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Death. Death would have been better than this. A nice funeral with all her friends and hopefully not family. Just a nice large plot, a beautiful painting and a nice little 12 foot tall statue. And the tears of her elder sister, it had been a while since Winter had even shown a spec of emotion. That's all she was asking for. Not, well, this nonsense. Streamers decorating the walls, signs clearly stolen from a supply closet with Birthday hastily scribbled out and replaced with adoption, and far too many balloons. But the others had by no means stopped there they had decorated themselves as well, with party hats and party horns whistling about. Blake had somehow even placed a hat, that had been a birthday hat selectively modified to say Adopted Girl, on Weiss while she slept.
"Happy Adoption Weiss." Winter congratulated her newly minted half sister as she held what was clearly the remains of the Huntress ceremony cake with several added toppings. All lopsided and covered with multiple colors of icing and sugary toppings with a large amount of fire hazards burning on top of it. The candle were what looked like shotgun shells with sticks poking out of the bottom. Everyone was waiting for her to attempt to blow out the no doubt improvised explosives.
"Kill me." Weiss muttered as she held the thousand yard stare.
"No time for that! Blow out the candles birthday girl!" Nora shouted clearly not paying attention. She was eager for cake.
"No."
"Come on Penguin Branwen no need to be so cold. Would you like to fly south for winter? Maybe take a ice cool dip in the tundra, or swim for some... fish..." Yang didn't get to finish her pun parade as the loud cracking of Weiss's neck as it ratcheted around full 180 degrees to face her. It silenced the room of all the horns and cheers.
"The FUCK did you just call me?" Weiss said as her eyes were emptied of light and replaced with darkness that Grimm would say 'damn that scary' to.
"Uh, don't be so cold?"
"No try again." Weiss said as her body cracked around to face her most likely half sister at this point.
"Uh..." Weiss approached her and for once in her life she actually looked larger than someone as Yang shrank down, "Penguin... Branwen..."
"That's right." She said with the most positive and reaffirming way that Ruby remembered from her tutoring, that usually meant she was wrong. Weiss shot her hands to Yang's throat and began choking the girl.
"Weiss! Calm Down! Please stop! Family shouldn't fight like thi-" Ruby didn't get to finish either as Weiss freed her other hand and began choking her as well.
"Oh shit! Weiss I feel confident in saying this now that both your hands are full, but when you make tea you tend to scorch the leaves." Blake complained at the wrong time almost sure the joke would calm her down. She however forgot about the summons only to be rightfully reminded by the Arma Gigas picking her up by the neck. Everyone was in a panic as they didn't know what to do. Winter however took pride as she cut herself a slice of cake, it was her cheat day after all.
"She's shorter than you so if you stand up she won't be able to choke you properly." Winter commented. Yang realized it to and stood up above Weiss breaking the strangling. Ruby did the same thing as she was ever so slightly taller than barefoot heel-less Weiss. Blake however was not taller than Arma Gigas as she dangled and kicked her legs around trying to grasp for air. Weiss not one to be defeated so easily kept her hands around their throats as she tried to cause them to explode. But it was clear she was sort of slightly calming down.
"Well her temper matches her height at least, Short." Winter insulted through a piece of cake.
"She gets that from Raven." Qrow commented as he stood amongst a pile of poorly wrapped presents. With a mixture of old newspaper, books from the library, whatever he could steal off of Ironwoods desk, and important technical manuals about the operation of Penny used in a slapdash and glue covered wrapping paper.
"And how did you manage to adopt me? You're a drunk who has no idea how to properly raise a child much less that you even had one!"
"Well first of all I did help raise two exceptional kids-"
"Less exceptional more prone to stumbling dick first into danger," Ironwood commented as he too got a slice of cake.
"AND SECOND! I know the only law that matters in Atlas." Qrow thumbed over at the cyborg. Weiss furrowed her eyebrows as she was planning on taking the two of them apart the hard way. But Weiss stopped when she heard the sobbing of her sister who was blowing her nose into a birthday napkin.
"I'll always remember you as Weiss Schnee. The little sister always creepily following me room to room as you struggled to walk with those fat little baby legs."
"Yes I remember our childhood-"
"Childhood? This was last week." Weiss scowled at her older sister before she continued anyway.
"But the three of us are still family."
"Three of us?" Winter had a look of mild confusion on her face.
"Whitley."
"Oh right the youngest sister..."
"Brother." Winter looked more bewildered at the acknowledgement that she had a little brother.
"But now you must flap your wings and... slide across the ice, Penguin Branwen."
"What is it with all of you calling me that?"
"Well everyone in the Branwen family is named after a creature in the avian category." Qrow explained like it was rocket science even though she was sure he didn't fully understand every word of it.
"So everyone in the family is named after birds? Then explain Yang! She's not named after a bird she's named after her father."
"Because she's a Xiao Long not a Branwen. When dad and Qrow get married then we all have the option of changing our names." Ruby explained as she and Yang tried to pry the hand of Arma Gigas open to free Blake.
"Which brings to mind, when are you gonna propose?" Yang asked through her teeth as the Arma Gigas dissolved dropping Blake into her arms.
"I'm not." Qrow shrugged as he stood there with a bewildered look. But Ruby and Yang both gave the puppy eyes, "Look, the last 3 times I proposed I got shot down each time."
"Who would be stupid enough... Wait are you counting the time you proposed to me five minutes ago?!" Winter chided.
"Calm down number 3, I only offered that so you would get the once in a lifetime chance of being the mother of your little sister. Think about having the power of telling her to go to her room and she actually has to do it," Qrow explained in the most unreasonable yet oddly logical, "Plus it would kill Ironwood inside to see his daughter and me together."
"Ha joke's on you dumb shit. I'm already dead inside!" Ironwood called out from arm wrestling Nora for the remaining cake.
"Well. Now that I've considered-"
"Winter if you do this I will poke holes in all of the condoms and burn all of your birth control." Weiss and Winter were at an impasse as they very clearly didn't care about the actual problem and likely had a lack of understanding about fake marriages. While the newly half sisters were locked into a deadly staring contest Qrow picked up one of the presents. He tossed it at Weiss as she caught it in a glyph without even looking at it.
"Happy birthday sorry I wasn't there for 19 years... I got you 19 presents to make up for it." Weiss didn't even flinch as she redirected the Glyph throwing the package out the window.
"Hey! That was expensive!"
"You can't buy my love!" Weiss proclaimed as she continued the contest. Ironwood stood next to Qrow as they watched the contest. Neither of the competitors were moving. They remained perfectly motionless as the spectators began to question if they had accidentally frozen.
"She gets this stubbornness from your side of the family." Qrow commented.
"I'll kill you if you ever imply we're family again."
"...What is it called when we share the mother of our children?"
"...Cucking?" Ironwood looked a little confused as he actually gave it a thought, "Better question would be are you getting married to your step daughter?"
"... Is that permission?"
"You have as much permission to marry my daughter as I have to abandon Mantle." They shared a look as Qrow thought about it.
"Do you think they're ever going to stop?" Yang asked Blake.
"Put me down."
"I mean they've been staring for several minutes now and I'm worried their eyes will dry out." Yang didn't even acknowledge Blake, who Yang was still holding in a bridal carry.
"I do not approve of this."
"I mean Ruby and I have little competitions like this all the time, but it's never over me marrying Summer... stupid dead mom... not letting me marry her to become Ruby's stepmom." Yang was off in her own little world and Blake was beginning to resign herself to living in Yang's arms.
"If I kiss you will you put me down?" And Yang was back! Yang immediately dropped her.
"Ow!"
"No complain me want kiss."
"I never said it would be now! You'll have to get in line behind Illia... and Sun... and Adam's corpse... and Jaune... and Weiss... and that one short red haired girl you're so fond of..."
"CUCK!" Ruby shouted as she watched from the sidelines. She still hadn't gotten her kiss either. She wasn't bitter about it. But getting Blake that naughty book was humiliating and she hadn't even gotten a kiss yet. As Nora finished off the last of the cake Ren had to ask.
"Was that necessary?"
"I'm preparing for my baby, Ren." Nora said as she slapped her belly.
"What baby?" Ren asked as he wasn't sure what was happening.
"The one you're going to put inside of me!"
"AH... No."
"Either you admit you like me or I'm taking Jaune to the bathroom and he's making me an Arc baby right now!" Nora shouted as Jaune's attention was drawn to them.
"Do I have a say in this?"
"Jaune thank you for making this sacrifice." Ren said as he practically ran from her. Jaune just turned to look at her with the least confident look ever.
"I firmly and vehemently refuse-"
"Take off your pants." Nora commanded. Jaune had two options, take off his clothes and become a father, or die. He was thinking more and more about the second option each moment. Nora didn't give him much choice as he began to sob as he began to unbutton his shirt, "Guys I got Jaune to be the Stripper! You can cancel the one that refused to come!"
Winter and Weiss had yet to break eye contact.
In Schnee manor Whitley was debating running away. Yes, his father wasn't his real father but he still raised him. That had to count for something, like they say bond is better than blood. Whitley made his way to Jacques's office intent on talking to him, "Father-"
"I'm not your father. Go away." And with that Whitley ran crying through the halls. There was no one to watch him cry though, Klein had left so his real father was likely gone... Wait does that mean he'll go bald if Klein's his father? Oh that's not good.
Willow however was too busy drunkenly screwing the new short maid they had. The small girl was quite demanding for only being a few inches tall but that didn't make it any less sensual.
Neo however was enjoying herself as she had been told to retrieve information for Cinder. She can do that herself! Right now Neo was enjoying the thickest white meat she had ever eaten. And sex with Willow was pretty good to.
I'm so full of shit. I guess it's not a oneshot anymore. But it won't receive long chapters either or frequent updates.