Less than an hour after Arata had left the hotel room, Shizuo found himself being confronted by his brother. His expression was kept blank, but the older man could see the underlying frustration hidden in those dark eyes.
"I thought you said you weren't going to leave." Kasuka's accusatory gaze seemed to break down any defenses Shizuo tried to create, leaving him feeling like a toddler that had been caught in the act by their mother.
Shizuo fiddled with the unlit cigarette in his hand, his eyes focused on the cancer stick instead of his brother. "I did say that… But I didn't leave right away! I found a room where they were playing piano music, and it was peaceful. So I stayed there for a while."
Kasuka's expression calmed slightly, and his shoulders slumped in relief. The younger man seemed to be happy that his older brother had found something to do, and hadn't just run back to the hotel.
"The piano guy, he was so amazing. So I stayed and talked to him, and I asked if he wanted to get a drink, and then…" He stopped and blushed a bright red.
"...And then what?"
Shizuo let out a groan and rubbed the back of his neck. "We…" His blush worsened and he let out an awkward grumble. "I don't think this is the type of thing I should be sharing with my little brother…"
He took a chance to glance at Kasuka, and found him staring with his eyebrows slightly raised. It seemed the actor had realized what Shizuo was implying. "Oh, I see…" He crossed his arms over his chest, and shrugged slightly. "Well, I'm just glad you did something instead of locking yourself up in here."
"You don't think it's weird?" Shizuo nervously asked. "I mean, he was just some random guy and…"
Kasuka shook his head quickly. "People all find contentment in different ways. I'm not going to judge you for that, Big Brother. I just want you to be happy, no matter where that happiness may come from."
Shizuo allowed himself a small smile as warmth pooled in his chest. It felt good to know that his brother was so supportive, which he already knew of course, but having Kasuka remind him of that fact helped soothe his nerves every time. "Thanks, little brother…"
The actor nodded, and then moved to sit down next to Shizuo. They sat in silence and enjoyed the company of the other for several minutes before Kasuka curiously turned to glance at him. "Are you going to see him again?"
"Well… Maybe…" Shizuo felt his cheeks heat up all over again. "He told me he wouldn't be against it, and even told me where to find him if I wanted to. But… He doesn't know my real name, I gave him a fake one and… What if I go to see him and he's changed his mind? W-what if he realizes that I'm a…"
Kasuka's eyes quickly narrowed. "Don't you dare finish that sentence, big brother. I don't care what anyone in Ikebukuro says, you are not a monster. You never have been." He placed his hand on Shizuo's shoulder. "This is why I wanted to get you away from Ikebukuro, it's not good for you there, and you deserve to be happy."
"How can I deserve anything after I killed Izaya?" Shizuo croaked, an image of the bloody man flashing through his mind.
Kasuka's grip tightened. "You didn't kill him, Varona did. And even if you had, he was trying to kill you. It was you or him."
Shizuo swallowed down a lump in his throat. "I know, I know… But…" He shuddered and shook his head, the words lost before they could form.
He heard his little brother sigh. "Shizuo, I think you should keep seeing this man. I know I haven't met him, but when you spoke about him… Your eyes lit up, and your smile was happy. It's been a long time since I've seen you like that, I'd like to keep seeing it."
Even though he hadn't been seeking his brother's approval, it still felt comforting to have it. He smiled again, only to lose it moments later. "Aren't we leaving soon? I thought you said that the director wanted to go to Yokohama."
"He does, but we aren't leaving for a day or two." Kasuka explained, and fixed his gaze in Shizuo's own brown eyes. "If you want to stay, big brother, I can rent the hotel for a few days extra for you. Or even rent you an apartment, if you want?"
Shizuo couldn't help but laugh. "Slow down, Kasuka. I'm not even sure myself what I want to do yet." He scratched at his chin and let out a hum of thought. "Maybe… Maybe I'll try to see Arata again tonight, and think about if I want to stay a little longer. Okay?"
Kasuka nodded in agreement and then left to get ready for the day. Alone once more, Shizuo couldn't help but feel giddy. He was going to see Arata again, his heart was already beating faster, and his stomach was filled with butterflies all over again. If only he had a way to make the moon rise more quickly.
Izaya's pale fingers ran across the ivory keys of the large piano as he tried to calm his nerves. He moved his hand left and right, and then pressed down to allow a gentle note to ring through the empty room.
"You okay, Arata-kun?"
At the sound of his fake name, Izaya turned his head to find one of the other workers nearby. A young man named Hachiro who played in a band on alternating days, usually before Izaya came to play the piano.
Suddenly feeling self conscious, Izaya's hand flew away from the keys as if they burned and moved to mess with his hair. The left side was styled with braids, which made it easier to squeeze in an attempt to relax.
"Oh, um… Well…" He shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I met someone here… T-the other night. And I'm hoping to see them again today."
Hachiro's eyes sparkled and set down the guitar he was tuning. "Really? That's wonderful! It's about time!"
Izaya wrinkled his eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you've been working with us for two years and I know I don't know you that well, but you've always seemed kind of lonely. It's nice to see you found someone!" Hachiro exclaimed, seemingly unaware that his words slightly offended Izaya.
The pianist scoffed and turned back to the piano, running his finger across the top again. "It's nothing special, he's just some random guy. I don't know if he'll even remember someone like me…"
The guitarist's reaction to Izaya's self-deprecating words was to scoff. "As if! Arata-kun, you're a wonderful person, and an amazing piano player. I'm sure he's just waiting for us to open so he can see you again, anyone in his spot would!"
"Hachiro-san, please don't lie to me in that tone… You're using the same voice you use when flirting with the customers."
The other man froze for a moment, and then let out an amused chuckle. "Was I taking that tone again? My bad!" He placed the guitar on a nearby stand, checked his watch, and smiled. "But I meant what I said, you deserve to be happy! I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
Izaya made a noise of agreement and watched Hachiro hurry away, leaving him alone on the stage. He looked down at where his hand rested on top of the piano and let out a weak sigh.
You make it sound so simple, Harchiro-san… Izaya thought to himself as he grabbed the edge of his suit sleeve and pulled it downward.
Below the suit were the scars on his arms, which wrapped all the way up to his elbows. Looking at those scars reminded him of the dozens of others that littered his once empty canvas of a body, and his useless legs, all of it damage which he knew he deserved.
His coworker was kind, but he didn't understand. Izaya was a monster, and he didn't deserve any kind of happiness, not after all the pain he had caused. Even now, he felt guilty for wanting to see Osata again.
Osata was kind, gentle, and adored the ex-informant's piano music more than anyone else he'd seen. He was like an angel, which is precisely why a demon like Izaya didn't deserve him.
But, as he began to play his usual songs and the night wore on, he found himself feeling too selfish to forget about Osata. As the hours dragged on, his eyes scanned the crowd several times. Near the end of his session, he caught sight of the handsome man who occupied his mind, and he felt his heart soar.
The music came to an end, and the crowd dispersed. Osata came forward, dressed in the suit from the night before. He looked slightly nervous as he leaned against the stage. "It's good to see you again, Arata."
The pianist found himself frozen for a moment. This was his chance, his chance to warn Osata to run away and find someone better, someone who was worthy of the pure affection he saw in those brown eyes.
But Izaya- stupidly selfish Izaya- instead smiled back and whispered,"It's good to see you, too."
After another wonderful night together, Shizuo found himself lying in the hotel bed with his lover. His strong arm held Arata close, the man's head resting on his shoulders while Shizuo's fingers ran through the silky hair.
"You continue to impress me, Osata-kun," Arata whispered in a teasing tone. "It was just as amazing as last time."
Shizuo felt a sharp stab of guilt at the reminder of his fake name, but it was soon smothered by the rush of embarrassment from the other man's compliment. "W-well, thank you. I had a great time too."
He reached for Arata's free hand, threading their fingers together and running his thumb across the palm. "Do you have to leave?" He asked, his tone similar to a petulant child that wanted attention.
"No, I don't have to." Arata quickly comforted as he squeezed Shizuo's strong hand. "After that, I'm not sure I could, even if I could walk without crutches!"
Shizuo knew Arata was telling a joke, but he couldn't help but grow curious. "Um… How did your legs get hurt? I-If you don't mind me asking…"
Arata's bright eyes darkened quite a bit, and his teasing grin faltered. He turned his gaze downward, and hid his face against Shizuo's neck.
"It was… There was…" The young man let out a shaky sigh. "Someone attacked me and hurt me badly. I nearly died, but some friends of mine found me and brought me to the hospital. I was in a wheelchair for a long time, until my doctor decided I could move up to crutches. I'm recovering physically, but… I haven't been the same since then…"
Shizuo felt a sudden burning rage within him, a hatred towards whoever would hurt the kind and beautiful Arata. "I'm sorry that happened to you…"
Arata shrugged against him. "It's okay…" He shuddered a little bit, but his voice was firm. "It's not like I can change what happened…"
The debt collector brought the raven haired man's hand up to his face and pressed a kiss against the back of his hand. "I know that, but I still am sad that you had to go through it." He turned his head to look down at Arata. "Is… Does it hurt a lot? I haven't hurt you, have I?"
"You're too kind, Osata-kun. Don't worry, I will make sure to let you know if I am in pain." He scooted upwards slightly so he could kiss Shizuo on the cheek. "But I'm not afraid, I know you'd never hurt me."
Shizuo leaned into the kiss and ignored the gnawing guilt in his heart. Arata didn't know his true identity, he didn't know what kind of monster Shizuo truly was, how many people he had hurt. But, he found he was too selfish to admit the truth to the man.
The pianist's presence left Shizuo feeling more happy than he ever had before in his life. Even though he knew he would eventually have to go back to the suffocating city of Ikebukuro, he didn't want to think about the oncoming departure.
All he wanted to do in that moment was enjoy his time with Arata.
In the morning, Shizuo awoke to find his lover asleep, his scrawny body swaddled in the big sweater he had given Arata the night before. The sight of him wearing it warmed Shizuo's heart, and he couldn't help but lean down and place a quick kiss on the man's cheek.
Arata stirred slightly, his ruby red eyes cracking open. "Hmm? Osata-chan?" He asked in a sleepy tone.
Shizuo chose to ignore the honorific and tried to push away the memory of someone else who used a similar one. "Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He whispered, and then shuffled his feet. "But now that you're awake, maybe you'd like to have some breakfast?"
The raven haired man nodded eagerly. "That sounds good. Just give me a little bit to get dressed."
The debt collector shook his head. "You don't have to. This place is fancy and let's you bring breakfast to your rooms. I'll grab us some food. You can stay in bed."
Arata let out a satisfied noise and quickly pulled the covers back over himself, the only sign he was still there was the lump under the blankets. "M'kay…"
Shizuo had to fight the urge to jump back into bed with the adorable piano player. Instead, he focused on looking presentable, and then headed out of the hotel room.
As he needed the fancy breakfast room, Shizuo recognized the sound of his brother's voice. He grew excited, hoping he could tell his brother he had taken his advice on being happy.
But as he got closer, he also recognized the voice of the boisterous director who hadn't allowed Shizuo to join them in VIP at the club the night before.
"No. I won't leave him behind."
"Kasuka-san, please be reasonable-"
"You're asking me to send my brother home just because you don't like him. I'm not doing it." Kasuka's voice was deathly stern.
The director made a frustrated noise. "I know that, Kasuka-san, but it is not just me. Many of the staff feel uncomfortable-"
"Director-"
"But can you blame them? Your brother is Heiwajima Shizuo, everyone knows that he killed that man that day. He attacks people when he's angry, and he gets angry a lot, of course they're uncomfortable!"
He heard a sudden shift of movement, it sounded like Kasuka was standing up. "I don't have to listen to you insult my brother like this. Either he stays, or I go."
The director let out an amused noise. "You'd really breach your contract for him? Kasuka, we've already lost many opportunities because your brother is on the tour. You're really going to quit over this? The company could sue you for millions!"
Shizuo couldn't listen to it anymore. His brother's defense of him was heartwarming, but he couldn't let Kasuka waste this opportunity just because of him.
He rounded the corner into the room, standing in between the actor and director. "You don't have to worry about me anymore, director. I'm not joining you any longer, I'm staying in Sapporo."
"What?" Kasuka exclaimed.
The director looked momentarily surprised, but then that damn false smile came back. "Well great! Problem solved!"
Kasuka ignored the elated director and looked at Shizuo with a forlorn gaze. "Big brother, you don't have to stay here. You can come with us, I don't care what the director says."
Shizuo quickly shook his head. "Kasuka, I know you wanted to help me, but all I'm doing is weighing you down. Don't throw away this opportunity for me, okay?" I'm not worth it…
His little brother looked devastated, but he lowered his head and sighed. "Is this really what you want, Shizuo?"
"I'll be fine, Kasuka. I'm twenty-seven, I can take care of myself. I'll see you after the tour, okay?"
He turned around and walked away, willing his legs to take him far away like the coward he was. He knew he should have explained his reasoning better, he knew he should have stayed and talked to Kasuka, but at that moment all he wanted to do was run away.
Shizuo shoved the door to his hotel room open, which made the half-awake Arata jump in surprise. "Change of plans." He growled out. "We're going out for breakfast."
Arata didn't argue with him, it likely wasn't difficult to notice that Shizuo's good mood was suddenly non-existent. Arata put on some clothes, and then Shizuo hurried them out of one of the nearest exits. They didn't run into Kasuka, which he was secretly thankful for, he didn't want to face his little brother.
They walked in silence, their pace slower than Shizuo would have liked thanks to Arata's crutches. But he didn't dare complain, he had caused enough problems for people recently.
He felt like an idiot, he should have seen the signs. Everytime he was on set he was avoided like he had the plague, the director not letting him in VIP, his brother asking him if he wanted to stay in Sapporo… Wait, had Kasuka known?
Shizuo tried to be angry at his brother, but he couldn't find it in him. It wasn't Kasuka's fault, it was Shizuo's. He shouldn't have come, all he did was hurt the people he loved. At least now Kasuka wouldn't get in trouble, but that had hurt his little brother's feelings. I can't do anything right, can I?
After a few minutes of aimlessly wandering, he heard the limping Arata awkwardly clear his throat. "Pardon me, Osata-kun, but… Do you know where we're going?"
Shizuo frowned and looked around them. He quickly realized he had no idea where they were. He had been so focused on getting away that he hadn't realized where he was headed. "Uh… Not really."
"Well, do you still want breakfast? I know a few good restaurants nearby."
The debt collector frowned and shook his head. When he thought of breakfast, all he could hear was the director and Kasuka's argument. "Breakfast doesn't sound good to me right now."
Arata nodded his head, and then glanced around them again. "Well… How about some street food? There's some spots nearby, I think today is when the Yakitori vendor is set up!"
Shizuo honestly didn't feel hungry anymore, but he realized what Arata was trying to do. He wanted to help Shizuo feel better. It wasn't working, but he genuinely appreciated the effort. Which is why he allowed himself to nod and reply,"Lead the way, Arata-kun."
Less than an hour later, Shizuo found himself sitting with Arata in a nearby park that was like a forest in the city. The trees hunched over them like guardians, with the gentle breeze making them sing. The day was still young, and the place was mostly empty except for a few people.
Shizuo half heartedly took a bite of his steaming Yakitori, and suddenly realized how hungry he was. He took a few quick bites, relishing in the taste.
"This is really good." He looked at Arata, who was settled on the bench next to him, and smiled. "And this park is really pretty. It's just what I needed."
Arata gave him a shy smile and took a bite of his own food. They sat in relative silence until they finished eating, but it never felt awkward to Shizuo.
Once they had put their trash away, Shizuo turned his gaze up to the trees. His eyes watched the swaying branches for what felt like an eternity before he felt a gentle hand grab his. He jolted slightly, and turned to look at the young man next to him.
"Osata-kun, are you okay?" His lover asked him in a quiet voice.
The genuine worry in Arata's tone was the final crack that the dam holding his emotions back needed. He burst into tears and hunched forward, burying his face in his hands and letting it all out.
Arata didn't say anything in response to his sudden outburst of emotion. All he did was place a hand on Shizuo's back and rub small circles. It was a comforting gesture, but all it did was make Shizuo cry harder.
"Arata… Something is wrong with me… My brother was trying to help me, and now I've hurt him again! Why can't… Why can't I just be good?! Why do I ruin everything?!"
"Osata-chan, I'm sure that's not true…"
Shizuo sniffled and wiped tears and snot on his sleeve. "It is! I hurt everything I care about!"
Arata tilted his head. "Well, I'm sitting right here. You haven't hurt me yet, have you?" He grew a teasing smirk. "Or are you just keeping me around for a good lay?"
Shizuo couldn't help himself, and let out a wet laugh. But the glee he felt was quickly soured by his own dark thoughts. "With the way I ruin everything, it probably won't be long before I do…"
His companion's smirk vanished and he scooted closer, squeezing Shizuo's hand with his own. "Want to tell me what happened?"
Here it was, another chance for the debt collector to stop being a coward and tell Arata his real name. His budding affection for the man made him want to tell the truth, but the memory of the director's harsh words changed his plan.
"My brother is… Well he's very kind to me. I've been very depressed lately, my life hasn't been very good. He's tried so hard to help me, but I always turned him away. But he had a… a business trip here, and asked me to come along and get out of Tokyo. He thought it would do me some good. And it didn't… At least not until I met you."
He glanced at Arata to see his reaction, but the raven haired man was merely staring at him with a slight blush and gentle red eyes.
"But my brother's boss… Well, he hates me. He's tried to exclude me, and my brother recently suggested that I should stay here for the trip if I preferred it here. But when I went to get breakfast today, I heard them arguing. My brother wanted to quit if they made me leave, but the boss was threatening to sue him if he broke the contract."
Shizuo began to shake and hug himself. "I was so mad at the boss for making my brother choose, and when I think about what my brother asked me earlier it makes me wonder if he wanted me gone too… So I told them they didn't have to argue anymore, because I wasn't going with them. I was staying behind. Then, I grabbed you and ran… and here we are."
Arata remained silent as Shizuo calmed himself down. He wiped the remaining tears off his face, and shook his head. "I'm sorry, I- I shouldn't be burdening you with my problems. We barely know each other and now I'm telling you all the ways I fucked up…"
To his surprise, the pianist quickly poked him in the shoulder to stop his ramblings. When he looked back at his lover, he found those red eyes staring at him sternly.
"Don't put words in my mouth, Osata-chan. You are not burdening me. I'm not annoyed that you told me, I'm annoyed that you feel that way about yourself at all."
Shizuo raised an uncertain eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
Arata's hand gripped his tighter. "Like you said before, I don't know your life story. But it sounds to me like you don't have the best confidence in yourself, and your environment isn't helping that. Your brother's boss is just an asshole, there is no reason to treat a person like that."
"But-"
"No, I don't want to hear it! It's not your fault he's like that, and just because you were a tag along doesn't mean he has the right to treat you that way and threaten your brother. If he remains that way to his employees and their family, he won't have many people on his side for very long!" Arata quickly declared.
Shizuo nodded slightly, and then lowered his head. "But my brother… It's been so difficult for him. If he was trying to make me stay behind yesterday, I wouldn't blame him. All I've done this whole trip is ignore him trying to help me feel better."
Arata made a thoughtful noise. "Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but you won't know that for sure until you talk to him, will you?"
"I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that…" Shizuo muttered,"I'm a coward, Arata… Surely my brother will see that now."
The raven haired man's hand moved upwards, resting on Shizuo's shoulder as he pressed a discreet kiss to his cheek. The debt collector eagerly leaned in, enjoying the feeling until his lover pulled away.
Once they had separated, Arata gave him a soft smile. "I think you're very brave, Osata-chan. A coward wouldn't have approached me, a coward wouldn't have stopped your brother from being threatened by his boss. You're brave and kind. I know you can do it."
Brave and kind… How many times had his friends and Kasuka tried and failed to tell him the same thing? Yet somehow, Arata's gentle declaration was all he needed to begin believing it.
All of a sudden, Shizuo felt his phone in his pocket begin to buzz. He knew who was calling without even having to look. "Ah, that's my brother I bet…" He muttered softly.
"Are you going to go talk to him?" Arata asked him hopefully, his crimson eyes shining.
Shizuo made a thoughtful noise. "Hmm… I think I will… But I have to do something first."
He turned to fully face Arata and pulled him into another kiss, relishing in the feeling of the man's soft lips before he pulled away and let his thumb stroke the man's cheek. "Thank you, Arata-kun."
Arata had turned a bright red, and his fingers hovered over his lips. "I… You're welcome, Osata-chan."
The pianist used his crutches to help him to his feet, and let out a heavy breath from the effort that it took.
"Will you be alright?" Shizuo worriedly asked his lover.
Arata gave him a thankful smile, but shook his head. "Don't worry, this isn't far from my apartment, I'll be fine. You go talk to your brother, okay?"
Shizuo nodded, feeling more confident in himself than he had in a long time. "I'll see you again soon, Arata-kun."
"You too, Osata-chan."
The two lovers seperated and headed towards their destinations. After he spent a few moments wandering through the park, Shizuo managed to gather the bravery that Arata claimed he had, and open his phone.
As soon as he pressed the button, Kasuka answered the call. "Shizuo? Shizuo are you okay?" Kasuka asked, sounding more frantic than Shizuo had expected him to.
"I'm okay, little brother." He replied, and took a deep breath. "But I think it's a good idea for us to talk."
He heard his brother release a sigh of relief, as if he wasn't sure what Shizuo was going to say. "Yeah, me too…"
"Okay, I'll be back at the hotel soon." Shizuo promised.
After he hung up, Shizuo couldn't believe what he was going to do. After years of avoiding it, he was finally going to have a real conversation with his little brother. It wouldn't have been possible without the encouragement of his raven haired lover.
Arata… The thought of the beautiful young man sent his heart soaring once more. I think I'm going to stay here. If I do, maybe… maybe you and I can become... something more?