Miranda sat in the hospital room staring at the wall replaying those moments over in her mind and listening to the sounds of the machines beep. This had been her routine everyday since Ben's accident and he had been in a coma for 5 months now.
Miranda wiped the tear that had fallen on her cheek and began looking over the paperwork that was in her lap. She decided that she would still try to work some since there was nothing that could be done since he had some brain activity, his vitals remained stable and he no longer had any infections.
So this was her routine, she would sit in his room and get paperwork done until she had to do rounds, surgery or got called to the pit.
Richard Webber came and stood in the door "Hey Bailey, how is he doing?"
"He still has very limited brain function but other than that he his stable and infection free now," Miranda said looking at Richard trying to keep strength on her face.
"How are you feeling Miranda," Richard asked sincerely.
This time Miranda looked back down at the paperwork she had been working on. "I...I'm taking this situation moment by moment. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of hoping but the love of my life is laying in a hospital bed unconscious for months and there is nothing I can do but wait and keep hoping."
Miranda stood up from the chair she was sitting in, "I haven't spent a night at home in weeks because everywhere I turn is a reminder of him. And our bed smells like him and I'm not use to sleeping without him there.
And my son probably feels like I've abandoned him even though he says he understands...and Tucker even try's to reassure me that Tuck understands," Miranda said as she stood at the end of the bed rubbing Ben's leg.
"Maybe you should go home as an attempt at some normalcy for you and Tuck," Richard replied with a face that showed he regretted what he had just said.
"Ben being at home is what makes being at home feel comfortable and normal. But I will go and try for my child," Miranda voiced as she packed her things.
Once Miranda finished packing up her stuff she walked over to Ben's bed and rubbed his head as she stared at him. "Don't go anywhere or do anything crazy while I'm gone," she said in a laughing tone. She kissed his forehead before grabbing her things and leaving to go home.
On her way home she called her ex husband Tucker, "Hey Miranda, is everything okay?" Tucker asked concerned when he answered the phone.
"Hey Tucker Jones, yes everything is fine. I decided to go home but I wanted to come pick up Tuck, we both haven't stayed home since Ben has been in the hospital," Miranda explained.
Tuck had been staying with Tucker and his wife since Miranda couldn't bare to go home since Ben's accident. She knew she needed to get back to having some stability for herself and Tuck.
"Miranda how about I just bring him over and let you have a moment to settle in before we get there," Tucker suggested.
"That's a good idea Tucker Jones, thank you. Okay I will see y'all soon, Miranda said.
Just as Miranda got off the phone she arrived in her driveway. As she looked at the outside of her home it almost seemed new or as if she was seeing it for the first time.
Miranda slowly walked up to her front door and stopped in front of it. Miranda closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning the key to unlock the door.
When she stepped into her house and stood in the foyer it felt empty...not the emptiness of persons but an emptiness from feeling alone.
Knowing that Ben wouldn't be home anytime soon just made the house and Miranda if empty. Knowing that there wouldn't be an expectation or anticipation of Ben walking through the door, calling her name, hugging and kissing her and tell her about his day.
Miranda sighed deeply as she walked further into their home and put her bags by the table in the hallway that lead to their bedroom, she didn't feel ready to go back there.
She took off her shoes in the living room and sat down. She closed her eyes thinking about the last time her and Ben had sat on the couch together.
"Ben I'm still mad at you," Miranda shouted to Ben who was in the kitchen making them a snack as they prepared to watch another one of Miranda's sci-fi movies. Ben agreed to do a sci-fi movie marathon with her for forgetting to call her when he knew he wouldn't make it home on time.
Ben didn't mean to cause Miranda to stress but sometimes...most times, in the rush of doing his job he would forget to call or let her know that he was safe. And it caused them to have a big argument that day.
"Miranda, there have been PLENTY of times where when you are doing your job, the JOB YOU LOVE, and you forget to call me all day or don't let me know that you're not coming home," Ben voiced.
"That may be true, but the difference between my job and your job is that I'm not risking my life everyday to save lives, BUT YOU ARE!" Miranda yelled.
Ben stared at his wife as tears began to flow from her eyes, "Ben...the point of all this is that I love you with everything in me. And I can't stand the thought of losing you, so I just need to know you're okay when you're away from me," Miranda professed.
Ben grabbed his wife and hugged her, running his hand through her hair as he kissed her head. He loved his job but he hated that it left Miranda always fearing and worrying about his safety. He thought they had gotten past it after her sabbatical but he guessed not.
"To make up for not calling or texting you back we can have a sci-fi movie marathon tonight," Ben suggested. Miranda mumbled in agreement.
"Ben hurry up, I'm ready to start the movie," Miranda declared. Ben grabbed the bowl of popcorn and some drinks and hurried to the living room. Ben sat the bowl in Miranda's lap and got under the large blanket that Miranda was in and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she started the movie.
Miranda tried her best not to cry thinking about the argument they had and how her fear had come true. She got up off the couch and walked into the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator and was confused at why it was full of food. She quickly remembered that the morning of Ben's accident he went to the grocery store before going to work.
Miranda quickly closed the refrigerator door, turned and held onto the island counter to brace herself. She felt like she was going into an anxiety attack but she didn't want to so she took a moment to breathe deeply and she focused her attention on the way her hands were gripping the counter.
Once she felt herself calming down she decided to order some food so that Tuck would have something to eat when he got here. Once she ordered the food, she decided to go ahead and take a shower.
Miranda walked down the hallway to their bedroom. When she got to the door she paused, she wasn't ready to go in there and be reminded of Ben so she turned around and went into the guest room and showered in that bathroom. Miranda came out of the shower and realized she needed night clothes.
She paused at her bedroom door once more before taking a deep breath and held it as if she was going underwater before entering the room and hurrying to find some night clothes to wear. Miranda hurried back out of the room and let her breath out. She slowly walked back into the guest bedroom and got dressed. Just Miranda finish putting on t-shirt and pajama pants, the doorbell rang.
Miranda saw Tucker's head and hurried to open the door. When she opened the door Tuck immediately flew in her arms. Miranda stumbled back a little from the impact of her teenage son's body on her short body. "Mom, I've missed you so much," Tuck cried.
Miranda could no longer hold back her tears once her son fell into her arms crying. Tucker closed the front door and guided them into the living room. Miranda and Tuck sat on the couch crying and holding each other while Tucker sat beside them and tried to comfort them.
"Mom, when is Ben going to get better? He has to get better, right? Tuck pleaded.
"Tuck, we don't know baby. All we know is that right now he has minimal brain activity so there isn't anyway to know when...if he will wake up," Miranda explained through her tears.
Miranda looked over at Tucker who also had tears in his eyes as he looked at them. It was the first time in a long time that Miranda saw an emotion in his face other than irritation. Though they had learn to be civil with one another for Tuck, they never really healed from the issues in their marriage.
Just as their emotions were calming down the door bell rang. "Oh, hmmm I ordered food because I didn't know if you would be hungry and all the food in the refrigerator is old now," Miranda said to Tuck while rubbing his back. Tucker got up, answered the door and took the food from the DoorDash driver.
Tucker placed the food on the island counter and walked back into the living room. "Tuck you ready for some food?" Miranda whispered in his ear as he laid in her lap.
"I'm not really hungry mom," Tuck replied. Tuck got up off of Miranda's lap and walked upstairs to his room.
"Miranda when was the last time you ate," Tucker asked.
Miranda looked over at him before sighing deeply and putting her face in her hands. "Umm I haven't really had an appetite these last few months...maybe a day ago," Miranda replied.
"Come on Mandy, let's go try to eat something; you have to eat a little something," Tucker said.
Miranda opened the bag of Chinese food she ordered and put some food on a plate. She took a few bites but didn't want anymore. She felt herself about to cry again, "I just don't understand why this is happening," Miranda cried.
"We are supposed to have 60 years together and now we don't even know when he's going to wake up...or if he'll ever wake up," Miranda cried into her hands.
Miranda got up and opened a bottle of wine. She poured herself and Tucker a glass before going back into the living room. Miranda sipped on the wine as her and Tucker sat in silence for a moment.
"60 years huh? Tucker questioned. Miranda just looked over at him and then took a sip of wine.
"Did you ever feel our love was strong enough for us get to 60 years?" Tucker asked.
Miranda took another sip of wine, "I loved you a lot but I never thought about 60 years with you Tucker. Ben was...is the love of my life and I can't imagine my life without him," Miranda confessed.
Tucker just stared at Miranda with a stiff expression on his face.
"That's why this is the first time I've been home in 5 months and why I feel like a terrible mom for not having my son with me for all this time. And I know that he understood why but it still hasn't been fair for him either," Miranda expressed.
"And I know you have never really liked the idea that Ben is his dad too but he is. So on top of not being here at home, me not being all that I needed to be for Tuck, and him being worried about his step dad, I know it's taking a toll on him. So I decided to push my feelings aside and come home so we can get back to some normalcy," Miranda explained.
Tucker's face softened, "I know Miranda...it's been a blessing that Tuck has had Ben in his life. I know I've been a jerk about him calling Ben dad...I shouldn't feel threatened by it," Tucker confessed.
"And I know that it may look like things won't get better, but I believe they will Miranda. Maybe a miracle will happen and he will wake up," Tucker expressed.
Miranda smiled, "Ben and I had a conversation about this around the time that Derek died. What would we do if he was in a coma and I always thought that it was crazy that he wanted extreme measures taken to keep him alive. I started calling him miracle man to tease him...now I couldn't imagine letting him go," Miranda expressed.
"Well Miranda, let's just pray that he is true to his name and you won't have to," Tucker said has his phone rang.
"Jayde is calling me Miranda, I have to go but I will come by if you need anything," Tucker said as he stood up and walked to the door.
Miranda followed behind him, "thank you for bringing Tuck and for talking with me," Miranda said. After Tucker left, Miranda locked the door and walked upstairs to check on Tuck. When Miranda peeked in his door she found him was sound asleep.
She closed the door and walked back downstairs to her bedroom. Once again when she got to the door of her bedroom, she quickly turned and went into the guest room, got in bed and waited to see if sleep would come to her.