A/N: let the journey begin?
Ok I'm sorry this is all reposted. I effed up and yeah. So here's part 2 again...
Song: how to disappear completely (originally radionhead) but I was listening to the Ane Brun version. Definitely an angsty add to any playlist.
Lyrics:
In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here
——-OB——-
February 5th 3:48am
Olivia Benson's apartment
Olivia feels empty. That's the word for it. She's a hollow shell of her former self. She runs a hand through damp hair, wet from sweat as she takes in a deep breath trying to steady herself. She was grateful at least she didn't wake her sleeping friend who was around here somewhere...
[begin dream]
"Hey, there she is, those big beautiful brown eyes. So beautiful, give me a smile." She knows that voice, it's Lewis. He's back. "Still feeling a little woozy, huh?" He's lifting her now, she wants to scream, but there's tape over her mouth, and the taste of vodka is very pronounced on her lips.
"Don't scream, " he's in her ear now and she fights off the shiver working from her soul. "Or I'll shoot you, got it?" His lips are against her skin, and she wants to puke.
She nods then, whatever it takes to get a break from the irritating burn. The burn is only intensified when he rips the duct tape from her lips. She wants to scream out, and god help her she would if she could. Instead she spits at William, her disgust would get the best of her but in the moment she honestly didn't care.
"You know what, just shoot me." It's out of her mouth before she can think of what she's saying. His non reaction to her outburst only served to anger her further.
Suddenly she's cocooned in bed, wrapped in Elliot's arms. He's warm against her, and she can't see his face but she can feel him. "What are you doing here?" Olivia is confused, she was just with Lewis, and now…
Elliots chuckle was heartwarming, and everything else faded as his arms wrapped tighter around her. "Three years of marriage, and you still can't believe I'm here?" He asked, laying a kiss to Olivia's forehead.
She pulled away from him then, brown eyes met blue and her eyebrows furrowed as she blinked in disbelief. Elliot's looking at her like he's the luckiest man in the world and she just feels anger…
"My little lovebirds." Lewis, he's mocking her. Why is he here, in her safe space?
Olivia is on her feet then, she had managed to pull the sheet with her to cover what she realized would be her naked body without it. "How many fucking times do I have to kill you?" She's seething as she speaks, her chest heaving up and down, heavy with emotion. She's staring him in the eyes unwilling to waver.
But suddenly he's behind her, and he's whispering. "I'll always be with you Olivia…" he's laughing and Elliot is looking at her like she's grown two heads.
And she wants to scream and yell but she is silent and shaking and…
[end dream]
Olivia takes a moment to gather herself. She's home, safe, in her living room… this is definitely her couch. She must have dozed off watching "The Wizard Of Oz" because that's the last thing she remembers before that god awful dream. Amanda is sleeping soundly next to her, a bag of half eaten popcorn resting gently in her lap.
Olivia gets up as quietly as she can, careful not to wake her sleeping friend, and moves to her bedroom, closing the door quietly behind her. She's pacing as soon as the door is shut, her heart is still pounding from her earlier nightmare, and tears are streaming down her face without warning.
She's falling to the floor before she can help it, and her body shakes as emotion floods Olivia so violently her breath is stolen from her. She's drowning, and no one can save her. She fights the urge to claw at her skin, as she lay helpless on her floor, praying to god, or whoever the hell is out there that she doesn't wake Amanda with her outburst.
Olivia wants: she wants so much she can't have, so much she never had. She wants to throw away parts of herself that no longer serve her, and memories which only prove to hurt her. She wants to throw away William, Lowell and Joe… she wants to throw away Elliot.
A glint catches her eye as she lay there, a shining beacon sent to mock her. She knows instinctively the shine is that of Elliot's old badge. The one she had stopped by the station for earlier that day. The one she should have never accepted. The one she should let go. The one she hadn't found the courage to let go. It must have fallen out of her pocket when she was changing earlier. She really should be more careful.
On second thought should open her window and throw the offending item into the dreary rain filled morning. She should grieve her old partner, her old best friend, her old… whatever he was to her… because despite her best efforts, and all the years, and the men, and Tucker, she was still in love with Elliot Stabler.
She had and always would compare the men she dated to him, and no one ever quite measured up. God help her she tried, she really did, but despite herself she couldn't help it.
She supposed the same went for William, and Joe was sure to make an appearance there somewhere. Hell, even Lowell Harris had reappeared within the last months…
Olivia Benson didn't fancy herself a stupid woman. In fact she was quite confident in her ability to be not only a strong, but smart woman. Or at least she was.
The woman being held prisoner by the voices of her past wasn't one she knew, and definitely wasn't one she wanted to be. Yet she couldn't fight it. Even if she could quiet them in her waking moments, the shadows of her past seemed to make their way into her dreams.
None of this was new to Olivia: The overwhelming feelings, the nightmares, the complete nothingness… And still it knocked her in the gut like it was the first time. She knew to expect something, especially after today's events. She tried to prepare mentally, but it was meaningless. She should have known better. She had tried to reason that because her hostage situation this time hadn't been as bad as the times before it would be easier to fight off the unwanted intrusions. She had taken some Tylenol and shoved the sleeping pills, and painkillers aside in lieu of a glass or three of wine, honestly believing she would have a better handle on the situation.
Instead, her lack of self preservation finds her here, laying on the ground, tears steadily streaming down her face, as she hugs her knees to her chest trying in vain to comfort herself from the bitter cold radiating from within. She's defenseless to the overbearing darkness slowly washing over her. She would find the strength to fight it if she could, only she was tired of fighting. Most of all she was tired of fighting herself.
So she gave in.
She no longer knew what she was fighting for, or what she was fighting so hard against. Everything and everyone in an instant became meaningless, because they all eventually became nothing more than a ghost anyway. They became a dream wrapped up in a nightmare, threatening to haunt her for life. The closer she let them get to her the brighter their memory burned. The thought taunted her as the tears subsided and her bleary eyes adjusted to the hazy gray existence she had become so accustomed to. Not a shred of color radiated her world. Not until the color red, and not until Now. Gold beams shot off of Elliot's badge piercing the darkness of her world. The sight was daunting since the room was dark, other than a faint glow from the streetlight just outside her window.
It was the last thing she remembers before the darkness became the nothingness, and the nothingness became the comfort that pulled her into a dreamless sleep on her bedroom floor.
——OB——-
February 5th 7:46am
Olivia Benson's apartment
"Liv, Olivia, are you ok?" She can hear her name. It's cloudy, and heavy on her ears. It's Amanda, she would know that voice anywhere.
"I'm fine," Olivia rasped out with effort. God she was tired, and sore as hell. Had she fallen asleep on the floor? The sigh of relief from her friend was clearer as Olivia's mind started to clear from her sleep filled haze.
"I was worried as hell. I was ready to call a damn Bus, I couldn't wake you!" Amanda was next to her she could tell, even though her eyes weren't open yet. "Why are you sleeping on the floor?" Amanda asked
Thoughts of last night flooded her brain; William, pain, sadness, numbness, nothingness, darkness… Elliot. Olivia opened her eyes, and pushed herself slowly into a seated position as she decided how best to explain the muddled chaos that was her mind right now. She sighed as her back came in contact with her wooden footboard, and her eyes struggled to wake up. "I had a nightmare." She decided to say, because it was partly the truth and it would hopefully be enough.
Amanda said nothing as she wanted for Olivia to continue, when she got nothing more she shuffled on her legs a bit getting herself more comfortable. "So you slept on the floor?" She asked gently as she dipped down trying to catch Olivia's eyesight. She was just trying to understand.
Olivia hesitated before looking up, her eyes still heavy from sleep, which honestly she'd rather be doing right now, and would be doing if Amanda wasn't sitting here giving her the third degree. She sighed and bit at her lip. "I was sitting here," she lies smoothly, because Amanda didn't need to know that she was brought to her knees by an invisible force last night. "I was watching the rain." Olivia pointed to the window and Amanda's eyes followed. "I must have dozed off."'
The lie came out smoother than she expected. Olivia could bullshit a bullshitter when it came right down to it, but when it came to her friends, no, her family, they always seemed to see right through her. But brown eyes stayed locked with blue, and Olivia never wavered. It was partly the truth. It was enough of the truth that it was believable, because Amanda was satisfied then.
"I get it," Amanda said, giving Olivia's leg a gentle squeeze before moving to her feet. "Are you hungry? I can make breakfast!" Her voice was chipper and too lively for Olivia's liking.
"Actually I had a long night," Olivia said, moving to get up herself. She was achy. Sleeping on the floor was a terrible idea, not to mention the physically traumatic events of the day prior, and it's not like she was as young as she once was. Amanda moved to help her stubborn friend, but Olivia was quick to stop her. "I got it, Rollin's." Olivia Benson didn't need help. "I think I'm just going to sleep and watch movies," she said, moving to the side of her bed and pulling down the covers. "Go home, see Jesse. Give her a kiss for me." Olivia was already crawling into bed, before she waited for an answer.
Amanda was skeptical about this. She had been through this. She also knew that sometimes all it took was a good night's sleep to jump a hurdle. Still she did have a baby at home, and she could drop by later or have someone else check Olivia. Her Lieutenant did look tired. "Are you sure?" Amanda asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I'm sure," Olivia mustered a small smile for show. "Go, I'm fine, really." She yawned now for emphasis
"Ok," Amanda eyed her friend as she moved toward the door. "But i'm calling in a few hours." She threatened.
"I look forward to it." Olivia was sarcastic, but a part of her also meant it.
Amanda chuckled then, "alright, I'm going to clean up our little party. I'll talk to you in a bit."
Olivia sighed her agreement and pulled her bedspread to her chin. She'd thank Amanda later. Right now sleep was threatening to take over, and she was useless to let it.
——-OB——
February 9th 8:45am
Manhattan NY
The silence was driving Olivia crazy. Actually it was never silent, and that was the problem. The nagging voices of her inner darkness were ever present, and only getting louder. It's making her feel helpless, it's making her feel crazy. She needs to work, she needs to get herself away from herself. It's the only thing she can think of that might help.
So here she stands, case files in hand looking up at the 16th precinct Manhattan. The rain is falling for the fifth day in a row only adding to the already dreary lack of color in her world. But, Olivia doesn't mind as it washes over her in a gentle wave. It's the first time she's been out of her house for days, and the little gesture of nature almost makes her feel human again. Almost.
It was automatic to move through the doors and up the elevator. She had done it so many times. It wasn't until the elevator opened and she stepped out that her heart started pounding in her chest. She could already feel the eyes on her. Each one of them would be checking to make sure she was alright, looking at her like she was a… victim. But she pressed forward anyway.
She had taken her time and gotten ready this morning, (despite her inner demons telling her to just stay at home in bed). She added a bit of makeup to her cheeks and eyes after she had gotten dressed in her power suit for the day. She knew the rain would have tussled her hair and makeup slightly, but despite her inner turmoil Olivia felt like she looked like her old self again. She was ready for the looks, she was ready for the stares and questions. She would do whatever it took to feel like herself again.
She was inside her office before making contact with anyone. She needed to take a breath before stepping back out there. She wanted to set her stuff down and get her bearings. "I can do this." She said to herself.
"Welcome back!" Carisi was in her office with a big smile plastered on his face and a donut in his hand.
"I'm glad to be back," Olivia smiled, grateful the tension between the two of them was nonexistent.
"Donut?" He asked, holding out the chocolate covered baked goods.
Olivia's stomach rumbled as the smell caught her nose. She should eat, she couldn't remember when she last ate… but it isn't long before the delicious aroma of chocolate has turned to the acidic stench of vodka, and she's struggling not to gag. "Actually I already ate this morning." She lies, because how can she explain that her flashbacks are making everything she eats taste and smell like shit. They'd never let her out of their sight.
"You sure?" He asks, already taking a bite and taking a step back.
Olivia is smiling despite herself then, "I'm sure, 'it's good to see you Sonny." She means it, he had called a few times and stopped by once over the past several days, and for the most part respected boundaries. He always did ask too many questions. "Where are Fin, Rollin's, and Dodd's?" She asked him before he got a chance to reciprocate.
"Fin and Amanda are on a call. A kid showed up in Central Park with no parents in sight." Carisi shook his head. "And Dodds is in some meeting."'he shrugged
"Alright well get me everything I need to catch up will you?" Olivia asked, ready to jump back in. This is what she knew how to do.
"You got it boss." Carisi shoved the rest of his donut in his mouth and was gone.
———-
Olivia sat at her desk and took around her office. She had become so comfortable here over the years. It was well known she'd much prefer to be here working than anywhere. That's what made her good. She loved her job, or at least she had. She was happy to be back to some normalcy after the past few days, but she also didn't feel the same joy sitting behind this desk she once did. Maybe it was too soon to tell, or maybe she was just still tired, but the feeling was not lost to Olivia benson, and it made her want to shiver.
The day moved at a steady pace. It was nearing three already and she wasn't anywhere near done catching up on the caseloads she had missed. It had been a fairly peaceful day as far as she was concerned. She talked with her squad, she felt more like herself than she had in a while, some color had even returned to the world.
She was smiling to herself when she heard her office door click. She was instantly knocked out of her happy thoughts as her eyes raked up to those of Chief William Dodds, who was currently standing in her office one hand tucked under the other. "Lieutenant Benson, it's good to see you ." His lips quirked in a small smile.
Olivia's posture stiffened at his intrusion to her space, and she pulled on her jacket before standing. "Same here chief." She held out her hand for a shake.
He took her hand in a firm shake before dropping it to pull out a chair. "I assume you know why I'm here." He said adjusting his tie as he got comfortable in his seat.
"You want me on desk duty." Olivia sighs and rolls her eyes, because it's expected.
Dodds tries not to laugh then, but a smile still graces his face as he speaks. "So you've done this before." His joke is humorless, and dark, but they can both appreciate the sentiment.
Olivia shrugs, finally breaking a small smile of her own. "I'll stay put, scouts honor." She mock salutes hoping to placate the man and get him out of her office so she can get back to work.
He doesn't move, he just regards the woman across from him as the smile on his mouth fades and the look on his face can only be that of what Olivia has decided is concern. "How are you doing?"
She knew it was coming. Every damned person had asked her the same question at least once today. "I'm fine Dodds." It felt robotic as she said it.
Dodds tilts his head to the side never once breaking eye contact. He didn't believe her. He had worked with her long enough to know when she was lying and when she wasn't. She might look like Olivia, but the woman looking back at him was not quite herself. His eyes scanned over her form then, her jacket was loose, which meant she had lost some weight. She probably wasn't eating then. Her eyes were sunk in and hollow, so she probably hadn't been sleeping much. Olivia benson was a lot of things, but okay was not one of them. "I want you cleared by a therapist before you're cleared to work with anyone other than the squad."
Olivia can't help the anger that's bubbling inside of her at his words, and it's a struggle not to yell. "Four days ago I was a hero, and now you want me cleared by a glorified babysitter to do something I can do in my sleep?" She knew to expect it, this wasn't her first hostage situation, and Dodds was probably right that she got her head clear. But the last thing she wanted to do was see Dr. Lindstrom to start her process of healing all over again. She reflexively tugged on her necklace at the thought of it. She had been avoiding him for days. Two years of work had gone down the drain, all thanks to one asshole named Joe.
"You're not ok Olivia." He didn't jump at her outburst. Half of him had been expecting it.
Olivia was pushing herself out of her seat before her mind had a chance to react. The chair went flying to the cabinet behind her with the force she used, and the words tumbling from her mouth were spilling out without warning. "I'm not doing it again." She's shaking her head and pacing as she speaks. "I'm fine, I just want to get back out there."
"And you can, once you're cleared." Dodds is firm as he speaks. "Come on Liv, you know it's protocol."
"Fuck your protocol." She's seething. "I'm not doing it." She says again. Somewhere deep down she knows it's what's best, but she's shouting out her displeasure with ferocity .
"Then you're stuck on desk duty until further notice." He's out of his chair now. He's a busy man, he doesn't have time to be shouted at.
"Fuck you, Dodds." Olivia's hands are white knuckling her desk. Her eyes are fire when she stares at him, and she can feel the heat burning behind them as she speaks. "I'm not some helpless victim that needs saving, and if you stopped swinging your dick around long enough to stop giving me orders instead of letting me work you'd notice that!"
"You're not okay Olivia," he doesn't react, he just reiterated his statement again. There's no judgment or malice behind his words, there's not even anger, there is only truth. He's making his way towards the door now waiting for her to accept his words, but it's in vain.
She's shaking, she can feel it radiating from her toes. It's not internal, it's physical, and she can't help it. She wants to tell Willam Fucking Dodds to take this job and shove it so far up his ass he forgets anything else exists. She wants to rip his head off and put it on display at the MET. She wants to go back to when she was just Olivia Benson, SVU detective, Elliot Stabler's partner. Hell she'd take jumping five years into the future if it meant she could avoid doing this all over again. Again…
"I'm not doing it again." Olivia sighs out. Everything expelled from her in a breath, the fight gone as soon as it came. "I won't do it again." She's shaking her head.
Dodds stops moving then, turning to acknowledge her. She's leaning over her desk, hair gently fanning around her face, one hand now fidgeting with her necklace, the other loosening its grip on her desk. He hadn't really looked at her before then. Sure she looked tired, a little malnourished, some of that was to be expected. It wasn't that which caught him off guard. Olivia looked deflated. She was repeating herself, and with each repeated phrase she was losing more fight. He's pushing too hard.
"Why don't you take a few more days off," he doesn't want to lose her, he doesn't know what else to do. She's tired, beyond physical. They could revisit this conversation later, he thinks, after she's had time to clear her head.She yanks at her necklace then, whether it's out of frustration or an accident he doesn't know, because her mouth drops open as she registers the delicate chain breaking at the clasp.
"No," Olivia grips the necklace in her hand as she speaks.
"Liv," Dodds' voice is pleading. His eyes are frantically searching for hers, but she's looking down.
She knows there's something on his lips, some bullshit lines about going home for a few days and getting her head on right. But she knows they also come right back to this conversation of her mental capacity to perform a job she's been doing for years. A job she's dedicated her life to, a job that has left little room for more. The necklace falls from her hands then, crashing to a silent heap on the floor and her eyes meet his. "Fuck you Dodds, and fuck this job. I'll have my papers to you within the week." She's moving forward then, stepping out from behind her desk.
Dodds is blocking her. He's shocked. He had expected somewhat of a fight. There would always be some push back from Olivia, but this was… "Olivia, come on," he puts his hands out in front of him in surrender. "Just, think about this…"'
"Move," She's toe to toe with him now
"You don't want to do this Liv," He's going to put up a fight with her. She's good, too good to walk over something this trivial, he thinks.
She looks beyond him now, through the window, curious eyes of her detectives, long returned from their tasks, are piercing through the bare glass which had been left uncovered. She wonders for an instant if this is what goldfish must feel like. She doesn't know if they keep staring, she doesn't care, she just wants out.
"Don't do this Liv." It's Elliot's voice in her head, and it's expected yet unwelcome. She could never escape him here, not as long as she remained within these walls for the rest of her life.
It was the final push that moved her forward. She was reaching for the door handle, uncaring that she'd have to physically push through Dodds to get there. She needed to get out. She needed to breathe, and grieve, and figure something else out to do with her life. She was drowning all over again. She couldn't keep doing this. "Let me go or I swear to god," she's pulling at the handle jarring Dodds to the side.
He's stunned, and he's not about to physically stop her. So he stumbles to the side. She's moving then, quickly, and he's willing his feet to follow her, but his hand refuses to let go of the door he was holding on to for stability. "Liv!" He's shouting at her, through the busy precinct. But she just keeps walking with such tenacity that people have parted for her giving her an easy out.
She's moving, she can feel her feet coming in contact with the floor. She feels the stunned eyes on her, but her eyes are fixed forward, outward, only looking ahead. She can hear Dodds yelling at her, but none of that matters. Nothing matters. Everything is pointless and useless, and she just wants to breathe.
The elevators are mysteriously, and gloriously empty. It's her out, and she'd be damned if she didn't take it. Her fingers are rapidly pushing at the close door button, because she wouldn't get trapped in here with someone else. Not when someone else was probably Fin, who would spend the whole ride talking her back in, coaxing her, guilting her.
She let out a sigh of relief when she realized Amanda was the one to round the corner just slightly too late.
[begin flashback]
"That old partner of yours sounds very macho, doesnt he," fucking Lewis, the bastard would invade the quiet today. And he would bring Elliot into it… the two wrongs she was trying to right intermingled in a vicious web of debauchery.
[end flashback]
She breathes in through her nose, and out through her mouth. Her fingers grip at the steel bar behind her, she's grounding herself. William Lewis is dead, and so is Elliot for that matter.
[flash back continues]
"Must have been tough for you, all those long nights in the car," the sick prick is smiling, Olivia is squirming and he's smiling brightly. "He did you didn't he," his smile grows bigger, and she wants to wretch what little contents are left in her stomach, if any. "You still want him." Lewis is on the verge of a laugh.
[flashback ends]
The statement was just as true today as it was then, and it does nothing for the uneasy feeling spreading from Olivia's stomach straight into her chest…
She really needs some air.
She really needs out of this precinct.
——-OB——-
Central Park
Manhattan NY 04:30pm
Olivia escaped the precinct unscathed. She had long since turned off her cell phone, the incessant vibration in her back pocket was truly an unwelcome invasion to her already wary state.
Somewhere deep down, the rational part of Olivia knew the calls from her friends and colleagues were from concern. She knew they cared for her, and only wanted what was best… the constant calling, the implication of fragility, the outright demanding of therapy was truly probably for the best…
But…
The therapy was bullshit.
It all was.
The job was her life, rooted in her was the fight for her mother… not herself.
Was that all she was, the job?
Did she even know who she was anymore?
Did she ever know who she was?
Is this what Elliot felt like after Jenna?
It always circled back to Elliot… Elliot or or that cock sucking bastard William.
Olivia sighed with the realization that her life might always be this way. Job or no job… but no job by far outweighed having a job at the moment.
Therapy was no longer an option, especially if the job is involved. It would always be this, her risking her life time and time again with nothing more to show for it but the blurry illusions of a graying world.
Olivia didn't even notice the rain fall upon her dampening jacket, so wrapped up in her jumbled array of thoughts. She didn't notice the thinning of the crowds surrounding her, or the dim lighting of the New York City skyline.. a sight that once brought her so much joy.
No, Olivia only saw emptiness, loneliness, a world of nothingness.
And the most troubling part of it all, she thinks, is that feeling is not from the lack of people surrounding her, or the gray haze of her world… it's that it's coming from within.
It's not new, this feeling, but it's all powerful, pulling and gnawing at her gut in an unleashed fury of pent up anxiety she had spent years fighting against.
She would always start at square one.
She would always see Lewis.
She would always see Elliot.
But she'd be damned if she let them win. Not tonight. Not any night going forward if she had anything to do with it.
So now she marches with purpose, the rain fall biting at her skin, the ever dropping temperature only serves to move her forward with vigor.
Her thoughts suddenly went one place, and one place only…
The harsh bite of alcohol was exactly what the doctor ordered.
It's actually what she didn't order, but fuck her too. No one could fix Olivia. No one. Better to drown her sorrows and forget than live this pain another day.
Her feet moved swiftly, and the welcome rush of warm air greeted Olivia once she stepped into the small liquor store nestled conveniently down the block from her newish apartment.
Once again somewhere deep down she knew this was absolutely not the answer. She should book an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom, and avoid her demons.
But it was all for nothing anyway.
Nothing was real.
The rush she felt just grabbing for the bottle should have been alarming, but the weight of the Whisky in her hands was anxiously inviting.
One bottle couldn't hurt…
One bottle could clear her head.
One bottle could help her forget.
Maybe, just maybe one bottle could help her disappear completely.
——-OB——-
A/N2: this was originally supposed be longer, but I had to cut it down because well, life… so I hope something is better than nothing! Next post might not be for a while. Xo