Sunshine.
Natasha felt a big ray of light urging her eyes to open. And when she did, she almost got blind. It was as if the light wants to pull her to another dimension or something and she honestly found it hard to not squint considering that her head wants to split in half because of the hangover.
She was just aiming to avoid the morning exposure that's why she tilted her head to the left, using her right hand to cast a shadow upon her face. Finally, she was able to open her eyes without having to squint too hard, but she nearly staggered back at the first thing she saw right after that.
Something touched her cheek when she aimed her head to that direction. Like spikes, but softer. She didn't mind it at first but when she was finally able to get a sight of it, her heart contracted and the next thing she knew, it's pounding so damn hard.
As if it doesn't get like this every single day.
Steve was originally leaning on her head before she woke up, and because of the abrupt movement, his head fell on her shoulder. Luckily, he didn't wake up from the sudden bump, or else she better wish she'd be eaten by the soil if he ever sees her with a puffy morning face and stinky breath.
He nuzzled closer to her, adjusting the crook of her shoulder to his temple by pulling her hand.
Her hand that heholds.
Nat was dumbfounded yet again. It only made her heart complain all the more, finding her hand laced with his. However, she tried her best not to move, and then wander her eyes all around the room without moving, careful not to bother his sleep.
Thor and Bruce were all over the floor, together with a few broken bottles of beer and scattered trays of snacks that they had yesterday night. She can hardly remember anything, and although she tries, it just makes her head ache. Her last memory is laughing at a dead-drunk Clint when he got picked up by Scott in his bigger form and nothing after that. She's well aware that she's seated on the floor beside Steve and they're leaning by the couch while in front of a low table where the snacks and liquor stood. But as to why they're holding hands and their heads leaning by the other—she doesn't have an idea.
For a moment, a couple of clouds managed to cover the warm sun and she had the opportunity to look at the guy beside her without any distraction. It's indeed an unfair moment, because she had no choice but to smile. Who wouldn't? The view of an asleep Steve Rogers first thing in the morning? Golden. And she's not even kidding about that. Hisgoldenlocks framed the shape of his face so well, two sets of thick eyelashes paired with slightly creased eyebrows defined his proud nose, and the subtle red colour of his lips glistened in her eyes, making him so beautiful to look at.
Unfair.
If he was the one who woke up first and her saw her... would he think the same way? Would he decide to stare at her like the way she stares at him now and wait until she opens her eyes? Perhaps not. Natasha knows herself. She isn't beautiful when she's unconscious. She is totally outrageous and crazy and ugly and maybe even crying about her shortcomings in life. Probably sleeptalking. She can make a guess now that she confessed to Steve last night but pray to God she didn't, or if she did, it better be gibberish and unclear.
"Even if you heard it, you'd still see me the same way." She whispered. A brief moment of recollection. She has tried to tell him how she really feels and she has been trying since that day she confirmed to herself that she will either ride with him or die with him. Death is always the penultimate possibility for someone like her, and she chose not to waste a single moment. She always wanted to tell Steve, but his eyes will forever be stuck in that compass. Heart will forever be held byhis best girl.Mind will forever look forward to that dance he missed almost a century ago. She even had a wild, bitter guess that since they have the time machine now, Steve won't think twice about going back to the past—to Peggy. Perhaps after this fight with Thanos is done, and if they win, she will have to accept never seeing him again.
That's the most perceivable truth, and as much as possible she doesn't want to let him go without knowing how she saw him for the past few years—how much he meant to her. Heck, she actually doesn't want to let him go. Ever. And that's for a fact. But the choice is not hers to make. The only move she can make and choice she can take is at the very least, to let him know what she really feels. At least that way she will not have regrets in the future. Unfortunately for her, however hard she tries, she can't. The words will fall down her lips but it is either that Steve is not listening, he's asleep, or she's confessing to the air, hoping that it would send him a message.
Maybe he loves her.He does.But not the kind of love she wants. He sees her as a friend. A partner. Someone who has been beside him for eleven years now and has always been there through thick and thin and yet surprisinglynevercaught feelings. Believable, right?
She can only breathe it out now.At least she tried.And as long as she can try, she will.
After that moment, the air moved the clouds and bits of the light was there again, twinkling, until it went on full blast one more time, as if it's trying to combat the light that America's golden boy radiates. Now, it's all over Steve's face, specifically his closed eyes, and he had obviously been disturbed. So Natasha brought her right hand up and slowly...gentlypositioned it a few inches away from his face, just to cast a shadow there and help him sleep a little more.
She didn't know that she's smiling all along, refusing to let go of his hand, too. Her face is so close to his that if she wants to steal a little kiss, she can. That might even be the closest thing she can do to replace a love confession that has always been postponed.
It's just a kiss,she thought,it won't hurt.
And so she hid her lips in a line, inhaling. When they're already soft from being pressed, she pursed them and slowly went closer to his lips. One smack and it was done, but now she couldn't bring herself to go farther. The feel of his breath against her skin felt so right. Her eyes were all on him to even realize that the door opened and three familiar footsteps approached.
Natasha and Steve's position were facing the door, so anyone who would enter will see them first. She was lucky to have her hand covering Steve's face. At least they saw nothing of what she did. But still, they knew what was going on.
Clint Barton and Tony Stark stepped in first.Perfect.Tony who makes jokes about everything and Clint that always teases her about Steve. Behind them is Scott, who—though he may not admit—fully understands just what her gaze towards Captain America means.
She realized it already too late that the room has been occupied by three more. Natasha wiggled her way out of Steve's grasp. Face burning bright red. She'd already caught sight of three smirking men before Steve's head fell because of the absence of her body beside him. Before he could hit the floor, she pulled a pillow from the couch and positioned it on her lap, catching Steve.
Now she made things more awkward than they already are.
Tony was obviously amused of the situation that he even had to hold his breath before asking her. "So... do you need help or do you need time?"
"Help me,"she mouthed. Clint wiggled his eyebrows at her and she already knew where it was gonna lead.
Scott transformed to his miniature self and climbed up to Steve's nose, tickling it. Thankfully, he finally came awake and as soon as he went up, Nat confined herself farther away, returning the pillow back to the couch and acting as if nothing happened. She's trying her best to avoid Steve's eyes because aside from her face is puffy, it's red. It's swelling from so much embarrassment. Rogers is obviously clueless as to what is happening and he wanted to see her face—if he'd trust anyone to tell him what's happening, that's her. But she cleared her throat, turned her back away and excused herself.
"I'll just go to the lavatory." She walked furiously to the said place.
Tony, Scott, and Clint—having been asked for help—did their best to act normal. Clint woke the two sleepyheads on the floor while Tony yelled to Nat as she walked away, just to make it appear normal.
"Come upstairs for breakfast!"
All of them boys went up the building to enjoy a post-hangover meal together with the others who will join them in the time heist later. They need to sober up and they need the energy because they're going after the stones today. Natasha purposively arrived late, when she knows that they're already done with their meal. She had already showered and freshened up while thinking of all the possible reasons she can tell the guys as to why they saw her and Steve in that position. She used the elevator up and while walking the way to the dining hall, she bumped with Tony who wiggled his eyebrows at her just like Clint did earlier. To her surprise, he didn't mention anything or whatever and just continued walking past her. When she opened the door to their dining area, the only person left there was Clint, obviously waiting for her. He still hasn't eaten his food.
She sat next to him. Her best friend will always know the drill even when she doesn't say anything. She started eating, though, trying to dodge any question that came with Clint's playful glances.
"You already told him, didn't you?" Barton asked as she bit on her sandwich. Natasha almost chocked as she burst into laughter while shaking her head.
"What?! Why?" He followed up.
She chewed and swallowed first before continuing her laughter. She even fought it hard because she had to drink water.
"What would I tell him? He looks good in the morning?"
"Well, does he?" Clint smiled smugly.
She threw him a crumpled paper towel. "Shut up."
"But really though, what happened?"
"I don't know..." she finished her slice. "I was drunk, you know?"
She didn't quite get why Clint looked at her differently after she said that, as if he knows something that she doesn't.
"You'd tell him tomorrow?" He asked right before she can. Maybe that's what he's thinking about all along. Her secret that only her best friend in the world knew.
"Yeah... I will," she replied almost quietly, still finding it in her to finally confess. She knows she won't. Again. But thinking about it already felt nostalgic.
The look on her face and the expression of her eyes is something that Barton has already memorized. She's saying that now, but he knows she won't do it. Natasha is all kinds of brave but love makes her afraid above all.
Her love for anyone is the single thing that makes her fragile.
"No, really, Nat. Tell him." He protested. "Look, if Laura was here—if the kids were here, they'd tell you the same thing. Even Wanda will. You've given all your life for us without really having one--"
"We'll get them back, Clint," she cuts. "And when we do, I can listen to all of your bickering about my love life so you won't have to do it alone."
The smile that crept on her lips infected Clint, making him hopeful as well. This was the sole purpose of this day: to get back everything and everyone that they've lost in the snap. There's no reason to be talking about negativity when they will in fact be filled with joy right after this.
Eventually, the two of them had to split up, too. Natasha dolled herself up already, but the boys still haven't. Some of them though, and that includes Steve, are already done, and if it weren't for the mirror that she faced, she wouldn't have noticedhimwalking in her room. He's already wearing a fresh pair of clothes apart from what he wore last night. Nothing's changed. He's still so stunning.
"Hi," he greeted when they locked gazes at the mirror. Nat didn't know yet how to react. Her elbows are up the air and she's practically yanking the top of her head in an attempt to start a braid from there. She looks awkward right now. But awkward would have to go a long way compared to what happened earlier this morning. Her tongue is actually beginning to freeze right now because he will surely seek clarifications to the situation that occured a couple of hours ago. And she isn't ready for this.
Steve continued walking until he was a few steps from her place, she's still not moving. She looks like an idiot, seriously. She wasn't even able to utter at least a single syllable as he approached her, instead, she kept her arms up while following him using her eyes.
Talk about being obvious.
As his steps got closer and closer, her heart hammered harder inside her ribcage, almost as if hinting to her that he's gonna reveal the reason why they woke up like that earlier. Or worse, this is the time when he rejects her in a nice way. And she isn't even sure if she really did tell him anything while she was drunk.
The soldier got another chair from beside her and sat on it, and for the love of God, Natasha doesn't want to breathe this awkward air. It's still a mystery to her as to why she never got used to this certain feeling of uneasiness in her heart whenever Steve is around. There'd always be this kind of time when he will do absolutely nothing but just sit beside her like this or smile at her and all she can think about is telling him the truth; the truth that she doesn't ever want him gone in her life, and that she'd like to keep him close for as long as time permits. Yet at the same time, she relentlessly prays in her mind that there'd be a distraction or something that could make him leave the room, just so she can feel at ease again.
That is exactly what she feels like right about now. He's sitting close to her and smiling sweetly as he watched her struggle with reaching the back of her head in an attempt to continue the braid. A few moments more and she was still unsuccessful. Steve stood up from his chair and went behind her only to steal the comb and ties. He started fixing her hair in the braid she's trying to do.
Surprisingly, Natasha felt fine with this. She didn't start burning her cheeks and her heart steadied instead of complaining more. Looking at his reflection in the mirror put a smile on her face, seeing that he's enjoying it so much.
"Do you even know how to braid?" She asked, almost chuckling. Steve shot his eyebrows up in a bragging manner while showing her the parts of the braid he had done successfully.
"You know that I'm a soldier, right?" He said in a matter-of-factly way.
She rolled her eyes. "And I am not a rope."
"Of course not. I'm just trying to be better at this. I'll do it for my daughter eventually." He finally tied the ends of her hair and laid it by her shoulder. It fell perfectly on there. "So, not that bad, huh?"
A smirk began to form on her face as she saw the job well done. He's obviously better at this than her.
"It's fine," she replied, giving him a bitter smile after hearing him mention a daughter.
He's really planning that life now, isn't he?
Steve proudly stared at it for a while before coming back in front if the vanity table where he returned her comb and spare hair ties. And when he sat back to the chair, he knew that was the time he had to do it. He was just about to glance at her but the redhead's emeralds were already admiring his sapphires.
His throat unexplainably went dry when he looked at her. It was like seeing her for the first time. He had to swallow just so he could speak but in the middle of saying her name, she intervened.
"Nat--"
"Listen, Steve--"
They both didn't get to finish their sentences because it got mixed up with the other. Nat bit her lower lip as a reflex to stop her from talking while Steve just simply had his breath taken away by her presence. He doesn't know how to start this. And she doesn't know if she's doing this right.
Both of them moved on after three seconds, but got in each other's way again as they said "you first" in sync.
"No, you first," Steve insisted, being the gentleman that he is. At least that way he'd have the time to gather his breaths. Right now he feels like the serum isn't running in his veins, like it's also taken away. He feels like that skinny Brooklyn boy who's too dumb to give up on a fight he can't win. Everything came back to him in a spur of seconds and he doesn't remember being this vulnerable and frail. Not until today. Not when he knows that she's consciously watching and is taking all of this in her memory bank.
Natasha chortled. For an unknown reason—she just did. She had to find a release. She had to convince herself that this is all going to be good. And if it doesn't, then she'd move on and laugh when she remembers it.
This should be the last time she keeps it to herself. All of the wasted times and moments when she almost told him how she really felt is currently haunting her. Add those up to the countless words her friends had tried telling her just to build her courage of letting it all out. They've been there, pent-up for longer than she cares to admit. And now should be the time her stacked bravery be released in a flood of feelings.
But it didn't seem to be the right time to tell him.
"It can wait, Steve," she replied to him instead. "After we get all the stones, and we get everyone back, I'll tell you."
Her breath failed her for a minute there. She had to pause for a while and yet when she came back, she offered a much bigger smile. Something that symbolized hope.
"It just doesn't feel like the right time to tell you. And besides... time travel lasts only for a minute, right?" She even added, convincing him that she'd really tell him when they get back.
They're currently in a war. The earth is ending in a way that no one ever liked. Telling him her feelings now would be selfish. It would be exactly like when she tried to convince Bruce to run away from being an Avenger and just live a normal life. She knows that Steve will never choose himself first, and that same thing goes for her, too.
Taking the thought off her mind had to be done with a little fidgeting so she stood up from her chair and fixed what she used as she asked him. "What about you? You were telling me something."
Steve stood up like she did, and answered the same thing. "It doesn't feel like the right time to tell you, too."
She giggled in response, not taking her eyes off of the organizers and drawers of the table. She doesn't want him to see how much it tears her apart thinking about he aftermath of her confession. It would be a rejection, for sure.
Or maybe not really.
In the middle of battling with her thoughts, Steve snatched her left wrist and nonchalantly pulled her to his chest. Her nose gently bumped exactly to the partition of his torso. He let go of her arm, then put a hand at the back of her head, the other embraced her waist.
His scent invaded her breathing in an intoxicating way, like it was inviting her to stay in his arms forever. Nat's small hands travelled to his back and she didn't know what else to do aside from clasping his shirt inside her fists. In the same second, he squeezed her firmly. Hugging her in the tightest way possible while remaining gentle with her small body. She doesn't want to give meaning to what he's doing, but the way they held each other meantsomething elsefor sure.
"When all this is done, you'd tell me?" He whispered against her head, which she answered with a nod. She can practically feel her tears wanting to get out but she wouldn't want to wet his shirt that's why she held them back.
Steve chuckled. One that he made sure Natasha heard as he put his chin on top of her head. "I'll be waiting, then."
"It will only take a minute," she replied, muffled, her face is still pressed against his chest in a lingering embrace. "I just don't want to be unfair to the others."
Their hug lasted for longer than she expected. And if anything, her fears and insecurities were replaced by hope and assurance. She's not dumb to not know that Steve means to say something that intends more than just this partnership they have.
And feeling his heart beat against her own, jiving in the same rhythm as hers drew a bittersweet smile on her face.
She doesn't exactly know why he's doing this. Steve never hugged her, not even when she was breaking down and her tears are flooding the room. But now, he's holding on to her as if his life depended on it.
Was it an ultimatum? Was it the start of a new spark between them? Was it a goodbye? They really didn't know. They didn't know until they were stepping as part of the circle with the other avengers, dressed in protective white and red suits. Steve was counting on this to succeed. To get their family back. And when everything is finally put to place, he will for sure, grabthatlife.
Hislife, who stared at him excitedly at the moment, displaying a toothless smile on her face. Theexactsame smile she gave him when they said their first hello. And yet now she opened her mouth again to tell him the last thing that they will ever hear from her.
"See you in a minute."