Jane got tortured by a terrible headache the next day. She hadn't slept much, because her mind hadn't stopped racing all through the night. Pictures of Maura had been tumbling through her head and mixing up with the things she had read about her and her husband on the internet. It had taken her ages until she had finally found her way into a restless sleep.

Weeks passed by and it got easier to deal with the feelings evoked by seeing Maura. The brunette had decided against a talk with the marshals, waiting for whatever might happen. Maybe, she thought, the girls wouldn't meet or like each other. She didn't want to wake up sleeping dogs as long as it wasn't necessary. She had done that once before when thinking that a former work colleague had recognized her and it had led to another change of identities and location. Too much fuss to go through if not really necessary Jane decided.

Jane talked to Lucy at least once a week and the girl kept filling Jane's life with loads of funny stories. The brunette was happy that Lucy was able to make friends easily – totally unlike herself. And soon her girl was invited to plenty of parties and sometimes to weekend trips with her friends. Jane kept wiring money to Lucy so that she could have the best life possible. Knowing that Lucy was grown up enough to keep an eye on her studies and manage her money reasonably.

She kept waiting for the name Clementine to fall, but it got harder to keep track, because the longer Lucy was at college the more she began using nick names. "And then fipsy spoke up and…" As she couldn't ask each time for the real names without raising any suspicions Jane listened in silence and just asked to verify who was hiding behind the nickname when she felt that someone sounded a bit like Maura.

It left her helpless sometimes. And she was glad when Lucy let her know that she was going to spend Christmas with her. Just the two of them, like it had been for the girl's entire life. When Lucy had been old enough to realize that they were not like any other family she had begun asking questions. This would have been a good opportunity to let her know about the witness protection program. But Jane couldn't bring herself to tell her and explained instead that their entire family was dead. Lucy never asked again and accepted the answer. Probably not thinking that Jane would lie to her.

Her family thought that she was dead. And Jane reasoned that it had been the best to do or say because curious teenagers tended to look for their families. She was afraid that these actions could bust their cover up. Hence it was better that Lucy didn't know that her extended family was still alive.

Lucy was going to be home soon, and Jane began with the preparations for her daughters visit. When she looked around the flat, she felt proud of herself for not changing her habit of keeping everything clean and letting herself go. Hence there wasn't much to do except for carrying the boxes with the Christmas decoration from the cellar up to her apartment.

R&I

Once Lucy spotted her at the train station a few hours later, she flew into her mother's arms. "Hey baby." Jane greeted her with a smile. Lucy told her to stop calling her that and giggled. "I'm not a baby anymore." She huffed and Jane laughed, stroking over her girl's head. "You will always be my baby, no matter how old you are." She winked which made Lucy whine.

They fell into comfortable silence as they drove home through winterly streets. Jane still wondering if her daughter had befriended Clementine. She didn't mind Lucy walking off into her room while she prepared some dinner which consisted of fried rice and vegetables – one of Lucy's favorite dishes. She was in the midst of cooking when her girl appeared in the doorframe.

"It smells heavenly. Man, I'm so hungry." Her daughter announced, padding closer to sit at the breakfast counter. Jane smiled at her while stirring the rice. "I would hope so. I made far too much." She joked and Lucy grinned. Despite Lucy smiling, Jane felt that the girl had something on her mind, that was bothering her. But knowing that she was just the same as herself, she waited for it to break out. There was no use to ask.

She watched Lucy fidget with the hem of her shirt and kept acting as if she didn't notice. It got harder to hold back any comments by every minute because everything inside of Jane wanted or needed to know. And patience wasn't exactly her virtue. She took a beer out of the fridge and removed the cap, taking a long sip.

R&I

They ate in silence, both feeling comfortable. The months of separation had done nothing to their routine. When they were almost done eating, Lucy spoke up. "Ma?"

"Yes baby?"

The girl glanced nervously around the kitchen, as if looking for someone to help her. "I'm gay." Lucy's eyes were directed on her plate as the words rushed out of her mouth. Not I think I'm gay. But just simply I'm gay as a statement.

Jane wasn't surprised and her hand reached out to stroke over her daughter's head. Chocolate eyes dared to glance up into hers, finding a warm smile. Jane wrapped her arms around her daughter and placed a kiss onto her forehead. "I will always love you. No matter what." She mumbled and felt Lucy relaxing, exhaling loud.

"But aren't you supposed to be mad or yell at mee? Saying that it was all just a phase I would grow out?" the girl questioned, and Jane chuckled, shaking her head. "No. Or yes, maybe. But I really think that it doesn't matter who you are with as long as you're treated well and loved. Love comes in different colors and sexualities." The brunette explained wisely thinking about her own feelings for Maura. The ones she had always hidden like her sexuality out of fear to be bullied or expelled from the family.

She thought as to how she had always been a coward and had feared to tell her parents that she was gay and was in awe for her daughters' openness. It showed that her attempts to raise her open minded hadn't failed. And she was more than glad to give her daughter the chance to be who she was without being judged.

Lucy gave her an unbelievable look and Jane chuckled again. "Come on." She nudged her daughter gently. "Don't act as if I was a dinosaur or out of this world." Her voice was slightly pleading, and Lucy nodded. "I'm sorry." She gave a low laugh. "I prejudiced you by thinking you would prejudice me." It was ironic, but Jane just shrugged it off.

"So, is there someone special?" Jane cautiously asked, lifting from her chair to carry the dishes to the sink.

"Not yet." Lucy said, rolling her eyes. "I just wanted you to know." She brought the cutlery and glasses to the sink and grabbed a dish towel to help Jane. "Can I ask you something though?" she said while taking one clean plate out of Janes hand. "Sure. Shoot!"

"You haven't had any relationship in years. At least not as long as I can remember. Why is that?"

Jane cocked her head slightly to the right side. Yes why? Obviously because it was too complicated, and she couldn't imagine to be with someone else than Maura. She would always compare them to her because Maura was the only one she loved. And wouldn't it be unfair for her partners to be second best? But of course, she couldn't say so to Lucy.

"There was someone I truly loved in a former life." She tried to reply honestly after clearing her throat. "I don't think I will be able to love another person like I did this one." The pronoun her almost slipped her mouth but she held it back.

"Why aren't you together then? Was it my dad?" Lucy asked, not daring to look at Jane who rarely talked about the time before her.

"No, it wasn't your dad. And it was extremely complicated. It would never have worked out."

Lucy made a pensive face. "Don't they say that if its true love you can make it work? Didn't you tell me that? Was it a lie?" There was a slight accusation in her voice.

"I didn't lie. But as you will find out you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. It hurts, but you get over it."

"You didn't." Lucy pointed out, hanging the dish towel over the handle of the oven to dry.

"It's far more complicated than that with me." Jane said and tried not to look sad. "The circumstances…" her voice trailed off as she was looking for words to mouth her thoughts.

"What circumstances?" Lucy crossed the arms in front of her chest and looked at her mother. Stubborn as she could be, she wouldn't give up until getting a satisfying answer and Jane sighed.

"I don't want to go down that road. Not now anyways." She said, thinking that Lucy must be grown up enough to understand. But what Jane understood was that Lucy had inherited another of her virtues. She wanted to help people which made her drill further and further with her questions.

"We can't fix this." She calmly said and smiled sadly, shuffling her hand through Lucy's hair. "But I have you and I'm happy with my life. So, don't try to fix what's unfixable." She winked. Her daughter huffed. "Maybe it's fixable." Her girl insisted.

"It isn't! Believe me!" Jane burst out, feeling how it got harder to calm her temper. "Don't rip this wound open please." She pleaded after taking a deep breath.

"Well, I'm no expert. But it looks already ripped open to me. In fact, it feels as if it has never healed to begin with." Lucy stated and pushed herself of the counter to go into her room. She left a kiss on Jane's cheek and said: "Think about it." And Jane watched her leave while taking another steadying breath.

It was tempting to talk with someone about Maura and how she missed her, but Jane told herself that Lucy wouldn't understand and talking about it would mean to rip far more bandages off than she was willing to rip off right now or maybe ever.