~~Hospital Waiting Room~~
My world felt like it was caving in around me. I've been rocking back and forth on a chair in the waiting room since we got here. They still haven't let us see Ryan and he's apparently still in surgery. Running my hands through my hair, I continue to rock furiously, attempting to talk myself down from the outburst I can feel rising. It wasn't anyone's fault. No one can stop Ryan when he's in a rage. Except, when I think about those words, I know that's a lie. The one person who could have stopped him. That would have calmed him. It would have been me. I could have stopped all of this.
He wanted to leave and I left him down there all for what? My pride? Because I wanted to sulk instead of snatching him away from a girl I know he doesn't give a fuck about?
The strong stench of metal fills my nose and I bring my hands down to my face. Red streaks of blood crust over the palms of my hands, trapped between my fingers. My hands shake as I furiously take in every single droplet of blood. Ryan's Blood.
I fly to my feet and tear off the hoodie and then I look down at the t-shirt I have on underneath only seeing that his stained blood smeared over that too. His life was right there. On me. Stained. What if this is all I have left of him?
"Faith, sweetheart..." I heard my mom's voice as she came closer, putting her hand on my arm. My first instinct is to scream, to cry, to push her away or punch a wall. But then, I turned and I see her face. She looks as distraught as I feel. She loves him too. So she wants what I want for him.
I find myself reaching for her. She grabs me at the same time and we cling to each other. It feels good to be held but I can't deny that I would much rather be in Ryan's arms right now. He's the one who always gives me comfort. He's the one who's always there when I need him the most. Except this time when he's the one who needs me. It's my turn to be strong, but what if I can't be strong enough without him? What if the doctor walks out in a moment and tells us he hasn't made it?
Mom starts stroking my back and it feels great but it also make me want to break down in tears and cry. "It's going to be okay, honey... He's going to be okay..." Mom said.
"How do you know that? You don't know that!" I practically shout.
"This is Ryan... He's strong... He'll fight to live..." Mom said trying to reassure me.
I nod, hoping against hope that she's right. I just can't fathom a world without Ryan in it. Tears start to fall down my cheeks but I wipe them away and let go of mom.
"Kitten..." I hear Owen's voice. My guilt is unbearable.
"I should have gone... I should have listened to him and came back to the boat..." Just as the words leave my lips, Austin is beside me protectively. Officers scramble into the room and I watch through blurred vision as Dad stands and addresses them though we don't ever have to worry.
Kevin Carter has the entire fucking force in his back pocket. The day I realized this, was the day I saw Ryan's bad side. I never wanted to see it again, because I was afraid. Afraid that something like this would happen again.
"He's going to be okay, Kit... This is Ryan... He doesn't go down like that..." Owen said trying his best at comforting me. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me to his chest for a brief hug before letting go.
My eyes squeeze shut as I replay everything from tonight. From the party, to my sleeping, to Owen coming to wake me.
'God Damn it!' I screamed internally. Why didn't I think that was weird? Usually it would have been Ryan coming to get me. Why didn't I see the urgency with Owen or the worry lines with Austin.
I fly off my chair again. "Why the fuck did no one tell me he was hurt on the boat?!" I shouted my arm flying out to the side.
The officers stop talking with Dad as Mom looked around nervously at the passing nurses. Always afraid of what people are thinking. I point to a guilty looking Owen and Austin.
"You both could have told me!" I shouted at them tears filling my eyes but not yet falling.
"What good would that have done?" Owen asked as he stood up pushing his hand into his pocket. "He didn't want you to know because he knew it would set you off... There was nothing we could do until we were back on land... He just..." Owen pauses, his eyes boring through me. "He just wanted you..." Owen finally said.
I crossed my arms in front of myself defensively. Pain anchors my heart and refuses to let go. "He will always have me... Forever... Reg..." My voice breaks and my knees buckle. "Oh My God! What if I lose him?" I cried. The mere thought of ever losing Ryan was enough to make me hurt physically. I couldn't and wouldn't survive the absence that he would leave.
Owen and Austin both drop to the ground on either side of me, their arms around my neck. "Hey, hey, hey... He's going to be alright... You know there's no way that that stubborn fucker will let you walk this earth without being able to protect you..." Owen said into my hair.
My lips quiver and my heart throbs from the new scar that's inflicted on it, initials RC. I grip Owen's shirt wishing he could make the pain go away.
"Mr. and Mrs. Carter?" I heard a new voice say. I looked up and saw a doctor dressed in scrubs enter and I once again fly to my feet.
"Yes?" My mom said but I push everyone out of my way and make it to the front. Mom nods. "His sister... Please go on..." Mom said trying to sound clam and collective.
Dad is beside me, an arm around my shoulder with mom on the other side. My other 2 brothers behind us.
'This is it!" I practically scream internally. My pulse quickens, blood crashing through my ears. This could be the end of the life as I know it.
"He's going to be okay... He's actually awake now and is asking for... Kitten?" The doctor said confused. The relief that floods through me is heavy enough to cement my feet to the ground. I clasp my hands together and give myself a few minutes for a breath before following the doctor down to Ryan's room while everyone else waits in the waiting room.
~~Ryan's Hospital Room~~
Seeing his name, Ryan Carter, inscribed into the little clipboard in front of his room burns a new fire through my veins. I want to get him out of here. The doctor opens the door and gestures inside.
"He may not make a lot of sense because he's still coming to... Try not to take anything he may say to heart... It's probably the cocktail of drugs that he's on..." The doctor said before walking away.
Curling my lips behind my teeth, my shoulders slump in defeat as I push through the door to enter his room. The sharp beeping the pungent smell of bleach.
"Rye..." I whisper and he turns his head, his arm stretched out wide. He doesn't look bad. His face is the same. He looks normal, if not for the wires connecting him to a machine.
"Get in here... Now..." Ryan orders.
'He's still bossy...' I sighed in relief internally. A small comfort I know. I can't stop the tears that spill over my cheeks as I rush forward.
"Stop crying Kitten..." Ryan growls wiggling up the bed. I swipe my tears away angrily, scowling at him.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me that you were hurt!" I cried out as he reaches for my hand. I think about standing my ground, just to show him how angry I am at him, but I know I can't hold out for long. I need to touch him as much as he needs to touch me. I reach for him and take his hand. I hold it up to my chest and kiss it. The gesture would probably look extremely romantic to anyone watching, but in this instant, I don't care about how it looks. I just want to be here for Rye.
"Why the hell are you still standing? Get in bed with me..." He demanded.
I frown at him, wondering if he meant that to sound salacious or not. He gives me a small smile and I decided I don't care. He moves a little and I get onto the bed next to him. He tried to put his arm around me but the wires make it difficult and I get him to stop. Instead, I link my arm with his and rest my head against his shoulder. He kisses my forehead and I sigh deeply. I'm so incredibly relieved that he's safe.
"I thought my world was ending..." I whispered hugging him tighter.
"Because of me?" Ryan asked.
"Don't be coy... You know it's because of you... You know you mean the world to me..." I said with a few sniffles.
I can't see his face, but I can sense the smile on his face. He strokes my arm tenderly and I know how much my words mean to him.
"You need a shower..." He said. You can hear the amusement in his voice.
"Shut up... Jerk..." I mumbled against his body, tears drenching the sheets. "Don't ever do that again..." I mumbled nuzzling my face into his side.
I heard him chuckle slightly. He sounded drowsy, he must be drifting off. "Kitten?" I don't answer, squeezing the white sheets in the palm of my hand. "I love you, you know that right?" He says his tone still says he's drowsy.
"I love you too..." I say softly and before I can form any other words, sleep takes a hold of my muscles and my eyes turn heavy.
~~Next Morning~~
"Are you kidding me? Look how cute they are!" I hear Jenn's voice in the background as I start to come to wiping the sleep from my eyes.
Once everyone is in focus, I take in how many people are actually in Ryan's room. Mom, Dad, and Jenn, along with Owen, Austin, Stacy, I tighten my hold on Ryan's arm as I glared at her, then you have Owen's dad and Austin's mom, who is the district attorney for the Bay area. If I was being honest, I wanted to scream for Stacy to leave that she wasn't welcomed here. I didn't want any one other then me near him.
"Why is everyone here?" I asked faking a smile. I'm unable to break my glare from Stacy though for long. Since the events I found that I don't want any other female near him. Unreasonable yes, impossible? Over my dead body.
"Girl, please let me take you home for a shower..." Jenn said as she reached for me before I can protest but I don't move away from Ryan. I can't bare the thought of being away from him. Not right now, not ever.
That probably makes me sound crazy and maybe I'm some what dependent on him, but is it a bad thing? Ryan and I have always been a package deal. Before I can say no, I catch dad observing Ryan and I closely with a slight frown and tight lips. His narrowed eyes swing between Ryan and I ominously.
I never had a relationship with Dad, mainly only mom, but that was no comparison for what he shared with Ryan. They have a solid relationship filled with banter and love. Something close to fear scratches it's ugly nails down the spine of my back as he assesses me and the situation that I'm in. Has he always stared at me in this way? Or am I only just noticing now because my senses are on high alert? Or is this new, since what happened last night? I still haven't found out what actually happened and how much Marco came to stabbing Ryan.
An idea pops in my head, forgotten there by my raging anger that someone wanted, no, tired, to kill my fucking brother last night. I slip off the bed with new determination, grabbing Jenn's hand and forgetting all about the way Dad was staring at me.
"You're right... We should go..." I said as everyone stops their chatting and I know what they're doing, they're all waiting for my mental snapping point.
"Kitten..." Owen warns. "You okay?" Owen asked his eyes narrowed on me, watching me closely.
Only Ryan, Owen and Austin call me Kitten. No one else. One time I was 10 years old and Max Porter tried to call me Kitten during PE. I punched him in the nose. That was the first and only time I ended up in the principal's office but not the first time I broke someone's nose. My brother's always protected me. It's time for me to do the same.
"I'm fine... I need a shower... I'll be right back..." I said as me and Jenn began making our way to the door, but just as I reach for it, I turn my head over my shoulder one last time, my eyes resting on Ryan. He's fast asleep, his lips parted. He looks so peaceful. Someone tried to hurt him. Bad. And now, as stupid as it might sound, I want vengeance and I know where to go first.
~~My Home~~
The first thing that I realistically should have mentioned was that my lack of popularity and friends isn't because I don't attract them or that no one wants to be friends with me because history would show that that's not the case. It's that my brother usually scares everyone off, which admittedly, is why I have the balls to do what I'm about to do.
After taking a shower, Jenn and I make our way down to the kitchen. I open up one of the cabinets, keys upon keys staring straight at me. I don't have my permit yet, but I know how to drive. I should choose one of the low-key cars. The ones that won't stick out. So I won't choose Dad's Porsche or Mom's Tesla. There's no point taking the Range Rover or Ryan's Ford. My fingers flex over the keys to Ryan's black 1969 Camaro.
I smirk swiping them off the hook. "Um... Are you sure that's a good idea?" Jenn asked her eyes swing between me and the keys in my hand.
I flick them into the palm of my hand and nod. "What do you think?" I asked as she shakes her head.
"Lead the way..." Jenn said as she followed me into the garage and I slide into the driver's seat of Ryan's immaculate old-school ride.
The leather upholstery is new, the dash polished with the sweet scented oil. It smells of freshly stitched leather, a hint of Ryan's cologne and a breath of cigarette smoke. My chest contracts with his smell as I close my eyes and dig the keys into the ignition, twisting it over until the deep rumble of the V8 vibrate beneath me butt.
"Listen... I'm all for this..." Jenn gestures up and down my body. "But I can't lie... I'm also very scared, considering you're fucking with Ryan Carter and I get it... You're his little brat who can do no wrong but I gotta say..." Jenn whistles lowly, but before another word can come out of her mouth, I slam it into 1st gear and press my foot down, flooring it out of the garage with a roar of smoke and a scream of tires. "OH MY GOD!" Jenn yelps grasping at the door handle.
Her laughter is infectious as we fly onto the main road, my hair whipping me across my face with the windows down. "I have to video this..." Jenn said grabbing her phone.
"Really? Is that really necessary?" I asked giving her a little side glance, but she just laughs as though she's having the time of her life, which upon reflection she probably is.
"Of course it's fucking necessary! Look at you! You're so fucking cool right now! Ryan would so proud, not to mention Owen and Austin!" Jenn said as she records me driving and kicking it into 2nd gear.
I'm not sure if they'll be impressed or if they'll take the opposite track and yell at me for being reckless. It could honestly go either way. Whatever, I'm not about to think about that now.
"So... Where are we going?" Jenn asked still recording.
"To Kyle's house..." I said.
Jenn stills, he hand pausing over her phone. "Why?" She asked.
I tuck my hair behind my ear and make my way towards Kyle's house. "Because I know that he was there last night and I also know that he's going to tell me everything that went on..." I explained.
Jenn nods. "Seems legit..." She said with a shrug of her shoulders.
We continue the short drive to Kyle's house, it's almost dark when we finally pull up to his gated community. The security passes us through as I roll Ryan's Chevy up to the circular driveway. I slam the car door closed and make my way up the steps leading to his house. Just as I come to the door, it swings open and Kyle stands on the other side, his innocent hair ruffled and his eyes dipped in sadness.
"What happened?!" I asked. Kyle and I are a long story. We've shared stolen kisses since we were young, but it was all innocent. Jenn has been saying that he's in love with me for years, but I don't buy it.
Kyle runs his pale hands through his hair flexing his muscles. "Listen... I think you should ask Ryan..." Kyle said.
"I'm asking you..." I said trying for the gentler approach, seeing as he's clearly upset.
Kyle takes a seat on the step, his mouth covered by his hand while his eyes come to mine. "Marco said something about you, Ryan flew off the like Ryan does and this time instead of Marco retracting his bullshit comments, he tried to fight Ryan... Shirts came off, Ryan was on fire ready to pound on some flesh and enjoy it, which he did... He beat Marco pretty bad, but he went to walk away and that's when Marco said..." Kyle pauses and anger flashed over his eyes, his teeth clenched.
"He said what Kyle?" I asked my patience is running thin. I can feel my frustration wavering and my muscles tighten.
Kyle let out a heavy sigh, "He said that as soon as Ryan is away, he's going to put his dick so deep inside you that you will never want Ryan again..." Kyle said he eyes on the floor.
I still, my mouth agape. "And?" I asked.
"And what? That's what he said, so Ryan lost it... Ryan's hand went to his throat, he was straight up choking him out... He lifted Marco off the ground with one hand, Faith... One fucking hand... Our linebacker... With one hand!" Kyle exclaimed still in disbelief.
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you one hand... Then what happened?" I asked my foot tapping furiously, because I'm not one bit convinced that what Marco said warranted Ryan almost losing his life. In fact, I'm even more angry then I was before I got here. There better be something else.
"There's nothing else... He choked him until Marco went purple and then Marco pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the stomach... We all scattered after that... " Kyle explained.
I sank backwards, dropping down onto the steps with my face buried in my hand. "Why is he like this?" I asked.
"Why?" Kyle gasps with wide eyes, seemingly stunned by my question. As if I should know why or that the answer is obvious. "Aside from the fact that he's your brother, are you blind?" Kyle asked causing me to shake my head, wiping the tears off my cheeks.
"What do you mean, 'am I blind'? He could have died... And for what?" I asked turning to face Kyle. My lips trembled as I wipe my runny nose on my hoodie sleeve. "To protect my virtue?" I asked as Jenn pats my hair.
"I know you don't want to hear this right now, but those boys, especially Ryan, put you on a pedestal so high that no one and nothing can touch you..." Jenn said.
A sharp ringing sound sting my ear drums as the realization of her words touch me. I should start pulling away from Ryan, to save him from making this same mistake again. He's not smart when it comes to me. He's irrational, impetuous and borderline psychotic, but even as I think those, I know that I can't give him what he needs. That may be selfish of me but I just can't. Now right now.
Kyle's arm hooks around my neck pulling me in closer, "I heard that Macro is in the slammer, his old man is refusing to bail him out..." Kyle said into my hair.
"He was always a good man..." I sob. Marco's father is the coach of out football team. He's the good kind. Not sure what happened to Marco. I stand from the steps and make my way back to Ryan's car. "Thanks Kyle..." I called out, opening the door. I had plans to go see Marco, but with him in a jail cell, I think I'll sleep easy tonight.
"Any time... Hey, Faith?" Kyle calls over leaning against the porch railing. "I know this is shit timing, but it's my birthday in 2 Saturdays, not sure if you remember..." Kyle began.
I offer him a small smile. "I do..." I said as I watched his eyes widen in shock momentarily. I instantly want to smack myself for giving him any kind of hope. I have to be careful when it comes to boys. If I move forward with someone, it has to be worth being on the receiving end of Ryan's wrath. Kyle just isn't.
He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'm having a party, we're all hitting the slopes... Think you'll be keen? Of course, with your entourage..." He said with a smile.
I squeeze the door handle. 'Not a chance...' I said internally. "Sure, I'll think about it and see how Ryan's feeling..." I said sending him a small smile.
"Of course... See ya, Jenn!" Kyle said with a wave as we both slip back inside the car.
Once we're back on the road Jenn decides to break the silence. "God, he's so nice... Why can't all guys be like Kyle?" Jenn asked relaxing into her seat.
I raised my eyebrows at her, "You like Kyle, don't you?" I asked as she rolls her eyes and laughs.
I know that Kyle's not her type. She's into tall, hot, bad boys, but it's fun to tease her anyway. "Please! You know I'd chew him up and spit him out... Now, if he looked like Chris Hemsworth, now that's a different story..." Jenn said with a laugh.
"Oh come on... Maybe you could transform him into Chris Hemsworth... It might not take that much..." I teased shifting it into the next gear.
"Yeah right! Jut a personal trainer, a couple hours in the gym everyday and a plastic surgeon... He still wouldn't be as good as the real thing..." Jenn said dismissively.
"I bet he's great in bed though..." I said causing both of us to burst into laughter and it feels really, really good. My stomach has been in knots since the moment Ryan fainted.
Finally, they're loosening up a little. There's still a lot to worry about, but for now, I feel lighter. Rye is conscious and going to make a full recovery. That's all that matters. Nevertheless, in the back of my mind, there's a little kernel of worry that keeps nagging at me. I can't help but think that if I felt for Kyle even one quarter of how I feel for Rye, things might have been so much easier, for everyone.
~~11 Days Later – Carter Home~~
"Ryan... You can't be out here... You have to be in the house..." I lightly scolded him as my palm works furiously over my body, rubbing the slick oil over my skin.
"She's right, you stubborn fuck..." Austin said from somewhere beside me.
"It's been 11 days, Fuck off..." Ryan said. He and I still haven't spoken much about what happened at the party. Not about what happened just before, when he wanted me to go back on the boat with him and not about what happened after. It has been tough, because I for one have noticed the shift in Ryan. He's become a little more on edge. Not just with me, but with everyone.
"You know Kyle's party is something you should take him up on, Faith!" Jenn said randomly.
"What?!" Austin snaps before Ryan can even get a word in.
Jenn must have just realized what she had said because her fingers flex and her lips curl between her teeth. "Oh... Um..." Jenn stammered. Or she may have did it on purpose.
I roll my eyes, just as my phone dings beside my water bottle. I pick it up, opening the message from Jade.
"Hey girl, I hope your brother is holding up okay." ~Jade
"He's back to being his normal asshole-ish self..." ~Faith.
I text her back and set my phone back down on the ground. When my eyes meet Ryan's, he's glaring at me with cold, distant ones and raised eyebrows. "What did I do now? That was Jade..." I said already knowing I'm in trouble.
Ryan flips me off. "Not what I'm talking about and you fucking know it..." Ryan said.
I glare at him. "I have no intention of going..." I said.
"Going where?" Owen asked bouncing a basketball between his lanky legs,
"I just saw Kyle and told him we'd load up and head to his birthday party..." I said causing everyone to laugh except Ryan. Just as he's about to interrupt our laughing, Dad comes out the sliding doors, whistling.
"Rye, a word?" Dad asked. At his presence, I fold my arms in front of myself. I'm instantly uncomfortable and I don't know why.
Ryan sighs and stands from his chair making his way into the house. I watch his retreating back with a pang of sadness in my chest. My frown is sharp.
"Hey..." Owen takes a seat at the end of my lounger. "What's with the frown?" Owen asked.
I grab the leather basketball off him and practice spinning it on the tip of my index finger. "It's Ryan..." I glance towards the door to make sure he's not coming, before focusing back on Owens hazel gaze. "He's a bit off since the incident and I don't know if it's a me thing or a him thing..." I try to explain. Austin's eyes go to Owen and I watch the silent exchange unfold in front of me. "What was that?" I asked narrowing my eyes on both of them.
They both turn to me. I watch as their expressions turn cautious. There's something going on that no one's telling me about and it's starting to drive me crazy. "You have an over-active imagination kid..." Owen said.
"Firstly, I'm not a kid! Secondly, I can sense that there's something going on that no one's willing to share with me..." I have to fight screaming at them because they are getting me pissed off with all these damn secrets.
"Kit... It's all in your head okay? You're just worried about Ryan, understandably so... Just give him time... It'll all be okay..." Austin said patting my head.
"Exactly... We're all here and we're going to make sure he's okay... We're going to make sure you're okay too... Don't worry so much you'll give yourself premature frown lines..." Owen teases.
"Yeah but..." I began to say before Jenn interrupts me.
"Girl, stop... The man just got shanked, he's moody by nature at times... Let him heal... And anyway, it doesn't help that you're growing into this total fucking 10 and he has to fight all of these assholes off at school..." Jenn said with a slight teasing tone near the end.
"He doesn't even go to our school anymore..." I interfere, referring to all 3 of them graduating a few months ago. I only have a couple more months left with Owen and Austin before they begin their lives without little old me. "Will you guys even miss me when you leave?" I asked looking down with a frown.
Austin is attending Brown and Owen is flying to LA to play for their team.
"Please..." Owen brushes me away. Austin continues to glare at me.
"I literally could not forget you if I tired Kitten... I mean that from the bottom of my heart..." Austin says the words with a passive look over his face, stoic and emotionless.
"Well, that's very reassuring considering you don't have one..." I said glaring at him.
Austin taps his temple. "Ah, she's catching on..." Austin says.
"Only took me almost 10 years..." I grumble, relaxing into my chair.
"For real, I think Ryan is just healing... Jenn is right... For once..." Owen said standing from his seat as he removes his shirt tossing it over his chair. His skin glistens against the sun, while his high cheekbones sit above his soft lips that curve around his straight, white teeth. Owen is beautiful. Insanely attractive. The kind of male that almost everyone stops to stare at. He runs the palm of his hand over his tight abs. "I'll have a chat with him..." Owen said.
Austin raises a thick eyebrow. "Really?" He asked.
I watch the exchange between the 2 of them and for the first time ever I feel like I'm missing something or that someone isn't telling me something.
"Why the secrets?" I asked just as Owen dives into the pool and Austin packs way his laptop.
"We don't keep secrets, remember?" Austin announces clearly, while carefully placing his entire life into it's satchel.
I wait for Ryan. But he never returns.
~~Later That Night - Faith's Room~~
I'm in my room listening to music on my speaker. I still haven't seen Ryan since he disappeared earlier today when we were near the pool. One minute he was with us and the next Dad's taking him away. Something has shifted in the house and I'm still not sure how or why. After hanging with me for a few more minutes, the boys also drifted into the house. I figured they were going to have a chat with Ryan. I don't want to text them or go knock on Ryan's door. I don't want to be annoying even though they annoy me.
Flipping over to my side, I tuck my hands under my face. Tomorrow better be better, today sucked.
~~Ryan's Perspective~~
She can't know. Leaving her is going to cripple me, but I have no choice. Not now. Not ever. And not when it comes to her. She's been my entire world since the day she came into my home. I'd do anything for her. Even this. Leave her for good.
~~Faith's Perceptive~~
I wake the next morning with stiff limbs, stretching my arms above my head. I'm hoping Ryan has calmed down from whatever he was upset about. I want to tell him that we don't have to go to Kyle's birthday, it was just an invite. I always feel the need to talk him down. But that's only because he has somewhat become my responsibility, as much as I have become his. We both take care of each other, we always have.
Jogging down the stairs and making my way into the sitting room I catch both Mom and Dad standing in front of the fireplace, in a hushed conversation. Their chatter instantly cuts out as soon as I enter.
"Morning!" I said nervously, glancing between the 2 of them. Once again, that same niggling feeling is there. Something doesn't feel right.
Mom turns to face me. "Honey... I don't want you to..." Her voice catches in her throat, a tear slips down her check. She breathes in and then out. "The police will be here in a second and I would like you not to stress out..." She said trying her damnedest not to break down.
"That's kind of hard to do when you're standing there quite clearly stressing out Mom..." My heart rate quickens, my palms slick with sweat as I cross my arms in front of myself.
Mom is always composed, trapped in a society where she thinks perfection is the only way to exist. This isn't perfection, this is fragility. You're handing humanity a weapon to use against you if all you expect is perfection. He bottom lip catches between her teeth as she tucks her blonde hair behind her ear. I watch as she fidgets with her rings, her bracelet, before going back to her hair.
"It's Ryan... We woke this morning and he's gone... His room is tipped upside down..." He voice once again catches in her throat and she moves to the other side of the room to gather a handful of tissues. Pressing them to her nose, she blows loudly.
Then, there's a knock on the door. Dad moves between my mom and me, his eyes remaining on mine. That same chill slides down my spine. When he prances past me, he moves in slow motion. His chest is out in confidence, a slight close lipped smile. I get that he's trying to reassure me, but nothing is going to help. Mom takes my hand in hers, but everything is moving slow. Caught in the confusion of it all, I tug on the palm of her hand.
"Tell me what's going on?" I all but demanded.
"It's Ryan..." She mumbles, swiping the stray tears with her tissues. "He's gone, sweetheart..." She said as she sniffled.
~~4 Years Later – Local Cafe~~
"Like family to me."
Has to be the most overused term in history. Family 6 letters, one meaning but double sided. Family could be the reason why you trust someone or it can be the reason why you'd never trust anyone again.
I already know what side I'm on.
If you struggle to sleep at night, someone is thinking of you. Like an anchor, tugging on your soul to keep it in this world, as opposed to losing yourself in purgatory. Isn't that what a dream state is? Purgatory for your head and the messed up shit that happens inside of it? The place your demons meet with your sanity and they fight about who will win. Will it be your nightmares or the actuality of peace? I like to think of my life as purgatory, where every day I struggle with both sides.
The good, the bad, and the demons I can't get rid of. Unfortunately. I would say that I've been healing in purgatory for the past 4 years, but I haven't. My soul is trapped in Hell, unwilling to move on. I've blocked people out, shut down, and turned to things I shouldn't to pacify the raw hunger I feel for the one person I should have never lost.
Jenn drops down on the chair across me at out favorite coffee shop in the heart of San Francisco, right near the the market. I can't wait to finally be out of here. To escape this endless cycle of my personal nightmare.
"Are we going out this weekend? You know, one last hurrah in the bay area before we have plenty more hurrahs at college together this time?" Jenn says, hiding her face behind a curtain of newly dyed red hair.
Her logic doesn't make sense since we already spend a lot of time partying anything she is home.
"You party every time you're home... And yes, I need a distraction this weekend..." I say looking over the menu in front of me.
It's Friday night, but that's not the reason why I need a distraction. It's the date that this Friday is.
"I'm sorry... How long has it been now?" Jenn asked.
The waiter comes to our table. "4 years..." I mumbled before distracting myself with coffee. "Can I get a caramel latte, please?" I gave the waiter my order without looking up at him. Jenn orders her before looking back to me.
"Shall we change the subject?" Jenn asked.
I want to change the subject but I want to talk about him too. But I don't want to break down over talking about him. So I nod telling her to please change the subject before the tears I'm holding back come falling out of my eyes.
"Yes... About this weekend..." I said. I never like talking about him. In fact, I've gone 4 long fucking years without so much as whispering his name. I'm angry. Hurt. But mostly angry.
Jenn starts yapping off about what she wants us to do and how we should go about it. I'm not surprised to hear that Kyle is home and throwing a party at his parents beach house. Not much has change where Kyle is concerned. Still with the same girl, attending UCLA with Jenn and still biggest party thrower in the bay area. We continue through our plans as I sip on my lattes, a bowl of chili fries and a piece of chocolate cake.
When it's time for both of us to head home, I kiss her goodbye and make my way out to my car.
Distraction is the key that cracks open a broken soul. I turn up the music in my BMW all the way home.
Home.
The large white pillars hold the old school plantation style mansion up delicately, so uncommon to the standard architectures of San Fran. The manicured grass springs to life. And the scatter of the vibrant flowers give the otherwise plain style multi-million dollar property a version of life.
Everything is exactly the same, without it being exactly the same. I have looked at this house with new eyes since he left.
Sighing, I reach for my handbag and crawl out of my car. I can't wait to not be here.
"Faith? Is that you?" Mom asked as I slam the front door closed. I was hoping to slip in discreetly, but I'm shit out of luck. Like usual. I drop my bags near the front door. Mom has changed a little over the past 4 years, becoming more maternal. I think she regrets a lot of what happened with him., and now she's trying to make up for it with me. It's fucking exhausting.
When I amble into the kitchen, I catch her with a wooden spoon clutched in her hand stirring cake batter in a couple of larger bowls. Her brown hair is cut razor sharp now, hanging casually around her jawline. I know that I'm lucky to have had been welcomed into a family that actually fed me, bathed me, and paid for anything and everything that I could want. They had money. They offered me a warm home and food in my hungry belly. I counted myself lucky. I was well aware of how some foster children had it. But should we really compare our lives to the unfortunate occurrences of others. I think not.
"Will you be home for dinner tonight?" Mom asked.
"Um... I'm not sure..." I answer.
"Please have dinner at home tonight sweetheart..." Mom practically begs.
"Okay? But why?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
My mom's eyes are bright, her cheeks flushed. Somethings not right. The sadness that has always clouded her is no longer there. Her movements aren't sluggish, there's a bounce in her step. It's almost as though...
"Ryan is home!" Mom says.
I freeze, my hands stilling over my water bottle. It feels as all of my blood leaves my body as my mouth hangs open.
'She didn't just say what I thought she did, did she? No Faith. Your brain is in purgatory again...' My heart races so fast I can't suck in any oxygen. I'm going to stop breathing. I swallow long gulps of water to stop my panic from illustrating over my face.
'No. No. No.' I repeated internally.
"It's his birthday, Faith. I thought you would remember. He's your brother... Yes, he's coming home... I'm just..." Tears fall down mom's cheeks. "So happy, Faith... I thought he had left us for good..." She said happily while she cried.
So did I. My brother who left me.
'He fucking left me...Abandoned me just like everyone else... He was no better than any of them...' I focused on calming my breathing as I squashed the memories that begin to rise to the surface of my brain. The melancholy that was his name left on my heart is too much for my brittle soul to handle right now.
I've put on a front over the years, a very fucking good one, and I do a lot of things to distract myself from acknowledging my feelings. But nothing and I mean nothing comes close to the touch of Ryan Fucking Carter. Even when he's not here physically, he's still inside of me. Living. Existing. Betraying.
"I haven't seen him in so long..." That's all I managed to say, unable to process what's happening right now. 'He fucking left me!' I screamed internally.
Mom nods her head eagerly, busying herself back to stirring. Vanilla, no doubt. Ryan's favorite.
"I know it's been years, so we want to welcome him home with open arms... God, Faith!" She turns to face me, tears filling her eyes. "I'm so happy that he's coming home!" She's practically giddy
I want to be happy too, if he wasn't such a piece of shit for leaving. She turns to me, her face bright and hopeful, and she looks at me expectantly. I know she wants to see my enthusiasm too, but it's really fucking hard.
I was just a baby when I was brought into the Cater family. They took me in as their own, and even Ryan pulled me in and treated me like I was his real life sibling. He was my everything and being 3 years older then me, I looked up to him. He took care of me every single day that I was in this house. All my life I watched as every boy worshiped him and every girl wanted him. I didn't do either of those things, but my soul needed him. Until he left me. Alone. In this house. I hate him.
"Yeah... I'm happy too, Mom... It's gonna be good to see him again..." I know I'm not very convincing but mom's so happy to be seeing her son again that she doesn't seem to notice how robotic my words are.
I leave her in the kitchen and drag my sad mood back upstairs wishing I could fast forward this day. Or rewind back to when I born and just not be born.
~~My Room~~
I'm going to see Ryan tonight. I don't want to see Ryan tonight. I wanted him for so long, cried for him every night until tears stung the corners of my eyes and my lips cracked from dehydration. Now that I know he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm angry at him. It's like those years did nothing to ease my anger. Time only bathed it, kept it under control.
I sigh, pulling out my phone and flicking through my playlist. I hit an old school Guns N' Roses song and slip into my bathroom, needing to scrub the day off my skin.
Black. It's my favorite color. Not because it's slimming, I don't need to look slim. But because it's the color you wear when you don't need to put in any effort at all. Like right now. I don't want to put in any effort even though Mom will no doubt be wearing Prada.
Not me. I'm sticking to something simple hoping to hide what I don't want to be seen. I find one of Owen's old hoodies that I still had and that was still big as hell on me. A pair of boot cut dark blue jeans and my flip flops. I leave my hair down.
The Prodigal Son Returns.
I always wear makeup. I love everything about makeup and how you can artfully apply it to pull off a different look. But tonight, I settle for CC Cream and light mascara. I just want this over with.
My phone starts vibrating on my bedside table. It's Jenn. I pick it up to answer it.
"What's up?" I asked taking a seat on my bed.
"Okay, so I need to ask you a question..." Jenn purrs down the line. She's already drunk.
"Sure?" I hesitate to say at first.
"Kyle and Sam broke up... Would it be shit of me if I hit that? Even though she's not my friend?" She asked. She's definitely drunk. "I know you and Kyle had that awkward thing too..." Jenn continues on in her drunken state.
Kyle and I were nothing, but I also know that Jenn has been pining after him since Ryan left,
"Nothing that you're thinking off and we were kids, Jenn... To answer your question, do what you want, as long as you're sure they're not together..." I said to Jenn. About to enter her freshman year of college and she's still asking about Kyle. "If you want him he's yours..." I said.
I hear Jenn sigh, "Okay I guess... It's just we all know he has always had a thing for you..." I roll my eyes at her words, cradling my phone on my shoulder. "Wanna go get loaded fries?" She asked.
Oh how I want to leave here and never see his face again. "Um... I sort of can't..." I said as I caught my reflection in the mirror, realization once again washing over me.
"Why?" Jenn asked.
I hear a deep growl of a loud engine pull down our driveway. 'Is that a fucking motorbike?' I internally questioned. "We'll talk later..."I said hanging up the phone.
The rumble is low, reverberating around my room like a soft pounding symphony. It's heavy enough to squash you.
"Faith!" My mom yells out from the kitchen. "Downstairs!" I hear her yell again.
I sighed, pushing my phone into my back pocket and make my way downstairs. I can see a gathering around the front door as I come down, but I don't look up until the last minute.
"Sorry I'm..." I pause as I looked up. There standing in front of me, is Ryan Carter. My stomach hits the floor and my cheek flare to life. I can feel my blood drain all the way to the tips of my toes when our eyes connect. My heart slows in my chest. The hate is still there, the anger and pain, but now's there's something else happening. Something I'm not ready to acknowledge yet.
His ice-blue eyes. Colder then the Atlantic Ocean, but hotter than the pits of hell. His dark, unruly hair looks like his hands have brushed through it one too many times and his big, lean body towers over everyone in the room, including the room itself. He has tattoos all over what skin I can see. Ryan Carter doesn't just look like a bad boy. Ryan Carter looks like a bad man. He's not the spoiled rich boy, playing every girl at school. He's different. His sharp jaw is clean shaven, illustrating every cut line of his perfectly constructed face. His straight nose and soft lips. Shit. Double fucking shit. He's even hotter then he was when he was younger.
He's in loose faded designer jeans, military boots and a casual black shirt. But there's something over his shirt that catches my eye. Well 2 things catch my eye actually. The first thing is the words on his shirt. Wolf Pack Motorcycle Club. And the second, I'm pretty sure Ryan Carter hates me.
My eyes burn from not blinking. This time his scowl is matched with a dark smirk that spreads over his swollen lips.
"Well... Didn't you grow up..." I heard Ryan say.
~~Ryan's Perceptive~~
I'm not gonna lie, seeing her squirm in my presence is fascinating. She was my fucking world the day her sad little soul entered our house. I mean, I wanted a brother, but Faith wasn't half as bad as what I thought having a little sister would be like. She hated Barbie dolls and preferred Transformer trucks. Not much else I could complain about, until she grew tits.
"Kitten..." I smirk, throwing out her nickname. I loved the little shit when she was growing up. Now I can't. I won't.
She flinches from the use of her nickname, and I also didn't miss the scan she did over me as soon as she saw me. Then I watched as the blood drained from her face when she read my patches.
"Great! Dinner is ready!" Mom said, clapping her hands. She hooks her arm in mine as if I've walked back after a weekend away, not 4 fucking years. "Ryan, please tell me you haven't joined a motorcycle gang..." She asked.
I unlatched from her grasp and followed behind as Dad hushes Mom's rant and Faith falls into step slightly behind me.
When our parents are out of earshot, I turn my head slightly over my shoulder with a smug grin.
"What's the matter Kitten? Didn't you miss me?" I asked teasingly.
Her eyes met mine, defiance flashing over them briefly before it's gone. "No..." She said her voice hard.
I chuckled, turning to face her fully. Just before we're about to turn into the kitchen, I slam my hands against the wall, backing her up against it and caging her in. The tip of my nose glides over her cheek as I inhale her sweet, innocent flesh. She is like a breath of fresh air after being face down in club girl pussy. Only her air is fucking laced with poison.
"You should be scared, my dear Kitten... You're not safe from me anymore..." I said as my eyes drop down her little body, taking in the soft curves that stretch out over her otherwise delicate stature.
"You two!" Dad calls from the dining room. "What's taking so long?" Tense bastard.
I pushed off the wall, knowing full well no one can see us. Fucking hate my rich-ass parents and their rich-ass house.
"You might be right, Ryan..." She squares her shoulders and looks at me deep in the eye. "But I'm not the same girl you abandoned either..." She said her features hardening. The way said it was laced with hate and disgust.
"Oh yeah?" I smirk, running my tongue over my bottom lip. "How so?" I asked.
"I have teeth now..." She growled. "Plus I've seen worst monsters then you..." She mumbles as she shoves past me. Still feisty.
Before I can grab her little ass and back it up against the wall, my phone vibrates in my back pocket. I don't bother to tell the old man that I'll be in in a second, because he knows I'll be in in a second.
"What?" I answer the phone.
"Ah... Did I catch you at a bad time?" I heard Fluff ask from the other side. There's shuffling in the background. "Sorry Psycho, it's just Lion told me that I can call you about..." Fluff, our new prospect, stammers on the other end. I attempt to count to fucking 10, because my old therapist once said it'll help.
"Bad timing, Fluff... I'm away..." I said trying wrap this up.
"Oh, ah, I know..." He said.
"So, What is it?" I asked.
"Oh right... Ah, so, Roo has been shot and we're wondering what we should do..." He said making my jaw tense.
"Is it a fatal wound?" I asked. There's more shuffling and then Lion's old ass voice comes through. Lion is our club president. How he got that name is a long fucking story. Mine is Psycho, and that's also a long fucking story.
"Can always count on my VP to put the fear of god into the prospects..." Lion chuckled down the phone.
"Maybe we need to reevaluate who we are letting drag their feet through our clubhouse then..." I said in annoyance. I clearly said not to bother me while I was away.
"I think Fluff is a good one... You're just got to nice..." Lion said smugly.
"I'm never nice... You know this..." I said. He chuckled again and I can just imagine the cigar hanging from between his frail lips. "I'll ask again... Is it fatal?" I asked sighing.
"It's not... Just wanted to scare Fluff... You make him nervous... I think he actually shits himself every time he has to talk to you..." Lion said with another chuckle. "How are the parents?" Lion asked.
"Same, same... I'll be back tomorrow morning..." I said
"Yeah, alright... Anything I need to know?" Lion asked.
The question doesn't throw me off. Lion always asks it. The fucking hypersensitive prick.
"If you did, you'd know..." I said before hanging up my phone.
I make my way back into the kitchen pulling out the chair opposite of Faith and sinking into the plush leather. My eyes never leave hers. She picks up her glass of water and empties it in one go, all the while trying her hardest not to look at me.
"Son, how have you been?" Dad asked beside me, cutting into his steak. We lose ourselves in conversation about normal ass shit that I used to be into. I feel bad, I fucking do. I felt bad the day I walked away from all of them with the intention of never returning. That boy with an attitude problem turned into a man with issues. Real fucking issues. But until recently, I've found myself having to drag my ass back to this house for the same very reason I fucking left.
Her.
"Ryan?" My mom mutters, patting her mouth with her linen napkin and placing it daintily onto the table. "Please tell me you haven't joined a motorcycle club..." Mom asked In a voice that is pleading me to deny it. I wanted to laugh.
Dad silences beside me.
My eyes find Faith, who isn't watching me smugly, she's more bored. Blank and expressionless. She's a mere fucking shadow of the girl I once knew. She doesn't want to be here anymore then I do. When we were kids, she had a glow about her, even when we would fight. There was fire that lit her up her aura. Now that fire seems to have burned out. I hate to admit it but it pisses me off seeing her eyes look like they're dead. No life in them at all. Makes me have a really bad feeling that I'm missing something.
She's keen to void my eyes, but I can't stop looking at her. Still, I know my expression doesn't give anything away. I've spent the last 4 years perfecting my poker face. Faith, on the other hand, looks annoyed and sullen. I thought she'd be out of her snotty teenage years by now, but apparently not. I know I should be focusing on mom and dad but let's face it, she's the only reason I'm back.
I stare at her until she's forced to meet my eyes. When she does, I wag my eyebrows at her in a move that's almost salacious. It definitely blurs the lines. She barely refrains from rolling her eyes at me and I had to suppress the urge to smile.
"Ryan darling, you're not answering my question... Have you really joined a motorcycle club?" Mom asked annoyed.
"I have... Been there for 4 years now, Ma..." I said my eyes still not leaving Faith.
"Where is there and why Ryan?" Mom asked.
I toss my napkin onto my plate. Guess we're doing this now. "L.A. Not too far from you..." My eyes cut back to Faith's. "But far enough..." I added.
"Aren't you going to say something, Faith?" My mother vocally gasps at Faith. "You 2 were always so close..." My mom said.
Faith chokes on her water. It was no secret how close Faith and I were. Everyone called Faith my pet. She was always hanging off my arm, wanting to do everything with me, Owen, and Austin, and she was the only one who was allowed. Pissed a lot of bitches off too, the fact that they couldn't ride with us, but my little foster sister could, but they dealt with it. Faith would make my birthday cake every year too. Her and mom in the kitchen getting messy while dad was always away doing business shit.
"I have nothing to say... Actually, can I be excused?" Faith asked her eyes closed as she threw her napkin on the table.
Mom flicks her wrist agreeing and Faith shuffles out of the dining room, my eyes never straying from her. When she jogs up the stairs, I watch as her ass bounces with each step. I bite my lip and grin. If she wasn't my foster sister, I'd have that parked on my shit for at least 2 business days.
"Kevin?" My mom points to my old man.
He looks at me, and I look at him and all of that awkward bullshit that happens any time someone is in trouble.
"Huh, guess my little sister isn't very happy to see me again... You'd reckon I'd need to stay away longer before she cracks a smile..." I teased.
"Ryan... When you left, it broke her heart... You need to be patient with her... She hasn't smiled since you left... It was like the world ended..." Mom said looking down at her plate.
I almost laughed. Patient? She really doesn't know me at all anymore. Patience is not one of my strong suits and I certainly wasn't going to hang around here waiting for that prissy little brat up there to come down off her high horse. But since I don't want to get into it with mom, I just shrug as though it's not really my problem. Which I suppose it isn't. Mom continues with her line of questioning and I wonder why I came here in the first place.
"So, what happened?" Mom asked, finally bringing her eyes to me.
"I can't talk about that with you..." I said maybe a bit harsh but I can't change it now.
Mom sighed, standing and cleaning the table. "Well, I hope you at least visit more often..." Mom said.
I stand with her, gazing to my old man who is watching me carefully. "Been a very empty house without you boy..." Dad said, though his tone don't match his words. Something akin to disgust was laced in his tone. Which I wasn't sure why.
Dad, looks good for his age. But then, he always fucking did. If only the good looks and charm can hide what lingers beneath the savage businessman that is Kevin Carter.
I go into the kitchen and help Mom with the dishes. "Where's Louise?" I asked, wondering where the maid is. She always walked her old ass around our house doing all the shit my mom was supposed to be doing instead of shopping with her friends.
Mom sighed, putting dish after dish into the washer. "I let her go not long after you left... I didn't want to make the same mistakes I did with you with Faith too..." She said, her eyes going out to the front of the house where the excessive garage curves around. "She screamed for you every night for the first year, waking up in a sweat... Then it just stopped... Like she gave up..." She added after a short pause. I thought she was done until she spoke again. "She was in the hospital twice too..." I heard her mumbled.
"Why?" I found myself asking.
"It's not my place to tell you... If she wanted you to know she would have told you..." Mom said.
My lips pinch together. Wish I could say I gave a fuck, but I didn't. I felt for the young Kitten, not the one that's sitting her pert little ass upstairs now.
"Yeah... Shit changed..." I said as mom brings her hands up to my cheeks.
"Don't be a stranger... That's an order... And when you're ready, I'm here if you want to talk about whatever happened..." Mom said with a sad smile on her face.
"Sure thing Ma..." I said. Though that's not going to fucking happen.
After helping mom clean up, I say goodbye to them and then head out to my bike. Swinging my leg over my Dyna Glade, I kick start her to life and listen as she rumbles underneath me. Putting a cigarette into my mouth, Faith's bedroom light catches the corner of my eye. The only light that's on on that level. I blow out a cloud of smoke.
'One day soon, your ass will be sitting in my clubhouse and it won't be by choice...' I said internally taking one last look at her window.
~~Few Days Later - Faith's Perspective~~
"Are you happy that we're finally attending the same college?" Jenn asked.
We had plans to go out tonight, but I squashed them after Ryan's appearance a few days ago. He had thrown me off balance.
"I am..." I said as I pulled at the end of sleeve of my, or should I say Owen's, hoodie as I sat on the lounger watching Jenn float in the pool. I have to fight the urge to scratch at the newest addition so she doesn't know that I did slip again. After he was here I couldn't handle the feelings anymore that I slipped up even after promising never to do it again.
After the last hospital trip, I was under watch for like 2 month by my parents and Jenn, even Kyle, though he was hardly around. He said he was disappointed in me. I had it from everyone for a good 2 and half years. But the one night I slipped and made the cut on my wrist too deep and too big. I lost so much blood too fast that I passed out. Worried Mom because I refused to talk about anything. She wouldn't understand. Not to mention He would have found out I told and I'd be dead. Though now that I think about it maybe that would have been easier.
Jenn removed her sunglasses, her eyes gazing up to the big house behind me. "This places gives me the creeps..." Jenn said.
"You're not alone... Shall we go get food?" I asked.
"I seriously just can't wait to get the fuck out of San Francisco and back to L.A..." Jenn said.
I laugh slightly. "I can't wait either..." I said.
"Okay, so... I know you don't want to talk about the trio, but did you watch Owen's game last night?" Jenn asked.
My mind drifts into outer space at the mention of one of my brothers. I nod, popping off the lid to my water bottle and taking a nice gulp. "Never miss a game..." I said.
"Man... He's amazing... And sexy as fucking ever and..." Jenn begins but I feel need to stop her.
"And almost married..." I said stopping her praising rant. I glare at her with narrowed eyes. Owen is about to marry Jade from school.
It was a twist of fate, she ended up being the daughter of the cook his father hired, which was why she had appeared at the party that night. Apparently, they got into the same school too. Cute. For some people, it just works out.
Jenn groans, stomping her foot as we make our way back into the house. "Is he really though? I mean, just because they're having a child together, I don't see why they have to get married..." Jenn whines.
I shake my head scolding Jenn. "He's literally in love with her... He tells me all the fucking time and she is a good woman... Stop it... Drop Owen..." I scolded.
One because I don't feel like talking about him in the sense that it's bringing back thoughts of seeing Ryan just the other night. And two, I've only just started talking Owen and Austin again after they left to go on with their lives. They didn't want to leave me so soon after Ryan but it's not like they had a choice. They had to move on with their lives and do what they needed to do. I'm not sure either of them could really help me anyway.
I loved my brothers but I was certain that having them around would only intensify the pain that Ryan inflicted with his absence. Like a constant reminder of what I had and lost.
"Fine..." Jenn huffed. "But text Kyle to see what he's doing, since I'm bored... We need to have a final SF drink because I'm never coming back here... " Jenn said.
After Ryan left, I was a shell of the girl I once was, and I don't think I'll find a home there again. My friends did their best, but the best didn't help when all I wanted was him.