It starts out innocent enough. But he starts sleeping over a lot, and the more time they spend together, the less sense her boundaries of friendship make. He learned early on just to follow her lead, not initiate anything she hasn't already initiated first, but it doesn't make things any less complicated. And most of the time he's able to convince himself that this is just fun, that they can just be friends-with-certain-benefits behind Dallas's back and that he doesn't care that she has a boyfriend because he hates Dallas anyway, but sometimes in the quiet moments, he can feel himself falling. And he knows it won't be a soft landing.

He starts hating himself a little bit for feeling these things, because that's what will ruin everything if he isn't careful. And as much as he enjoys whatever physical relationship he can get with Ally, his friendship with her is something he isn't sure he could handle losing. She's sweet and fun and dorky and he always finds himself happier around her, laughing with her even when he's been in a bad mood all day. But if he can't get a handle on his feelings for her, he doesn't know how they'll still be able to be friends, especially when his blood already heats with jealousy whenever Dallas is around even now, when he's still fully denying the fact that he's falling at all.

(Icarus, Sun. Sun, Icarus. Now, play nice)

The fourth time he slept at her apartment, as he was just getting comfortable in bed with Ally in his arms, she had kissed his neck. It was soft at first, the barest brush of her lips against his skin, and he originally thought nothing of it. But then she did it again, with a little more pressure, and his arm had involuntarily tightened around her, and then she had pressed closer to him and kept doing it.

Austin hadn't known Ally left a mark until Trish burst out laughing as soon as she saw him the next day.

The next time he slept over, she made him face her in the bed and pressed her lips to his. He vaguely remembered making a promise that this wouldn't happen again after the first time they kissed, but he was a little too busy to worry about it. She had moved on top of him, and his hand was in her hair while his other arm was wrapped tightly around her, holding her to him, and she smiled against his lips. Then his hands were on her hips and her ass and under her shirt and she had whispered his name like a prayer and he was gone.

After that, she spent the next few times he was over exploring him with her hands in the morning. It was innocent enough at first—more innocent than making out, anyway, and it felt a lot easier to get away with under the covers—but almost inevitably it got…less than innocent. The first time her fingers started slipping below his waistband he had grabbed her wrist and asked her what she was doing.

"I'm doing a friend a favor," she had said, as simply as if she was pouring him a coffee or helping him with his taxes.

And he had let her.

At this point, he's pretty sure she hardly spends any time with her boyfriend anymore, and way more time than is probably healthy with him. Her…friend.

Yet, despite the feelings and confusion and self-hatred and Dallas, he still finds himself locked in the bathroom with her at a party hosted by the boyfriend himself.

"I really hope you don't blow all your friends in bathrooms at parties," he mutters with some bitterness as he zips up his pants and catches his breath.

Ally, still on her knees in front of him (fuck), sits back on her heels to look up at him with dark eyes and wild hair and flushed cheeks. "The bathrooms are usually busy, so I've always just found a dark corner instead."

He snorts in spite of himself and offers a hand to help her up. "Right."

She grins. "It's not all my friends either. Only the sexy ones."

He leans back against the sink and rests his hands on her hips. "This is extremely fucked up, you know."

"What, because I don't want anything in return?"

"Well, yes, but this whole thing is fucked up."

"I'm just being a good friend. And as far as Dallas goes, if I'm not receiving, I'm not deceiving."

He snorts again and shakes his head. "Your rules of what is and isn't cheating make zero sense."

She shrugs. "Yeah, well, apparently Cassidy was here with Dallas last night, so I don't really care."

Austin rolls his eyes. "Ally, why are you still with this guy? He's clearly a douchebag, and…" He clears his throat. "I mean…we have something, don't we?"

"It's—"

"Complicated," Austin sighs. "I know."

He's not sure what he expected. She gives him the same answers every time he brings up the Dallas topic, and he never leaves the conversation feeling any less confused. But as she looks at him with softening eyes and drapes her arms around his neck, the now constant falling in his stomach becomes more intense. He clasps his hands on her lower back.

"We can stop," she says, searching his eyes. "I know things are very fucked up."

"I'm not saying I want to stop," he says. "I just…I dunno, I feel weird not…reciprocating." He makes a face at the next thought in his head. "And I feel even weirder knowing that he—"

Now she makes a face. "How about we don't talk about my sex life with Dallas," she says. "And how about instead, we Uber home and eat ice cream till we fall asleep or puke?"

He watches her. "I think I might head back to my apartment tonight," he says.

She sighs. "Please don't be mad at me."

He shakes his head, tightening his arms around her a little. "I'm not mad." She frowns up at him, and he brushes a strand of hair out of her face. "Promise."

"You'd tell me if you were?"

I couldn't be mad at you if I tried. "Yes," he says. "But I'm not. I'm just really tired, and I'd probably be no fun anyway."

She nudges him gently. "You're always fun."

"Next time, okay?"

She nods, giving him a small smile. "Okay." Then she checks her phone. "It's a quarter till. Wanna leave at two? We can split an Uber."

He shrugs and nods, even though he knows he should probably get away from her as soon as possible. But by the time the thought crosses his mind, he's too busy shoving his tongue down her throat to care.

"If you're gonna live here now, either wear a shirt in the common areas or share the love," Trish's voice comes from behind him as he rummages around the kitchen in Ally's apartment a few weeks later.

Austin turns around, raising an eyebrow. "Share what love?" Trish looks him up and down shamelessly, and he crosses his arms. "Also, why are you awake before noon?" He has never once seen Trish out of her room this early. This early being nearly lunch time, but still.

"Because there's a giant blonde heathen invading my apartment and slamming cabinets in my kitchen."

"I thought you wanted me to share the love."

"Not before I'm awake."

"Well, you're out of Cocoa Puffs. It's either scavenge or starve."

"I don't care what you do, just do it quietly."

"Sorry."

"You're just lucky the only person I care about more than myself is Ally. Where is she, anyway?"

"Still asleep," Austin says, turning to open the cabinet again and grabbing a Pop-Tart. He leans against the counter as he opens the foil.

"Ally never sleeps this late." When he looks up at Trish, she's glaring at his breakfast. He offers her one of the Pop-Tarts inside the foil, but she simply transfers her glare to him.

"We were up late," he says with a shrug. At Trish's quirked eyebrow, he feels his cheeks heat and looks away. "Talking." Slightly more than talking.

"I have ears."

"We weren't—I'm not—" He hesitates. "We're still just friends," he says defensively, like the broken record he's been playing in his head since the first time Ally kissed him.

Trish raises her hands in mock surrender. "Sure you are. Well, now that you have your breakfast, can I enjoy my Saturday sleeping in without you ruining it?"

He nods, his mouth already full of the pastry, and Trish rolls her eyes and walks back into her room.

A few minutes later, Ally emerges from her room, yawning and running a hand through her tangled hair. He pretends not to feel his heart speed up at the sight of her. She's wearing the hoodie he had on last night and her too-short pajama shorts.

"Morning," she sighs with a sleepy smile, each blink of her eyes still slow with sleep. He nods a greeting, still chewing on his last bite, as she walks over to him. He feels slightly trapped, already leaning against the counter and with nowhere else to go as she gets closer. But he knows he wouldn't move even if he could, as much as he continues trying to convince himself otherwise.

"You ate all our Cocoa Puffs," she says.

He swallows. "Sorry. I'll buy you more."

Ally yawns again and wraps her arms around his torso, leaning into him with her cheek pressed against his bare chest. Surely she can feel his heart pounding, but she doesn't mention it. He rests a hand low on her back. Too low for a friend, he thinks. But he doesn't move his hand.

"Being with you is so easy," she says softly, and he feels a pang in his chest. "I know the circumstances are complicated, but being with you…It's a lot easier than being with Dallas has ever been."

He swallows, pulling back a little before he drowns in her words and her warmth. "Speaking of Dallas, though…what does he think you're doing all this time you're spending with me?"

She shrugs, giving him one of those conspiratorial smiles that make him slightly weak in the knees as she plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. "Homework. I'm very dedicated to my studies, you know. And, being a double-major and in honors classes, it's a heavy workload."

Austin raises an eyebrow. "And he just buys that?"

"He tends to underestimate me."

"I underestimated you, too."

She laughs a little. "Big mistake. Also, this is completely unrelated, but…you look really good in the morning. It's unfair."

He feels his cheeks heat up, but he gives her a lazy smile. "It's the gray sweats."

Ally nods, smiling back at him. "Definitely. And the fact that you wake up with sex hair." She reaches up and runs a hand through his hair slowly, as if to prove her point.

And as the Sun pulls his head down to kiss him, Icarus feels his broken wings melt completely off his back.

Being out in public with her is almost harder than being alone with her. Because when they're out in public, he knows people in passing assume they're a couple. And why shouldn't they? Austin and Ally hold hands wherever they go, flirt like nobody else is around, and he knows the way he looks at her isn't the way friends look at each other.

So as they sit on the beach watching the sunset after spending all day there together, he can't help but imagine that she really is his girlfriend, that her kissing his cheek and resting her head on his shoulder is perfectly normal and not evidence of an unhealthy tryst. He wraps an arm around her and pulls her close, because that's all he really can do, knowing that he's completely fallen for a girl he can't actually, truly be with.

She must sense his change in mood because she lifts her head, and he feels her watching him.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

He glances over at her and shakes his head. "Nothing. It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," she says, nudging his shoulder with hers. "Talk to me."

He sighs, looking down. "I guess I'm just…bummed you're still with Dallas. But I know it's complicated and I respect that and I'm glad I get to spend any time with you. It's just hard, I guess."

Ally doesn't respond for a while. Then she nudges him again, and he meets her eyes. She gives him a small smile, glowing in the fading sunlight. "I do like you," she says. "You make me really happy."

Then why the fuck are you still with Dallas?

But as her words sink in, he finds himself smiling a little, too. It's the first real confession of feelings either of them has given. And it came from her first.

"You make me happy, too."

She hesitates. "I'm still…figuring things out. Thank you for being so patient. I doubt most people would be."

"I'm in a little over my head," he admits. "But I trust you."

"You probably shouldn't. I'm cheating on my boyfriend."

Austin laughs a little. "Well, who could blame you for that? I mean, look at me."

Now Ally laughs, rolling her eyes good-naturedly and resting her head on his shoulder again. "Maybe the reason I'm still with him is just to check that ego of yours."

He drapes his arm around her shoulders, pressing a kiss to her hair before resting his cheek on her head just as the sun disappears past the horizon. "You like my ego," he says.

"I like you."

"Because of my ego."

She giggles. "In spite of your ego. But, in your defense, I suppose it's warranted."

"That's very mature of you to say, thank you."

They're silent for a while, and then she takes a breath as if she's going to say something else, but she just slowly lets it out. It kind of sums up their relationship—on the verge of something, but never quite getting there. He pushes the thought away as soon as it crosses his mind and gently shrugs her head off his shoulder. When she looks at him in confusion, he rests his thumb on her chin and kisses her, more gently than he ever has before. She releases a soft sigh and he feels her lips curve into a smile as she responds just as gently, and he hopes that means she understands everything he can't bring himself to say.

After that, something in her changes. She goes from dragging his lips back to hers if his mouth trails anywhere below her collarbone and playing innocent even as she's getting him off to pushing his head lower and lower and whispering for more more more.

She comes from his hands and his mouth alone, and it brings out an ugly side of him that he isn't particularly proud of.

"Dallas," he says through gritted teeth, leaning back over her red, panting form as she recovers.

"Don't," she manages, opening her eyes to look at him. The angry blaze in her eyes is enough to tell him she understands what he's asking, but her irises are so dark with lust he can't tell the difference between them and her dilated pupils.

He narrows his eyes. "Has he ever—?"

She squeezes her eyes shut. "No, okay?! I knew…I figured the problem was me, and that's why I didn't let you test the theory."

"You knew you weren't the problem. You just didn't want me to prove it. Until now."

She opens her eyes. "You just had to be fucking perfect, didn't you?"

"I'm not perfect. He's just the worst. Why are you still with him?"

"Because he's my boyfriend, Austin."

"Your boyfriend who you hardly spend any time with. Who you lie to and cheat on because you're not happy or even satisfied in the relationship and you admitted you like me."

She pushes him off her and they both sit up. "You don't know what you're talking about," she says as she grabs his discarded shirt off the bed next to her and pulls it on, though a part of him is still replaying her writhing beneath him and moaning his name on loop. "You're just jealous because he's my boyfriend and you're not."

That snaps him out of it. His nose twitches in anger despite the painful lurch in his chest. "Jealous of what?" he asks. "I'm the one you spend all your time with! I'm the one you go on dates with, I'm the one you sleep with almost every fucking night, and I'm the one you say you actually like!"

"I like Dallas, too," she says through gritted teeth, and somewhere in the back of his mind he registers that her eyes are tearing up.

"So you feel the same way around him you do around me? He makes you feel the way I do?"

"Yes," she says, lifting her chin, even as tears spill over her cheeks.

"And that's why I'm the only one of us who's ever made you come."

Her fists clench at her sides. "Fuck you, Austin."

"Why me? You'd rather fuck your boyfriend, wouldn't you?"

"Relationships are more than just sex."

"Okay. When was the last time you hung out with him?" She doesn't say anything. "Maybe that one was too difficult. When was the last time he made you smile? Complimented you? Gave you any indication he cares about you at all?" She looks away from him. "Ally, when was the last time you even talked to him?"

When she still doesn't say anything, he grabs her phone off the nightstand, fully expecting her to slap him or take it out of his hands or something. But she lets him. She doesn't even look at him as he unlocks it, opens her texts, finds her last exchange with Dallas.

"Three weeks," she mutters before he has a chance to say it.

Before they even had their conversation at the beach.

"Three weeks," she repeats, louder this time, meeting his eyes defiantly as new tears create glistening streaks down her face. "Does that make you happy, Austin? Does that make you feel special?"

"I just don't understand."

"Maybe this isn't something you can understand! You can't possibly know how I'm feeling and the simple truth is that Dallas is still my boyfriend because I want him to be!"

"Then what the fuck am I even doing here, Ally?"

"I don't know!"

They glare at each other, panting, for a minute. Two. Then, as soon as he feels his throat tighten, he gets out of there as fast as he possibly can, slamming the door on his way out.

As soon as he leaves her room, he realizes he's only in his jeans, that she was wearing his shirt. But he hears her break down crying as his own tears escape his eyes, so instead of going back for it and ending up apologizing like he knows he would as soon as he saw her, he leaves it, and her, hating himself the entire time.

And so Icarus fell into the sea and drowned.

so the consensus is that i can't write anything even remotely approaching slightly *spicy* to save my life! everybody say thank you religious trauma! but we're all here for the angst let's be real bc damn that angst tho

anyway school's out, i'm obsessed with netflix's shadow & bone, and i'm thinking about getting a kitten but the one i wanted got adopted two hours before i was supposed to go meet her. so havarti the cat this one is for u i hope u found a good home i love u

kay thanks love you bye