phone quickly and put it back up to me ear.
"Ellie I'm going to have to let you know" It is the only thing I manage to choke out as I stand there in complete and utter shock.