Chapter 2

Big Tech

Nervously, Gloria entered the corporate headquarters of Big City's largest hi-tech company, approaching the receptionist's desk. Though Cricket assured her everything was set in place and that they would be expecting her, she was a bit unsure… after all, Cricket had a somewhat stilted understanding of the real world.

"Good morning," she said to the receptionist. "My name is Gloria Sato, and I have an appointment today?"

The receptionist looked at her screen. "I do not see an appointment for a Gloria Sato."

Gloria groaned. "It might be under 'Gloria Coffeelady."

The receptionist brightened. "Ah. Yes, please proceed to the testing lab, fourth floor, room 415B, Also, let me take this opportunity to assure you that I am a real human female and not an android."

"See… the fact that you felt the need to tell me you're not an android just makes me think you're an android even more."

The receptionist cocked her head to the side. "Hmmm… system processing… attempt to prevent doubt only increases doubt… illogical… error… error…. Does not compute…." Sparks began to shoot out of her ears. "System failure… rebooting, rebooting, rebooting…"

A man in a jumpsuit merged from a door in the back of the lobby. "It happened again, didn't it," he commented.

"Yeah, maybe you guys should take out the piece of code that makes them try to convince people they're real."

"Of course. I, a real human male and not an android, have often brought that up in the development meetings to my fellow humans," the maintenance guy stated.

"O…kay… I'll just be going on to my meeting," Gloria responded, not wanting to ruin yet another android.

Gloria wasn't certain just what she was expecting. Bubbling beakers full of unnaturally colored substances, comically large banks of computer equipment, perhaps. The room she was directed to just looked like an ordinary waiting room with a large landscape portrait on one wall. Gloria wasn't particularly a fan. Art should say something, she believed. All this said was "Here's a hill in the countryside." The room also contained a few standard waiting room chairs and a coffee table with some science-focused magazines. Now, Gloria didn't consider herself a stupid person by any means. A bit too trusting on occasion, but not stupid; still, science was not her life's focus and she didn't find any of the magazines particularly compelling. "The Benefits of Quasi-Distributed Logical Architecture" meant nothing to her.

The door set in the wall next to that large panting opened, admitting a figure Gloria had previously only seen on screens. Gwendolyn Zapp wasn't particularly imposing in person; she looked like your typical businesswoman save for a glint in her eyes that suggested that her mind was always racing, in directions it perhaps shouldn't.

"Ah, you must be Ms. Coffelady," she said.

"It's Sato, and I really need to ask you to write that down somewhere because frankly, this bit is getting old," I replied. Maybe it wasn't the most auspicious first thing to say, but she was really getting tired of being called by the wrong name. Hers was a name with a venerated history, dating back to emperors… or so her uncle once claimed, but he was known to stretch the truth from time to time. Gloria wasn't entirely convinced that he was the one that invented the California Roll.

"Right, sorry. So… you're here because two small children told me to hire you and it seemed like a good idea."

"Mmmm…hmmm…" Yep, it was entirely possible that Gwendolyn Zapp wasn't all there. And yet, she was a multi-kajillionaire. "So, uh… what exactly will I be doing?"

"Well, today, you'll be testing one of our upcoming products." She handed over a bottle full of a clear orange liquid.

"What is this?"

"We're working on a line of drinks that will bring out the inner human potential," she replied.

"What, like sports drinks, smart drinks…"

"That's what we're trying to find out. Go on, give it a try…"

"And… I'm getting paid for this?"

"Yep. Drink that bottle and you get this stack of money!" she confirmed, waving a bunch of bills in er other hand.

This did seem like a bad idea, but Gloria did need money, and Gwendolyn was offering what looked like a large amount of it, and all she had to do was drink this stuff, and they couldn't test this kind of thing out on humans if it was that dangerous, could they? Reassuring herself thusly, she took the offered bottle and took an experimental sip. It was certainly odd-tasting… more savory than sweet, and with a sort of odd aftertaste. "Huh… it doesn't taste like I expected. What flavor is this, exactly? Persimmon? Pumpkin?"

"Haggis!" replied Zapp proudly.

Someone else would probably have spit it out at this point. Not Gloria. She was used to this sort of thing; her grandma was always sending her weird snacks from Japan. Cricket had been particularly fascinated by a cod-flavored candy bar. "And why is it haggis-flavored?" she asked.

"You know, I'm not sure. I'll have to ask the head of drink R&D, Angus MacKennoch. So…. What are your thoughts?"

"Well, it's probably going to be an acquired taste… you might want to look into flavors people actually like."

"Good. That's just the kind of valuable feedback we're looking for. Are you noticing any… unusual side effects?"

"Like… what kind of side effects…" Gloria asked suspiciously.

"Oh, the usual… dizziness, nausea, rashes, déjà vu, IBS, negative karma, déjà vu, existential dread, a sudden urge to purchase cryptocurrency, hallucinations of a swirling portal to the nether realms, déjà vu, an appreciation for zydeco music that you didn't previously have, the increasing belief that you are, in fact, the reincarnation of the legendary Carthaginian general Hannibal, Wandering Spleen Syndrome, déjà vu, squirrels becoming irresistibly attracted to you, or déjà vu. Contact us if any of those things happen."

"…can I please have my money now?"

On the drive back to the Greens, Gloria became aware of an itchy sensation developing above her upper lip, but dismissed it as a psychosomatic thing brought on by Zapp's long list of disturbing side effects. Otherwise, she felt fine. She didn't feel particularly smarter than she had, but how exactly would you be aware of something like that anyway?

It was upon finally arriving at the farm that Gloria first became aware of the fact that something was… off. Something about the air was distinctly more… unpleasant. Especially around all the farm animals. In fact, she was starting to feel more than a little nauseous. She quickly hurried past the animals as fast as she could and entered the main house.

"Guys," she said, "have you noticed there's something really odd in the air outside? Seriously, I was having trouble breathing for a sec-" She paused, aware that Bill, Nancy, and the kids were staring. "What is it? Is there a stain on my shirt or-"

"Uh, Gloria," Bill said, clearly trying not to stare but failing, "I don't know how to tell you this… so I'll let Nancy do it."

Nancy glared. "See, stuff like this is why we divorced, Bill."

"I just thoughts she'd take it better coming from a fellow woman is all," Bill replied nervously, his eyes darting back and forth.

Nancy rolled her eyes in response. She cleared her throat. "Gloria, there's… something on your face."

"Something on my face? Like, a pimple or…" She felt around unto she came to the area between her eyes and upper lip, but it wasn't a smooth expanse of skin as it should be. There was… something. A bump. Too large and firm to be a zit. Roughly a triangular pyramid in shape, with two small holes on its underside.

And to her horror, Gloria realized… she was breathing through it.

Shrieking in revulsion, she clamped her hands over the facial growth an ran to the bathroom, fearing what she might see in the mirror but knowing she had to see it. She lowly removed her hands from her face and took a look.

The strange little nub was the same purple as the rest of her skin, as if it was something that belonged there and not an aberrant tumorous protrusion that had spontaneously manifested. She found that if she though about it, she could wiggle is a bit, or flare out its corners. More so, she found she was almost uconsciously doing the majority of her breathing through it now, rather than her mouth as she should have been.

She was uncertain just what she was dealing with. Except for one thing.

She was absolutely, positively going to sure Gwendolyn Zapp into oblivion.

"Now, ma, she's probably very sensitive about her, uh, growth," Bill warned Alice. "So, please try to be discreet about it, all right?"

"Boy, you think I can't be tactful when I wanna be?" Alice snapped back. "What makes you think that?"

"Pretty much your entire recorded history," Nancy muttered under her breath.

"Look, she's coming out," Bill whispered. "Everyone, just, try to be gentle."

"I can be plenty gen- Sweet sassy molassy, what the sam hill you got on your face, girl?"

At Gloria's whimper, Nancy shot her mother-in-law an icy glare. "Hon, it ain't that bad. It gives your face, uh, character…"

"Yeah, cartoon character," Alice added snarkily.

Gloria groaned. "I can't believe this. Why can't anything go right for me?" She whipped her head around and stared down Cricket. "I should've known this would happen. It was too good to be true. They don't just give you big stacks of money for testing harmless things!"

"Now… calm down, Gloria," the boy said. "Maybe there's an upside to having a hideous growth on your face?"

"If there is, I can't see…" Suddenly, her nose twitched slightly. "Huh… I'm… detecting something. Something really, really nice. It's coming from… the kitchen…"

"Don't you go touchin' my fresh-baked apple pie!" cautioned Alice. "It's still gotta cool afore anyone can have a bite!"

"That's it!" Gloria realized. "You made a pie and I can… sense it somehow…"

"Witchcraft!" declared Cricket. "Witchcraft and psychic phenomena!"

"No, brother," Tilly corrected. "I think I understand what's going on. It's said that animals have a sort of… fifth sense. And that's centered in the thing animals have that people don't. They have… noses. Gloria is the first human to have a nose."

"Well, I don't want it!" Gloria complained. "Even though that pie is making my nose really happy right now…"

""Ewwww," Bill remarked. "Could you not put it that way?"

"Well, I don't know how else to put it. Nobody's ever had one of these before. The words for the sensation don't exist. Do I need to invent them? The pie… fleepflorps good."

"Fleepflorp?" asked Nancy.

"First thing that popped into my mind," Gloria admitted.

"So, uh… what are you going to do now?" Bill asked.

"Oh, I know exactly what I'm gonna do. Get some answers our of Gwendolyn Zapp.

A.N.: So, yeah! Gloria has a *shudder* nose. The horror! I'm sure references have been made to smelling things on BCG before, but for comedy's sake I'm pretending that no noses means no sense of smell or even the concept of such.

Jose: Glad you can follow.

I'm probably gonna go back to my other story after this chapter, but I wanted to get the basic premise established before I did. Next: Why did this happen?