Thank you for the reviews.
First off, Happy (now belated) Birthday, Em. I hope you had a wonderful day and I hope that you enjoy this. I want to also thank you for your support and for all the lovely, lovely things that you have said about me over the last year or so. Trust me, sometimes it is needed.
Right, so part 2 of this and from the beginning of this, I think you'll understand why, originally, Eddie's part was going to end at S04E20. Mainly because we are picking up Rachel's POV from there... eventually...
And you know all those random tweets about my hatred from Adam, leading to me forgetting about his existence unless I need a villain is because of this...
PART TWO: RACHEL
She never wanted to admit it but Rachel always felt like she had to prove herself. For example, she felt like she had to prove that she was just as clever as the other kids in her class despite her being one of the youngest. Or the big dreams that she had to be a scientist or to have a job in some other male dominant role, she could achieve. She wanted to prove that she could do anything anyone else could do.
But she would have liked her parents to support her in her ambition. Not to tell her to leave them alone as she attempted to show them that she had got full marks in her spelling or maths test or even the homework that she had struggled to do by herself.
And she assumed that as the work got harder, maybe they would pay more attention than. She assumed that the older Melissa got, the more their parents would split their time.
Little Amanda Fenshaw learned the hard way that her parents were never going to pay attention to her. No matter how good she was or how well she was doing at school.
Although she couldn't blame her parents. They worked hard for their money that they had, both working two jobs. They just didn't have the time. Maybe one day they would.
That was until her mom was killed when she was hit by a car that jumped a red light and her dad turned to alcohol to cope.
They suddenly went from four sets of income over two people to nothing and with Amanda being the oldest, she had to step up. That's what she thought at the time, trading to do a girl in the year above's homework if she would help Amanda look older.
So, at age 14, Amanda got her first job.
Just before her 15th birthday (and after her exams), she got her second.
At 17, she was looking for a third when the job of a lifetime was offered to her. A job that she knew was too good to be true. What job could offer a thousand pounds a week?
And it wasn't an easy environment to leave. It was like she had signed her life away to her bosses, the only real relief being the odd day off here and there.
She was planning for an escape. She had signed herself up for a part-time college course, attempting to get her A levels so that she could continue her ambitious ways.
Then there were the raids.
The raids were good and bad.
Good as they gave her a way out.
Bad as it seemed like her face became the face of the raids.
Melissa hated her for it. So much so that she told her that she didn't want to have a sister anymore if she was going to whore herself out.
And so Amanda left, with the plan of leaving that life behind and becoming more than the whore.
She fell into teaching by accident. She had met with a careers adviser at the college and she had spilt her whole life story to them and how she didn't want anyone else to go through what she did. And all the adviser said was 'have you ever thought about being a teacher?'. She said no but it sparked her interest as did the recruitment drive.
And a new life called for a new name. So, she left behind Amanda Fenshaw, the forgotten about whore, and became Rachel Mason, a woman who could change the world if she could.
Maybe her ambition was always too big and at the wrong time but there was a part of Rachel that loved when she was right, always having to prove to her male counterparts that she deserved to race up the ladder as she did.
And starting at Waterloo Road was no different, with her becoming accustomed to having to prove her worth before anyone really respected her.
Until Eddie Lawson.
Sure, there was her first week where she was certain that he despised her, but his attitude changed quickly, and they fell into a quick friendship. She hoped that the only blip in that friendship would be when she contacted Allison for him. She still wasn't 100% sure why she did it. Or why she gave any parent a chance after hers did such an awful job.
Then entered Stuart Hordley.
Rachel almost told Eddie that day and maybe if he had asked her whether she was okay enough, then she might have done. Because she needed someone by her side.
And he was, once he got over himself.
And she knew that she should have kissed him when he punched Stuart for her.
There weren't many men that Rachel found herself wanting more from. She only went on dates to keep Melissa happy (who was only in her life if Amanda wasn't mentioned). But Rachel found herself wanting more from Eddie and she found it rather cute how nervous he was when he asked her out for drinks at the end of term.
We should have got those drinks.
That and wondering how the hell Eddie kept her in her job were two of the thoughts that plagued her as she laid in her hospital bed. And whether he was going to visit her.
Maybe if he had visited her, she would never have leant on Melissa like she did and stupidly call her an ally to Eddie. She knew that, if she hadn't already broken his heart by saying that there was nothing between then before the fire, then she did it with that comment.
Not that she did want to break his heart. She just didn't want hers to be broken as well. She had hoped to return to a friend, not a boyfriend. She wanted his support and his love but not in that way. She wanted the man that just seemed to know her and what mood she was in and what she needed him to do. She didn't need him to declare his love or the fact that there was something building between them. She knew that. She just wasn't ready for it when he was.
And that decision meant that she pushed him into Melissa's arms. And she had watched, and she had tried to be happy for them.
It was Steph's comments that broke her.
We all had bets that it would be you and Eddie that got it together.
How was she meant to say how she thought so too? How was she meant to say that she saw what she was missing out on? How was she meant to say that she knew that she was meant to be in Melissa's place?
Stopping them from getting married was a relief and it felt like the third worst thing that she had done to Eddie in the last couple of months. And she hated that she was dragged into things as well.
It's me or her.
Rachel couldn't wait for the answer, knowing that she would only hear her own heartbreak if she had to hear him choosing Melissa. Because Melissa seemed like the better choice, bar the bigamy. Rachel only caused him misery.
But he had run after her and shouted her name and then asked if they could talk.
They went to a bar rather than the local and they talked about things, skirting around what they should have spoken about.
And then he ignored her over the Easter break. Not that she really blamed him. She had been his main source of misery and she did believe Eddie when he told Melissa that he did love her during their argument. Rachel could see Eddie being the sort of person who fell in love with people quickly.
She did want to say something when he confessed to her that he was only with Melissa because he was lonely but he didn't give her the chance and she didn't quite think that he wanted to hear that she understood how he felt.
And yes the bowling was her idea. And yes it was meant to be a bit of fun for all three of them. But Rachel knew that she would have to thank Philip for accepting his better offer. Because she was sure that everything that happened that night wouldn't have happened if Philip was there.
And the kiss had taken her by surprise while also feeling like it was a long time coming and the three months that she called Eddie hers (admittingly, most of them in secret) were the best in her life. And she was finally allowing her heart to rule over her head and she never wanted that feeling to end.
But when did life allow her that happiness?
If she thought that Melissa was living her life with Eddie before, it was even more evident when she returned five months pregnant.
And how that crushed Rachel.
If there was a solution, then Rachel couldn't think of it. And the more she thought about it, the more she realised how awkward the situation was and how the easiest thing to do to sort it all out was the hardest thing she ever had to do.
I love you, Rachel.
Those words were words she thought that she would never hear from anybody and she was sure that he gave them and said them wholeheartedly, but the timing was wildly off. How could he say that when they were saying goodbye?
But then again, she had said them back to him.
And she was glad when he talked about leaving because one of them would have to.
Her heart didn't just break that day. It splintered, feeling like the emotional pain had turned into physical pain in her chest.
It was later, when the car park was empty, and Rachel was reassessing the damage that she almost let it all out.
"Rachel?" Kim said softly.
Rachel turned to see Andrew with her. They had come back together just as Rachel and Eddie fell apart.
"Come on. You need a friend." She continued.
The refusal was there, willing to fall from Rachel's lips as she caught sight of Eddie's car leaving. The last time she would do so.
Then the idea of a friend sounded like a good one with wine sounding like a better one as Kim tried to sweeten the deal for her.
"What about Andrew?" Rachel asked.
"Well, we will need someone to make sure we don't run out of wine."
With Kim's arm wrapped around hers, Rachel felt like she didn't really have a say in the matter. But was revealing all to Kim the best way to go?
Rachel's pain had turned into numbness but as the wine flowed, with Andrew always keeping their glasses full, she could feel herself having the breakdown that she thought she would have in private and it surprised her how she didn't stop the tears from falling.
"Kim, what have I done?" Rachel whispered as she closed her eyes with the first tears making their way down her cheeks.
"It's not too late," Kim said, probably to sound encouraging or hopeful.
"It is." Rachel said, looking at Kim. "No one filled you in?"
"Fill me in on what?"
"Melissa's my sister. What would I be to that baby? It's stepmother or auntie?"
"Oh, I-I-I..."
"I expected Steph to fill you in."
"I think she was a little busy helping Matt."
"Things were too late when I pushed Eddie away instead of being honest with him. I should have told him that there was something between us, I just... Wasn't ready at that point. And I ended up pushing him to Melissa and I don't blame him. She has always had more confidence than me and has always been the more likeable one."
Rachel could just feel herself getting more upset the more she spoke, and it was clear that Kim never expected her to be this way. Miss Mason was the woman with the hard exterior. Rachel was a lot softer in that aspect.
"Can't you tell?" Rachel said.
"Tell what?" Kim asked as Andrew topped up their glasses.
"That I've never loved someone like I love Eddie."
And it was hard to admit. Of course, she had fallen in love before and she'd had her heart broken but she had never felt like it could be impossible to live without someone before. But that was how this breakup felt.
It felt like it was going to be impossible to live without Eddie.
Oh, how stupid had she been?
The knock on the door and Philip standing there with a number of bags wasn't really what Rachel was expecting halfway through the summer holidays. As nice as it was to see her nephew, she was sure that this was more than just a fleeting visit. Which made her think about what Melissa had done now and, therefore, about Eddie.
"Philip." She said, her voice wavering slightly.
"I can't do it, Rach. I can't live with her." He shifted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. "Y-y-you said that I was always welcomed."
"Of course. Of course." She said, opening up the door more to let him in.
Philip seemed to relax when she said that and entered her house with a smile on his face. She helped him get all his stuff into the house and up the stairs. And as much as she knew that he would be a reminder of how badly she had messed up, she was just grateful that he would bring some noise to her rather quiet house (with her finding herself blasting the radio more often than she would have normally done to drown out the silence).
"Umm, Philip, are you going to be okay tonight?" Rachel said once they had moved him back in and they settled in the kitchen. "Just I am going out tonight."
"Going out?"
"To introduce Kim to the new deputy."
The way that Philip shifted summed up the way she felt about it. And it was why she had tried to not think about it in that way. It was why she had tried to forget that she was ever in a relationship. It was why she was, once again, strongly against workplace relationships (for herself, not others).
"Didn't she help you find him... or her?" Philip said.
"No. No. It is my decision after all."
Again, Philip shifted at her words and she couldn't help but feel like there was going to be double meaning in everything that they were going to say to each other. Because if there was one person that knew exactly what she was like around Eddie, then it was Philip.
"Well, I plan on being on my best behaviour this year."
"Glad to hear. Although, this merger just seems like it is cause for trouble. Don't worry, I am not going to ask you to ask everyone to be on their best behaviour."
"Good. No one would listen to me."
"I would love to just... know that the year isn't going to start off with any problems."
"Rach, it's Waterloo Road. If something can go wrong, it will."
Rachel couldn't help but agree with him.
"Ah, Tom, what can I do for you?" Rachel said, trying to be as cheery as she could be. Something she could tell took Tom by surprise.
"I was just making sure you were okay." He said. "I was going to ask at the interviews, but it didn't seem like the right time. And I didn't really know what to text you."
It was rather sweet of Tom and Rachel saw it for what it was. It was just too late. Because Rachel had spent the last six weeks distracting herself with the merger to try and not think about Eddie bloody Lawson on the first day back for Tom to bring it all up before the bell had rung.
"I'll be fine, Tom."
"You don't have to be. I think it was clear to see how much he meant to you. We all knew how much you meant to him."
"I have no one else to blame but myself. I pushed Eddie away and I brought Melissa here. No one else to blame but myself."
"Fine. But you know where I am if you need me."
Right then was the only moment that Rachel wasn't happy about the merger. Because she looked to the new intake for her new deputy where maybe the perfect person for the job was the man who she had stuck into Pastoral Care and was now the new Head of English.
But she hadn't really thought of Tom as a candidate as she was looking for someone who wasn't like Eddie. For someone who cared about the kids (obviously) but wasn't overly caring. Someone who would only disagree with her on occasions.
And that was why she chose Christopher Mead, who had just joined them in her office. Because she hoped that Chris and Kim wouldn't argue like Eddie and Kim did and help make the merger a success.
But only time will tell to see if that was possible.
Max Tyler was the sort of man that Rachel liked to avoid.
There had been far too many Max Tylers in Rachel's life but she felt like Max was in competition with one of her bosses that used to run the brothels with how harsh he could be and Rachel could just feel the control that she had slipping through her fingers. She knew that she was in control of her own destiny but she felt like she could lose control of the one thing that she had left. She couldn't lose control of Waterloo Road.
And so the war had begun.
And Max seemed to be winning battles that she didn't even know she was fighting.
Like Kim.
She didn't realise that they were fighting over Kim.
And, because of that, Max was winning.
Shock and confusion followed after she had seen them kissing and she was sure that it was the reason why Kim was so full of praise for Max.
If anything, she wanted to talk to Kim about it. After all, Kim was the first person she told that her and Eddie were dating and that was because of the respect that she had for the other member of her management team. That was even before Eddie had the chat about whether they were doing English or American dating.
And so Rachel came out with it before Kim could give her another reason as to why her and Max looked close in her office earlier.
I saw you and Max together, last week, after school.
Rachel was sure that Kim was meant to tell her. And it was none of her business but it did just feel like it was another way that Max was trying to manipulate the situation. Rachel felt like she was losing support and the tensions were only rising between her and Kim.
Which is why she leant on Chris and why she wasn't going to let him resign or step down when he blurred the boundaries with a pupil.
If anything, he knew Max and she needed some sort of ally (even if she had lost the only ally that she would ever have needed).
And as horrible as the Lindsey James situation was, it did feel like it was the only thing that she was in control of. Even if Max was trying to give control to Kim. It was why Rachel was so grateful that Lindsey confided in her about the abuse. Because she hoped that it was the girl starting to trust her.
But everything we came to a head between her and Kim and Rachel was sure that Max had, yet again, manipulated the situation
Rachel, why can't you trust my judgement?
It was a weird situation that Rachel found herself in, arguing with one of the last people she thought that she would have found himself arguing with.
Rachel wasn't going to say anything about what Chris had told her about Max still being married but the moment that Kim said about being in love with Max (which under normal circumstances, Rachel was sure she would have been fine with), she knew that she had to say something. As a friend.
Which, with Kim already on the defensive, was taken completely the wrong way.
I am not going to wreck my relationship because of some twisted hate campaign that you've got for Max.
Maybe Rachel had been too vocal about her hatred for Max but she had wanted to ask her about the campaign that Max had against her. However, as always, there was a distraction. Maybe one that just about stopped them from ruining their friendship completely.
Which was horrible.
A few months ago, Rachel was crying on her shoulder about Eddie and now they could barely be in the same room together.
It was something that she tried not to dwell on. Because if she thought about how much she was losing Kim, the more she wanted Eddie back by her side.
So whatever happened to have Max on her doorstep later that day wasn't welcomed. More so when he threatened her and even more so when he had her backed up against a wall (with it being one of the times when Philip was out as well). As someone who actively put herself in difficult situations, this was the one that she enjoyed the least, feeling rather vulnerable.
Don't play the victim, Rachel. It doesn't suit you.
Rachel wished that she wasn't but it seemed like an impossible thing today. She hadn't felt as vulnerable as Max left her feeling for a while and she wasn't sure that she was glad that Chris picked up on it or not. It was nice to think that Chris was in her corner but she didn't need another deputy that charged in to defend her honour. She was more than capable of doing that herself.
And maybe Rachel should have known what was going to happen with Helen. It was clear that if she was a teacher, she just wasn't a Waterloo Road teacher.
Something that was proved the day of her inspection. And maybe it was something that she should have expected from Max as Helen was 'handpicked' by him but she didn't quite think that Helen's parting gift to her would be what it was.
But it gave her a chance to bite back.
It gave her a chance to be in control again.
I am the head of this school. You'll do well to remember that.
Maybe it was only a momentary thing.
Maybe it would come back and bite her once Max had finished licking his wounds.
But for the moment, Rachel could believe that things were changing and in her favour.
Things with Max weren't exactly sorted out in the way that she had planned. Finding out that he had hurt a student, let alone Philip (who had hidden it from her), definitely stopped her from walking out and giving in to Max. Although she never expected that Steph would be the person to try and stop her from walking out the back door.
And maybe she did think that it was the end of things with Max.
She shouldn't have done.
Maybe she hoped that it was the end of things with Max.
But as the wine flowed and Chris said something about having her school back, she couldn't help but believe that it was all over as she started to talk shop.
And she knew that she was intoxicated but she was celebrating.
Max had obviously drowned a few sorrows. It wasn't like he had a few over the day.
If Rachel is being honest with herself, everything with Stuart Hordley felt like a lifetime ago. From him walking into her office to the day he told everyone her secret.
And her past used to hurt her. She had allowed it to hurt her many times.
But Stuart's reveal sort of felt like the plaster had been pulled off and it didn't matter anymore. Whether that was because no one could use it against her again or just that Eddie made her see her worth but Max's words didn't hurt her like they usually would have done.
Out of interest, how much does she charge a member of staff?
Maybe she shouldn't have allowed Chris to punch him but it was quite satisfying after everything had happened with Max.
Maybe she should have questioned why her deputies liked to jump in and save her from comments like that.
Maybe Chris gave her an answer to that.
Do you normally, sort of, jump in like that for damsels in distress?
Only when I fancy the damsel.
That was it.
Of course, that was it.
Eddie fancied her so punched Stuart and Chris fancied her so punched Max.
And she knew it was a bad idea. She even told Chris that it was a bad idea.
Yet she still found herself in the back of a taxi, with Chris, heading to his, kissing him.
All she knew was that this wasn't going to end well.
Rachel blamed it on the alcohol.
She could do that, couldn't she?
Blame the fact that she was lying in Chris's bed with him still fast asleep next to her, with her feeling rather undressed under the covers on the amount of alcohol that she had drunk.
Despite her better nature (yet again), Rachel looked over at Chris and she could feel herself regretting the decision more.
Maybe she should have just taken it for what it was. It was the first time that she'd had sex since Eddie. It was the first time that she thought about being with someone else since Eddie.
But there was a heaviness that came with that and, even though she knew that her and Eddie weren't together, she felt like she had cheated on Eddie.
She had traded Eddie in for a younger model. And not just as her deputy it seemed.
The more adult thing to do would have been to wait for Chris to wake up to talk about it. To sort things out before the start of term.
But she didn't.
And either Chris was a heavy sleeper or she still had the skills that she had picked up during her less desirable job, Rachel managed to find all her clothes and slipped out of the bedroom into the open planned part of Chris' flats to get dressed.
It probably took her longer to find a pen and some paper to write Chris a note than it did for her to get changed. She wasn't totally heartless in that sense.
I'm sorry. R
Rachel almost left the note like that until she realised that she was about to leave Chris a note that she would have left Eddie.
It, of course, was something that Eddie had started. And before they got together. She would always leave notes on Eddie's desk, signed with her full name and he would always come into her office, just to say that he knew what her handwriting looked like and if he was in any doubt that she hadn't written it, he would ask her. That became the running joke between them until Eddie started leaving notes for her that he just used to sign it with E. Rachel didn't go to him just to check it was him, she went to check what it actually said. But, from then on, any notes that they left each other, personally or professionally, were signed with the initial of their first name.
It was their thing.
Meaning that Rachel grabbed the note, writing the rest of her name before she left.
She didn't answer Phillip's questions when she returned home and she turned off her phone to stop Chris' calls.
Maybe she should have cleared the air with Chris but she felt like she was burying a lot more than her regret. She was trying to bury the memories and love she had for Eddie Lawson and it was not going well.
Shaken.
That was how Rachel felt.
It was too close. Far too close.
And she didn't need Chris' lecture.
She needed a man who she had pushed away.
She needed comfort.
She needed someone else to be strong while she wasn't.
And it was how she found herself sitting in her living room at three in the morning, unable to sleep, twisting her phone around in her hand.
Could she call him?
Should she call him?
Because she knew he would come running.
He would always come running back to her.
"Rachel?"
She turned to Philip, the worry clear in his demeanour.
"You okay, love?" She said, placing her phone on the arm of the sofa.
"Shouldn't it be me who is asking you that?" He said as he sat down on the other sofa.
"Phillip, it's late..."
"Call him. Even if it's only for a night."
"I can't."
"Why not? You know that Mum has never deserved him."
"Have I?"
"Yes." Phillip sighed. "He... he was the best thing that has ever happened to you. I have never seen you that happy before."
"So you know it won't be just for a night. And I can't allow Melissa to... used the baby as bait. To keep Eddie with her. He has a second chance. It is just with her instead of me."
Rachel was sure that Philip understood more than Melissa ever would have done. But that wasn't hard to do. It just meant that Philip understood and didn't mention about calling Eddie again.
Because it would end in tears again at Rachel was sure that she had her heart broken enough not to reopen that wound.
Adam Fleet.
It was a name from her past.
Actually, there wasn't much difference between Adam Fleet and Amanda Fenshaw.
But it could be the same guy from secondary school, could it?
Adam was a common name but Fleet wasn't, was it?
And she thought that she would never find out after he was a no show. But with Kim saying that he could be in the canteen, there was only one way she was going to find out, leaving Kim to deal with an upset Michaela.
And it was.
From the double-take that he did to calling her by her old name to her calling him by his old nickname, Rachel just couldn't believe it was him.
And maybe she needed some familiarity in her life. How often was an old friend going to walk back into her life like Adam had just done? And Adam had been a good friend to her. Maybe he would be again.
So maybe she gave him more opportunities to wow her than she did the others and maybe she was inspired by his enthusiasm that she gave him the job a little hastily but after losing so many friends, she was glad for one.
And he waited for her after school and they went out for drinks that turned into a meal as they seemed to have so much to talk about. And she told him about her change of name and why it all came about. He was one of the only people that knew something about her home life. It was just expanding on some of the points that he already knew.
Maybe she should have seen it. Maybe not before when they were silly teenagers but she should have seen the way that his face lit up when they got on to the conversation of whether they had partners and she said that the only man in her life was her nephew.
And maybe she should have guessed that something would go wrong on his first day.
She just didn't expect that to be that she would be locked in a cupboard in the canteen with Adam.
And they never get the girl.
Rachel wasn't ready for that conversation but that was also the same time that she found out that she was locked in the cupboard. It meant that they were going to have that conversation at some point. Unfortunately sooner than Rachel would have liked.
I thought you and I were friends.
She tried to laugh it off. She tried to make it seem like she was glad for him as he explained all the little changes that he had made because she had unknowingly rejected him all those years ago. It seemed strange that he did all these things for someone that he might never see again.
She was sure that, without Kim's interruption, Adam would have kissed her. And it just brought up way too many memories for her.
So much so that she could tell that Philip was worrying about her again.
Avoiding Adam for a couple of days helped her organise her thoughts and a weekend of Philip cooking for her and making her drinks at random intervals made her go in at the beginning of the week to tell Adam that Phillip was going to be out of the house on Wednesday night and they needed to talk about what happened.
Adam didn't realise what he had done wrong until she told him. His apology sounded heartfelt and she was willing to draw a line under things. She hinted that she wasn't ready for a relationship and that she would rather that they were friends for the moment. There is no way that she could tell him about Eddie. Maybe in the future but not now.
And so there were friends again and she loved being friends with him.
I mean, tell me, when was the last time you had some fun?
Why did her mind instantly go to a bowling alley where she flirted through a game with Eddie?
That memory had gone down as one of her favourites was also being the moment where she knew that she was truly happy. She was truly happy laughing and flirting with Eddie Lawson.
But she wasn't going to tell Adam that and just allowed him to believe that she was the fun sponge that he thought she was.
I think you need to leave Miss Mason at work occasionally and just be the old Rachel again.
'Be Amanda you mean' was what she had thought at the time.
She got that Adam didn't understand and maybe he would never understand why she left Amanda behind and became Rachel. But she understood why she was Miss Mason all the time.
Because she had been Rachel around Eddie and she had been vulnerable around Eddie. She couldn't afford to be that vulnerable again. Not when she could get hurt again.
But she was willing to go with whatever plan Adam had after he left the post-it note on her door, thinking that she at least had to see what stupid thing he had planned (and stupid was the word she used. Not ridiculous. Eddie was ridiculous).
He had transformed the sixth form common room and said that he would get her away from school. She had argued how they were away from school in the school for him to say something about baby steps.
A movie that they have watched years ago. It was a clever move from Adam. And a bad one. He was trying to remind her of what she had been and maybe she wished that he could see what she had become.
Are your moves from the 80s as well?
She laughed at the stupidness of it all.
She laughed to break the tension.
She laughed because it seemed like the right thing to do.
And she wasn't ready for anyone new but Adam wasn't someone new was he?
And it was always going to be a battle of wills between them, with her only wanting friendship and Adam wanting more.
I just didn't want to be alone anymore.
That is what Eddie confessed to her after Melissa disappeared and she knew that is how she felt.
Maybe she was mourning her relationship with Eddie because she knew now that she didn't have to do it on her own anymore.
Was taking the leap with Adam a bad thing to do?
She decided no and as his arm was already around her, she had to take it to the next step, leaning over to kiss him.
If only there was the same spark that ran through her as it did when Eddie kissed her for the first time. Maybe she would have believed that it was the right thing to do.
Another day. Another argument.
Maybe it was going to be a battle of wills between her and Adam about everything.
And she apologised. Because she was in the wrong.
Why do you do it? Keeping everyone at arm's length. Not allowing yourself to rely on anyone. Why?
It wasn't like she was going to tell him the truth. Because that would mean that she would have to explain Eddie and how much she relied on him for him to vanish off into the sunset with her sister. And she would have to explain that she didn't trust Chris and her reasons for that. And she would have to explain everything that went on between her and Kim.
So she blamed the school, saying that she couldn't make mistakes. God forbid, she had already made too many and she didn't want to add Adam to that list.
You and me, Adam, it scares me.
And, of course, he wanted to know why.
So Rachel picked on what Adam was pretty much saying to her. That she was a control freak and that she must be awful. It was probably the moment that Rachel should have realised that the battle of wills was because they were both fighting for control.
Eddie only fought her for control on her first day because he thought that he was going to be in charge and was shocked by her appointment. And he had only pushed her out of her comfort zone once.
Adam seemed to be doing it constantly.
He seemed to understand when she talked about putting her life into boxes. And she was still trying to close the Eddie box. She was at the start of something new with Adam. She should be able to close that box.
I've forgotten how to be in a relationship, yeah.
Liar. You've forgotten how to be Amanda.
I didn't even want one before...
Finally telling Adam the truth.
... Now I do, I do...
Another bloody lie.
... And I know that I'm making a mess of it.
Too right she was and Adam seemed to counter that with that he wasn't going to hurt her. How could he say that and how could he say that he could say it?
She was sure that Eddie never meant to hurt her. In fact, she had never meant to hurt him. They had both hurt each other and it hurt that they were apart because of it.
And hadn't she and Adam already hurt each other enough since they had been reunited to have the conversation that they were having.
And Adam told her what he wanted to be around the corner for them.
She knew it was coming.
Rachel, I just want to spend the rest of my life with you.
His nerves made her nervous. It was the only way that she could describe it.
And, well...
Did she want him to get it's over and done with or did she want him to prolong it? Did she want him to give her time to accept what was happening? Did she want a big speech or did she want him to keep it short and sweet?
I... I want you to be my wife.
Was she glad that he didn't actually ask a question?
It was easier to lie to a statement, wasn't it?
She just had to agree, didn't she?
No one else was going to ask her, were they?
She could give Adam a chance, couldn't she?
And with a yeah and a kiss, she accepted something that she never thought was possible. Because she never thought someone was going to love her enough to want to marry her.
And, in no time at all, it was the big day. And of course there were hiccups along the way with Ruby and Rachel only wanting a small wedding and Adam becoming moodier and moodier about that.
Maybe she should have put more faith in Chris but it seems like, only at the last minute, that Chris thought about what was happening with Finn.
Of course, that led to another argument.
And of course, Adam almost didn't show up.
And she was glad that he did.
And she was glad that Chris sorted things.
But Rachel ended up leaning against one of the pillars next to the mains doors, looking out onto the car park and playground, wondering how she got to the position that she was in.
And, despite what people thought of her, she didn't jump at the chance of the headship at Waterloo Road. She knew the school by reputation alone and there was a part of her that wondered whether the challenge was too big. The mountain too high. Her ways not ambitious enough.
But, despite the fact that her secret came out.
Despite the burn on her chest.
Despite all the heartache.
Rachel would do it all again.
She would always pick the headship at Waterloo Road.
And that was what was eating her up inside. That she could look into the car park/playground and just play out all the memories that she had of her and Eddie.
Was it cheating?
Was she already committing adultery?
There was only one thing that she could do to stop the memories and stay completely true to the vows that she had said to Adam.
She had to leave Waterloo Road.
And, in the moment that she had to herself, she started the ball rolling. She called the LEA representative for the area and left a voicemail for them to call her at their earliest convenience about her position at Waterloo Road. She knew that she would probably get a call over their honeymoon but she hoped that it would be something that Adam would allow her to take the call for.
It was just too bad that Kim heard her.
"What was that?" Kim asked.
"I can't stay here." Rachel said, using the same words that Eddie had said to her a year ago.
"If this was about earlier..."
"Kim," She said, interrupting her. "I can't stay here. For Adam sake. I am his wife now." She hesitated for a moment. "Can you cheat with memories?"
Rachel could tell that Kim was confused about her question but it was slowly making some sort of sense.
"I don't know," Kim said.
"Maybe I don't want to find out."
Rachel knew Kim wanted to argue it but it was clear that Kim remembered how she had said that she had never loved anyone like she loved Eddie.
It was a sticking point and she was sure that she could never tell Adam about Eddie. Because how could she say to a man she just married that she was still mourning the loss of her last relationship?
Kim obviously realised that and left Rachel with a 'whatever you think is best', leaving her to her thoughts and memories.
Adam was the next one to find her, saying that they might as well have their first dance as newlyweds as the prom was starting to finish.
And that was where Rachel felt would be the best place to tell him of her decision.
Because they could make it work, couldn't they?
All the time that they were away, they were fine.
All the time that they were away, she didn't think about Eddie once.
And as they were called back to Manchester for Dex's first birthday, they had news of their own.
And both Rachel and Adam were overjoyed with the news that she was expecting.
The plan was to come home before the birth, but Isobel surprised them by being two months early, born in a foreign country and them having to pay a lot for the care that Isobel needed.
Coming home, for Rachel, was more a necessity than a want.
She needed to be around people that would support her.
But coming home seemed to be the problem.
Rachel having her full attention on Isobel seemed to be a problem.
It wasn't her fault that she didn't want to go through what Eddie did, her heart jumping out of her chest whenever the doctors and midwives mentioned SIDS.
The cracks were showing. And even Kim mentioned it to her when they kept each other company during the day, with them both being between jobs (although Rachel assumed that she was officially on maternity leave even if she didn't have a job to take the leave from). Rachel knew it was a bad thing if Kim was noticing. Because it probably meant that the midwife and paediatrician could see it as well.
But Rachel thought that Isobel was a good thing. She was going to keep Rachel off work meaning that she wasn't going to argue with Adam about being a workaholic. Rachel knew where she was needed and Isobel needed her.
The last thing that Rachel ever wanted for Isobel was to be part of a broken home.
It just didn't turn out that way and Rachel was sure that she was still in shock as she zoned out whilst Adam and his bit on the side got his things out of her house.
She had tried, hadn't she?
She had tried to be a good wife.
Was that not enough?
It was how Adam pulled her out of her thoughts and asked her for another chance. For another go of their marriage because they could work through it. She didn't know who was more offended; Her or the other woman.
Rachel just told him to get out and that the next time she saw him would be with a solicitor to sort everything out. From the divorce to how they were going to co-parent with Isobel.
Adam's controlling nature was brought to the forefront as Rachel was attempting to get in order how she wanted the divorce to go when the decree nisi dropped on her doorstep, with Adam saying that she was the one that committed adultery.
If that was the way he wanted to play it, then Rachel was going to fight back.
It made for a very messy divorce. Messier than Rachel had intended. And the fight over Isobel was the worst, with Adam accusing Rachel of being an awful mother and stating that he didn't feel that Isobel was safe with her.
There were only two things that Rachel decided that she was going to fight for; Isobel and the house that had always been in her name.
Kim put out the cry for help. For anyone that knew Rachel to step forward to give her a character reference.
That took a whole two days in court and reunited her with so many people that she hadn't realised how much she had lost touch with people. Especially when Phillip took to the stand.
She hadn't seen Philip in so long and to hear him passionately tell the judge that she wasn't just the best auntie but the woman that he wished was his mum made for a very emotional reunion when she could wrap her arms around him.
But the reunions kept happening. From Tom and Chris and Matt to Bolton and Emily James and Denzel Kelly. Even Rose Kelly had something good to say about her and less good things to say about Adam.
An overwhelming amount of support.
But, then again, that was Waterloo Road.
That is what Adam never understood about the school.
That she could put out a cry for help and there would be so many people willing to help her.
And she was sure that's what helped sway the decision for her to be in primary custody of Isobel.
Adam wasn't happy in the slightest and even as she tried to bridge the gap between them, saying that they will get something sorted so he could have Isobel at regular intervals, he snapped.
Are you bloody happy now? You've taken everything away from me! This is all down to you, Rachel. Why couldn't you have just changed? I did.
Rachel didn't say about what she felt like she had given up for Adam. Mainly because she didn't feel like he deserved to hear it. He had obviously always wanted her to be someone that she wasn't.
And so walking away from him wasn't hard.
Actually, it was the easiest thing that she had ever done.
"There is someone..." Phillip started.
Rachel was sure that the only reason he didn't continue his sentence was because of the look she gave him.
"No," She said.
"For all we know, Mum might have disappeared again."
"For all we know, they could still be playing happy families."
"I don't think he would have gotten over you."
"You make it sound like I have." She said as she folded the last t-shirt in the pile and knew that her next task was to get the washing into the right drawers.
"Then why Adam?"
Rachel knew that she could turn to Philip and say that she was still asking herself that question but she felt like he knew with a look.
"Then I'll give you this then." He said, handing her the envelope.
She was sure that she eyed it suspiciously but there was no way that she wasn't going to take it off him to find out what it was, opening it the moment it was in her hands and pulling out the invitation.
Dear Miss Mason
We would like to formally invite you to the Waterloo Road reunion on the 18th of August from 2:00 PM.
Please RSVP and children are more than welcome to join.
Regards Waterloo Road leavers of 2009 and 2010
Rachel didn't have to say any words, her head already nodding with agreement.
"Good." Philip said, "Because we want him there as well."
It was strange how she knew that he had arrived. How the atmosphere in the room had changed and the hairs on the back of her neck picked up. Not in a bad way. But she knew that Eddie was there.
And she expected to be the first person that he walked over to, with a little boy in his arms (who must have been his and Melissa's child) and Michael's hand in his.
So she turned to him when he reached her, showing off her own little one as well.
"Hello." She said, feeling so relieved that she could say that to him again.
"Hi. Rachel." He said.
It was like she could let out this sigh of relief that he was there. And the biggest smile rose on her face as it did on his. They hadn't seen each other in three years and all they did was standing there and smile at each other. That was until Michael piped up, almost running into her legs to start telling her about everything that had happened, with her half-listening to what the eight-year-old was telling her as she was sure that there was more to it than what he was saying.
"Who is this little one then?" Rachel asked once Michael had seen Phillip and ran over to him.
"Come and then mate," Eddie said, bouncing the boy to encourage him.
"Ollie," Ollie said, sounding very shy about it.
"Well, this is Isobel," Rachel says turning to her daughter, noticing that she wasn't acting as shy as she usually did around strangers. "How is Ollie with others? I think we need to talk."
With Kim practically pulling Isobel out of her arms and saying that she would be under supervision of Ollie, mentioning about introducing him to Dex, Rachel took Eddie to one side for them to catch up.
She let him go first and he explained how Ollie may not have been his child to how Melissa had upped and left him to how he was really enjoying being a single father and how he promised Ollie that he would meet her one day.
In turn, she told him about Max and everything that happened between her and Kim to everything with Adam and Isobel and the divorce. She started crying when she said about how Adam wanted custody of Isobel and Eddie waited until she had finished explaining to cup her cheek and wipe away the tears with his thumb.
"I'm here now, Rach," Eddie said.
And Rachel couldn't stop herself from falling into his embrace.
Somehow, it ended up that Rachel went back to Eddie's that Saturday afternoon and was still there 24 hours later when the doorbell rang and Michael's mood changed.
"That's going to be Mum." He said, the disappointment that the weekend was over clear in his voice.
Rachel couldn't help but feel the same way and it was probably how they came to the conversation that they had. Because her heart broke at the fact that she would have to, eventually, break from Eddie's company to head home herself. She didn't want to do that. Even if it was only temporarily.
"He hasn't got another one," Alison said as she entered the room.
"I wish." Rachel said before she caught herself. "I've just had it rather difficult with Isobel's actual father."
"Oh."
"I'm not with him. The father."
"But does this mean that you two are back together?" Alison asked as Eddie joined the conversation.
"Alison, we've only been reunited for 24 hours," Eddie said.
"So?"
Rachel held her arms up so that Isobel could get her balance before she started to wander around the room, making noises that only Ollie seemed to understand as she joined him.
"Well it isn't like we are starting from the beginning, is it now?" Rachel said.
"Maybe not," Eddie said. "But we do have more to think about." He gestured to where their children were playing.
"More to think about or two people that don't need any more change in their lives, meaning that a quick decision would be better."
"Rachel Mason, are you suggesting that we pick up where we left off?"
She bit her lip. "Maybe even a step ahead." She let out a laugh. "You were practically moved in any way."
It was clear that it was the advancement in their relationship that Eddie hadn't expected but, as she explained to him later, maybe she was tired of waiting around for the right moment. Or maybe they had been handed the right moment by being brought back together.
"Then maybe we need to decide whose house is best." He said.
And once the kids were in bed, later that night, they weighed up the pros and cons of each house before they wondered whether there was anything in the area that would suit their needs.
It was just the moment that they smiled at each other that made Rachel certain that she had made the right choice to fast forward things with Eddie and she couldn't wait to make it all work.
Ten months.
That is how long she had been back with Eddie before Adam made his first appearance.
The man who wanted to be Isobel's father so badly that he was willing to take her away from Rachel was a rather absent dad who never kept to the plan.
He also just happened to appear on her doorstep, ranting about the fact that she had moved, on Isobel's second birthday. A Saturday, as he was entitled to, but just the wrong Saturday. As her and Eddie had spent weeks planning the weekend of activities for Isobel, making sure that Michael could join them. And Adam wasn't listening to her as he pushed past her with Eddie stopping him from going into the kitchen to get Isobel.
"Who the hell are you?" Adam said, giving Eddie a push.
"Eddie. You must be Adam."
"I'm here for my daughter."
"Rach?" He said although she was sure that he already knew the answer.
"Adam, it's her birthday." Rachel said.
"Exactly I want to spend time with my daughter," Adam said.
"He is entitled to see his daughter." Adam's new girlfriend said (Rachel didn't care enough to ask her name).
This probably would have been the point where Rachel would have usually given in to Adam if he hadn't already walked out the door with Isobel but it seemed like Eddie wasn't going to allow that, stepping back only to check on the children before he grabbed the front of Adam's jacket and pushed him out of their house.
Knowing the lengths that Eddie would go to in protecting her, Rachel grabbed her keys off the side and closed the door behind her. Although, maybe she should have left a three and two-year-old in the kitchen by themselves. Although, she trusted that Eddie wouldn't have left them in a dangerous situation.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Adam said as Eddie let him go.
"You were starting to upset Isobel," Eddie said/
"Gives you no..."
"That is my house as much as it is Rachel's. I didn't want you in there."
"Well, you've got yourself a hard one there. You'll never keep her happy."
"No. She never kept you happy." Eddie said as Alison's car pulled up. "I'm just happy to be in her life."
"Eddie." Rachel said, more to make him aware of his surroundings than as a warning that he was saying the wrong thing.
Eddie took a breath before he turned to Alison and Michael. "Alright mate? You don't mind keeping an eye on the little two do you?"
Michael seemed to look between all of them before he nodded and Rachel let him into the house, with her wanting to follow as she heard Isobel's cries.
"Rach, next weekend? For the whole weekend?" Eddie said.
"You aren't dictating this," Adam said.
"Adam!" Rachel said. "You're not having Isobel this weekend. So either you can pick her up next Friday afternoon and drop her back next Sunday afternoon or not at all. It isn't my fault you can't keep to the arrangement"
"You'll regret this," Adam said, pointing at Rachel before he left in a huff, his girlfriend following.
Rachel could only close her eyes as she let out a sigh of relief. It was the first time that Adam didn't get his own way. It was the first time that she felt like she could actually fight back against him. It was the first time that she didn't spend the next hour or so crying her eyes out that he had taken her in such a way or feeling sick for the whole weekend, wondering if he was going to bring Isobel back.
"Would you have let him have her?" Eddie said as he turned to her.
"Eddie." She breathed.
"You would have."
"Yes, because I wouldn't have been able to stop him from walking into my house, picking her up and taking her. I've always wanted to give him access to her but..." She stopped to place her hand over her mouth to stop herself from crying.
Eddie walked up to her and just wrapped his arms around her. She hoped that he now saw the battle that she had with Adam and with his last words, she was sure that it was starting again.
"Eddie, I can't lose her to him." She said against his chest.
"You're not going to."
Adam just wouldn't let it go.
They came up with plan after plan. From every other weekend to that and every Wednesday.
All Rachel wanted was not to go back to court.
This could be sorted without going back to court.
But back in court they found themselves, with Adam going for full custody again due to Eddie's behaviour.
"It was Isobel's birthday." Rachel said.
"And wasn't Mr Fleet allowed to see his daughter on her birthday?" Adam's solicitor said.
"Yes but…"
"I don't think there is a but there." He said, interrupting her.
"But he turned up, unannounced, after not seeing her for a year. I think I have been more than reasonable. If Adam wants to be a father to her, I am more than happy to come up with a plan for regular visits and times that he can have her, so that myself, Adam and Isobel all know what is happening, but I am not prepared for him to be an ad hoc father. Either he's in her life or not."
"And Mr Lawson's behaviour?"
"He's protective. In the right way. Adam was upsetting Isobel and Eddie didn't want that to happen."
"Is Mr Lawson playing dad to Isobel? "
"As much as Adam's... other half would play mum if he had Isobel." She scoffed. "Are you suggesting I can't date? That I can't have anyone else in my life? Of course, Eddie is going to become something to Isobel because he is something to me. I am not going to split my life into my boyfriend and my daughter and keep them separate to please Adam."
From the moment that Rachel described Adam as an ad hoc father, she knew that they were going to try and prove that he wasn't. And with it seeming like they weren't going to back down, the last thing that Rachel wanted to happen happened as Isobel was brought into the courtroom by a social worker and handed to the judge. There was nothing more that Rachel wanted to do than jump out of her seat to comfort Isobel as she started the telltale signs that she was about to start crying. Eddie told her later that he was equally having a hard time staying in his seat.
"It's okay, Isobel." The judge said, turning her around so she was looking into the courtroom.
"Mummy," Isobel said when she saw her, holding up her arm so that Rachel could take her off the strange man.
"In a minute, Isobel. Is your daddy here?"
"Daddy." She said pointing at Eddie.
Rachel's heart couldn't have swelled more at that and she could tell that it had affected Eddie in the same way by the way he held onto her hand and swallowed.
"Not this gentleman over here." The judge said, pointing at Adam.
"Scary man."
Rachel looked over at Adam and as much as she knew that he had brought this on himself, she couldn't help but feel sorry for him while being so sure that he had lied to his brief about not being an absent Dad.
"Miss Mason, would you like to take your daughter?" The judge said.
There was nothing better than having Isobel in her arms as the judge ripped apart Adam's case, saying that he felt that Rachel had been more than accommodating.
Rachel just hoped that would be the end of it.
And it was.
Adam decided that he wasn't going to get his own way that he will continue to be an absent father. Maybe, for Isobel sake, Rachel wondered whether he would at least send a birthday and Christmas card but Rachel became less disappointed each time there wasn't one. Isobel had a great father figure in Eddie (and maybe Rachel should have realised that Adam didn't care anymore when he signed the papers to change Isobel surname to Lawson with no arguments. Just so things were simpler with granting Eddie the same access to Isobel that she could get automatically with Ollie by just being Eddie's girlfriend).
Eddie hadn't heard anything from Melissa as well and it seemed like they had no reason not to be together.
And as the kids seemed happier to see the birthday cake than she was, with Isobel and Ollie fighting to get onto her lap to 'help' her blow out the candles. She had one of them balanced on each of her thighs by the time Eddie had placed the cake in front of her and she had to hold back their excitement.
"Wait, we've got to make a wish. Silently." Rachel said.
Rachel already knew what her wish was going to be.
Because it might have been her birthday but she had a question to ask Eddie and something to give him (because she was so certain he was going to say yes).
And she smiled up at Eddie with that thought and she knew he was going to ask her what that smile was for.
"You. It is for and because of you." She replied.
Rachel never knew that she was capable of the level of happiness that she felt in that moment and every moment that followed it.
And their family setup wasn't traditional and Rachel would, at times, wonder if things would have been different if Ollie was actually hers and Isobel was actually Eddie's but she was certain that it wouldn't have been any different to how they were.
But then again, her and Eddie didn't like easy.
What was the fun and easy?
And there were many families like theirs (admittingly maybe not the part where Rachel was raising her nephew as her own).
And they made it work.
And it wasn't like Rachel was going to allow Eddie to walk out of her life again. Once was enough for her to declare never again. And she was sure that he felt the same way.
As much as Rachel didn't believe in the one or soulmates or little red threads connecting two people, she did believe that she was always meant to be with Eddie.
And that was enough to make her believe.