Before I begin to Live

(Chexton series)

Chapter 2: The Beginning

"When I was 5 years old, my life changed. My mom had just told me I was going to be a big brother and I was super excited. My dad and I would watch her belly get bigger and bigger, while taking turns listening to it. But then my mom fell preparing the nursery, while my dad was away, and I was no longer a big brother. It was so hard for me to really understand what was happening at that age. All I knew was my mom was sad, crying all the time, and I couldn't do anything to help her. Her parents, Sarah and Vincent, came and we packed away the baby clothes, crib, and repainted the room. After a couple of weeks, my mom didn't cry as much. Although, I could hear her crying in the middle of the night, she started to smile and laugh again. Well, at least until my dad returned. You could tell he was angry, but I felt like he was mad at her, as if he blamed her. On the 3rd night after his return, he was yelling at her so loudly I ran in and stood in front of her, frightened he would hit her. He told me that men don't cry, so I should stop being a big baby. My dad yanked me out of the way and grabbed my mom aggressively. I thought he was going to hit her or me, but before he could, Grandpa Vincent removed dad from the room. The next thing I knew, I went to live with my grandparents for almost 2 years. I don't know what happened, but when I got back, my mom's smile was gone and I didn't hear her laugh again until we got Emily- 4 years later."

April never knew he had personal experience with miscarriage. Although it was a sibling, he felt the loss and it obviously made an impression. Maybe this was why he was so intense when they started planning their family- he didn't want history to repeat itself; trying to do everything perfectly. She'd learned something new and wanted to learn more.

"You always wonder why I don't talk about my family, well, my parents' relationship was not a road map I'd wanted to follow. They never seemed to be happy together after the miscarriage. I mean they were better when Emily came, but by the time she turned 7 and was mischievous, their minimal joy was gone for good. My dad's patience for his disobedient rambunctious daughter was waning, but it wasn't his unhappy amenable wife who often stepped in, but rather his growing quick-tempered son. I wasn't stupid. My father was a military leader, who never understood how to separate military life from home life. I knew, if he was pushed too far, he would hurt my sister, so I convinced my mom to let us go stay with her parents during the summers. Looking back, I realize I blamed my mom too for allowing his behavior. She had a supportive family and help, but she chose to stay. Me, on the other hand, I made up my mind to leave as soon as I could. My grandparents' relationship was much different from my parents. They were warm and affectionate, much like yours. But after my grandma died, and then my granddad a few months later when I was 16, I guess I just resigned myself to believe love like that was like a shooting star- rarely seen and always wished for." She'd never known this poetic side of Ethan. April could also understand why he was so protective of Emily- he'd been doing it since he was a teenager.

"My senior year in high school, was a turning point. Though my dad was military, I went to public school and I met Jessica. She was a transfer student, beautiful inside and out. We had science together and instantly hit it off. After a few months of being friends, we started dating and I was head over heels. I honestly thought she was too, but apparently, I was wrong. Jessica wanted to fit in, so when her dad decided he didn't want her dating an Asian guy, or someone not white, she broke up with me. She chose to be accepted and not to fight for me, just like my mother, so I decided I wouldn't let that ever happen again. I'd just have to fight for myself. I graduated and went to college, much to my dad's chagrin. He wanted me to serve as he had, but I had other plans. I wanted to be a doctor. So, I focused, not allowing any distractions, except for the occasional hookup. Then one day, a corpsman, Banks, gave a lecture to my class, and I was hooked. He was a great mentor and better example."

"When I enlisted, my dad acted as if I did it for him. He was a Navy fighter pilot, but I didn't want to be like him. Banks was the reason I enlisted in the Navy and became a medic. And it's where I met my first love- Cicely. Cicely Townsend was remarkable in every way. She was smart and opinionated; strong, but gentle; shy, yet never met a stranger. Her mom had named her after, Cicely Tyson, and my 'Cice' carried herself in a similar regal and graceful manner. But people didn't just like her for her beauty- she was respected because she didn't take any mess off anyone, especially the guys. I'd seen her around the ship, but the first time I really noticed her was one day working out. Several sailors were in the gym, but Cice was the only woman in the room. Some guys made indecent gestures. Others insinuated she didn't belong, saying she was accepted because of affirmative action. One sailor got in her face saying she was only there as 'entertainment' for the guys- her job to keep them happy. But before I could get to the jerk, Cice drop-kicked him and broke his nose. The entire room erupted in cheers and laughter, while Simmons (the jerk) suffered in pain. Then she told him, 'Well it looks like I've done my job for the day,' stepping over him and walking out."

"Later that week, she passed me on board. 'Choi, you should smile more,' she said with a coy grin. 'I saw you laugh when I beat up Simmons. A smile suits you… shows off those pretty dimples.' And with a wink she smiled, turned the corner, and instantly had me hooked. After that we were inseparable, even though our designations were different. Morning and night, even port times, we'd be with each other. Three months in, on our first leave, I took her home to meet my family. When we arrived, my dad was thrilled she was Navy; my mom kept saying she was so beautiful; and Emily got along with her like a little sister. I was so happy things were going well, until my dad crossed the line.

"Cicely is obviously a good soldier, but she isn't good enough to be your wife… not my daughter in-law." My mouth just dropped open in shock. "What? She too opinionated and too b…"

"Dad if you say 'black', we're gonna have a problem."

"No, not black. I don't care about her color. Honestly she's gorgeous- too pretty for you." I started to calm down, but then he continued. "She's too bossy! She doesn't know her place and that's going to be an issue later. You need to have a woman who understands she's supposed to support you, not tell you what to do." I tried to tell him I like a woman with a brain and I respect her opinion. He told me I was weak; which may be good since she was such a bitch. I slammed my father against the wall and as I was about to hit him, Cice was between us bringing me back from the edge. Everything had happened so quick, but in a matter of seconds, she kept me from doing something I probably would've regretted later. The Chief was surprised by my actions, but more so by her response.

"Chief Choi, I appreciate your hospitality these last couple of days. However, I need to get back to the ship early, so I'll be leaving tonight. And though I may not be what you envisioned for your son, please know that I've grown to respect and admire him greatly. Ethan's moral code, intelligence, and strength of character are valuable to me and the Navy. And whether you approve or not, I love your son, and I hope you can at least respect that." She nodded, touched my hand, and walked away.

Needless to say, I followed and didn't look back. I kept in touch with my mom and Emily, more by letters and a few calls, but I didn't speak to my father for a long while afterwards. At the hotel that night, I told her I loved her as well, and for the first time in my life, I felt loved and whole. I finally had a relationship with someone who loved me as much as I loved them. She challenged and pushed me to be better, all the while being supportive."

"Next leave, we spent it with her family. They were close and affectionate, much like your family; although not as big. I was welcomed with open arms and treated like a member of the clan immediately. Her grandma, GiGi, kept saying if she was 25 years younger, she'd marry me and have some pretty dimpled babies. Her father was retired Army, so he understood military life, but based upon her mom, he obviously chose an equally intelligent and strong wife. They were a team and it was clear as to where Cice's relationship views came from. Her parents were the ideal partnership- strong individuals choosing to come together to make a stronger team. It was my second glimpse at how a marriage could be and it gave me hope. So, while I was there, I asked her parents their permission to propose. I hadn't decided when I would do it, but I wanted to make sure they were in agreement. They both gave their blessing and I was elated to know I would be a part of their family."

"A couple of weeks after leave, I was making my plan to propose, and we both got orders for Iraq. Though stationed on the same base, we had different duties, so we didn't see each other that much. We made time when we could, but one day my unit was called out to assist a team pinned down and hit by an IED. It was Cicely's team and Cice was hurt. She died in my arms."

April gasped, finally understanding why Ethan had been so consumed when she was shot and pinned under the car. He'd already experienced losing someone he loved so profoundly. If he had to do it again, it probably would've broken him. She continued reading.

"Once she was gone, I was lost. Fortunately, I had a commanding officer who knew about our relationship and helped me focus while we were deployed. Once we returned, I wasn't sure how to be. I was afraid to contact her parents, but they were gracious. Her dad even told me it gave him comfort she died with the man she loved, doing what she loved- serving this country. I still call them on her birthday. Ironically, after a few years, her mother asked me if I was dating or liked someone.

"Ethan, you know Cice would want you to live. She'd tell you 'Don't waste time'" and we both chuckled hearing Cice's voice. Mrs. T was right. "So, what's her name?"

"Who?"

"The woman whose caught your attention? I know there's someone." I couldn't lie to her.

"Her name is April. She's a nurse in the hospital I landed at. She's beautiful, opinionated, and strong, but so loving and warm. She reminds me of Cice… not that I'm comparing, but you know."

"It sounds like they would've been friends and more importantly, it sounds like she's someone you could love. That's what my daughter would've wanted- you in a loving partnership."

April, there was something about you that awakened parts of me that I buried with Cice. I didn't want to risk knowing the possibility of that pain again, but it was also a time when I felt the most alive. So, I decided to make my own luck and see if I would be granted another opportunity to experience that kind of love again. Unfortunately, my luck didn't change immediately after Cice; to which Lynn and Vicki can attest."