"And if you act now, I'll throw in a special deal!" Luz pitched, brandishing a bag of suspicious pills, "Two...for the price of two!"
The clamor of the crowd reached a crescendo, dozens of witches and demons reached for their funds and called out their bids and orders. After revamping its business model and consolidating its stock, Human Collectibles was now enjoying wild popularity due to Luz's management and the sale of amphetamines.
"Holy shit, I'll take two Adder-Awes!" Skara shouted, slapping a sack of Snails onto the stand's counter with a hefty clunk, the contents of which I am going to roughly value at $50-60 USD, adjusting for inflation porn.
"Excellent choice ma'am!" Luz replied, swiping the money and comically carefully using a pair of tweezers to gently deposit two of the pills, one after the other, onto an eagerly waiting Skara's outstretched palm. Unbeknownst to the human's patrons, the Adder-Awe pills were made of diluted Adderall and pink food coloring and were shaped into little snakes (specifically adders) like how Flintstones gummy vitamins are shaped into Flintstones characters, except these were stimulants and none of them looked like that bastard Fred Flintstone.
Within the hour, Luz had sold out the day's stock and was happily counting the money she had parted from many fools. It had been a little over half a month since Luz had taken control of the business ventures of the Owl House, the residents of which were now flourishing. Food was being put on the table, elixirs were now securely affordable for the Clawthornes, Eda was able to afford a Costco membership, and King had bought a blowup doll. They were even able to build a dog house out back for Lilith to sleep in instead of the pile of newspapers in the living room which King kept pissing all over and claiming as his territory. Now King was able to piss on the dog house too. Life for the Owl House was good due to the diligence of Luz and some support from her best friend Amity.
"Oh fuck!" Luz shouted as she read the last sentence which reminded her of her later engagements, "I forgot about my dinner date with Amity! Oh Cramity!"
Having run the entire way home, Luz wheezed for breath against the wall inside the Owl House.
"Hey Luz! Check this out!" King greeted, running down the stairs and brandishing two objects, "Eda took me to the market today and I bought this Helluva Boss Loona figurine! I also bought this mason jar which I am definitely using for non-figurine related things!"
"Sorry King! Can't talk now, have to get ready, I really really really want this dinner with Amity to go well since she's helped us so much! Más tarde, ¡adiós!"
The human bounded up the stairs to her room, leaving King to huff and whine about Amity taking Luz's attention. Little shit.
As Luz threw on some clothes washed with real detergent that she could now afford, the sound of several gunshots and profane screaming from Hooty assaulted her ears. Dressed and ready for her completely platonic outing, Luz raced back down the stairs to see Amity at the doorway brandishing a smoking M9 Beretta that she had purchased from Luz in an unspecified event between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 of this story and looming triumphantly over Hooty who had been forced to open on the account of the several new holes in his head and frame.
"Hey Luz! Sorry about the...altercation, I didn't want to be late. Are you ready to-," Amity gaped. She was so enthralled by the sight of her dolled-up date that she came close to accidentally discharging. Amity switched her gun's safety back on.
Some time passed in this state of bedazzled admiration Amity found herself in, her eyes seizing upon Luz and her choice of finery. When the human chose her apparel, she had no idea that she would entrance her friend to such a degree. Her movement probably would not be restricted in an emergency: clad in freshly laundered capris and leggings, which complemented the lovely fitted t-shirt that was not visible underneath the designer hoodie that served as the centerpiece of her ensemble. To Amity, her crush oozed style and class as she descended down the staircase adorned in bizarre human hieroglyphics that clearly radiated culture and animation. There was nothing between Heaven and Earth that would tear Amity's gaze away from her date and her drip, aside from possibly the 1/4 Pound Hebrew National All Beef Hot Dog and 20 oz. Soda with Refill for $1.50 from Costco.
Also Luz looked like this:
(Insert the image here)
Amity's immense stupidity full of buttery hormones gave Luz some time of her own to admire her friend's attire, objectively elegant and vogue that the girl had spent hours of indecisive deliberation selecting, a stalemate only ended by intervention from the Blight twins. However, this didn't matter anyway because Amity was probably just going to be a lovestruck dumbass and look like a fucking clown anyway.
"I'm glad you could make it!" Luz exclaimed, "I really want to show you a good time tonight, you've been such a good friend Amity. You've earned it," she finished, tenderly grasping Amity's hand and unknowingly shaving five years or so off her lifespan.
Before she could shave off some more, a rabid level 81 Lilith, the Industrial Shithead, appeared like the worst random encounter in role-playing game history.
"AAAAAUUUGGGHHH! LUZ!" She roared, "MY TEA! MY TEA TASTES LIKE PISS! LUZ YOU RAT! YOU WEREN'T USING THE MICROWAVE TO HEAT UP MY TEA! YOU WERE URINATING IN MY TEACUP TO GIVE ME THE OL' SOUR TEACUP! HOW COULD YOU GIVE YOUR OWN AUNT THE SOUR TEACUP, LUZ!?
(Insert the image here)
Luz, the target of Lilith's ire, began to edge towards the doorway.
"HAVE I BEEN DRINKING YOUR PEE, LUZ!?" The older witch screeched, waving her arms tempestuously.
"She got to drink Luz's pee..." Amity sighed dreamily with a tablespoon of envy.
"Oh fuck," Luz muttered fearfully, enjoying a cup of getting the fuck out of there.
Luz and Amity soon found themselves seated at a dining establishment by the name of Shack du Shake, an eatery carefully selected by Luz considering factors such as exposed brick, allegedly artisanal victuals, unfavorable portion to price ratios, eccentric flatware, and other signs of gentrification geared towards the upper-middle class, perfect for outings for nouveau semi-rich individuals such as herself.
"Excusez-moi, garçon," Luz intoned, snapping her fingers at the waitstaff whilst wielding languages she has not mastered like a suburban white mother hipster fuckboy fusion from downtown California. Despite the foreign words assaulting their orifices, one of the servers came at once to the table that the duo shared as this sort of torture was universal. Amity furtively glanced between the man and her date, now somewhat confused and apologetic.
The server, a tired looking fellow with IBS, grit his teeth in a forced grimace, clenched his asshole, and asked, "How may I help you?"
"I would like to order the farm-to-plate poultry tenderloins, lightly breaded and fried with an artisanal tomato reduction and honey sweetened Grey Poupon dijon mustard, accompanied by a side of fried tuber fritters with skin unmolested, and a beverage of carbonated tonic on the rocks. The lady will have enclosed in two glazed brioche buns, a premium grilled beef cake mingled with organic tomato and lettuce, and dressed with mayonnaise made in-house with farm fresh eggs, paired with a bowl of finely ground boiled and seasoned spuds saturated in margarine, and a glass of whisked purée of whole dairy and crisp strawberries à la mode." Luz requested with the last of her lung capacity.
"Luz, what the hell?" Amity hissed indignantly.
(Insert the image here)
It was too late though, the waiter scurried away to inform the kitchen and to discard a little more of his will to live.
"The lady!? Really!?"
"What?" Luz asked as if she hadn't just made everyone around her want to die.
Her sheer audacity gave Amity pause, a lull leading to overanalysis. The witch liked to think that she knew her friend well at this point. Surely Luz did not intend to act like a total bellend; there had to be a reasonable explanation. Perhaps it was a human thing, or quite possibly a Luz thing. These thoughts cemented with the prospect of sharing dinner with the object of her affections.
Thus, Amity disregarded this red flag, unaware that it was merely the harbinger of a chain of faux pas this night. As if to illustrate the narration's point, the waiter returned with the pair's victuals, prompting Luz to really shit the bed big time.
"Ah waiter," Luz began, "it appears the saucier has not properly prepared my meal."
"I'm sorry?" The waiter questioned, utter confusion etched in his features.
"The chef responsible for the sauces," the human elaborated, "my cuisine and my dressings appear to be separated."
The waiter stood there, visibly buffering, "The containers with the ketchup and honey mustard are in the basket?"
Luz scoffed at the waiter as if he was an idiot. "Please rectify this problem: finely drizzle the sauces on my dish."
"I-uh-"
"Your tip hangs in the balance."
Amity continued to observe in horror, too paralyzed in mortification to prevent neither the waiter from desecrating her date's food nor the death of his soul.
"This is satisfactory," Luz proclaimed as the last of the dressings fizzled onto the food, drenching the dish as if spurting out of a can of AXE deodorant spray wielded by a boy in a middle school locker room. "Now please fetch me a gluten-free fork and knife."
Luz, satisfied, sampled her beverage, sipping. The waiter, morbidly disconsolate, slinked back to the kitchen, dying. While we remain on the subject, I am tired of referring to the poor lad as "the waiter" every time he does something, so he is now retroactively Mattholomule because I hate that kid.
It wasn't until Mattholomule returned with the requested utensils and Amity had to physically witness Luz feast on her chickie tendies and fries like a goddamn well-done steak that she regained enough of her faculties to ask her crush an incredibly important question.
"Luz, what the fuck?"
"What?"
"Why are you acting so...so...ostentatious?" Amity asked, gesturing at Luz in a polite yet vain attempt to capture the girl's bullshit with her hands. "Are you OK Luz?"
"Of course I am! I'm a student at the prestigious Hexside School of Magics and Demonics after all!"
"...I know? Luz, we attend the same school?"
"Ha ha! You're so funny Amity! Did I also mention that I donate to charity?"
"Are you having a stroke?"
"I don't know Amity, are you having a stroke?"
"Huh?"
"Wow this kind of awkward let's loosen up a little what do you say?" Luz blurted out, the words rapidly sliding out her throat lubricated by stupidity, "Let's get some shots!"
"Luz, we're underage!"
"Says who!?"
"The law!"
"Nuh uh! I'm not like other girls! Waiter!" Luz bellowed, "I wish to imbibe your finest spirits!"
Mattholomule trudged over with a sippy cup full of apple juice, placing it before the human.
"Check this out Amity!" She raved, downing the drink. Luz, under the power of placebo and her liability of an imagination, entered a stupor of buffoonery.
"Yer sooo cute Amity...weird quession, can I touch yur face?" Luz slurred, leaning towards the witch, hand outstretched.
As Amity tossed a wad of money onto the table for the meals, Luz immediately felt two types of pressure. The first was more abstract, a dark undertone of rage emanating from her friend that prompted Luz to consider choosing between the most base instincts in the human psyche, that of fight or flight, the latter overwhelming all notions of the former in an instant. The second pressure was far more tangible, that of Amity's unyielding iron grip on her wrist as she wrenched her up from her seat and dragged her out of the restaurant.
In half a minute, Luz had been pulled along to the back of the restaurant, in a spot next to the dumpster and a signed poster of Will Smith. In the darkness of this back alley, whatever would come to pass between the witch and the human would remain between them and the unwavering eyes of the Fresh Prince. Amity, fuming intensely, drew in a deep breath.
"LUZ! WHAT! IS! YOUR! FUCKING PROBLEM!? EVERY TIME I THOUGHT YOU HAD ACHIEVED THE PINNACLE OF STUPIDITY BACK THERE, YOU SOMEHOW TRANSCENDED IT! I HAD A FIRST CLASS SEAT ON THE ASSHOLE EXPRESS RIDING ON THE TRACKS OF YOUR SUCCESSIVE SHITTY CHOICES, AND EVEN I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH OF A DOUBLE-DECKER CRETIN YOU WERE! I DID NOT GET DRESSED UP AND EXCITED SO YOU COULD TURN OUR DINNER INTO A FUCKING FARCE! ARE YOU TRYING TO BE PUBLIC JACKASS NUMBER ONE TODAY!? EVERYONE WHO HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING IN THAT DINER IS GOING TO LEAVE A WORSE PERSON BECAUSE OF YOU, MYSELF INCLUDED! SO I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ONCE AGAIN, AND ONLY ONCE MORE, WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"I'm sorry Amity!" Luz sniveled, "I was trying to impress you!
"HOW ON THE BOILING ISLES DID YOU THINK ACTING LIKE A PSYCHOTIC CLOWN WOULD IMPRESS ME!?"
"I don't know! I thought that I needed to be fancier or something! Amity, you're so amazing and smart and fun and-and elegant, all of the things I'm not! I wanted to try to be more like that, someone high-class who could be with you. You're my best friend and you helped me be successful and I wanted to show you how far I've come because of you!"
"Oh my god you idiot! You're the one who taught me to be true to myself! Why would you of all people try something like this?! You're real and honest, considerate and sweet! You're the most genuine person I have ever met! That's the Luz I fell in love with, not that façade back there!"
"...Could you run that last part by me again?" asked Luz, shocked.
At this stage of the encounter, the ordinarily unflappable and imperturbable Amity was making like a bird, which flap like fuck and are also very perturbable if you chase them with a gun. Her mouth moved but her brain failed to load the barrel of her throat with words, leaving her incoherently sputtering, reminiscent of a Hungry Hungry Hippo operated by a hyperactive child. Not even invoking the honor of Grayskull would save her now.
Fuck it Amity thought, "I said I fell in love with you Luz! I've been in love with you due to the aforementioned qualities for a long time you enormous dunce! Now I'm not even sure I can look at you right now! If I see you again, the first thing I hear had better be an apology!"
Amity furiously stomped away as Luz mournfully watched. Minutes later Luz remained rooted to the spot, her melancholy witnessed by Will Smith.
Upon seeing a despondent Luz approaching his threshold, Hooty shut the fuck up for once and let her in without a word, which was very cool and considerate of him.
"Hey kid! How'd it go!?" Eda called out from the living room, seemingly casual and nonchalant, but secretly invested and eager for an account of the events of the dinner.
The human trudged into the room to see her mentor lounging on the couch. The teasing expression Eda had been wearing was replaced by one of concern the moment the witch saw her student's sullen countenance. Eda sat up and asked Luz to tell her what happened. However, what Luz did on her date was super mega cringe and not poggers in the slightest, so even I don't want to talk about it. We're just going to pretend Luz told Eda everything.
"Luz, look at me," Eda demanded after Luz allegedly told her everything, "you really messed up and I know it hurts, but you have to get over it. You know what? Some of my own dates were even worse. What's important right now is that you figure out how to make this up to the Blight girl and how you're going to apologize. You made a mistake and that's OK, but you have to own up to it, alright?"
"I understand Eda," Luz sniffled, "you're right."
"You know what'll cheer you up so you can figure out how to fix this?" Eda asked playfully, producing a rotten tomato from the labyrinth of her hair and handing it to her apprentice, "Go throw this at my sister, you'll feel better."
The old witch smiled contently, watching Luz excitedly run off to torment Lilith. That smile dropped as she heard a firm knocking on the door of the Owl House and the sound of Hooty accosting more than one person. She groaned as she stood up from the couch, lamenting her age and curse worn creaking bones before irritably marching to the door.
"Alright, who is it?" Eda grumbled as she opened the door. There were two men in front of the witch, both wearing serious expressions on their faces and what seemed to be a uniform of khakis, sleek blue jackets, and thick black vests with pouches and some sort of badge pinned to the chest.
The attire of these visitors did not shock Eda as much as their short rounded ears. Somehow, even with her portal supposedly destroyed, two humans had found their way to the Boiling Isles. One of them began to speak.
"Is this the residence of Luz Noceda?" he asked.
"Who wants to know?" Eda shot back.
"My name is Banks Jeemann, Internal Revenue Service," the man answered, flashing his badge before pointing his thumb to the other stranger, "This is my partner, Fred Eral."
"The what?" Eda asked flatly.
The other agent, Fred Eral, continued, "The IRS detected one of the citizens of our country generating profits that were not being taxed. We were able to determine under who and where these funds were, a Luz Noceda who is apparently residing in this unknown dimension. We were recently able to develop the technology necessary to travel here in order to retrieve the portion of Noceda's income that the federal government is entitled to."
"Oh I see," Eda said sardonically, "You guys are just some cogs in a government machine."
"In the strict sense, a 'cog' is a tooth on a wheel. A cogwheel is any wheel with teeth. A gear is a cogwheel used to mesh with another cogwheel. And a sprocket is a cogwheel that links to another cogwheel by means of a chain," Jeemann supplied as if this made sense or mattered. "We are just a small part of the clock that is our nation's government, and that clock is lubricated by money. This is a very serious matter ma'am. Noceda could be facing charges of tax evasion and possibly may serve imprisonment based on the circumstances of her failure to pay her taxes."
(Insert the image here)
Eda sobered up immediately. "Luz! You have guests!" she hollered.
"Gimme a second!" Luz shouted back. A wet splatting sound could be heard followed by an undignified shriek from Lilith toward the back of the house. Gradually the sound of footsteps approached, until the human reached Eda.
Upon seeing the agents, Luz made a strangled noise of disbelief and pointed at the men.
"How the fuck did you get here?"
To be continued