In Death There Is Life
Chapter 2
Maura hadn't been to Jane and Luke's apartment often-just Jane's place now she thought to herself sadly. In fact she had only been a few times, once when they had moved in and a couple of times to drop mail off for Luke.
Maura looked around the apartment as she stepped into the kitchen- it was a beautiful apartment, spacious for a one bedroom. The kitchen was open plan with the counter tops, cupboards and sink on one side and a beautiful four seat table built into the wall on the other side. The lounge area was minimalistic, one bookcase leant against the wall with a three seater sofa in the middle of the room facing the TV. The actual décor was beautifully done, something Maura had put down to Jane because Luke had terrible taste, always had done ever since Maura could remember. She remembers once when Luke was 17, Maura had agreed that he could decorate his bedroom by himself without any input from Maura…suffice to say she had never let him loose in regards to decorating again. Maura smiled at the memory…God, she missed him so much and it had only been two weeks, she really didn't know how she was going to get through the rest of her life without him. She dreaded the thought because she knew it was going to be a long life without him, after all she was only 57 which was by no means old, especially when she was looking at a lifetime without her son…
Angela had brewed the coffee as soon as they got inside the apartment. She had apparently decided it was a good idea to forgo alcohol not that Jane minded, she hadn't eaten much since she got the phone call and she really didn't know how her body would react to alcohol.
They sat around the table in the kitchen in silence, not knowing what to say- what was there to say? Luke was dead and he had just been buried, nothing anyone said would change that. Unsurprisingly, it was Angela who broke the silence. 'it was a lovely send off Maura, Luke would have been happy with it.' Jane rolled her eyes at her mother, Maura sipped on her coffee, not because she wanted it but because she didn't know what else to do. She looked from Jane and Angela, noting that Jane was looking older than her years-Luke's death had aged her. 'yes I think he would have approved of the service, no fuss.' Maura sighed, she just couldn't grasp that she was talking about her son in this way, in the past tense. She held in the tears that threatened to fall, she couldn't and wouldn't cry in front of Angela and Jane. She had always been taught that it wasn't proper to show emotion although, she had to admit it was hard to stick to that particular rule at this moment. She quickly changed the subject. 'when will you be going back to work Jane? I imagine the police department are keen for you to go back.'
Jane looked at Maura so thankful for the change in topic. She wasn't sure how long she could keep it together. 'I'm not sure yet, my Captain has been understanding but they will want to know roughly when I am coming back…they need to find a replacement for me if I decide to take a few months off…' Angela cut in before Maura had a chance to speak 'Jane, don't you think you will be better off going back to work sooner rather than later? Keep your mind occupied.' Angela said it with the best intentions but Jane couldn't help think it was a stab at her for not marrying Luke. 'Just because Luke and I never married doesn't mean we loved each other any less Ma, it still hurts as much as if he was my husband.' A sob escaped Jane's lips, she could have kicked herself for being so weak 'sorry Ma, today has just been so overwhelming.' Both Angela and Maura looked at Jane with sad eyes, Angela reached over and gently laid her hand on top of Jane's 'of course you loved each other Jane I know that, I didn't mean anything by it.' Jane offered her mother a slight smile, having no energy to do anything else. Jane sipped coffee, it tasted bitter, everything tasted bitter now…
Maura and Jane moved to the living room once Angela had left. Jane had got the wine out of the fridge as soon as Angela left. She brought two wine glasses and sat down next to Maura. She poured both of them a large glass of wine. She drank hers down within seconds, quickly pouring herself another one. Maura sipped her wine, desperately wanting to down it like Jane just did but she held back, not wanting to lose control, she was barley holding it together as it it was.
Jane ran her hand through her hair before draining the last of her wine, 'two bottles down, a lot more to go' Jane got up from the sofa and headed towards the kitchen. Maura followed her, concerned. 'Jane, maybe you have had enough for tonight.' Maura placed her hand gently on Jane's shoulder. Jane froze, her shoulders slumped forward and she began to sob.
Maura placed her hands on Jane's face and wiped her tears away with her thumbs. 'I'm so fucking angry with him Maura, how could he leave me? I don't know how I'm going to live without him.' Jane once again began to sob, Maura pulled her closer, Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's waist. Maura began to cry, she could no longer be strong, she didn't care that she looked weak right now. 'I miss him too Jane, he was my beautiful, kind boy.' Jane pulled away and looked Maura in the eyes 'I'm sorry Maura, here I am talking about Luke's death like it only affected me, you lost your son, I'm so sor-' Jane was cut off mid-sentence by Maura's lips on hers.
Jane was stunned, one minute they were comforting each other and then next, Maura was kissing her. Maura ran her tongue over Jane's bottom lip, trying to get access. In a moment of madness mixed with grief, Jane opened her mouth and allowed Maura's tongue to enter her mouth, she even began to kiss back. For some reason it didn't feel wrong to Jane even though she knew she shouldn't be kissing Maura. A moan escaped Maura's mouth, which brought Jane to her senses. Reality of the situation came crashing down and Jane pushed Maura away albeit gently. Maura was just as shocked as Jane, she looked at Jane wide eyed, trying desperately to think of something, anything to say…
Jane was the first to speak, she laughed slightly 'Jesus Maura, I think we have both had a little too much to drink.' she ran her hand through her hair not knowing what else to say or do. Maura turned away from Jane, not able to look her in the eyes 'I'm sorry Jane, I don't know why I did that, I really don't, I mean, I'm not even gay…' Maura trailed off. Jane moved towards Maura and put her hand on her shoulder, Maura turned to look at Jane. 'Hey, don't apologise Maura, it's been a really emotional day and I kissed you back so I guess we are both fucked up.' Maura laughed at Jane's words, not because they were particularly funny but because they held an element of truth. They were both fucked up at the moment, losing Luke had done that to them both, the kiss, Maura reasoned was their way of dealing with their shared grief…
'still I am sorry Jane, but I think you are right, we have both had an emotionally charged day and we have both most definitely had too much to drink.' Jane let out a breath she didn't know she was holding 'Let's just forget about it Maura, I think we should head to bed, its way too late for you to get a taxi now so I think you should sleep in the guest room?' Maura held up her hands in protest but quickly put them down again, Jane was right it was too late for her to get a taxi-where the hell had the time gone, it seemed only a few hours since Angela had left but in fact, it had been around 8 hours. 'I think that's a good idea Jane.' Jane turned and headed towards the stairs, followed by Maura. Once upstairs, Jane showed Maura to the guest room before retiring to her own room. She sat on her bed and touched her fingers to her lips, she could still feel Maura's mouth pressed against them…
Jane tossed and turned, no matter how many times she turned she just couldn't settle, forget about sleeping-every time she closed her eyes she saw Luke, his beautiful brown eyes and his wide smile. He was always smiling and joking around. God! She missed him so much and it had only been a few weeks, she had no idea how she was supposed to get through the rest of her life without him. He was the love of her life and even though she was only in her twenties, she knew she would never love again. She closed her eyes to try and banish the image of Luke, it was too much, she was so overwhelmed with emotion she began to sob again, letting the tears fall down her face and collect on her pillow, she put her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle her sobs, she didn't want to wake Maura…Christ! She had forgot Maura was in the guest room.
Images of her and Maura kissing came flooding back to her. She could still feel and taste Maura on her lips. She was so confused, she wasn't gay, she had been totally and madly in love with Luke-she still was and always would be but she couldn't deny the fact that when Maura was kissing her, she had felt better. She was no longer consumed by grief for those few seconds that Maura was kissing her. She closed her eyes, images of what happened in the kitchen invaded her thoughts. She was desperate to recapture the feelings that it gave her but the image wasn't good enough, she needed the real thing. She would do anything not to feel the grief she was feeling right now, even if it was for just a short time…she couldn't take the pain and grief any more, she was drowning in it.
Mind made up, Jane flung the covers off and swung her legs out of bed, she was up and out of the door before she could talk herself out of it. She slowly approached Maura's door, trying to work out if Maura was asleep or awake. She went to knock on the door but she quickly withdrew her hand. Fuck! What are you doing Rizzoli-her inner voice was screaming at her to run, back to the safety of her bedroom. She turned towards her room, fully intending to listen but then she stopped and remembered the overwhelming grief she had felt moments ago in her room, correction, her and Luke's room, she doubted that it would ever feel like her room again…Fuck it she thought, Luke was dead, way before his time so why shouldn't she take comfort from his mother, all she wanted was to not feel this grief inside her any more…it was killing her. She knew Luke would understand, he wouldn't want her to feel this way.
Jane turned back and faced Maura's door and before she could talk herself out of it, she opened Maura's door and entered, shutting the door behind her…
Maura sat up, trying to adjust her eyes in the dark. All she could make out was Jane's shadow 'Jane what's the mat-' Jane didn't give her a chance to finish her sentence. She climbed on top of Maura and planted her lips firmly against Maura's lips. Maura attempted to pull away but Jane held her in place by putting her hands on the back of her neck. Jane pushed her tongue into Maura's mouth , wanting to feel just an ounce of relief. Maura put her hands on Jane's chest and gave her a hard shove. 'What do you think you are doing Jane!' Jane was shocked, she hadn't even considered that Maura wouldn't want this, given what happened earlier. She cleared her throat 'you kissed me earlier Maura, I know it made you feel better, you can't tell me you didn't feel just a little better?' Maura's chest was moving at an unusually fast pace. She couldn't concentrate, especially since Jane was still on top of her, straddling her waist. 'Yes Jane, it made me feel better but we can't do this, it's wrong.' Jane scoffed 'No Maura, I will tell you what's wrong, Luke dying so young is wrong, me and you trying to get through this fucked up situation is not wrong.' Maura was silent, she didn't know what else to say, especially since Jane was right. The only fucked up thing in this entire situation was Luke dying.
Jane leaned in and kissed Maura again, softer this time and this time, Maura didn't push her away. She began to move her lips in unison with Jane's. it felt amazing, a groan escaped Maura's lips when Jane deepened the kiss-her tongue slipped into Maura's mouth easily. They stopped briefly so that Jane could pull the covers fully away from Maura. Once the quilt was discarded Jane took her place again on top of Maura. She continued to kiss Maura, moving her hand down Maura's body. She pushed Maura's shirt up and exposed her breasts- Jane gently caressed Maura's nipple, it instantly became hard against her touch. Maura arched her back 'Oh God Jane.' Maura couldn't take this teasing, she just wanted to feel better. 'Please touch me Jane.' Encouraged by Maura's worlds, Jane slowly moved her hand down Maura's body, stopping when she reached her PJ bottoms. She paused only briefly before slipping her hands into Maura's knickers. She instantly felt how wet Maura was for her. Jane moaned, she never thought that she would ever make another woman wet, it had never even crossed her mind to sleep with another woman before but Maura wasn't just another woman, she was the only thing she had left of Luke. She had to admit, she was nervous, but she figured it couldn't be any different than when she made herself come. She went with her instincts. Jane slipped her fingers between Maura's folds and found her clit. She began to slide her finger back and forth.
Maura began to moan in her ear, she had her arms wrapped around Jane's back, pulling her close. 'Jane, fuck.' Jane began to rub faster and harder, wanting desperately to make Maura come. 'Do you want me inside you Maura?' she had no idea how Maura liked to come, personally she liked two fingers inside and her clit rubbed at the same time but not all women were the same. 'Just keep doing what you are doing Jane, it feels amazing, I'm about to come.' Jane continued rubbing, her hand was beginning to burn but she really wanted to make Maura come, she was in the moment and she only had Maura on her mind…for once she wasn't thinking about Luke. She could tell by the was Maura was quivering that she was about to come. 'That's it Maura, let go…' and with that, Maura arched into Jane's touch and came…hard. Jane rolled off of Maura and laid beside her. Maura was breathing heavily, struggling to catch her breath. Jane laid on her side and leaned on her elbow. She was looking at Maura. She couldn't believe it, she had just had sex with Luke's mother but for the first time in two weeks, she actually felt human again.
Once Maura had caught her breath, she moved in and kissed Jane on the lips, she went to slip her hand inside Jane's bottoms but was stopped by Jane 'it's okay Maura, you don't have to return the favour, I'm pretty tired anyway.' Maura pulled her hand back 'that's hardly fair Jane' Jane pulled Maura's hand up towards her face and kissed her fingers. 'I tell you what, instead of doing that, why don't you let me sleep in here tonight with you? I'm so used to sleeping beside Luke, I haven't slept properly since he died…' Jane trailed off, suddenly feeling vulnerable. Maura moved forward and planted a gentle kiss on Jane's lips. 'I'd love that Jane.' Jane gave Maura a slight smile, she pulled the quilt over both of them, they quickly drifted off to sleep, in each others arms…