Author's Note: Second chapter of "Temptation". Just as Weed's Addiction was narrated by Weed, this chapter, "Sirius's Struggle", will be narrated by Sirius.
Black. I'm aware of the green leaves on the trees and blades of grass. The brown dirt beneath my feet and the brown bark on the trees. And the blue sky above. I know it's all there, but I can't see anything beyond the black.
The first time it happened, I was watching my father slam Orion into the snow. I still remember the shock and horror I felt, but what I remember most vividly was a sense of rage and anguish. Listening to my younger brother's pained yelps tore at my heart, and my eyes... I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't think.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to jump in and help Orion, but at the same time, I didn't want to hurt my father. I didn't understand why, nor did I notice it at first. Thinking back on it, I realized that despite the anger I was feeling at father's actions, I didn't feel any hate for him.
It passed like a fleeting shadow, and I was left with only heartache as father seemed to come to his senses. He looked down at Orion with a look of remorse, but I didn't understand. If he regrets what he did, why did he do it in the first place? My brother may have been rash, but he didn't do anything that would warrant a reaction like that.
He didn't say much, other then for Orion to go back and rest. It made him angry, and I don't blame him. Orion was just being beaten for no good reason, and our father was talking like nothing had happened.
I didn't say anything to him. I just walked right up to Orion to try and help him, even as he lashed out at me. I begged him to let me help him, even as he tried to refuse my help more than once. But he eventually stopped resisting and allowed me to carry him back.
It happened for a second time, a few months after Masamune's death. Things had been relatively peaceful since then, but there were some incidents here and there.
The one that confirmed something was wrong with me occurred when Orion and I were hunting together. We had managed to kill a deer and we were dragging it back to Gajou. But along the way back, we were stopped by a group of males we had never seen before. I don't remember their names, but I do know that they had gotten it into their heads that they could take Ohu from us. It seemed people still thought that Ohu was wiped out after the disaster that happened all those months ago.
I tried to keep things civil between us. Orion and I were outnumbered, so I didn't want to risk a fight. I thought that if we didn't attack first, we could settle the issue peacefully.
But it wasn't meant to be. The way they were looking at us, so maliciously. It didn't bother me when they looked at me like that, but when I noticed they were giving that look to Orion... Every muscle in my body started tensing, my heart began beating a mile a minute, and my claws were digging into the dirt under our paws.
I don't know if I looked distressed or not, but I was certainly having a hard time staying calm and rational. I felt so paranoid; I just kept thinking about what might happen. What were they going to do to my brother? What would they do to Rigel and Bellatrix? Our mother?
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, one of the males said something. I don't remember the words, but I know it was a threat. A threat directed at Orion in response to something he said to them.
Do you know that feeling when everything just stops? When you tune out everything around you? I don't remember hearing anything, smelling anything, or even seeing anything. At least, not during that instance. All I could remember was seeing black.
To this day, I'm still not entirely sure what happened. Everything is still blurry whenever I try to recall it. But I know that I killed them. Whatever happened to me... I didn't snap out of it until I felt Orion yanking me off something. He had been screaming my name the whole time. At first, his voice had sounded so distant that I didn't even notice.
But then I looked at his horrified face, and suddenly my senses returned. I remember panting heavily, like I had overexerted myself. The silence around us was deafening. No birds, insects, or even the wind. That same silence caused by the presence of a predator, something worse than a common dog.
Looking into his eyes, I noticed that he wasn't looking at me. Following his gaze, I let out a gasp as I saw what remained of the males. To say it was a bloodbath was an understatement. These dogs... I had torn them apart. Killed them more brutally than what would've been necessary.
It was at that moment that it all hit me. I could smell so much blood, and my fur was soaked with it. I felt it dripping from my fangs and claws. I think I had been inhaling the smell of blood and death while I was out of it.
Then I remembered that I had been holding onto something before Orion got my attention, so I looked down. It was one of the males. From the looks of it, I had been slamming his head into the ground over and over, well after he was dead. Hell, all that remained of him was his head and spine.
Orion and I kept this incident between us. We told everyone that it was a bear that had killed these dogs and that we scared it off with our Battougas. They seemed to believe us, all except one. Our father.
At that moment I knew. He had known it was me, I could see it in his eyes. He was afraid, even if he hid it well from the others. But that wasn't what gave it away. There was another emotion in his eyes. It was remorse. That same remorseful look he had when he beat Orion into the snow... for trying to kill Masamune.
It all made sense. Father beat Orion for trying to kill Masamune. And the way he was looking at me, with that same remorseful look. He knew what I did, but he didn't say anything. Why? What was he hiding? Did he know what was happening to me?
Why did he hurt Orion yet say nothing when I did the same thing that my brother was punished for attempting?! What did he know? Why wasn't he saying anything?
Why didn't I confront him all those months ago? What was happening to me? I had a right to know! My own brother was afraid of me.
Orion told me I did what I had to do. That those males didn't give me a choice. But he was lying. Trying to be a good brother by convincing me that he wasn't afraid. But he was always terrible at hiding how he felt, especially from me. He knows that I went too far. I'm not even sure if those males were really going to kill us, if they couldn't have just been scared off by the army.
Dear God. Did Orion actually think that I would hurt him? That I would snap and kill him too?
I confronted my father when we were alone together. Just walked right up to him and starting demanding answers. It wasn't my usual self, but I was scared. I didn't know what was going on, and instead of saying anything, he kept it to himself.
He wasn't surprised by my outburst. If anything, he seemed even more remorseful than before. And ashamed. He looked so ashamed of himself.
He didn't look at me, not at first. He just started telling me about the third time he took a life. From there, he began to explain the feeling he got whenever he killed an intelligent creature. A feeling of rage and hatred, mixed with a sense of pleasure and empowerment whenever he did the deed. An addiction.
I was the second person he told this to. Apparently he told this to our mother, but she wasn't afraid. She assured him that he could control himself and ignore the urge.
It sounded different from what I was experiencing, but then I thought back to what happened before I snapped. As I started losing touch with reality and everything was turning black, I could still feel two things. Rage and hatred. Rage and hatred towards those males, because I thought they would hurt my brother... and because I wanted to kill someone.
Right before Orion had brought me back, I was... delirious, as if my mind had been on some kind of euphoric overdrive. And power. I felt powerful in that moment, which explains what happened. Those males... The reason everyone believed my brother and I when we said it was a bear was because most of them had been ripped apart. The damage was beyond anything two dogs could've done in such a short amount of time.
I asked my father if he truly felt stronger whenever he killed, and he did. He confirmed my suspicions when he described how he felt so much stronger than he should've been each time he took a life or attempted to do so. During his fight against Kaibutsu and his last stand against Hougen. In each of those instances, he was more powerful than any dog could ever be.
He finally looked at me, tears streaming down his face as he told me how sorry he was. What he did to Orion... He didn't want to hurt him, he really didn't. But he was scared that Orion had it too, and that if he killed Masamune he would lose control. Like we did.
I hate what he did, but at the same time I can't blame him. If Orion had the addiction, there's no telling what would've happened if he lost control. Our father had been lucky each time he took a life.
However, I don't believe Orion has it. No, I'm certain he would've killed those males with me if he had it. He's what snapped me out of it in the first place. I was still tearing the males apart even after they were dead, and I would've kept killing if he hadn't stopped me. I don't want to know what would've happened if he wasn't there.
But what am I gonna do? I don't want to start killing people. Those males hadn't even done anything yet. I know they were threatening us, but still... Was I really protecting my brother? Or was I just using him as an excuse to kill whoever I could? Even now, I'm hearing a part of myself tell me that I had no other choice. That I did what I had to do, to protect my family. But that's not true. I didn't have to kill those males, and I certainly didn't have to go to that extent to protect Orion.
Does it really matter if I was protecting him? He was still afraid of me, even after it was over. He may have moved on now, but I still remember the horror in his eyes when he looked at the male that was supposed to be his big brother. Even if I did what was necessary, he didn't want to see me like that ever again.
I can't kill again. I don't know if I'll even recognize Orion or any of my family members if it happens again. But I do know that my reaction was triggered by the males threatening Orion, threatening someone I love.
I don't know what I'm gonna do. If I kill again, I could turn into a monster. At the same time, I have to protect my family. Father and I know we still have to defend them, but what happens if our enemy is someone we can't spare? What do we do if we don't have a choice?
Whatever happens... Whatever happens, I have to stay in control. As long as I can. Until I have no other choice. When that day comes... I pray that I won't lose myself.