A smile is supposed to make a person feel good. It's supposed to soften their heart, or maybe even someone else's. A smile, apparently, is one of the key elements of spreading joy.
All the same, Beastboy saw it differently.
Everything he went through and was currently going through changed the whole perspective.
He saw a smile as one of the worst things in the world.
A widespread grin was deceiving.
Such a light expression could trick people into thinking the wrong things about a person.
That person, can even think the wrong things about themselves.
A mouth, curved upwards, was dangerous.
Someone may put up such an attractive facade, but on the inside feel the opposite. They could feel angry, nervous, sad, or in despair.
But no one would notice.
Why?
Because they are smiling.
Beastboy despised how automatic it came to him. It was as if he was always in autopilot mode.
On his good days he joked, on his bad days he laughed, and on his worst days, he smiled.
The art of smiling was something Beastboy always had to tussle with.
The changeling lost count of the days he had to keep acting like this.
Acting like he was okay.
Acting like nothing bothered him.
Acting happy.
It was causing him physical pain to keep this guise up. His mouth was straining from making his expressions appear more pleasant. His eyes were tired of staring through the night. His eyes were sick of crying and looking for a way out of this emotional pit. His heart was growing weary of imprisoning all of this pain.
And his mind.
The mind was exhausted of being the control center of it all.
Beastboy made dogged, heavy steps down the hallway.
Cyborg happened to be bypassing at the same time.
"Hey man, you've been sleeping in late recently. Are you alright?"
Beastboy shifted his gaze away.
Beastboy and Cyborg were best pals for a good number of years. They always remained truthful and loyal to each other, even when it was most tedious.
Now, Beastboy had it in himself to lie to his best friend.
As much as his mind told him no, there was his mouth going into autopilot again.
"I'm fine." his words were bitter.
"Nah, B, you don't look fine to me." Cyborg's eyes became firm.
"How do I look now?" Beastboy sarcastically flipped on a smile, reversed it, then stormed past his comrade.
"Yo, what's gotten into you?"
The green teen replied with his back still facing Cyborg, "What's gotten into me? What's gotten into me? Nothing's gotten into me, it's always been there."
The door swooshed shut with Beastboy on the other side.
Sitting on the U-Shaped couch, was Raven.
Her silver fingers were holding an Azarathian novel. Raven's dark hood sat neatly over her head.
Beastboy plopped himself on the other end of the couch and switched on the television. He grabbed for the control and started to play a game.
At first, Raven was disturbed by the sounds of the video game. She was getting agitated that Beastboy broke her peace. After a while, that was no longer Raven's distraction. Her focus shifted to how harshly Beastboy's fingers were hammering down on the device.
The empath lowered her book and upraised her eyebrow.
Raven's amethyst stare dropped to Beastboy's gritted teeth, stiff posture, and reddening cheeks.
Raven didn't know how to ask him, but she had the urge to. She knew Beastboy wasn't okay, but didn't know where to start.
Suddenly, Beastboy paused the video game.
He glowered at the screen while the control trembled in his grasp.
"Beastboy? What's going on?" Raven put her book aside.
Beastboy remained silent.
"Beastboy?"
Hot tears streamed down the sides of Beastboy's face.
Raven was at a loss of words.
She'd never seen Beastboy cry.
Of course she's seen his temper, his attitude, and his rage.
But tears?
Beastboy was the only person Raven has hugged out of comfort, and she was sure to do it again.
For his sake, for her sake, for their sake.
Raven curled her dark arms around her teammate. She was learning that sometimes all it took was an act of consolation.
Raven's touch made Beastboy quiver. The heat on his cheeks grew, and every ounce of him merely wanted to push her off. At times he hated affection just for the fact that it never seemed sincere from anyone.
Raven could sense what he was feeling, but still held him close.
Tears formed in Raven's eyes as well.
The overbearing amount of tension was getting to her.
She wanted Beastboy to stop shaking.
To stop crying.
To stop hurting.
Beastboy finally thawed and embraced Raven back.
He wept into the fabric of Raven's uniform.
Raven traced a calming, smooth hand over his back.
The two stayed like that for a few minutes, in each other's embrace.
Beastboy broke the hug and glanced at Raven.
He angrily wiped the tears away from his face and spoke, "I'm sorry."
"For what? You didn't do anything." Raven was still shaken up from Beastboy's sudden outburst.
"I came in here and caused a pity party, and for that, I am sorry."
"Please, Beastboy. Don't be ridiculous, it's alright."
"Not."
"Mind telling me about it?"
Beastboy hesitantly gazed over his gloves.
He didn't like opening up to anyone about this deep, dark, weak ego he carried around. Despite that, he began.
"Remember when... Adonis came? And all of that stuff happened, you got hurt, the chemicals messed me up, and the man-to-beast stuff happened?"
"Yes."
"It's still... there." Beastboy sighed.
"Of course it's still there, Beastboy. It's been what, not even five months after this happened?"
"About six. But Raven, it's still there, like I don't know how else to stress it to you. I keep thinking over and over about how I put you in the face of danger."
"Beastboy—"
"I did. I get that the Beast part of me saved you and stuff. But had anything gone wrong at any given moment, that would have been it. What if you were too weak to heal yourself back? What if you slipped into a coma and never slipped back out? Just to go back to that and think, that I hurt my friends... I hurt you, and I had no idea that level of animosity could be inside of me." he felt tears surface in his eyes again.
"Beastboy, that thing, it's a part of you. As dark, scary, and painful as it is... it's attached to you. I, am personally grateful that it's there. Not only because it saved my life, but it makes my life easier."
"What do you mean?"
"Seeing you cry, just now. You're always smiling and joking around. To see that part of you wear away, helped me. We both hide our pains in different ways. And for you to show me your pain, express it to me, and tell me about it... I never knew I needed that. Sometimes it's nice to know that there's someone out there fighting the same battle as you."
"You got it, dude."
"If emotions aren't the hardest things to handle, I don't know what is. That happens to me too, you know. I keep all of this stuff inside, then it just blows up out of nowhere. It's like opening a soda can. My straight face is my mask. There are times that mask gets so over-worn it's nearly impossible to take off."
"That's like with Cyborg a while ago. Dude, I lied to him. I told him I was fine, even when I wasn't. I have never lied to Cy before. Except when I told him I didn't steal his remote," the two exchanged a laugh.
"But yeah. I lied to him because after this whole thing I got so used to acting like it was all fine. When in reality, it's nothing close to it." Beastboy shook his head.
Raven put her hand tenderly over Beastboy's glove.
"It doesn't have to be. Feel how you need to and release your emotions. That is the only way you will find healing and improve. And as always, I'm here for you."
A dim smile painted over Raven's face.
Beastboy smiled back.
This time, without regretting it.