Part II - Open up to be broken again "It was not personal. But maybe, now it is.
Apologize was not a lie, not for him. Not now. I'm not usually a liar, and if I had cheated people, it doesn't feel different from what we're doing now. Even the reason is very similar: ending the Super Soldiers.
The problem is that... oh, the problem. Was not him, because he never did anything by his own. All of the others, each one of them, they did. They chose. James didn't. But he's the problem now. My problem.
I had my plan and it should ended up with my own death. T'Challa ruined it. Or it was what I've been thinking for all these years, until James come to me. Clearly if there's more yet, I still have to be here, I still have what to do.
I said things will not remain unfinished. I'll go until the very end of it all.
My problem is that James will not stop being a Super Soldier when it ends. Yes, I know, I'm repeating to myself several times that he's the only who had no choice. And maybe this is changing my mind... or the years already did it. Because I had too much time to think about this man, particularly.
Everything lost, like me. But at least, I always had my free-will, my own mind, my own thoughts and beliefs. He was deprived of everything. Got me a lot curious about what he'll become by doing exactly what he, at this moment, believe in. He's, by choice, going against the rules and the laws. I made it too, didn't I? And I regret nothing.
Of course he knows that send me back to jail is not going to give him forgiveness for had helped me to escape. He always knew and yet, he did that. He seems exactly as myself before - willing to anything just to reach the goal. Anything but hurt people who doesn't deserve it, if he can avoid this. I wish I had avoided the same as much as he's getting until now.
It's true that he can't be controlled anymore. As a side effect, he holds himself too much, wich makes he looks weaker than before. Not that so, after my false command in the bar. Instead of being "under control", he let go off some of his moorings. I don't know if he noticed at that moment, but I'm sure Sam did.
What if James is so different from all the others that even the "Super Soldier" label doesn't fit him? Is what the serum made to his body, is what the Hydra made to his skills, but his mind is only his for what, less than ten years, wich he spent five quite dead.
Or is the excuses I'm doing to myself just because I'm giving up of the idea about all of them. This needed to includes him. Without a excellent argument, a real one, a fact, would I be betraying the ones whom my promises belong? Did my promises ended up when I was pulling the trigger against myself? If it was so, then why I'm here now? Because I still believe in the same that I did when promises where made, but... I'm starting to see from perspectives I hadn't before. His perspectives.
The same man I criticized face to face, was the man who left James behind. Alone. The first Super Soldier, my target. He's gone forever now. Even this choice, he did, when to live, when to die. And James just could watch. Left alone.
Where are we now?
James is not holding himself at this moment. So neither I.
Excellent.
Ironically excellent, of course."
...
"I'm with you till the end of the line."
This was repeating insistently in Bucky's head at the moment in Sharon's room when he met himself alone with Zemo.
Repeating in his head for around eighty years. Who said it first for who? Maybe could it be said even before the first time Bucky remmembered. He had an entire life knowing Steve, but wasn't sure that knew him in the end. So unreal Steve's decision for leaving Bucky by his own in the end, after all the years and times risking everything only for him.
"Till the end of your line, not mine. I'm still here, so where had you gone?"
If Steve had though better, would him consider how much pain his decision will cause to Bucky?
- Maybe he was just tired. - Bucky stared at his feet, at the floor, at anywhere below just for not looking at Zemo's face, while they sitting on the couch.
- I'm not gonna talk about your ex after had you saying in the plane that was going to kill me for this... sensitive subject. - Zemo's voice came calm and soft, no arrogance or unrespect there.
- Don't stole my things, don't say what you don't know and... this "subject" is still a shadow for Sam. I got nervous 'cause...
- You don't know how the only friend you share with Steve could react if he knew the real relationship you had. Am I mistaken?
- No, is this the thing.
- Was never a surprise for me since... ever. Just observing you and him made it clear. I don't understand how could Sam, who spent a time with you, not see something so obvious.
- He sees us like brothers, the last glimpse of family for each other. Sam doesn't probably thought in different directions of what the relationship was or could be.
- Sam seems very open about his friends' lives and feelings, why not open up to him?
- Because... if I tell him everything, the point of view of every move Steve made, will drastically change. Specially... the last one.
- I see. Will make no sense about Steve abandoning you in the end.
Bucky's expected reaction was, at least, screaming and turn into anger, Zemo's point could fit into "don't say what you don't know". But it just made Bucky's mouth gone dry, his eyes closing for a long moment. Hearing his own thoughts from another person's mouth hurted more than he could endure to not show any emotion. So he just let go of useless pride. The code-words, the manipulation, the brainwash and all that shit stuff couldn't let him so vulnerable as himself giving up his true feelings and miseries about Steve.
- It does for you? - Bucky opened his eyes to finally stare at Zemo, waiting an answer could change his confusion.
- No. It doesn't. And it's not just because I don't like Steve, it really doesn't make any sense. The only thing that comes to my mind is that... he believed that you were stronger than him to begin again.
- I'm fucked, Steve knew that better than anyone, how could he think such thing?
- Because he knew you better than anyone. So, he considered your strenght over your emotions.
- I don't know. And this is a thing that I need to accept: no matter how much I think about, won't ever have an answer, I'll never really know.
- Emotions, feelings, can be dangerous if we think that we can never know what's in someone else's heart. The things we trust, the ones we believe in, are merely what we choose to see, how we choose to understand the words and actions.
- Was your thinking before you lost your beloved ones?
- Yes, it was. I believe I was loved. When I chose to get married, to built a family, I chose to believe in someone else, is what means a true relationship for me.
- Do you think you could ever believe in someone else again?
- I don't ever consider since I was... it wasn't part of my plans to be here after Siberia.
- I heard something about this in Wakanda. That you... well... then it's true.
- It is.
- It's unconfortable to talk about?...
- Do you mind?
- I... in this moment, I think I do.
- I told to no one, because I had no one after Sokovia. I told something to T'Challa because he was suffering for his father and I was in what I thought to be my last minutes, I wished anyone to listen just one time and understand. I think he did, he wasn't looking for revenge anymore, so he was not blinded... still, he was looking for justice and he did. Death, sometimes, is a gift for those who can't stand alone anymore. Death wouldn't have been a punishment for me, would be a mercy. Extending my loneliness was the real punishment.
The last line made Bucky stares deeply, disturbed by how it sounded like his own feelings.
"Till the end of the line..." That ressonated one last time. "How's your heart after breaking mine?"
- What are you going to do when this all ends?
- The answer changes in every moment I spent with you.
- Don't play with this, Zemo...
- Do you think I could play with my own emotions about something like you? I shouldn't look at you as so different of them all. It's not working. By the way, I'm sorry for the way I threated you at Selby's...
- We were pretending, actuating. The situation was disgusting but you did nothing that I hadn't agree before and... it was working, we got what we needed. It's ok and don't change the subject at this point.
- Why not? Unless you have any interest in...
- I do. I shoudn't, I hate this but I won't deny.
Was Zemo's turn to look at the floor, take one breathe, had a long time since he flirted with anyone, really long time, so he should keep his mouth shut, but everything was flipping.
- Listen, James... I don't even remember when was the last time looked at someone like I'm looking at you, but we both know that eventually we may end up, in the best scenario, with a gun in each other's head.
- I know. I'm not being unrealistic here. In some hours, with luck not in minutes, we're going to another dangerous situation and how many of them until the very end? I'm alive for 106 years and just in a small fragment of this time, I did what I wanted to. At this point of my life, I'll only regret doing nothing I desire.
"In other times, it would sounds like stealing the precious Steve Rogers' boyfriend and would be reason for a war... don't you see that he left still loving you hard and surely missed you in every single day of that fake happy life? You're unreplaceble, Mr. Barnes." The thoughts never leave Zemo's mouth, it just showed when the baron moved on the couch, getting closer while one hand touched Bucky's check gently.
- Then do whatever you desire.
Bucky's arms rounded the other man's body, pulling him against his own chest, his lips moving in the kiss that probably damned him to hell, his enemy's kiss. Yet, no hesitation had place, Zemo was surprise about how confident Bucky was, not even a shadow of the broken man from minutes ago.
...
"You're my problem now, James. I fell for a Super Soldier, it's all your fault. How will I rise again after having you like this? After letting you have me?"
###
The loud music covered everything, except for each other's ears. There was no promises. Maybe there would be no tomorrow but sharing the pleasure of having someone and pretending that was no hearts left to be broken was unexpected amazing. For both.
###
In the meantime, Bucky leave the room for checkin on Sam, he knew perfectly that if it was not done, the Falcon would soon search for him and the last thing he wished at that night, was having to explain something about why in the hell he was having sex with someone he should hate.
###
When Bucky and Zemo could be alone for the second time at the night, they didn't spend time talking.
Zemo fell asleep with a bitterness inside, thiking how long he could still feel these arms holding him back.
If they had time enough, maybe he could pretend and lie to himself for too long until lies become the truth.
Maybe, in a foolish hope, he could forget and just keep James for himself.
...
Fool.
Nothing in that red notebook would prepare him for knowing the real Winter Soldier.
###
Notes: I just got inspired and did the Zemo's side, or something like this. I needed at least a bit of ther talking.
I'm afraid of tomorrow's 04 episode, it can break my heart, but nothing can do this as Steve did - I'll never get over that.
I'll be back soon, for maybe one more chapter as an ending, but idk, the show can decide the future of this story or... I can have my multiverse moment.
Anyways, thank you for reading!