A/N: Thank you SO much for the wonderful reviews. I love that you liked it and it definitely motivated me to keep going.
So here's my attempt at writing something that is not quite smut and not quite love making, but hopefully something in between?
Enjoy!
At some point, she didn't know when, his coat had fallen to the floor and her pants had come undone. She had no idea whether she had done it herself or if his hands had been between them without her noticing. It didn't matter.
She inhaled sharply through her nose as he deepened the kiss again and ran his hands through her hair.
She would never admit it, but she had definitely imagined how it would feel to have his hands on her body, his tongue in her mouth, his fingers in her hair, but even after all this time she wasn't prepared at all. She realized then that she was completely at his mercy. And that had always been, and always would be the one thing that separated him from all the other men in her life. She trusted him with her entire body.
"Noah?" He said against her lips, immediately pulling her from her thoughts. He glanced around the apartment as if her son had just appeared out of nowhere.
"Sleepover."
The cheesy expression "the stars are aligned" popped up in her head then because her nights home alone were few and far apart. She was overprotective as a mom and she knew it. It came with the job, and also that part of her that wanted to give Noah everything she didn't have when she was a child. But coincidentally she had given in last night when Noah had asked if he could stay the night with his best friend from his class. And here she was, with no sleeping kid in the next room.
Suddenly she realized what that meant. And so did he.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
They stared at each other for a short moment and just as she was about to lean into him again, he grabbed her shoulders.
"Liv, we can wait. If you need to wait."
She bit her lip and felt a blush spread over her chest and cheeks. "I've waited for two decades, El."
His eyebrows raised slightly, even though he wasn't really surprised. It was just utterly surreal to hear her say those words out loud.
"But..." She started hesitantly. "Do you need to wait?"
She didn't need to explain what her question implied. He was a widower for Christ's sake. Suddenly the lump in her throat from before came back with full force and she swallowed hard, willing herself to hold back the tears that were his to cry.
"I... I can't say that I'm not feeling a sense of guilt. But I just..." He placed a hand on her chest, feeling her beautiful, wild heart beat fast and hard under his touch. "I want this. I've wanted this for so long."
"We can go slow." She whispered and placed her hand over his.
"When have we ever managed to go slow with anything." He grinned with tears in his eyes.
"Never." She said before she let out a soft laugh. "Well, except with this. We sure took our time with this."
"Let's do something about that."
Without warning she had her back against the wall and his hands on either side of her head. Elliot fucking Stabler was using his body to pin her against the wall and for a second she mentally pictured hell freezing over because this... This didn't feel real.
It dawned on her that there were no more barriers now. No moral reasons for why this couldn't happen. After all this time, together and then apart, she had denied herself so much. And then she realized, she just couldn't do it anymore.
"El..." She breathed against his lips.
"Hm?"
"I need..."
His tongue was back in her mouth and she felt herself melt into him. Her mind was blurry and if kissing him was this intense, she wondered how she would even survive something more.
"What do you need?" Suddenly his mouth was next to her ear and she whimpered when he kissed her right below her earlobe. How could he possibly know that was one of her most sensitive spots?
"Touch me."
He lowered one of his arms and slowly found his way under the hem of her sweater. She inhaled sharply when his fingers touched her stomach. When his hand moved upwards, she was abruptly caught between the desperate need for him to move higher, and the realization that when the sweater came off he would see her.
It had taken her years to accept the scars that were hidden underneath her clothes. And a small part of her probably never would. It was another reminder of how much time had passed, how much had happened since he left.
"Liv... Breathe."
She didn't realize she'd been holding her breath since his hand started to touch her skin.
His fingers moved tentatively back and forth just below her bra and she was battling the need for more, and the fear of revealing what she had been through.
"El..." She whispered before carefully clearing her throat.
"Something happened to me, a few years ago. I... I'm gonna tell you about it. But not right now, ok?"
He leaned back then and looked at her, a million questions written all over his face.
She decided to rip the band aid off, and in this case the band aid was her blue knit sweater.
It fell to the floor without a sound and she watched him watch her. She searched his face for a reaction to the scars that littered the lower part of her chest. She waited and braced herself for the questions she wanted to answer, just not right now. Right now she needed his lips back on hers and his hands back on her skin. Scars and untold stories be damned.
"You're beautiful."
Any other man would've gotten a quick scoff and an eye roll from those words that just felt so utterly cliché. But this was Elliot. Elliot was here, in her apartment, and he was calling her beautiful and accepting that she wasn't ready to tell him her story yet. He knew that this moment couldn't be about what had happened to her. Or him.
This needed to just be about them.
His lips were back on hers then and her mind was quickly getting blurry again. He did this thing with his tongue that made her stomach flip and suddenly she desperately and shamelessly wanted to find out what that tongue could do to other parts of her body.
As if he had read her mind he started to move and suddenly they were stumbling towards her bedroom, stopping only when the kiss got too deep to do anything else.
When they finally reached her bed his shirt had come off and she was currently tugging at her jeans. The time for appreciating each other's bodies and taking it slow needed to come later, because she was pretty sure a case of spontaneous human combustion would occur if she didn't get a release soon.
When she was left in only her underwear she started to work on his belt and she felt him smiling against her mouth.
"What's so funny?" She asked as the leather fell from her hand and landed on the floor with a thump.
"It's just... it's you. In your underwear."
"You've seen it before."
They shared a short laugh then as she had thrown them back almost 13 years.
"Yes. Yes, I have. Believe me, I remember."
"Shut up." She chuckled softly before she leaned in to kiss him again while she started to unzip his pants.
As soon as he had stepped out of his grey slacks, she pulled him against her and stumbled backwards until they were falling. His hardness pressed against her when her back hit the mattress and she moaned instantly.
She made quick work of getting rid of her bra, too desperate to feel his hands on her again to even take a second to worry about the fact that Elliot was about to see her naked for the first time.
She grabbed his hand and moved it over her chest, letting him know exactly what she wanted.
When his palm finally closed over her right breast she closed her eyes and threw her head back. He was gentle and firm all at once, moving like he had always done this, like he had always known every single part of her body, even the parts that he had never seen or felt.
Christ.
He shifted a little and moved his head down to her other breast, wasting no time before he closed his mouth over a hard nipple. Her hips lifted from the bed then, her body in frantic search for all the friction he could offer.
"El..." She moaned and spread her legs, accommodating and welcoming him with her entire body has he pressed himself against her.
Fast approaching orgasms wasn't really a thing in her life anymore, for far too many reasons she cared to dwell on, so when she already felt that sweet pressure build deep down in her stomach she was taken by surprise.
"El, take it off."
She clumsily reached for his boxer briefs and puffed when she couldn't quite reach them. Without removing his mouth he reached down and tugged them down. He was breathing heavily against her and every breath on her nipple sent her closer and closer to the edge.
When he finally managed to shimmy his way out of his last piece of clothing he moved his hand again and roughly pulled at her lace panties.
No, they definitely wouldn't be going slow tonight.
He kissed her fiercely and passionately as he positioned himself between her legs again and she felt herself getting dizzy just from the thought of what all of this meant.
"Look at me." He whispered against her temple before he raised his head and stared down at her.
She opened her eyes and stared back. Blinking a few times to remind herself that this was in fact Elliot on top of her. This was actually happening.
Their widened eyes were glued to each other as he started to fill her. "I love you."
It might've been her, or him, she didn't know and she didn't care.
"Fu-uh..." She breathed out and her eyebrows furrowed when he was finally buried inside of her, and she was forced to break eye contact because her body was starting to unravel beyond her control. It had been a while and she needed a moment to relax her body enough to adjust. She breathed through her nose with her eyes closed as she slowly lifted her hips up against him.
"Move." She heard herself say, and when he pulled out halfway before slamming into her again she cried out, partly because of pain and partly because of pure ecstasy.
They quickly fell into a rhythm that somehow felt so familiar that she almost, almost, forgot he had never been inside of her before. Maybe it was the thirteen years they had spent so close together, or all the times she had dreamt about him moving just like this.
Moments from their past flashed behind her eyes when he laced their fingers together over her head. Like he said in the letter, so many big moments that didn't seem big at the time. And she finally allowed herself to acknowledge that every single moment she had ever shared with him in one way or another had some greater meaning to it. From the first time he laid his blue eyes on her, to the day he left.
He left.
But he's here now.
She wanted it to last, she really did, but her body had been worked up since his return and she couldn't help but to move her hands down his back until they landed right above his ass and she pushed him down and as deep inside of her as he could go.
She rocked her hips against him and eagerly met his thrusts while they breathed each other's air, their open mouths just an inch apart. Kissing was impossible in this moment but that didn't stop him from biting down on her lip as she kept moving against him.
"El..." She moaned when he released her lip. "I'm gonna... Fuck!"
His lips curled into a short lived smile before he buried his head in her neck, and her hair that smelled like coconut just like it had ten years ago.
Her legs wrapped around him then and his muffled groan got mixed with her loud cries as they tumbled over the edge together.
She felt herself clench around him over and over again, and she couldn't get herself to stop moaning. He was breathing fast and hard against her neck and when he pushed into her one last time she threw her head back and whimpered as the tail end of her orgasm washed over and through her body.
For a long time they just stayed like that, her legs wrapped around him, his head next to hers, her hands on his body. She felt a tear slide down her face before she let out a much needed sigh.
And then she started to chuckle.
"What?" Elliot lazily raised his head to look at her with a crooked eyebrow and a questioning smile.
She laughed again and louder this time. "I was just..." but she couldn't finish the sentence before she burst out a third time.
"This isn't great for my confidence, Liv."
She kissed him then, but not without her body shaking against his with laughter still rolling through her. "I'm sorry."
She cleared her throat before she looked at him and smiled. "I was just thinking how awful it would've been if the sex had been terrible. I mean, all of this built up tension, so many years and then when it finally happened we would just be her like 'meh'"
She went back to laughing and this time he joined her.
"This is what you're thinking about? Really? While I'm still inside of you?"
"Yes!"
When the laughter finally turned into soft and short chuckles, he moved off of her and pulled her into his arms. "It was perfect, El."
He kissed his way down from the top of her head and down to her mouth and she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed like that, or felt this way. It wasn't happiness, their current relationship and their history was still far too complicated for that. She knew, and he knew, that they had a long way to go. Trust needed to be rebuilt, they needed to understand each other and they both had stories, good and bad, that needed to be told and listened to.
But, for the first time in a long, long time, she didn't feel completely broken.
A/N: Hey Dick Wolf, hire me already. I need to see this happen on screen. I need it for my sanity.