Author's note: CW for reference to cutting a hand (in a nightmare), implied child abuse, pet illness

-x-

Don't do love, don't do friends…

Don't need a relationship…

One track mind, one track heart

If I fail I'll fall apart…

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine

I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy

- Oh No! By Marina and the Diamonds

-x-

He was lost in the passageways which stretched high above him, like he was even smaller than he really was. He wandered for ages, crying for his parents until he heard their voices. He took off running and found the stone door. His parents were on the other side. He could hear them talking. He began beating his fists against the door, begging to be let in. Then he realized the door needed blood so he cut his hand, pressing it against the stone. It swung open and he stumbled into a bedroom that didn't seem very familiar, but he knew it was his. It was dark. He could hear his parents arguing as he went into his room. There was someone else there, hovering a few inches off the ground. They darted forward and grabbed him, jumping out the window. They kept flying as they dropped him. He twisted around as he fell, seeing there was a giant wolf waiting below, its mouth wide open as it waited for him to fall right in. Remus began screaming as he plunged right into the wolf's mouth and the teeth sank into him—

13-year-old Remus Lupin woke with a jerk, panting heavily. For a few seconds he couldn't figure out where he was. All he saw were stone walls and he was terrified he was down in the passages again—

Then he saw Arthur, his elderly snowy owl, on his perch.

My room, he thought, slumping down. I'm at home.

He still wasn't used to being down in the cellar, even though he told his parents otherwise. They had spent a lot of time and money refurbishing the cellar to be livable for him, and it was better for him there. His wolf room was in the cellar too. This made it easier for him to get into bed after a rough moon, since his mother wasn't strong enough to get him to the attic anymore.

Sighing he lay back down, intending to try to go back to sleep until he heard footsteps overhead. The unmistakable sound of his mother's slippers. He listened to her approach the cellar door, then her coming down the steps, and finally her stopping outside his room door.

"Remus?" She opened the door, not even knocking. "Darling?"

"Is something wrong?" he asked, reaching over to turn his bedside lamp on.

His mother hovered uncertainly in the doorway, clutching her dressing gown at her chest. "You screamed," she explained, coming into his room. "It sounded… awful."

Remus pushed himself up even more. "I'm sorry—"

"No, no." She sat down on the edge of his bed, reaching down to rest a hand on his arm. "This is the fifth night you've screamed, darling."

Remus swallowed, looking away from her. It hadn't even been two weeks since he arrived home from Hogwarts, and out of those eleven nights, he had had nightmares for seven of them, and this was the fifth time he had woken up from them. He hadn't realized he woke his mother up too. Hadn't realized he screamed.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

Hope began stroking his arm gently. "What's going on? Did something happen?"

Bloody hell, he thought, rubbing his forehead. Yes. Not that he could tell her that. Not that he'd ever tell her about the tunnels or the underground lake or the passages… or that one of his classmates had a werewolf for a boggart. "No," he promised. "They're from the moons, is all."

Hope frowned. "You haven't had one yet. Was your last one that awful?"

This wasn't very good territory to be in either since his mother had no idea how rough his last transformation had been. "The usual. I—I'm fine. I'm sorry, I guess it's… you know," he said vaguely, then smiled.

Hope laid down next to him, slipping her arms around him. "You can talk to me about anything, baby."

Yeah right. If he talked about his lycanthropy, she flipped out. If he talked about school, she got sad. He literally couldn't talk about his friends since he wasn't supposed to have any. And if he talked about… well, that—that didn't matter, since he wasn't.

He also couldn't talk about the other thing he had been focusing on, which was a book he had stol—borrowed from Hogwarts. Not from the library, but from a hidden room he and his friends had discovered. A book on sacrificial magic. A book he had been reading in secret since he got home to try to find any answers for what happened with the… spirit. Even if it was an illusion, like Dumbledore and Fawley believed, there had been strange runes on the dagger and Remus suspected that Professor Young had been killed to put a curse on the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position at school.

However, the book proved to be a lot more archaic and complicated than Remus initially thought and he was slowly realizing he'd be unable to proceed without more reference books. He'd have to put it on hold until he got back to school.

All of that was another thing he needed to keep from his mother. He couldn't imagine the outcry from his parents if they knew he was reading up on sacrificial magic!

"I know."

Hope snuggled close to him. "Do you want me to sing to you? Will that help?"

Remus closed his eyes, wishing she would just go away. He hated when she was all smothering like this. It made him feel penned in! He wasn't claustrophobic at all, but when his mother did this he felt like he understood the people who were.

"Yes," he sighed, wanting to make her happy.

Hope sat up, tucking him into bed and turning off the light. She began stroking his hair as she sang, "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping… I dreamt I held you in my arms…"

The words enveloped him like ice and he sat upright so quickly he almost knocked into his mother who stopped singing with a surprised 'oh!'.

"Is something wrong?"

"That song…" Remus peered at her. "You used to sing it to me a lot, didn't you?"

"Yes," Hope replied.

A distant memory circled his brain, a very, very hazy one that he hadn't had before that fateful boggart class. "Did… did you sing it to me the night I was bitten?"

Hope gasped loudly, covering her mouth. All color drained from her face and for a second Remus was worried she might faint. "No," she breathed out. "No, no, no, we don't—we don't talk about that night."

"But—"

"No." She shook her head, wringing her shaky hands. "I'll sing something else."

"Mum, I—"

"Shh. Lay back down." It was an order, not a request. He slid back down and she began singing, though it was clear she was distressed. "If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring." Her trembling hand went back to stroking his hair. "Every heart would have a new song to sing, and we'd sing of the joy every morning would bring. If I ruled the world, every man would be as free as a bird…"

Remus closed his eyes, drifting into sleep as his mother sang him into the darkness. Then the next thing he knew it was morning. He hadn't had another nightmare.

-x-

Hola Remus! 3/7/73

By the time you read this I'll be in Sunny Spain! I'm SO excited for the el viaje! That means trip. It's been a while since we've been to Spain. I can't wait to go to the beach! I'll take SO many pictures for everyone. And get everyone souveneers. You don't have a choice in the matter but don't worry I'll get you something VERY nerdy.

Dad says he knows about a nude beach but Mum says I can't go. I pretended like that wasn't fair but secretly I'm glad because there is no bloody way I want to think about let alone SEE my parents naked! EW! EW! EW! Dad says he was only teasing. I don't know about that.

Godric is going to go to Sirius's next and then finish up at Pete's, and Pete's gonna take care of him until I get home. I was going to ask you cept I figured a random owl living in your room might be a wee bit suspicious. Maybe a little bit, hmm? Anyway, I miss you already! IS IT SEPTEMBER YET?! I miss everyone so much. I miss Quidditch too though my parents got me some new balls. HAH! That sounds bloody weird like that, doesn't it? I've got new balls, Remus. HA HA HA so I got a new quaffle and Mum even got me a trainer's bludger. It's kinda like the bludger we used in our first year game—it's all soft and squashy but it reacts differently. It's for personel training so it can be used without a beater to knock it about its to be used to practice dodging. I wanted one last year but Dad wasn't sure about it. Mum said he's all wet. She said I should have a PROPER bludger which I really want. Maybe next year!

We should get some bludgers and let them loose in the Slytherin common room sometime that'd be SO much fun!

Adios! James

-x-

"Good morning, darling."

Remus slid into his usual seat at the table, yawning as his mother put a plate of eggs, beans, toast, and cockles. Lyall was already at the table, face buried behind the Daily Prophet. Remus automatically glanced at the headlines to see if anything big happened and, when he saw there didn't seem to be anything important, began eating.

"Did you sleep well?" Hope asked. It had been a couple nights since she had sung him to sleep, and while he had had some nightmares since, he hadn't woken her up again.

"Yes," he lied cheerfully.

As he ate, he gazed out the window and thought about his nightmares. They had started near the end of his second year. These specific nightmares. Though they were tied to what happened at the end of May, when he saw his classmate's boggart which was a werewolf. It triggered all sorts of memories he never knew still existed… of course he really wasn't sure if they were memories or simply made up. For instance, sometimes he thought he remembered falling out a window essentially to the feet (paws?) of the wolf. Which… wasn't what happened. He hadn't fallen out of his bedroom, he had been… outside?

He frowned, forehead wrinkling as he struggled to remember. He had to have been outside. Jumping out the window wasn't—that didn't make sense. And he couldn't fall out his window since his window was closed. Wasn't it? He… didn't actually remember the night he was bitten. His parents never spoke of it, and would get mad at him if he tried to broach the subject.

He shook his head, blinking his eyes rapidly to get the strangeness out of his head. I went outside on my own, he thought, poking at his food. Right? How else would I get outside? Why would someone take me outside to a werewolf? Besides, if someone else had been there they'd be bitten too. So that doesn't make any sense anyway. No, I went outside. For… some reason.

Why had he gone outside? How come his parents didn't notice their toddler going outside in the middle of a cold October night? Had he snuck out?

Maybe I saw something out my window and wanted to go investigate. Remus chewed at his bottom lip, trying desperately to remember but the only thing in his head was someone throwing him out his window.

He jumped as Hope touched his arm. "Are you all right? You seem deep in thought."

"Erm. Thinking about classes," he said, scooping up a big spoonful of beans. "Looking forward to getting my letter and seeing what I need for—" Lyall grunted at that, rattling the paper, "—for—for classes," he faltered.

Hope's fingers curled against his skin. "Darling, remember that we might not be able to afford everything."

"I know," he said, chest constricting. "I know. It's fine, if we can't."

Lyall lowered the paper. "Why did you sign up for all the electives anyway?"

Remus stared at his father. "I w-want to learn," he whispered. "I know I probably won't be able to.. I'll probably have to drop them because of—because—" He wasn't able to finish the sentence. The familiar burning sensation in his nose indicated if he kept trying then he'd probably start crying. "Um, I see the Tutshill Tornadoes won a game."

Lyall narrowed his eyes then went back to the paper. "Yes, it was quite a win. If they win their next game, they could go to the finals." Then Lyall went into a long ramble about Quidditch and the Tornadoes, most of which went over Remus's head though he tried his best to pay attention.

"Sloth Grip Roll?" Remus asked when his father mentioned it. "That's when you hang upside down off your broom to avoid a bludger, isn't it?"

Lyall looked at Remus again, this time with surprise. "Yes. Yes it is." The pride in his voice was unmistakable. "You went to the Gryffindor games last year, didn't you? Are you starting to be interested in Quidditch, then?"

"A little," Remus said, lying again. He had no interest in the sport but was picking up information about it from James. James had done the Sloth Grip Roll during the final Gryffindor game, managing to avoid a bludger and score a goal doing so.

"Good," Lyall said, nodding. "You should get some more… masculine interests."

Remus flinched at those words. "The—the Holyhead Harpies is an all girls team, Dad. And the Captain and Chaser of the Gryffindor team is a girl, as are one of the Beaters and the Seeker. It's not… boys only."

Lyall shook his head. "No, no," he said. "Of course not." Then he lifted the paper, muttering under his breath, "It's more masculine than knitting."

Remus stiffened, staring blankly at his food, not sure if he was supposed to have heard that or not. He picked his fork back up, doing his best not to shake as he slowly began eating again. Part of him considered pushing the argument, demanding to know what was wrong with knitting. He knew it wasn't a hobby most boys his age had, but it was comforting. He liked knitting. He liked being able to make things for his friends.

"Mum?" he asked half an hour later, after Lyall left for work and Remus was helping his mother clean the breakfast dishes. "Do you think… knitting is… a strange hobby for me to have?"

"Of course not!" she protested.

Remus methodically scrubbed his plate off, thinking. "Are there any men in your knitting club?"

Sometime in the previous year Hope had joined a knitting club (Muggle, of course), something that had given Remus hope that she'd be a little more open to the idea of him having freedom. Unfortunately it had not.

"Er, no," she admitted, taking the plate from him and plunging it into the rinse water. "There are plenty of men who knit, though. Why?" Remus shrugged, not wanting to tell her what his father had mumbled. "Would you like to come with me for our next meeting? I think you might like meeting Charlotte."

"No thank you," he immediately responded, not even giving it a thought. The newest member of the knitting club was the mother of a girl who was very sick. Remus had been hearing a lot about her since he got home. Charlotte. She was his age, and had 'something awful'. Hope and Charlotte's mother had bonded over the fact they were parents of ill children.

Hope took the glass out of his hands and began rinsing it off. "It might do you good to make a friend who is… a little like you."

"I highly doubt this Muggle girl has lycanthropy, Mother," Remus couldn't help saying. Hope pressed her lips tight together, her shoulders drooping. "Besides, I thought I wasn't supposed to make friends."

"Not at school. Talking to a—a Muggle girl for a few weeks is different."

Remus cleaned off the last dish and slipped it into his mother's side of the sink. "What would we possibly talk about? Magic?"

"Remus, you are half Muggle," Hope said a little sharply. "You may go to a magical school but you're still my child. Half Muggle. If—if going to Hogwarts is going to give you this uppity attitude—"

"Uppity?!"

"—then perhaps we should rethink things." She began draining the sink then drying off the clean dishes. "I don't like it."

"You don't like my attitude, or don't like Hogwarts?" he asked, knowing perfectly well the answer was 'both'. Any chance to try to convince Remus to not go back to school, she took it.

Hope sniffled, pushing a few dry dishes into his hands. "If you're going to talk back to me you can go to your room."

Remus pushed the dishes back into her hands. "Gladly." He ripped the apron off and stormed away.

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN!"

He ignored her, throwing open the door to the cellar and then slamming it behind him. He stomped down the stairs and flung himself into his room, slamming that door too. Arthur squawked, feebly flapping his wings. Remus ignored him, instead falling onto his bed in order to punch his pillow. He knew he would regret this later, when Hope inevitably cried to Lyall about Remus's attitude. He was probably going to get slapped or even spanked.

Need to stop talking back like that, he thought, burying his face in his pillow. Except he couldn't help it. There was something about the way his parents treated him that made him so frustrated sometimes! He felt like a little kid. Or someone who wasn't supposed to be his own person. He wasn't allowed to have thoughts or opinions, just—

He let out a furious sort of yell and began punching the pillow again, but even that wasn't satisfying since he had to hold back on his strength so he didn't break his bed. Finally he gave up and slumped back down, brooding miserably for most of the morning.

-x-

Dear Remus, 6/7/73

My summer is ofishally RUINED! At least until James gets home. Mum has this training thing she wants to go to for a few nights some sewing thing. Normully it wouldnt be a problem exept that dad and grandpa are off on a trip to visit grandpa's sister who is sick. Mum doesnt want me home alone so aparently I have to go to my pratty cousin the magic cousin not the muggle ones. I told mum I could stay alone. IM 13! thats old enuf enouf to stay for a couple days alone. least I think so. Mum doesnt. I asked if I could go to the muggle ones but she says no shed rather me go to her sisters. Its only for a couple nights but its going to be awful. Maybe he wont bother me?

I wish you could come stay with me when James does you and Sirius both. I know we cant I understand why you cant. its ok I know it isnt your fault but I still wish it.

But in also bad news (im sorry this letter is full of misry) aparently James wants to go HIKING?! MUGGLE HIKING! I got his letter right before writing this and I am ANOYED! im going to try to get him to not to but he says he has a bet on the line about it. He probubly made a bet with Sirius about it. Im going to cry. But it wuld be kinda funny to see james trying to hike like a muggle. It is definitly no fun. I wonder how long till he starts complaning. Course I dont think ive ever done magical hiking. But itd probubly be easyr wouldnt it?

Missing you already, Peter

PS what does it mean to compare and contrast I dont understand our charms essay

-x-

Arthur wasn't looking well. He hardly left to go hunting anymore and mostly relied on the food Remus brought him. He had been doing so much better since the Easter holidays. Right before, a vet had looked at Arthur and given him a prescription which helped a lot. Now, though…

Remus stood in front of his owl, stroking his feathers. Part of him wondered if it was being in the cellar that did this, though Remus made sure to keep his window open and often took Arthur over to it. The window was more or less at ground level and Arthur would step out into the grass and huddle there, not doing much besides leave feathers behind.

"Maybe I should have you looked at again," Remus murmured, giving him a little owl treat. Arthur snapped it up and swallowed, then hooted at Remus. Except they couldn't really afford a vet. Still, Remus ventured the idea at supper that night, bringing up how poorly Arthur was doing.

"He's a very old owl," Lyall pointed out. "He's… what, 26? 27 now?"

"How long do snowy owls live?" Hope inquired.

Remus's stomach twisted at those words. "Just because he's old doesn't mean we shouldn't get him a veterinarian—"

"Remus." Lyall folded his hands on the table, leaning forward. "I love Arthur. You know I do. I wish we could give him all the health care he needs however we do not have the money to prolong the life of an owl approaching the end of his life—"

"D-don't say that—"

"There isn't much to be done," Lyall finished. "I'm sorry."

Remus swallowed, looking down at his food, fighting off the tears. "He's got loads of years left. There was a snowy owl that lived well into her thirties—" He stopped, realizing it was futile.

It always came down to money, and the fact they hardly had any. Which circled back to being Remus's fault, since it was because of him his father couldn't continue working at the Ministry. It was because of him Lyall now worked at a very poorly paying job.

Not much that can be done. He thought of Arthur; thought about the possibility of losing Arthur. Of the very real possibility he'd be losing Arthur soon. After a moment or so he couldn't stand it and jumped to his feet, running to his room. His parents didn't bother stopping him. He fled down the stairs and ran over to Arthur, gently pulling him close.

"I love you," he whispered, cuddling Arthur close to his chest. "I love you, Arthur." A few tears dripped down as Arthur nuzzled against him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

He sat on the cold floor, clinging to his owl, crying and feeling utterly helpless.

-x-

Dear Remy, 7/7/73

Stop lecturing me about my homework, I'll get it done before classes start. I promise. But thank you for the letter. How come you used Godric? I'm not complaining, mind you. It was bloody terrific getting letters from you and James both at the same time. Only worried about Arthur. Is he doing okay? Anyway hopefully Fili isn't too nasty to you. I've given him several talks, telling him he must be nice to you, but he bit me during one of my talks so I don't know if he'll listen (I'm fine I promise). I wish he had let you use him after my first letter. I was worried when I didn't hear back from you right away but it seems like Arthur isn't really up for the trip?

As for how my holidays are going… I put up a count down to September the day I got home. Fourteen days down, fifty-five to go. That's enough said about that.

Big news: apparently Regulus wants to try out for the Quidditch team in September. Mother and Father have been somewhat pleased about this, and Father gave Regulus his old broom to practice on. If he gets on the team he'll get a newer broom. Guess who isn't getting a broom? I said I might try out for my team but surprise, surprise, my parents were not at all pleased by this news. No broom for me. I am glad they're happier with Regulus though. I'm a little worried about him. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but he didn't do too well on his exams. He wouldn't tell me what he got but Mother and Father were both furious so they can't have been good, since normally they would never be this angry at Reggie.

I've asked James what positions will be open on the Slytherin team since I can't remember offhand, and Reggie hasn't said what he intends to go for. I wonder if I'd be allowed to go to the try-outs? I know they'd never allow James to be present but since I'm family maybe they'll allow me? Not that the Slytherins like me. They'll probably say no to spite me. Well, I could always borrow James's cloak.

Anyway, at least I won't be cooped up in Grimmy Place all summer. Cousin's getting married in a couple weeks and the family will be staying a few nights at her fiance's place. In Wales, actually. Somewhere in Pembrokeshire? I think that is south Wales, isn't it? How close is it to where you live? Only curious. In any case, I'm not looking forward to that. It's my Crabbe relatives and they're all as dumb as rocks. That's on my mother's side of the family so my cousins Narcissa and Bellatrix will be there and I am not looking forward to it. Plus it's going to be the first big family get together since Andromeda ran off, making it even worse. Both since she won't be there and also I know a big topic is going to be about her 'turning traitor'.

Other than that, not much news. I'm having constant headaches from how annoying my family is but that's not new.

Your Bored And Miserable Friend, Sirius