Her Song
Lucien woke with a start, trying not to move too much. Elain was still sleeping, her head planted right on his chest above his heart. It was her favourite place to be, and he didn't quite fully understand why.
She had tried to explain it to him. Something about his heartbeat, and music. But try as he might, he couldn't fully make sense of it. He knew enough though, not to move much or push her away when she placed her ear over his heart.
Without realizing it, his mind wandered to the first time she had shown up at his door, middle of the night. He woke up the minute she and Feyre landed in the Human Lands after winnowing there. He had indeed sensed Elains pure terror immediately.
He was at the front hall just seconds after Vassa had opened the front door, and there she was. Soaking wet from the rain, he didn't even think she knew was pouring down.
She stood there, soaking wet, staring at him, in nothing but her nightgown, and his jacket. He couldn't help but realize it was exactly how she looked that fateful night, staring at him after falling out of the Cauldron.
And the fear, oh god, he could feel it, not just through the bond, no but her absolute terror was creating a tension in the air so thick you wouldn't even be able to cut it with a knife.
He couldn't bear to see his mate in so much fear he compulsively made to take a step forward. She noticed though, and he saw it in her eyes. He didn't complete that step, and instead stood there, closing his hands into fists to keep still. She had laid down very specific boundaries, and he would not cross them.
He especially would not cross her boundaries, after the nightmare he had the previous night. What a horrific nightmare it had been.
He was back, being made to watch Jesminda being murdered at his fathers hands. Except this time, he offered to spare Jesminda, in place of the life of the female behind him. Lucien didn't see the female, eyes locked solely on Jesminda, begging to let her live. He blindly agreed to his fathers request, anything to let Jesminda live.
His father turned around, and killed the female behind him, that Lucien still could not see, though a small inkling of guilt formed.
His brothers let him go and he fell to the ground then. His brothers and father had winnowed away, as Lucien made his way to Jesminda, who wouldn't look at him. Instead she looked to the female who was murdered, and brought a hand to her mouth.
"You sacrificed the life of your mate. You told your father to kill your mate to save me." Was the only thing Jesminda said, her voice holding the sound of horror within.
It was those words that caused Lucien to turn around, only to see Elain there, laying on the ground, lifeless. Stabbed through the heart. Oh cauldron, how could he have allowed Elain to die? What kind of male was he, to choose a female who wasn't his mate, spare her life, over that of his mate. He fell to the ground, as a sound of pure agony ripped its way through his lips, as he picked Elain up to cradle her to him and—
It was then that Lucien had woken up. He sensed something different, something had changed that morning because of his nightmare. Something changed, when his dream self chose Jesmindas life over Elains. But he didn't know what it was.
How could he even hope to explain to Elain what had happened. How he had willingly let her die to save Jesminda. Even if it was just a nightmare, what kind of male did that make him?
So Lucien did not take that step towards Elain, despite how badly he wanted to. He wanted so badly to help, but he couldn't.
Before he knew it though, Elain was in front of him, pulling him in a hug, resting her ear on his chest, and he could feel her start to calm down. He could hear her mumbling about how "It's not gone. It's still here. It still helps. It's still calms. It's not gone." He had no idea what 'it' was.
But whatever it was, it was calming Elain down. This was good. He never wanted to see her that scared again. Lucien tentatively lifted his arms around her and began hugging her back.
He could hear Elain take calming breaths, and so he started smoothing her hair down, and rubbing circles in her back.
It took a few minutes before he realized that with the help of her deep calming breaths, a song in its own right after seeing her so scared, that he had started to calm down as well.
The guilt of allowing Elain to die in his nightmare the night before melting away, because she was here, alive, and in his arms. She was alive, and he would do everything in his power to keep it that way.
A few moments later, as Elain was finally calm, he could feel a different form of horror coming down the bond. This one not as alarming. Elain was horribly embarrassed, so without making a big deal of it, and not showing the pain on his face, he dropped his arms, took a respectful step away from her.
Though horribly embarrassed, Elain looked as if being away from him, and thus whatever it was she was so relieved to find upon hugging him still being there, she still looked as though parting from him was the last thing she wanted.
But there was that embarrassment, and he was going to respect her boundaries. He looked at her, and sincerely asked her if she would be okay, to which she responded by turning a deep shade of red and a frantic nod of her head.
Appearing to have collected herself enough, she turned and walked back to her sister, wishing to go home. Lucien tried not to allow the pain that statement caused him show on his face.
With a nod to her sister, Feyre looked to Lucien before leaving. "There are a few matters of business Rhys and I would like to go over. If you would like, you can stop by tomorrow to discuss them."
Still looking at Elain, unable to look away, Lucien nodded and informed Feyre he would be by for lunch. And then Feyre, as well as Elain, were gone. They had winnowed out, leaving him standing there alone, in pain, and again, full of guilt, as Vassa walked back to bed, muttering about Supid Fae Traditions, and Idiotic Mating Instincts. Lucien didn't say a word before going to bed.
He couldn't sleep that night.
The next day, Lucien did indeed, winnow in to meet with Feyre and Rhys for lunch, to discuss business. They looked as exhausted as he felt.
Lucien truly did not want to deal with talking business, and he knew Feyre and Rhys didn't either. They were all too tired, but none of them wanted to put it off. So they skipped small talk, and got straight to business, to get it done and over with as soon as possible.
When that was done, Lucien was going to leave. He was just about past the barrier that prevents winnowing, when he heard it.
"Lucien!"
Lucien froze in his tracks then, taken aback. He knew that voice, he would always know voice. But he had never heard that voice speak his name aloud. In the years they had known each other, she had never addressed him by name.
Slowly, so slowly, Lucien turned around, and there she was. There his mate stood, not six feet away from him. She looked nervous, embarrassed, tense, but she was acknowledging him, which was so much more than she usually did.
"I believe I owe you an explanation, as well as an apology."
And she did. She explained everything. He didn't fully understand it all, but she explained to him everything about his heartbeat. Explained how she had woken up the day prior to something feeling off, and that it wasn't until late at night that she realized the silence and lack of heartbeat, and how truly, truly terrified it made her, how she had never known fear like it. She went on to explain that his heartbeat was back that morning in her head, and how she never wanted to endure that silence again. She couldn't.
It was then that she mentioned wanted to explore and figure out their bond with him. And his heart soared in joy. The fact that Elain wanted to get to know him and explore the mating bond was some of the happiest news he'd ever heard.
Until after saying good bye to Elain that afternoon, and he remembered how he let her die in his nightmare to spare Jesmindas life and his heart sank again. He desperately wanted to explore this precious thing with Elain, and wouldn't deny her of it if that's what she wanted, but he truly feared that she wouldn't like what she found, who he was.
In the months since, Elain had come to him no less than three more times, drowning in terror because of the silence, she couldn't take the silence, she needed to make sure he was alright. She needed to fill the silence.
He would hold her as she clung to him her right ear always over his heart to listen, and reassure herself. They would calm down together, because seeing Elain so worked up in pure terror broke his heart into pieces.
Especially because by the third time it happened, he had realized the reason why it was happening. Each time it happened, Lucien had the same nightmare the night before. The same nightmare where he willingly let Elain die, choosing to save Jesminda, and the guilt sunk in deeper.
Eventually, Lucien willingly agreed to start spending more time in Velaris and with Vassa and Jurian barely ever separated anymore, clinging to each other, especially at night, he didn't feel overly guilty on spending a little less time with them.
That's where he was today. Coming back to the present after reminiscing over how he got here. A while year had passed since the first time Elain had scared him so much with her own pure blinding terror. He spent more time with her in Velaris now, than he did in the human lands.
He and Elain had just taken the next step in their relationship, this is because the only way she was able to fall asleep now, was if she fell asleep with her right ear over his heart.
He looked down at Elain, and smoothed down some of her hair before thinking of his dream the night before.
He was back, being made to watch Jesminda being murdered at his fathers hands. Except this time, he offered to spare Jesminda, in place of the life of the female behind him. Lucien didn't see the female, eyes locked solely on Jesminda, begging to let her live. He blindly agreed to his fathers request, anything to let Jesminda live.
This time however, before Beron could kill the female Lucien couldn't see, everything around him froze. Lucien looked around in confusion only to see Jesminda walking over to him.
"It's been a while hasn't it? Few hundred years." Jesminda said, releasing Lucien from his brothers grip, and pulling him out of the dream mentally so she could speak with him. "The Cauldron granted me a few minutes to speak with you, but I had to wait for you to have this nightmare specifically."
Lucien didn't even want to begin to understand how she had asked the cauldron to speak with him. Free from the script of this nightmare, he stood there, unable to stop the tears filling his russet eyes looking at Jesminda.
Jesminda saw, and smiled sadly. "I missed you too." She said, and Lucien found he could not speak. "Part of the rules. You, being alive, are not allowed to speak to me, being dead." Lucien didn't try to stop the sob, because he had so much he wanted to tell her.
"You can, however, speak to me, out there. In the world of being awake. I just, am unable to respond there, like you can't respond here." It took a moment before Lucien nodded his head in understanding.
Jesminda looked to Lucien and smiled a sad smile. "I know you miss me. I know you love me still, and always will. I'm always with you, and I hear you. And I can see the guilt you carry, because of me." She said, walking up to him, hovering her hand over his cheek. Lucien instinctively knew that it was because her hand would pass right through his face, and that's why she didn't try to touch him.
"You, Lucien, were my first, last, and only true love. I will always love you. There is nothing you can do, that will take that away from me. I will always love you. Yes, I am dead, and yes, you are alive. But I live on through the love we share."
Jesminda then turned and walked to where Beron was facing, indicating Lucien to follow, only to see Beron holding a knife to Elains heart. Elain, that's right, this nightmare ends with him cradling her dead body, because he chose Jesminda over her.
He went to take the knife away from Beron before it could stab his mates heart, but found he could no longer move. He looked to Jesminda, in panic. She returned his look with a sad smile.
"You won't see her die tonight, when I am done speaking, you will wake up, before this nightmare can finish." She said, again looking like she wanted to hold his face.
"I need to to stop feeling guilty. I know you miss me. I know you love me. But I am in your past. I was never your mate. I know we waited for the bond to snap into place, but it never was going to. That sweet girl right there, Elain? She's your mate. She is your future. And neither of you see it yet, but you are meant to be together. You both fit together perfectly." Jesminda smiled as some tears fell out of her own eyes.
"Live your life with her. I am at peace. I found peace the moment the two of you looked into each other's eyes that first time, and the mating bond snapped. I want you to be happy. I know that Elain can bring you happiness. There is nothing to feel guilty of. I've been dead for hundreds of years. I'm not coming back." Lucien let out a sob at that, wishing he could speak.
"Elain lost her first love, just as you lost me. Yes, the circumstances are drastically different, but it was still heartbreaking for her. Take this time given, and heal together. Take this opportunity given to the two of you, and be happy. I desperately want you to be happy Lucien. Promise me that you will try to be happy? It's all I want." Jesminda was crying in earnest now while speaking to him. Lucien nodded. Of course. He would give her this and try to fond happiness.
"Do me one more favour? When the two of you, you and Elain, have found happiness together, tell her I truly appreciate her so much, for being able to give you the happiness you so deserve, that I can no longer give you, and thank her for me. Tell her I say Thank You." Jesminda finished with blowing him a kiss before everything around him faded to black.
Lucien wiped the tears that were in his russet eye after coming back to the present. He never thought he would get the chance to see Jesminda again, let alone hear her voice. It broke his heart that she was gone, and he didn't know how long it would take but he would give her her last request and be happy.
He would take the opportunity the cauldron gave him, as far as Elain was comfortable with, however long it took, and find his happiness.
Lucien realized it was still dark out, still late, so he settled in to sleep for the rest of the night. Listening to Elains deep even breaths as she slept, a song in its own right, her song, he drifted off to sleep. After these nightmares, the sound of Elains breathing was Luciens favourite sound. Her song. It meant she was still alive.
The last thing he remembered thinking was his thanks to the Cauldron for blessing him that one last conversation with Jesminda.